*looks left*

*looks right*

*thumbs up*

Hello Edvy fandom! It has been fifty million years! I think some of us are still alive! Way back in 2012 (eight years ago, holy shit), I wrote a series of oneshots/prompts for Edvy, Livejournal-style. That collection actually got all the way to 100, and is up at Beauty and the Beast: Edvy 100 Themes.

Obviously, it's been eight years. My writing has changed a lot, and so have I as a person. For starters, turns out I'm trans! (Anybody who used to read my work: Wow. We're shocked. Truly. Incredible. Yeah, yeah, shut up.) Anyway, it means some of my old writing is still fun to read, some of it is... interesting. So, this is me returning to those same 100 prompts, with eight years more of experience, and writing some more Edvy!

Somebody in the distance: "does this have anything to do with being stuck inside because of the global lockdown"? How dare you imply that being stuck inside 24/7 and my life grinding to a halt could have any impact on me returning to my OTPs of old... yes, obviously. But hey, it's fun!

Oh, also, I'm using a random number generator, so these are in a different order than in the original. Just to shake things up. *And* I will be deliberately (and lovingly, in-group-style) poking fun at some of the old Edvy tropes. I miss our fandom sometimes.

1. Laughter

or

Arsenic, Coffee and Late Night Stalking

Edward Elric could be accused of a lot of things, but he couldn't be accused of being stupid. Or at least, you could try, but you'd be wrong. Sure, he had moments of being dense, particularly when it came to people. But he caught on to significantly more than people thought he did.

For one, that he'd been followed all the way from Rizenbul. Probably all the way from Central, honestly. It was small things that gave it away, like people who all looked different but had exactly the same quirks of body language or – hilariously – the same clothing. Once or twice, yeah, you didn't notice. After a while, it was hard not to.

Two, that he didn't have much to worry about. It was a gamble, but he figured that if he'd made it all the way through the Promised Day and the resulting chaos without his mysterious stalker putting a bullet into his head, he wasn't in much danger now. Besides, after this long of persistent danger, you just stopped caring. Not in the 'death-seeker' way; just in the 'can you hurry up with the assassination attempt, my food's getting cold' kind of way.

Three, he was pretty sure he knew who it was. One and two rather answered that question for him. The only thing he was stuck on was the persistent, ever-present why. And that was the kicker. He never knew why people did things. As far as he was concerned, the circumambulations of human hearts were a divine – and therefore pretty but ultimately pointless – mystery.

So Ed sat down in the armchair in his Aerugoan hotel suite, opened a book, and propped his boots up on the table. He'd left the window open.

The first crash came a few minutes later, followed by a quiet curse. It wasn't so much a crash as a 'thump', but for somebody attempting to be quiet, it was an abysmal failure. Ed flipped the page in his book, struggling not to laugh. He didn't want to scare him away.

He resisted the urge to look as he felt the sizzle of alchemy in the air. It felt different when homunculi used their powers, but it still had that faint odour of ozone to it, like a rainstorm. Then a dark shape crawled across the ceiling, and Ed resolutely turned the page again, a twitch of a smile at the corner of his mouth.

Oh dear. The dark shape – a little salamander, it appeared – had decided to clamber onto the light fixture. Ed flicked his eyes upwards, wondering if he'd be smart enough to-

The salamander put its paws right on the Aerugoan anti-tamper array. There was a sizzle of red sparks, and a moment later, a very startled Envy appeared mid-air before he and the light fixture crashed to the floor.

Ed snickered, unable to keep it suppressed anymore. "I was about to warn you."

Envy glared at him, then without breaking their locked gazes, flicked ceiling plaster off his shoulder. "…You could look a little terrified."

"Weren't you a spy? Shouldn't you be a little better at this?"

"Oh, sure, yeah, I was a wartime spy, that's the same as following the sneakiest motherfucker in the universe around a goddamn rural olive garden. What's it like being the most boring person in the world?" Envy crossed his arms, clearly trying to decide between going on the attack or just sulking.

Ed sat back in the chair. Honestly, he wasn't sure why he wasn't more scared. The moment in the tunnels was still in his mind. But more than that – his mission was over. He'd restored his brother. He'd done what he set out to do. He'd won. Envy had lost.

He could be bitter, if he wanted. There were plenty of reasons to be. But it was hard to be scared of somebody who was stalking you mostly out of sheer, unadulterated boredom.

He opened his book again, still chuckling. "I made you coffee, if you want some. Unless you want to keep skulking around like a shadow."

Envy narrowed his eyes, staring at Edward like he was waiting for a catch. Fair call, honestly. "…Poisoned coffee?"

"Normal coffee. Unless you want some arsenic. I don't know what you like, and I'm sure I have some somewhere-" Ed caught the startled look on Envy's face. "I'm kidding. It's a joke. Do abominations from beyond the Gate not do jokes?"

"I don't know," Envy grouched, although he was eyeing the coffee with barely-concealed curiosity. "Do alchemists with god complexes and codependence issues not do lifelong bitter grudges? Like normal people?"

"Nope," Ed pronounced. "Now drink your damn coffee before it gets cold."

And, well, what do you know. He did.

He was going to get him back for the codependence comment, though. Eventually.