Thank you to my good friend, Andreas, for talking and helping me through plot ideas for this story. I couldn't have written it without him!
The events of this chapter take place during Islands Part 2.
It depicts anxiety and a panic attack occurring. Viewer discretion is advised.
Thoughts were racing through Shaun's mind faster than he could even process them. His feelings were overwhelming, nauseating even, but also strangely euphoric at the same time. It was easy to get lost in them but the sensations of the outside world kept dragging him back to reality. The smell of the cheap carpet cleaner that always wafted through the hallways of his apartment complex, the sound of the elevator dinging just before the heavy doors opened on his floor, and the taste of tequila that still lingered on his tongue even twelve hours later.
It's just the usual symptoms of Veisalgia. Shaun kept mentally repeating to himself. In a couple hours my body will produce enough Glutathione to convert the Acetaldehyde into harmless acetate, I'll feel better then. Shaun was then taken out of his thought process by Lea already brainstorming their next road trip as she walked with him to their neighboring apartments.
"...how do you feel about Disneyland? I know it's a long drive to LA but I'd be so much fun!" Lea insists over dramatically pleading with her new road trip companion.
"We could go on rides and stay at the resort, we could even get those Mickey Mouse hats with our names on them." She then suggests joyfully patting Shaun on the head, instinctively moving away at the touch, Lea only afterwards realizing her mistake as she slowly takes her hand back.
"I don't like theme parks. They're too crowded and rollercoasters cause whiplash." Shaun factually states in response to the request.
Lea's eyes widen at the blunt rejection of her plans. "Okay, that's fine. Let's just put a pin in it for now. Because I will get you to change your mind, Shaun Murphy. I'm very persistent." Lea exclaims opening the door to her apartment, seconds away from leaving him alone in the hallway until the young man raises his voice.
"Lea!" Shaun blurts out just before the door can close shut, his hands begin stimming together at a faster rate than normal. Lea gently opened the door to a respectable distance once again.
"What's wrong, Shaun?" She asks as he struggles for his next words.
"Thank you for helping me with Doctor Glassman. I really liked going on a road trip with you. I hope we can do it again soon, even if we go to a crowded theme park." Shaun says avoiding eye contact as the hand stimming continues unrelentingly.
Lea's face turns to a warm smile as a faint shade of red blushes over her cheeks. "I do too." She quietly says back.
They both stand in the doorway awkwardly for the next ten seconds, clearly waiting for something to happen, until Shaun finally breaks the silence. "Goodbye!" He shouts at a poorly controlled volume as he then power walks to his apartment and quickly enters inside at a speed one could consider superhuman.
All Lea can do is whimsically chuckle as she quietly says "...goodbye, Shaun" under her breath before finally closing her apartment door.
The second Shaun gets inside he feels his heart begin to swell with a flurry of emotions as his thoughts become quick and disorganized once again. This hangover was turning out to be more bothersome than he anticipated. Shaun had never drank alcohol before last night, and Glassman always told him not to for exactly this reason. But he wanted to rebel, wanted to be a good friend to Lea. Maybe Doctor Glassman was right, maybe I should've never drank all that tequila. Maybe I shouldn't have gone on the road trip at all. Shaun's symptoms suddenly got worse as the thought crossed his mind. He began to feel as if his heart weighed a million pounds and the knot in his stomach started to get tighter every second.
He rushes to the toilet prepared to throw up again, feeling the same way he did at the Motel right after kissing Lea. I kissed her. She kissed me. The memory of that magic kiss seemed to calm him down, he wasn't feeling nauseous anymore. After he was sure he wouldn't throw up Shaun quickly made his way to the living room and unwrapped his plastic scalpel. Holding it in his hand as he sat on his bed, realizing only now that ache in his chest wasn't a hangover, it was love, he loves Lea and it hurts not being with her. She was just a few doors down but that still felt too far.
Shaun sat fidgeting with the plastic scalpel for a few more minutes before realizing this feeling wasn't going away. He wanted Lea to be his girlfriend, to see her everyday, to kiss her again. There was nothing he wanted more.
Neil Melendez was not known for his patience, especially when it came to his Residents skimping on their duties. Being a good doctor is about patience, discipline, and most of all punctuality. Shaun Murphy as far as he was concerned, despite his brilliant medical mind, displayed none of those things. So when Doctor Glassman informed him that Shaun would be taking a few days off to deal with a "personal crisis" it wasn't very surprising. Nothing he couldn't accommodate by having the other Residents put in some extra hours, it'll be good for them.
