The Academy's Vault housed a number of artifacts.

Most of them were identified by esteemed professors of magic easily enough; venerable focuses, strange Elemental Stones, enchanted items… but some refused qualification. One of such items was Fool's Gold – a solid bar seemingly identical to a normal gold bar, about the size of a forearm. Further analysis revealed it to be something that only resembled gold, its structure mindbogglingly absurd. It hummed with raw power, yes, but there was no way of containing such an unknown substance. Thus, it was better off sealed off in the Vault, waiting for a genius that would solve its mystery.

To Jean Colbert's amusement, it took a genius – two even! - from another world entirely for that to happen. "This bar is one hundred percent genuine Australium." The one Miss Vallière's mercenaries referred to as "The Engineer" spoke with a tone of absolute certainty. "I am no praying man, professor, but this here is a bloody miracle."

"What are its properties?"

"What aren't its properties, really?" The other genius – the bespectacled man with the strong Germanian accent – named simply The Medic chuckled softly, much more interested in other doodads in the Vault than the supposed miracle metal. "Australium is responsible for ze multitude of groundbreaking technologies it gave birth to. Teleportation, complete invisibility, ze fabled "mustache sciences"..."

"I beg your pardon?"

"Prolonged exposure also includes increased intelligence and virility both, as well as some serious hair growth." Engie nodded sagely. "My grandpap's last few photos have him lookin' like an Australian shaved bear – but it was the damn smartest shaved bear out there."

"What's… a photo?" The two geniuses exchanged a look. Right, these were the Middle Ages.

"A picture, if you will. But nevermind that! Australium's most curious ability, from mein field of sciences, of course..." Medic adjusted his glasses for a dramatic effect, the shine in his spectacles downright ominous. "is how it can reverse ze flow of time." Colbert felt his brows furrow. Certain things were easier to believe than others, and this particular one was out there.

"Mind you, you'll need a lot of this here Australium to do that." Engineer laughed softly. "But a small dose can keep a man alive far past what God intended. My grandpap made two such things for the old rivals. You wouldn't see more shriveled and lively husks anywhere else, at least until Gray Mann killed them both."

"What else?"

"Well, ze ÜberCharge is something of a derivative from Australium's more… indestructible properties." The Medic explained, gleeful to ignore Colbert's rising confusion. "Really, we could spend entire Jahren talking about it."

"We'd appreciate having it. Most of our tools were displaced when Lou summoned us here, so having such a base would be good to start with."

By all means, the two made sense. Colbert, for all of his innate curiosity, found little purchase in the Fool's Gold, unable to glance further than past the surface – yet, these two identified it with childish ease and already were discussing all possible uses for it. There would be some difficulties associated with handing over an artifact to basically strangers, but the educator doubted Osmond would give them much grief for it. As long as the Royal Messenger didn't inquire about its sudden absence…

Further thought was interrupted when a giant stone hand smashed into the Vault.

This was possibly the worst day in Louise's life. This was no small claim to make.

The Academy was being targeted by the infamous Fouquet of the Crumbling Earth, riding atop his(?) giant golem and being completely unashamed about his intentions to ransack the Vault for artifacts. Normally, this kind of attack would be nothing: the Vault was protected by first-grade magic, Square-tier spells that would take great effort to dispel.

...apparently Louise's Explosions could do that. What a time to find that out.

Some of her mercenaries were at the scene, but it was obvious they had a hard time against an opponent like this. Only Heavy was her proper Familiar, and even he found no purchase in hosing down the golem with gunfire (apparently it cost unthinkable money to fire this gun for longer than twelve seconds…). Oh yeah, gunfire. A very finite resource. Fouquet was nothing if not skillful in defensive magic, conjuring another barrier to ward off Sniper's shots.

"The frick is with dis flippin' thing?!" Scout groused, peeking from behind their improvised cover to watch Demo's valiant efforts at fighting the thing with sword and board come up short as he was smashed into another wall. "Frickin' Merasmus at least knew how to take a bat to the face..."

"The pilot is smart to shield themselves from harm, if nothing else." Spy mused, his gun prepped to fire – for all it would do to her. "I don't suppose your magic could do something about it?" He asked Louise. The pinkette made a face.

"There's a difference between a static enchantment and a moving golem still on the ground." She said, feeling her fists ball up in frustration. Founder, those men will get slaughtered, and it was no one's fault but hers! Sure, they reassured her that they were made of sturdy stuff (apparently Medic's "science" was involved), but that didn't make watching Pyro get pulverized into the ground any easier.

"So we need a miracle, you say?"

"I don't know if I'm deserving of those at this point..." But the miracle came.

