"I thought, I want to die. I want to die more than ever before. There's no chance now of a recovery. No matter what sort of thing I do, no matter what I do, it's sure to be a failure, just a final coating applied to my shame. That dream of going on bicycles to see a waterfall framed in summer leaves—it was not for the likes of me. All that can happen now is that one foul, humiliating sin will be piled on another, and my sufferings will become only the more acute. I want to die. I must die. Living itself is the source of sin."

― Osamu Dazai (1909-48), No Longer Human.

Socrates said before his execution: "The unexamined life is not worth living." But what if the examined life turns out to be a clunker as well?

I was 20 then, sitting down in that typical cab-looking black Toyota taxi.

My numb eyes blankly stared outside, gazing at the rich amount of colourful store lights going past in the night's darkness.

I thought to myself

This was really happening.

I left her.

If I looked behind the rear window I may have been able to take one last look at her, but I just couldn't. I didn't have it within myself.

It wasn't just my eyes which were numb but in fact my whole upper body. No, actually my whole body was numb. I take that back, 'Numb' simply isn't the right word to explain how my body felt as I stayed sitting down on that goddamn taxi seat.

I didn't feel numb but it was the world that felt numb. I felt like I wasn't in the present world, maybe I was just about to wake up in bed as usual to realise that the events tonight never actually took place and that the whole thing was just my dream. Maybe I wake up to see that she is still soundly asleep right next to me, and that what she did to me was just my imagination.

But that was far from the case.

I couldn't keep myself calm.

I attempted to take a few deep breaths to keep me from going insane. Who knows what I might have done that night if I had lost it. I probably would have killed the taxi driver and drove the taxi right into her house to kill that person.

I quickly trashed that dumb idea, although I couldn't help but think about the satisfaction I will have if I took revenge on her.

It was at that moment, a familiar song started playing through the car's stereo system.

It was that clean guitar intro.

"Little Wing" by Stevie Ray Vaughan.

I didn't mind that song, one of the only few songs I enjoyed that my classmate introduced to me.

Leaning my back on the seat I realised something crucial.

My left pocket where I always kept my wallet was empty.

I cursed loudly inside my mind as I clenched my teeth in tightly.

I opened up the gym bag, rummaging through my random pieces of clothes, almost turning the whole thing upside down to look for that fucking thing. From the taxi driver sitting in front of me I may have looked strange but at that moment I couldn't care less.

It wasn't there.

I dropped my face into my hands, overwhelmed with the regret I felt.

What the hell am I going to do now.

I couldn't go back to the apartment to fetch my wallet and leave again. Just the thought of it sent a large shiver through my spine.

Then I remembered something.

I opened up the small zipped up part of the gym bag, where most people left their phones and other valuables in.

I pulled my hand out when I felt the slightest sensation of paper brush against my fingers.

The relief I felt was indescribable, there was a 5000 yen note.

I was slightly happy for a split second but then I remembered for what reason I was in that Taxi for. My up feeling immediately dropped.

We can all relate to such an experience. We are put into a bad or straight up unlucky circumstance, and right when things seem to be getting worse, a small stroke of luck temporarily saves us. We then undergo a brief feeling of fulfilment but we are soon reminded that just being in that situation in the first place is unlucky and negative.

An alarming twitch encovered my body as my phone vibrated violently inside my right pocket.

Hesitantly pulling it out of my right pocket, I looked at who it was from.

"Komachi"

I didn't think of her until then. I have a sister, a proper family. They are the only people I could rely on right now. I needed them. I needed their help and support right now. The fact that the option of asking my family for help didn't immediately appear in my mind, reminded how light headed and disturbed I was.

A ray of hope rushed into my mind.

My fingers shaked and I almost missed the screen as I dragged the "answer call" scroll. I knew where to go now. Komachi can help me right now.

I stuttered as I began."Ko-Komachi! I-I'm in a p-pinch right now! I really need somewhere to stay for the time bein-"

"Onii-chan, no.. Hachiman."

My younger sibling on the other end interrupted me, talking in a serious and dark way I had never heard her talk in before.

What?

Why's she calling me by my first name?.

I attempted "Ko-Komachi, why are you talking like tha-"

"I….I am disgusted to have someone like you as my older brother"

She talked in a way I was clearly able to tell that those words were struggling to come out of her mouth.

I silently repeated Komachi's words inside my mind, quickly assessing them.

