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Teenagers like Izuku Midoriya usually spend Friday evenings having fun with their friends. Not him.

He was prepared to launch rule34 and chill out while looking for new hentai to add to his fapfolder, but an unexpected moment of self-doubt and anxiety decided to hit him just in time to ruin his evening.

"What's the point of any of this…?" He thought. "From 8 am to late afternoon, I do hero work, fighting criminals, saving civilians, and then I spend my evenings alone, masturbating to cartoons… and the criminals keep coming. Every day there's more crime, what's even the point of heroes?"

As Izuku was contemplating his life choices, he was struck with a sudden feeling of eureka, and he realized what he should do.

Next day, he quit UA and started his own business at his home.

"MOM, look, I filed all the paperwork and my economic activity was accepted by the authorities!" he told his MOM.

"That's great, sweetie, but I'm still not sure what to think about it… didn't you want to become the world's greatest hero?" his MOM asked.

"Nah, fuck that." He replied. "Hero work is ungrateful and unsatisfying… unlike this shit!"

"Son, I don't know… as long as that makes you happy, you have my support."

Few days later his business officially launched. Pedoriya Inc.

Already on the first day of being a professional sex offender, some faggot called his office and Izuku got his first request.

"Hello, is this Pedoriya Inc.?"

"Yes, sir, how can I help you?" Midoriya asked.

"I want to place an order on a sex offense."

"What kind of sex offense?"

"Normal, no extra services."

"I see. Your name and home address?"

"Joe Mama, Faggot Street 21/37, Cocksville."

"Who's the target? Do you have their home address?"

"The target is my MOM. She lives with me, it's the same home address."

"… I see. It'll be $400. Please note the following bank account: six, nine…"

"Wait! Are you not going to ask why I want you to sex offend my MOM?"

"No, sir, I don't need to know."

"But it's an interesting story, you see.."

"Sir." Midoriya said firmly. "We're professionals. We don't ask questions around here and we don't care."

"Oh. Damn, it sounds like you know what you're doing!"

Izuku chuckled. "Of course sir, you can count on us."

After Izuku received his payment, he proceeded to plan his sex offense. He bought a plane ticket to Cocksville, charged his phone, downloaded some anime soundtracks on his phone to listen to during travel, washed his genitalia and told MOM that he's out to work.

After arriving at Cocksville, he found the home address he was given using Google maps and sneaked onto their backyard. He entered the house through a window, identified the target and commited sex offense on her.

On the next day, Pedoriya Inc. got a positive review on its website and a surge of new customers decided to pay for Izuku's services.

Months went by and he was one of the most successful professional sex offenders in the world.

"I'm home!" he shouted to his MOM.

"Hi honey! How's work?"

"Another day, another sex offense…" he said while looking at all the delicious food his MOM cooked for the dinner.

"Son, I never told you that, but I'm kind of glad you gave up on your hero career. Fighting crime is dangerous, and I'd much rather have you commit multiple sexual assaults every week than endanger yourself doing hero work."

"It was the best decision I have ever made." Izuku smiled while eating spaghetti with Bolognese sauce that his MOM cooked. "Good money, nice work environment and I get to visit new places all the time."

Then, Izuku's phone rang.

"Another customer perhaps?" His MOM said.

"No… it's my private cellphone."

He checked the phone. It was Mirio from UA.

"Uh, thanks for spaghetti MOM, I need to answer that."

"Did something happen?"

But Izuku already left the room.

"Hello?" he said.

"Hi, Deku!" Mirio said.

"I'm not Deku anymore, you know that."

"Yeah, I know, but… whatever, alright look. I have an important thing to ask you."

"You can ask me, but I don't guarantee I'll be able to do anything about it."

"Just hear me out. You see, Eri is…"

"ERI?! OwO How is she?! Hello! ERI! Can you hear me?! OwOwOwO"

"Dude what the fuck? Eri is not here, obviously."

"Why 'obviously'?"

"It's her birthday tomorrow, man. I talked to her yesterday and she's sad that she can't see you anymore, so I thought I'd call you."

"Wait, do you want to make a request?"

Izuku suddenly realized that he can trick Mirio into requesting a sex offense XDDD.

"What request?"

"Ah, I just have this little business I operate, and I take people's requests to do… some stuff."

"Ok ? ? ?"

"Alright uhhh here's my work phone number, can you call it? 69 420 007, got it?"

"What the fu-"

"Call that number, nigga!"

Then Izuku hung up. After a couple of seconds his work phone rang.

"What the fuck was the point of that?!"

"Idk xDDD"

"Dude are you like, retarded?"

"Doesn't matter, listen. You want to make a request, right?"

"I guess ? ? ? ? ? ? Can you come to Eri tomorrow?"

"Nigga you have that guaranteed. And I'll do that for free! You know, a nice little 100% discount for an old friend XDD"

"Uh, ok… well, the birthday party starts at 2 pm, don't be late!"

"Late? Bruh, I will come an hour early."

"Wha-"

Izuku hung up and threw the phone away, fuck that shit anyway. This is what he's been waiting for for all those years.

Next day, he snuck into Eri's house, and performed a sexual offense on her. He finished just in time to quickly disappear before any guests arrived.

Not even 24 hours have passed and Izuku was in the court XDD

"Why am I here? I promised I'd pay Eri a visit, and so I did XD" he asked nonchalantly.

"Sir, we're not accusing you of not coming to Eri's birthday. The reason you're here is because you have commited a sexual assault on a 9 year old orphan girl."

"How much difference does it make, 'law-wise', whether she's an orphan or not?"

The judges looked awkwardly at each other. Izuku knew he can fuck with them all he wants. He was secured, and they had no idea.

The judge leaned forward on his chair to take a closer look at Izuku.

"Sir, child predatory is a crime."

"Aha!" Izuku exclaimed suddenly, "This is where you're wrong! I have an official sex offense bureau, it's not illegal. Here's all the papers, I came prepared."

Izuku handed the documents to the judges, and after two minutes of analyzing it, they responded.

"So according to this document, it would seem that you take no legal responsibility for any sex offense you commit and all the blame goes on the person making the request, is that what I'm supposed to take from this?"

"Exactly! :DD"

"Unfortunately for you… uhh… well yeah, you are correct."

In conclusion, Izuku was fined 69 dollars for tax fraud, Mirio was sentenced eight years in prison for child predatory XDDD and Eri to this day haven't woke up from the coma Izuku put her in.

The End

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