Knock knock knock.

'Ngk. Just a sec!'

Moments pass. A minute. A minute and a half-

Knock knock knock.

'Crowley, it's me!'

'Yeah, yeah, I know! There in -oof- just a sec!'

Another moment passes. A crash.

'Are you all right in there?'

'Yes! Fine!' One beat. Two beats. ' Bloody hell-ngk-!'

'Crowley, can I just come in, please?'

'Argh! Uh, yeah -ngk- Oh, no, wait, I think it's -ouch!- I think it's locked. I'll just-' Crowley's sentence was interrupted by a high-pitched yelp. 'Argh! Aziraphale! How did you get in? -ouch-'

The angel stood, dumbstruck, staring at the… scene in the demon's flat.

'Uh...' Aziraphale held up a key.

'Oh yeah, I forgot you had that.'

'Crowley, I hope you don't find this question offensive, but what in the name of all that is holy has happened to your flat?!'

Crowley finally succeeded in untangling himself from a mass of creeping stems and leaves, and turned to properly face the angel.

'Er, well- ' an extremely large leaf swung down from somewhere and smacked him in the face. 'Ouch! ...It's uh. It's a long story. Er… If you could just go through that door, there, please.'

Aziraphale went through that door, there, and Crowley followed, slamming it behind him and then leaning back against it with a sigh.

'This is the bathroom, Crowley.'

'Yeah. Sorry. It's the only place It hasn't got into. Yet.' The "It" was audibly capitalised.

The angel perched himself on the side of the large, expensive looking bath tub in the centre of the room which, despite appearing to be a mid-Victorian claw-footed antique with no discernible additional plumbing leading to any point of it but the taps, had jacuzzi jets.

'I am a little afraid to ask what It is, but I think I am going to have to.'

The demon pushed his hands up under his glasses, which were missing one lens, and rubbed his eyes wearily. 'Couldn't you see for yourself?' he asked bitterly as he stalked over to the sink. He leaned his hands on the rim and inspected his damage in the mirror. 'It's a bit hard to miss.' Hole in right jacket shoulder, glasses broken, bruise on left cheekbone, chlorophyll stains on shirt, chlorophyll stains on face, chlorophyll stains on hands-

'Oh bugger it! My watch is gone!'

'Crowley….'

'Do you know how much that watch cost?! You could feed half of the East End for a week with the money that watch was worth!'

'My dear, you never pay for things.'

'That's not the point,' Crowley whined. 'That bastard. I'll kill it! Argh!' He kicked a small wastebin, but it merely rebounded off of a wall and wobbled itself back upright as though nothing had happened.

'Crowley.'

'What!'

'Would you like to explain exactly what is going on?' Aziraphale softened as the demon threw himself down pathetically to sit on the lid of the toilet and buried his head in his hands. 'Please? Maybe I can help?'

'Do oo affa tainshaw?'

'Sorry?'

Crowley lifted his face from out of his hands. 'I said Do you have a chainsaw?'

Aziraphale thought for a moment. 'Not sure. Definitely have an axe, but-'

'Oh, never mind, I was being rhetorical.'

'Oh.'

Crowley stared with a mournful expression at the door. A leaf was beginning to slide beneath it.

'Crowley?'

'Hm!? What?! Oh. Er.'

'Please will you tell me why there is what appears to be a giant…'

'Aspidistra.'

'...A giant aspidistra taking over almost the entirety of your flat.'

Crowley sighed. 'Remember the other day, when we were in your bookshop?'

'I'm afraid you will have to be a little more specific, my dear…'

'The night you got your gramophone out.'

'Oh, yes! You brought Thai food, and I managed to play through half of Jesus Christ Superstar on vinyl before you noticed and made me play Jefferson Airplane for half an hour to "be fair". They were quite good, actually.'

'Yeah, and then after that you put on some old records from the '30s.'

'Mm, yes, that was a most pleasant evening, my dear, we shall have to do that again some time. You could bring some of your bebop records, if you-'

'And,' the demon cut in, pointedly, 'you played that Gracie Fields song…'

'Gracie… Oh, yes! The old music hall one. How did it go? It shot up like a rocket, til it nearly reached the sky, the… Oh.'