What he wasn't expecting was the day Shaun returned he would look so enchanted for lack of a better word, more like someone who just got back from a vacation to Hawaii then the victim of a debilitating crisis that prevents you from working. "Murphy, I take it everything you needed to deal with these last few days has been handled?" Neil asks in his usual serious tone.
"It has, Doctor Melendez, and I'm ready to work again!" Shaun proudly tells his superior.
"Great, Claire could use your help with an Angiogram." Melendez states, addressing Shaun with his usual sternness.
"I'll fill you in on the way, Shaun." Claire gently insists as she walks with him to the MRI.
"...and Murphy!" Melendez shouts out just as Shaun and Claire are about to make their descent. "If you leave for two days with no notice again, you're no longer my resident. Understand?"
"Yes." Shaun answers candidly and with an approving nod from Melendez he and Claire are off.
Both Doctors position themselves comfortably in the MRI Gallery while waiting for the Angiogram results.
"I missed you these last two days, Shaun, where were you? Is everything okay?" Claire humbly asks, the sense of care apparent in her inflection.
"On a road trip." Shaun answers.
"A road trip?" She reaffirms.
"Yes, with Lea. We kissed and now I want her to be my girlfriend. Can you help me?"
Claire didn't know what to say. The conversation had gone a completely different direction than she anticipated. Everyone at St. Bonaventure knew about the incident where Shaun had slapped Glassman in the lobby and figured his absence was a result of that. Claire kept Imagining he was emotionally unstable because of it, or worse. Seems as though her worries got the best of her.
"Shaun, that's wonderful, and if she kissed you she probably wants to be your girlfriend too." Claire reassures him.
"I've never asked anyone out before, I don't want to do it wrong." Shaun of course knew that he could literally just ask her to be his girlfriend, that's probably how he would've done it in the past. But Lea was special, he didn't want to treat this with the same indifference he normally does towards everyday activities. Shaun cared about this, he wanted it to matter.
Claire smiled earnestly, flattered that Shaun would come to her for advice. "The most important thing is to just be yourself. You're a good man, Shaun. You don't need to pretend to be anyone else, not to someone who matters anyway. Lea's going to love you for being exactly who you are."
Shaun seemed slightly peeved with her advice as noted by his increased hand stimming and eyes darting across the room. "I don't want to be myself, I want to be better. I want to be a... gentleman."
The word gentleman rolled off his tongue awkwardly, it wasn't exactly a regular part of his vocabulary, but he felt it necessary to use since it best described what he wanted to be. Claire fortunately seemed to understand exactly what Shaun meant. "I wish there were more men like you," Claire then turns her full attention to Shaun who in turn gives her the same, a rare occurrence for the normally absent minded Doctor. "Here's what you should do. Buy her flowers and chocolate, it's cheap, easy and girls love it, I think Lea will too."
"Flowers and chocolate, flowers and chocolate. I will remember that! Thank you, Claire." Shaun kept repeating that in his head as if he would somehow forget it. Once my shift ends I'll stop by the Grocery Store and pick up flowers and chocolate for Lea. It was a plan, and Shaun loved plans.
The next few hours teetered along until lunch time where Shaun sat alone after ordering his usual Peanut butter and Jelly sandwich with a glass of milk, he could barely focus on eating though, he was too excited for tonight, going over dozens of scenarios in his head until the daydreams were interrupted by a familiar voice. "Hey Shaun, is this seat taken?" Doctor Glassman asks.
"It is not." Shaun replies back avoiding eye contact. Glassman slowly sits down across from him with his own lunch of eggs and Avocado Toast in hand. He clearly wanted to talk.
"Look Shaun, I-I know these last few days have been hard for you, but I just want you to know I'm not mad. Okay? All I want to do is help, it's all I've ever wanted, and If you're not comfortable with seeing a therapist now, I'll back off." The words were painful for Glassman to say, not only because he generally hated to admit being wrong, but because he truly believed this was a bad idea. Navigating the world as a young person would be hard for anyone but especially someone with ASD. Still, Glassman knew he had to bite the bullet on this one. If I upset him again it'll just get worse. I have to keep the peace.
"I know. When you adopted me, it was because you cared. But sometimes you're wrong, and you think you're right, and it upsets me." Shaun responds, Glassman annoyed at the subtle jab towards his ego. I'm still right, you'll just throw a fit before admitting it. He wanted to say aloud, but bit his tongue at the last minute instead opting to simply be relieved Shaun forgave him at all.