My own mouth dropped open.

The hope diminished inside my mind.

She continued "W-Why did you have to do such thing to Yukino-san?, why did you have to hurt her? What did she ever do?"

I was shocked by what she said. Too shocked.

This isn't right.

That isn't how it happened.

I needed to get things straight.

"Komachi, what are on about? I didn't hurt her, she hurt me!, why are you on her sid-"

"WHY DO YOU HAVE TO LIE IN A TIME LIKE THIS!"

That was the first time Komachi ever shouted at me.

From the shallow muffling in her voice I could imagine she had tears in her eyes now.

"Yukino-san came to our house, explained everything and even showed us the bruises, She never lies, why did you have to do such a thing!"

No.

This can't be happening.

This wasn't happening.

This wasn't happening to me right now.

I tensed up and gripped my phone hard, almost breaking it.

I heard someone else talking behind Komachi on the other end, followed by a quick switch.

"Hachiman, listen to me."

It was my father.

"I'm ashamed to have raised someone like you." He started in an angry tone. "You hurt your Yukinoshita-san and not only that you run off? What are you, who the hell do you think you are. Yukinoshita-san and her parents came to our house just then and she explained everything that happened. Look, come back to our household right now. After that, bow down and apologise to her and her parents. That's not gonna make up for anything you did but at least that's something. Maybe Yukinoshita-san and her parents might forgive you if you're lucky. Hurry up."

It took me a moment for me to punch in those words and register them into my mind.

I couldn't believe it.

She lied.

Why would she lie.

She never lied.

Ever.

This isn't true.

"Oi Hachiman are you listening?! Come back here right no-"

I pressed the red phone icon on the screen, staring at the "call ended" interface afterwards.

Even my family was against me.

The world was against me.

I sat there with a mix of anger and shock filling up inside my brain.

I couldn't handle it.

That crazy bitch lied.

Getting my family to go against me.

My phone started ringing again and I noticed it was Komachi calling again. Without a single ounce of hesitation, I held down the power button until the ringing stopped.

I blankly stared outside again,noticing we were on some main street I had never seen before.

I looked over what just happened in my mind.

Yukinoshita went over to my parents house, lied to them about what happened. Causing them to despise me now.

I still couldn't believe it.

That she lied.

Was this some sort of mistake?

It had to be.

But there was no way in hell for me to go back whatsoever.

The song's last solo was playing at that moment.

Tightening my fists as hard as possible, I felt the blood pumping into my brain. I pressed my head towards my knees as I covered my head.

Less than 24 hours ago, it was all normal. I had what I thought I needed. I had a direction.

But now, all of that had gone away.

"Sir!"

Huh?

What was going on?

"Sir really, how long do you want me to just keep going straight? Do you have any sort of destination in mind?" The taxi driver asked me.

I sprung forward in my seat, when my first opened my eyes I could barely remember I was on a taxi. it seemed as though I slept for a short amount of time.

However, it was at that moment I realised I hadn't told him a proper place to go. When I got on I just told him to keep driving straight.

I looked at the meter.

"5012yen"

Fucking hell

I've already been in here for that long? Anyway I've gotta get out.

"Just stop now" I exclaimed.

"Wait, sir, now? Really.. like here." The driver talked back with a confused tone in his voice.

"I said just stop!" I exclaimed.

He immediately went onto the breaks, pulling over on the side of the road.

He looked back at me. "Sir that will be 5028yen"

I only had 5000 yen.

It was truly the only thing I had, as I didn't have a wallet or anything.

I gripped the note in my hand.

"I only have this let me out" I said as I dropped the note onto the tray.

The taxi door opened as I went out.

I stood there as I watched the taxi drive off again into the distance, until I couldn't see it anymore.

I was in what looked like an ordinary middle class looking street.

There wasn't a single soul walking around from where I could see.

The sound of the taxi's engine continued faintly until it got to the point where it transformed into a silent hum.

It was dead quiet, so quiet I was able to hear my own ears ringing.

The uneven distances between the street posts were highlighted by its lights shining down, spreading over a yellow splash of light over the grey pavement.

Pulling my phone out of my pocket, I pressed down on the power button.

The dead battery icon flashed towards my face.

My mind blanked out.

Where do I go now.

I didn't have any money on me. My phone was dead. I didn't now where I am. I didn't know where to stay.

I started walking down the footpath, beneath the blinking streetlight.