(This fic is a sequel to "Drawn to a Completely Regular crossover", and was written in front of a """live""" studio audience)
...
*Drake and Josh intro plays*
The fake audience cheered as Drake and Josh walked up to what they assumed was their house. School was kinda rough that day, and the two couldn't stop talking about it.
"And then she hung up pics of my dick all over the school!" Drake complained.
"I know! That was the worst substitute ever!" Josh replied, wondering how they could allow such a woman to teach.
*Laugh Track*
The two opened the door to the house and quickly noticed something was off.
"Hey… this isn't where I left that dildo!" Xandir complained while pulling a dildo out of a jar of peanut butter.
Drake and Josh gave similar grossed out faces.
"This isn't our house! We're on Drawn Together!" Drake exclaimed.
Josh looked around in absolute confusion.
"How did we even get here?! Everything is a carto…"
The two look at each other, then at the camera.
"Megan…" They both said in unison.
*Laugh Track*
A very drunken looking, bipedal pig drunkenly stared at Drake and Josh.
"Hey, you two! Shu-shi-shi-shut the fuck up! I'm not in the mood for s-s-s- BBAAAAHHHHH!"
Spanky projectile vomited all over the floor.
*Laugh Track*
"Ewww! That smells disgusting!" Josh cringed while covering his nose.
Foxxy and Princess Clara walked in to see the disgusting vomit.
"Ugh, you disgusting pig!" Clara shouted.
"Goddammit, Spanky! Now Clara and I gotsta wrassle in it!" Foxy complained, starting to take her clothes off.
Princess Clare began taking her clothes off as well but was tackled in the vomit by Foxxy.
"Aww yeah! Now I feel better!" Spanky cheered on.
Josh was nearly on the verge of vomiting.
"Oh God! Drake, let's get outta here!"
"Yeah! This is almost worse than the bathroom toilet bomb incident!"
*Laugh Track*
Drake and Josh began to bolt towards the door before what looked like a coked-up Betty Boop threw herself in front of the door.
"Oh no you don't handsome! I'm not letting you leave before getting some from a REAL woman!" Toot yelled, pointing at Drake.
"DRAKE, RUN! BEFORE SHE GETS YOU!" Josh shouted as Drake started bolting towards the staircase.
"Aww, Hell Naaww you don't!" A now vomit-covered Foxy yelled, Tom Brady and WWE tackling the shit out of Drake.
"AAAAAAHHH!"
Betty Boob runs up to them and immediately ran out of breath.
"*heavy breathing* Thanks Foxy, I never would have been able to catch him!"
"Ain't nothing, this handsome boy needs to learn that, uhhh…" Foxy Twilight Zoned out, and instead just had a PTSD flashback of her time in L.A.
Clara watched on, quite unamused.
"You better not join them! I don't want you ruining his almost perfect white bloodline!"
"Nigga WHAT!?" Foxxy shouted.
"What do you mean 'almost' perfect!? How can you even tell!?" Queried Drake, who was now scared and confused.
"Don't ask questions we can't handle the answer to, Drake!" responded Josh.
*Laugh Track*
Suddenly, Captain Hero punched through a wall and gave Josh a weirdly angry look. Josh simply froze up in fear.
"Ah-ha! You'll be the perfect judge for our Cock, Paper, Scissors tournament!"
"Cock, paper scissors!?" Drake shivered, fearing the worst.
*Laugh Track*
"Not important! You have a woman to make happy" Toot screamed in Drake's ear.
She dragged Drake up the stairs, while he screamed and struggled.
"Ooh yeah, ooh yeah, I love that game! I'll go get the cleats for proper grape-pickin'!" Foxxy exulted, running upstairs.
"I don't like the sounds of that…" Josh commented.
"Ah damn it, I was finally going to one-up that negro bitch!" Clara complained, punching Josh in the gut.
"Ghhaa!" Josh yelled, falling to the ground in pain.
*Laugh Track*
"Hey! Don't hurt him too much! We can't afford to lose another judge!" Captain Hero raged.
"Well, maybe you shouldn't have killed your other one then!" Clara replied.
"IT WAS BY ACCIDENT!" Hero screamed defensively.
Josh wanted to ask about this "other judge" but was in too much pain.
"Hey Hero, can I join? I've been practicing!" Spanky asked.
"Yeah yeah, but YOU can carry him in the kitchen." Hero replied, walking back through the hole he made.