'It's the biggest aspidistra in the world…' Crowley finished singing the verse, in a choked sort of a tone.

Aziraphale shook his head. 'Oh dear.'

'Ngk- It- I- Right. Look. In that song, she says that her brother, Joe, yeah, he crossed their aspidistra with an acorn cutting when it wasn't growing very well. And I thought to myself "I wonder if that works?" Grafting plants is A Thing, isn't it? I did it with those roses last year.'

'Oh, yes, those lovely peach ones you gave me a vase of? They were beautiful.'

'Yeah, exactly. So, I thought, you know, the science is… not ridiculous. And then I forgot about it because we drank about a swimming pool's worth of wine. But then when I got home the next morning I remembered that I did in fact have an aspidistra that was languishing in the airing cupboard, and-'

'Why was it in the airing cupboard?'

'It was in Time Out.'

'Oh really, my dear...'

'Don't question my methods, angel.'

'My apologies. They do seem to be working out wonderfully for you.'

Crowley gave a strangled scream and buried his face back in his hands.

'Oh, my dear boy…'

When he felt a gentle hand give his shoulder a reassuring squeeze, the demon turned his face from his hands and buried it instead into the shirt of the angel now standing next to him. 'I aff nurt ad a vrry grrd drrr.'

Aziraphale patted him on the head. 'No. I rather think you haven't, have you, old thing? Not a very good day at all. ...This may be a stupid question, my dear, but why have you not simply… made it go away?'

Crowley jerked his head up, and hissed 'Because that means It won.'

'Yes. Of course. Silly me. Would it be possible for you to not scrunch up the material so hard?'

'Sorry.' Crowley let go of his handfuls of angel-shirt.

'No harm done. Now,' the angel darted a look at the leaf determinedly reaching under the door. If he didn't know better he would say it was trying to reach the lock. 'What are we going to do about that little problem out there, then?'

Crowley shrugged. 'I was thinking perhaps I could just move house. I could move in with you. That could be fun.'

'Anytime you like, my dear, but I don't think that that is quite the best solution to this particular pickle.'

'What, then! It's an aspidistra , angel. Do you know how hard those things are to kill?! And I swear it's developed a mind of its own. It tripped me up earlier. Wrapped a tendril right around my ankle and yanked . It hurt . I think that's how I got this black eye. The thing is sentient, I'm telling you. It's clever .

The angel's face darkened. 'Is it, now?' He took off his jacket. 'Would you mind holding this for me, my dear?'

'Hm? Yeah. Whatever. I suppose we could come at it together, from different directions. Flank it. If you distract it, I might be able to get the weed killer under the sink in the kitchen and- What are you doing?

Aziraphale was rolling up his sleeves. Aziraphale was loosening his tie.

'If you'll just excuse me for a moment, my dear boy, I think I ought to go and take a closer look at this rogue plant of yours.'

'No, wait, I don't think that's a good- Angel, I don't think that- Hey, no. Where are you going? Aziraphale! Oi! Aziraphale! Come back!'

Aziraphale left the room and closed the door behind him. A burst of flickering light flashed from beneath it. Crowley yanked his fingers from the door handle as it suddenly grew hot.

'Aziraphale! What are you doing out there? ...Don't wreck my carpet!'

A series of disconcertingly biological noises crunched, snapped, fluttered, and squelched their way under the door. Then silence.

'...Angel?'

The door swung slowly open.

Crowley stepped out into the hallway.

Aziraphale was rolling his sleeves back down.

'Whuh…?' Crowley said, eloquently.

'Ah, my jacket. Thank you, my dear.'

'Where is the-'

'I didn't just miracle it away, don't worry. No need for your pride to suffer, along with your poor face.' The angel raised his hand and ran his thumb lightly over the bruise below the demon's eye, and it faded away with just a hint of a sparkle.

'Thanks,' Crowley said, absently, as he looked around the pristine flat. 'Uh. What happened to the, uh. The thing. Plant. Aspidistra.'

Aziraphale smiled innocently, and brushed a slightly charred scrap of leaf from his shoulder. 'Let's just say I put it in Time Out.'