"I'm just tired."

Three little words. That's all they were. But it was the way she said them that had Alfie's attention. He recognised that look in her eyes; the fact that they didn't quite have their usual shine nor did they crinkle in the corners when she attempted to smile and convince him she was fine. He recognised the slight slump of her shoulders; the way they looked like they bore the weight of the world on them. And that was because to her they did.

I'm just tired was her way of saying that it was back; that black dog that wrapped its leash around her and squeezed the last remnants of joy out of her, leaving an empty sadness in its wake. The truth of course was that the black dog never left her- not really. It lurked in the periphery of her life, waiting with slobbering jaws for a moment when things were going just a little too well or when she was just a little too happy, and then it would appear with its wagging tail and a presence that was as comforting as it was painful.

I'm just tired was her way of saying she hurt and she wanted to be alone. Only the last thing she wanted was to be alone. She wanted him to see that she was desperate for him to know that she needed him, but she also wanted to push him away in the same breath. She wanted to push him away to see if he would fight his way back towards her or would he leave her like everyone else eventually did? She wanted to push him away to keep him safe, because she didn't want to taint him with this blackness and suffocate him in the way she was suffocating daily. But at the exact same time, she wanted to be selfish and let the dog wrap its leash around him as well so that she would never have to be alone again. Misery loves company after all.

I'm just tired was her way of saying that she wanted to die but she also wanted a life with him. Marriage, children, family memories, everything. She wanted to lie in bed and sleep so that she didn't have to feel, but at the same time she wanted to feel everything she thought she never would ever again. She wanted to open her eyes in the morning and feel happy at the sight of the sun streaming through the curtains. She wanted to allow herself the joy of being lost in hopes and dreams of what the day might bring. But she didn't want those things either. Not really. She couldn't help but find solace in the feeling of despair that enveloped her when she opened her eyes and realised that she was still very much alive and forced to suffer another day dealing with her self imposed anguish.

And wasn't that the truth? It was self-imposed, because when she wasn't covered in that darkened fog or that hopeless despair, she craved it like a comfort blanket around her. It understood her and she understood it. They had a mutual knowing in which she would allow it to ruin her life so long as it promised to never leave her. It was a strange thing to desire and clutch tight hold of the very thing that had no intention other than to extinguish the small moments of joy in her life, but it was all she knew. Without it she didn't feel complete. She craved that loneliness and that pain because it was safe; it was home. It was a broken home inside of herself, but it was her home nonetheless.

Alfie tried to understand; he was desperate to understand because he loved her and he couldn't stand to see her hurt. More than anything he couldn't stand to see her hurting herself. And he wasn't just talking about the angry lashes that scarred her arms and legs. No, he was talking about the way in which she had convinced herself that she deserved nothing more than this because she was nobody and she was nothing.

But that's where she was wrong. To Alfie Solomons, she was everything. She was his reason for breathing, his reason for existing. And for the rest of his days he would do the only thing he could do when she felt like this. He would wrap his giant bear arms around her and pull her close. Once upon a time, she used to cry in his embrace but now she was just numb most of the time. She would bury her face into his chest and breathe in his sandalwood and cigar smoke scent, letting it remind her that no matter how much she felt alone she wasn't. Letting it remind her that no matter how much she wanted to be alone she wasn't. He would never let her be alone for as long as he lived.