Spanky walked up to Josh and looked down at him blankly.
"...Well, I better lube him up."
Spanky whipped his pig cock out and pissed all over him.
*Laugh Track*
Josh silently wept, while Clare got her clothes back on for the tournament. Upstairs, Toot and Foxxy had tied Drake to the bed.
"Well, there you go. His handsome ass ain't going anywhere." Foxxy proudly stated.
Drake desperately tried to free himself, to no avail.
"IT'S LIKE A PRISON! A PRISON WITH WEIRD WHITE STAINS ON IT!" Drake shouted.
*Laugh Track*
"Thanks, Foxxy! And good luck in the Cock Paper Scissors tournament!"
"No, thank you for helping me find my cleats."
Foxxy and Toot french kissed for a few moments. This wasn't sexy though and was actually quite disturbing.
"Have fun!" cooed Foxy as she left.
"We will trust me, we will…" Toot replied, very sinister like.
Drake shivered in fear. He was not aroused, safe to say. She turned around and gave him a creepy yet still happy look.
"Wait! I have an idea!" Toot yelled, pulling out a Bluetooth speaker. Toot pushed a button, and, in the fat girl's sleight of hand, 'Future' by Drake started playing.
"I HEAR NEGRO MUSIC PLAYING!" Clara shouted from downstairs.
Toot quickly turned it off. She knew what that inner-city stuff did to Clara's state of mind…
"Well handsome, you ready for good old fashion face sitting?" Toot asked, trying and failing to sound seductive.
"NO! I'm not into that stuff! Not ever since that time Megan tricked me into that date with a plus-sized model!"
*Laugh Track*
Toot crossed her arms while narrowing her eyes.
"Why does every guy I tie up say that?! You can just tell me if you're nervous!"
"That white foo' ain't nervous, he just a lil' bitch!" Foxxy yelled from downstairs.
Drake wanted to be offended by this definitely not accurate insult, but Toot was already doing that for him.
"Are you saying my man's a little bitch?! Well just for that, I'll show you how tough he REALLY is!" exploded Toot.
"What does that mean!? WHAT DOES THAT-"
In a feat of ridiculous athleticism, Toot ran from the back of the room and did a Springboard Shooting Star on Drake, breaking the bed and landing ass first on his face. Drake was somehow still alive but never could have guessed how bad her ass smelled.
"MMHHMMMHMMMHHHH!" Drake mumbled in disgust.
"You hear that, Foxxy?! He's squirming in joy!"
Foxxy didn't respond, as she was too busy focusing on the Cock Paper Scissors tournament.
"...Whatever! She's missing out! Right handsome?"
Toot accidentally let a fart out.
"MMMMMMHHHHMMMMHHHMMMMHHHMMMMMMHHHHHH!"
"Great idea! Now IS the perfect time to eat this extra bean burrito!"
*Laugh Track*
Toot pulled a burrito out of fucking nowhere, and start chowing down. Crumbs got on Drake, and the living great white shark of a human being eating a foot and a half long full-sized Taco Bell meal freaked him out. Toot let out another, much louder and longer fart from the quote-unquote 'Mexican' dish.
Drake began to gag as the fart filled his lungs. Despite this though, the main thing on his mind was the well being of Josh.
"Oh wait, I just remembered! Burritos give me diarrhea!"
"MMMMMHHHHHHMMMMMHHHHHHHMMMMMMMHHHHHHHHHH!"
*Laugh Track*
Downstairs, the Cock, Paper, Scissors tournament had truly begun. Warm-up time was over.
"And now, the tournament begins! I'll jack off to celebrate!" Spanky announced, whipping his beef thermometer out.
"Hey! You're only allowed to do that during Warm-up!" Xandir complained.
Spanky looked at Xandir like he had just murdered a playground full of children.
"Who died and made you the Fresh Prick of Bel-Air?" Spanky asked, in a very mocking tone.
"Dammit guys, y'all haven't told the new Judge what he's supposed to be doing!" Foxxy complained.
Josh sat tied up in a chair, covered in smelly piss.
*Laugh Track*
"Let him vibe man, he's tied up anyway!" Spanky shouted.
"He's also covered in yo' stinky piss from earlier! Now get da' fucking rule book and read it to that living California Cracka' Barrel before I put yo' nuts in a vice and squeeze em' til' white spaghetti comes out!" Foxxy shouted.