The fire serpent flew from the hole in the Vault wall, forcing the golem back. In the hole stood none other than Jean Colbert. Fouquet bit back a curse. "That's far enough, Fouquet of the Crumbling Earth!" The professor called out, his wand ready to do battle. "Surrender immediately, and you shall find yourself treated lightly—"

The golem struck with surprising speed, smashing right into the man so hard the cloud of dust obscured all vision. "PROFESSOR!" Louise called out, mortified. Spy's firm hand kept her from jumping out of cover – the last thing they needed was for the girl to get herself killed. That was rather out of character for the level-headed professor, he thought. Out of character, unless…

The flame serpent roared again, cutting the golem's arm into three neat pieces. "Bollocks! How the fu—" Another gust of flames threw Fouquet off the golem… right into a huge arm of a shaved bear, holding her up by the scruff of her neck. So was her focus taken away by the other. "Unhand me, you lummox!" Heavy was more than happy to ignore Fouquet's sputtering, instead looking up to the hole in the wall.

The dust cleared, revealing the figure of Jean Colbert… glowing with strange red patterns covering his entire body. The giant's eyebrow rose. Doktor didn't replace any hearts during their stay in Helkeginia (yet), and certainly wouldn't have the means to do so (or a proper heart to begin with). How on earth…? The educator dropped down onto the ground, not any worse for wear as the ÜberCharge wore off. "How about that – it really is a miraculous solution." He hummed with a curious tone, looking at himself not having sustained any damage from being hit with a fist bigger than he was tall.

"Y-you're alive?!" This time Louise jumped from behind the makeshift cover, eyes wide as plates. Whatever that red glow was, it kept the professor safe from such overwhelming force…

"In no small thanks due to your men." The pinkette blinked, then looked up to see both Engineer and Medic peeking from the hole in the wall. The bespectacled man had his strange "medigun" equipped (how did one make a gun that healed people? That just made no sense) and the one in the hard hat held a broken piece of something vaguely like gold. "They used Fool's Gold from the Vault in conjunction with Mr. Medic's craft to… well, provide me with this strange invulnerability."

"...huh, so you can do that without a gorilla heart."

"Excuse me?"

"Don't mind the boy." Spy cut in before Scout could sour Colbert on them with his big running mouth. "I didn't expect Australium of all things to be here though."

"Most of it was burned to simulate this, uh, this ÜberCharge effect, but—"

"Are you kidding me?!" Fouquet squirmed in Heavy's grip, beyond incensed. The giant rolled his eyes with a weary sigh and took of the thief's mask. Now that it was off, Louise could clearly see the infamous larcenist was none other than… Old Osmond's secretary?! Not that she seemed too bothered by being found, chiefly due to palpable, incredulous anger written all over her face. "I came here to steal the wretched thing! You burned it?!"

"You can explain yourself in due time, Miss Longueville." Colbert replied with a stern look, eyes trailing away to see Demoman and Pyro holding each other up as they hobbled over to the rest of the group. "Are you in need of healing?"

"Nay, we'll pull through. The hellthing hit hard, but we've survived worse things." Demo shook his head with a wry smile. Pyro nodded with his(?) trademark "hudda" sound. "Ah, this lassie. We had a feeling something was up with her."

"...what do you mean 'you had a feeling'? Why didn't you tell anyone?"

"Would you believe a Black Scottish Cyclops if he told you Osmond's secretary might be up to no good?" Louise had to conclude after a moment of intensive thought that she probably wouldn't, and especially not on a "feeling" alone. "Well, no point thinking of this now.

"...say..." Louise's expression suddenly darkened. "Where is Soldier?" The mercenaries exchanged looks before finally setting on the Heavy. It seemed the giant had an idea.

"When Demoman first mentioned lady might be trouble, we got Soldier to go and do his own thing."

"...that thing being?"

"An "interrogation room". Something for commie spies." Miss Longueville suddenly went tense in his grip. "This is Soldier, so rusty shovels are involved."

"You wouldn't give me out to some lunatic, would you?!" Colbert opened his mouth to protest the notion – they were not barbarians, and Fouquet still deserved a fair trial, among other things – but then Spy put a hand on his shoulder and shook his head. The professor's eyebrow rose before he turned back to the situation, watching Louise nonchalantly examine her nails.

"What was the last time when he "interrogated" a would-be subversive?" Her eyes quickly went over who would be willing the most to play ball here, and settled on Scout. The manboy grinned in understanding. "A bed of nails?"

"A bed of frickin' nails, Lil' Pink. And a really angry rooster."

"An angry rooster that was fed nothing but dog livers for three days."

"Oh man, don't forget the eagle."

"The one singing Yellow Rose of Texas backwards?" Louise smiled thinly. "Hard to forget such a haunting elegy—"

"BRIMIR'S BALLS, ENOUGH!" Fouquet shrieked fearfully. Yes, all of this sounded like garbled nonsense, but Vallière's men were all positively insane,. She didn't doubt for a second that they would do something like that, and make Romalia's finest technicians look like mere novices in the process. "I'll do anything! Just don't send me anywhere near that madman!" Louise smiled, this time almost menacingly. An impromptu plan coming up together like that was only possible with such a wayward company.

Founder, was she grateful for it. "Well then, Miss Longueville… why not tell us who sent you here first?"