Everyone in the room was rendered silent by this threat.
"You know what, I'll do it… But only because I know you'll actually follow through with that threat."
"I can convert a money printer into a ball flattener with more ease than a damn fresh lemon squeeze!" Foxxy bragged, using a saying that didn't make sense but sounded kinda neat.
Wooldoor had a PTSD flashback about the time she did just that.
*Laugh Track*
"Ok ok, calm your ass down! I'm doing it!" Spanky ordered while opening up a very large book.
Josh wasn't really sure what to make of the situation anymore but felt as if he should say something."
"Do I HAVE to be tied up?"
Clara started giggling.
"Of course not, but it's the only way we can make sure you don't run away." Clara innocently explained.
"R-Run away? The heck are you talking about dude, I just wanna get out of here!" Josh shrieked, trying to get out of the chair.
"Aw man, he looks upset. Should we start this up while the iron's hot?" Spanky asked.
*Laugh Track*
"Dammit! Tell him what he's supposed to be fucking doing already!" Captain Hero roared.
"...So basically, whoever wins the individual matches, will kick you in the nuts. Your job is to determine who kicked you the hardest." Spanky explained.
Josh froze up in confusion and horror for a moment.
"B-B-But I don't wanna get kicked THERE!" Josh whined.
*Laugh Track*
"Well, fuck you, we're starting!" Spanky yelled while closing the book with a thud.
"What?! Noooo!" Josh panicked.
Jew Producer walked into the room.
*Cheer Track*
"Alright! Our first match today will be Captain Hero vs Ling Ling!"
Ling Ling walked up, dressed as a Japanese CEO. Captain Hero, on the other hand, was dressed up as a Tribal African American.
"You better get ready, you greedy Jap! My Basketball tribe has been training me for this very moment! We always used leftover, sharpened fried chicken bones to hunt wild lions! The lions represent our heart, our courage, and-"
Everyone in the room laughed. Well everyone except for Josh and Foxxy.
"Mutha' fuckin'… Honky ass…" Foxxy angry mumbled to herself.
Ling Ling said something, but we don't speak Asian, so we can't translate it.
"Hey pal, you want some roast beef with that mayonnaise?" Spanky chuckled.
*Laugh Track*
"That- That doesn't even make sense!" Josh complained.
Jew Producer managed to halt his laughter.
"Ohh, wow! We're already off to a good start! Now, let's-"
A very loud fart from upstairs violently shook the entire house.
"Holy shit! That burrito sure makes my farts smell bad!" Toot yells from upstairs.
"Fucking… Anyway, let's get on with the match!" Jew Producer finished.
Spanky pulled out a 'Round One' sign as Captain Hero and Ling Ling walked towards Josh, facing each other in the mighty contest of Cock, Paper, Scissors.
"You're going down, Ching Ching-I mean Ling Ling!" Captain Hero exclaimed racistly.
*Laugh Track*
"これは確かに残忍な瞬間です." Ling Ling replied, uh… Asianly?
(Japanese for 'This is indeed a bruh moment'...We think?)
He said something else too around the same time, but it was just something really really bad about the Chinese.
"COCK-PAPER-SCISSORS!" Captain Hero and Ling Ling both yelled, making the usual hand movements.
"How do the rules for this even go!?" Josh asked, trying not to panic.
"Who cares?" Foxxy replied.
"DAMN!" Ling Ling shouted Japanesely.
"Ha! I win! Cock cums on paper!" Captain Hero celebrated.
"Uhh… is this considered a game show? I'd like to phone a friend! He's a cop!" Josh shouted in fear.
*Laugh Track*
Winding up a mighty kick, Captain Hero sledgehammered his foot square into Josh's sack.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Josh screamed.
"Your turn, Ling Ling! May Samurai Jack honor you with his blessed weeb shit!" Jew Producer announced, calling Ling Ling to the stage.
"Wait, you said the winner kicks me in the nuts! He didn't wiiiiiin!" Josh complained, also crying at this point.
Jew Producer considered this.
"Well, I changed my mind!"
*Laugh Track*
"I THINK I MIGHT BE A BLEEDER!" Josh shrieked, noticing Ling Ling winding up for an electrically charged spinning attack.
With the fury of the storm, Ling Ling catapulted himself between Josh's legs, hitting him directly in the sack with the force of what felt like a fucking cannonball.
"AAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH WHYYYYYYYYY!?" Josh cried in testicular anguish.
*Laugh Track*
"Wow, impressive! Now, let's get on to the next match!" Jew Producer announced.
Foxxy and Clara walked up. Neither of them dressed up, and instead just wore super revealing bikinis.
"Wait, you two aren't-"
"Quiet! This white bitch is going down!" Foxxy snapped, interrupting Jew Producer.
"Ha, you think your tribal Ooga Booga bloodline stands a chance against my royally pure and only slightly inbred bloodline!?"
The two stared each other down and got in position.
"COCK-PAPER-SCISSORS!" Two yelled in unison.
Foxxy frowned, while Clara gave a shit-eating grin.
"Yes! Paper covers scissors!" Clara cheered.
"YOU GOT LUCKY! IF THIS GAME WASN'T RUN BY A JEW, THEN A BLACK WOMEN COULD FAIRLY WIN!"
Jew Producer could tell Foxxy was starting to catch on, and quickly change the subject.
"Congratulations Clara! Now, let's see what you've got!"
Clara got ready to kick him, but couldn't bring herself to do it.
"I'm sorry, but I can't kick this white man's balls. It just wouldn't be right."
Josh let out an extreme sigh of relief.
"Thank you, lady! Thank yo-"
"Wait, never mind. I can now see something nonwhite in him."
Clara delivered a swift, quick, and absolutely fucking crushing kick to his nuts. Josh didn't even have time to prepare.
"AWWAAAOHHHHAAAHHHHHH!"
*Laugh Track*
"Ohh, you think that hurt?! Wait till you feel my 'Ooga Booga' dropkick!" Foxxy taunted, wearing the cleats for extra piercing effect.
"OH GOD WHYYYYYYYYYYHYHYHYHYYYYY!?" Josh yelled. His eyes turned into the size of dinner plates as Foxxy physically goddamn SPRINTED towards him.
As if she were an Olympic athlete, Foxxy Claymore Kicked Josh square in the nutsack, cleat-first.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH OH MY GOD IT HURTS SO BAD!" Josh yelled comically.
*Laugh Track*
"Oh yeah, motha' fucka'? Foxxy ain't takin' no jive from some Cuckifornia cracka' like yo'self!" Foxxy yelled Blackly.
"I'M NOT EVEN FORTY PERCENT WHIII-HIII-HIIIITE! MY GRANDPARENTS ARE BOTH MEXICAN!" Josh bawled.
"WHAT?! MY MAMMA WAS KILLED BY MEXICANS?!" raged Foxxy, jumping up like goddamn Spider-Man and drop kicking him in the nuts again.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH YOU ALREADY WEEENT!" Josh shrieked.
*Laugh Track*
"Wow! That's going to be a tough one to beat! Up next is-"
Another one of Toots farts once again shook the entire house. This time though, Toots' broken bed came crashing through the ceiling, landing directly on Josh.
"Well shoot, looks like we've lost another Judge." Wooldoor commented.
*Laugh Track*
Toot looked around in dazed confusion.
"Th-that's the last time I b-buy a burrito from… Uhhhh…." Toot tried to say, as she slipped into unconsciousness.
Jew Producer began slamming his fist rapidly on the kitchen table while yelling whatever naughty word came to mind. Because of this, no one noticed Drake and Josh standing up from the rubble.
"Dude now's our chance to escape!" Drake exclaimed as quietly as possible.
Josh noticed some poop on Drakes face but really didn't want to bring it up.
*Laugh Track*
"Yeah, let's get out before they find another chair to tie me up too!"
The two sped walked their way out before anyone could notice. The fresh air outside never felt better.
"Oh my god, it feels so good to get out of there!" Drake yelled.
"Eeeeeeeeeeeeee…" Josh eked in pain/more than likely lasting PTSD.
*Laugh Track*
Josh limped away as Drake helped him. Unfortunately, the two failed to notice the speeding van coming right at them, as they were distracted by something else.
"Hey, Drake?" Josh asked.
"Yeah, Josh?" Drake replied.
"Where's the ride?" Josh asked again.
*Laugh Track*
"WHAT?" Drake yelled.
"Drake?" Josh asked again.
Drake was silent.
"WHERE… is the ride?" Josh asked once more.
"I—It's right over there, next to that stop sign." Drake replied, pointing at a bicycle.
Before the two could attempt riding the bicycle simultaneously, a homeless man stole it while they watched.
*Laugh Track*
"You were supposed to lock it up, Drake!" Josh yelled, still in massive pain from the testicular assault.
Drake looked around a bit.
"... I see the problem."
"Oh, DO YA?!" Josh shouted.
*LAUGH TRACK*
Suddenly a van started screeching and coming right for the two.
"WE NEED A RIDE DUDE, THERE'S LIKE SIX ANGRY PSYCHOS AFTER US! AND THERE'S EVEN A VAN NOW!" Josh exclaimed, pointing at the van.
*laugh track*
The two slowly looked at each other.
"A VAN?!" the two yelled in unison.
The van hit them harder than, uhhhh… They got hit by a van, ok? That probably really fucking hurt. Josh was knocked unconscious, while Drake was barely able to maintain his.
The van came to a stop a few feet away, and two British guys hopped out. These two British guys being-
"NOOOOOO! NOW YOU COMPLETELY RUINED THEM!" Jew Producer screamed, completely cutting us off before we could tell you that the two men were 2D and Murdock from Gorillaz.
"Ha! I didn't do shit! This fag right here was behind the wheel!" Murdock explained while hitting 2D on the arm.
2D was on too much coke to care.
"Well, you better have a good excuse you asshole! Those two are THE Drake and Josh! You have any idea how many views an episode with them would get?!" Jew producer raged.
2D stared blankly at Jew Producer
"Sorry, but I was too busy with something important," 2D explained.
"Important?! You were doing a line off of Noodles ass!" Murdock added.
Jew Producer began shaking in near unhinged rage. Before he could completely blow up though, Noodle hoped out of the van.
"Did I hear someone say Drake and-"
She noticed Drake laying beaten on the ground, and immediately started fangirling.
"DRAKE!"
Noodle ran up to Drake and started dragging him towards the van.
"Help…" Drake whimpered.
*Laugh Track*
"...Where the Hell did that laughing come from?" Murdoc wondered while looking around.
Jew producer got even more enraged and was about to explode. Before he could though, 2D pulled out a bag of money.
"Since it's Noodle's 'she's legal now and we can't get in trouble anymore' birthday, how about we just buy those two off-"
"Deal!" Jew Producer replied, grabbing the money from 2D.
Jew Producer ran back inside, leaving Drake and Josh to their fates.
"Well, that was easy. Let's grab Josh and get the Hell out of here." Murdock said.
While they were grabbing Josh, Noodle had already gotten Drake on the Van and taken his pants off. There was nothing he could do but be violated by Noodle. What made it worse though was hearing the gumball machine man getting violated by Russell in the back.
"OH GOD, WHHHYYYY?!" Benson cried out.
Inside the house, Jew Producer was on the phone with someone while getting head from Clara and Foxxy.
"Ok, so things didn't work as anticipated, but Drake and Josh are now out of the picture."
On the other end of the line, Megan smiled at this news.
"Good! Now Nickelodeon will finally give me my own show!"
Jew producer held the phone away for a moment. He didn't anticipate her yelling that loudly on the phone.
"Ye- Yeah. The Gorillaz took them and-"
"I know. I've been watching it all transpire from my laptop… Also, I MAY be the reason they were there in the first place." Megan explained, trying not to sound cocky.
Jew Producer was a little pissed about this but didn't care because he had money.
"How the Hell did you manage to get the Gorillaz here?"
Megan laughs to herself.
"Let's just say you get to know a lot of people when you run your own sex trafficking ring."
Jew Producer was on the verge of an orgasm and didn't want to be talking to an underaged girl.
"Oh ok, well I'll talk to you later, Megan."
"It's not Megan anymore. Call me… Carly."
"Ok whatever, bye!"
Jew Producer hung up and went boooooom with the white stuff. Carly felt very proud of herself and got ready for her new life of fame and success. Unfortunately for her though, someone else was listening in on their conversation.
"My oh my. Kids these days…" Pops said to himself, quite disappointed.
Pops got on his laptop to find out where Carly lived. It didn't take him long to find out where Carly lived. If anything, it was significantly easier than he thought it would be. Though, that was probably do to Carly never using incognito mode when running her online sex trafficking ring.
"I hope this Carly girl is ready because she and I are going to have a little talk…"