"Just promise me you won't run off again." Glassman firmly insists Shaun reassure him. "I was so worried about you that I almost broke into your neighbor Lea's apartment trying to see if you were there." He adds on a light chuckle at the end to try and make his legally ambiguous behavior seem less extreme. Shaun doesn't laugh.
"I like Lea, I'm going to ask her to be my girlfriend tonight." Glassman's look of comfort quickly disappeared after hearing that. Putting his fork down while taking a deep breath.
"Shaun, I don't think that's a good idea." Thoughts were quickly accumulating in Glassman's head about every reason why. He didn't know Lea well except for the stories Shaun told him, but having put a face to the name he could tell she seemed to be the exact opposite of someone who would like Shaun. She's going to break his heart.
"Where-where is this coming from anyway? I thought you told me you didn't want to find love." Glassman had always suspected Shaun would find a girlfriend one day, but that it would be someone like Carly Lever from Pathology. Someone more like him.
"That was before I met Lea. She makes me happy. She's nice, smart, fun, pretty, and she gives good hugs. I want to be able to hug her everyday." The more Glassman heard the worse it sounded. Shaun is in too deep, he has to get him out, for his own sake. Even if it hurts now.
"Have you put any thought into what she wants? Lea might not want to be your girlfriend." The idea hadn't even crossed Shaun's mind and his pulse spiked the second Glassman suggested it was possible. He could ask her and she could reject him, like Colleen Meyers did. No, she wouldn't do that. Lea's special, she has to be.
"We kissed already. She likes me." Shaun confidently tells Glassman, hoping it will shut this disturbing line of reasoning down in its tracks.
"So, maybe she's just a flirt then. It doesn't mean she wants a boyfriend. Remember that movie we saw when you were in seventh grade, 500 Days of Summer? " Classic story of unrequited love. Perfect analogy for Shaun's predicament here.
"Yes, I didn't like that movie, I like Shrek." Glassman tries his hardest to stop himself from sarcastically rolling his eyes, he was a movie buff but Shaun only liked animation.
"What I'm trying to say, Shaun, is that sometimes when we love someone they don't always love us back. But we can't put all of our self worth on being with them, it's not fair to either of you." Glassman could see the dread building in Shaun's eyes as they began to turn bloodshot and he quickly put his sandwich down. He wasn't feeling very hungry anymore.
"I have to go." He blurts out, Shaun's voice cracking in the process as he gets up and storms out of the Cafeteria. Glassman nonetheless continues to eat his lunch knowing Shaun's predicament can't end well, but hoping he pushed him towards the lesser of two evils.
The rest of the day had a much different feeling after lunch. Instead of giddy excitement Shaun felt anxious and sick. He tried to distract himself by only focusing on his Surgical duties. Fortunately, Melendez seemed to be used to Shaun's arbitrary mood swings and didn't question it.
Once the shift was over and he got onto the bus back home, all the distractions of the Hospital quite literally behind him, did the grief all start flooding back in. How could she not feel the same way kissing me? It didn't make sense. Then again, a lot of things people did made no sense to Shaun, but that doesn't mean they weren't real. The pain got worse remembering that, imagining Lea being just like them. Not special.
The bus came to a stop one block away from the Grocery Store, Shaun was supposed to buy his flowers and chocolate there, but he stayed put. Lingering on until the doors shut once again and the bus started moving, passing his opportunity in the wind. Ten minutes later it eventually stops at the apartment building and once inside Shaun acts on his first instinct by turning on his TV to the Weather Channel, taking his plastic scalpel out of its cloth again, and finally sitting down mere inches away from the screen stroking the toy in his hand.
This lasted for hours until a knock on the door was heard. At first he did nothing hoping whoever it was would just go away. But ten seconds later they knocked again and he started to worry. It might be the Landlord or someone he'd get in trouble for blowing off. Shaun knew what he had to do and slowly got up to open the door, his heart skipping a beat when he saw Lea on the other side, animated as ever holding a box of pizza in both her hands. Shaun had always thought Lea was physically attractive, but seeing her again after all of his recent "emotional" developments, she was stunning. Even just standing there under crappy fluorescent lights in a leather jacket and jeans.
"Hey, you!" She says in a flirtatious tone, or at least what Shaun interpreted as flirtatious. "So, I accidentally ordered an extra large with Fennel Sausage, and even though I could eat it all by myself, my hips would probably thank me if I shared it with someone. What do you say? You want to have a Pizza party with me?" Lea asks playfully as Shaun tries his best to wrangle the swarm of butterflies currently taking up residence in his stomach.
Looking straight above her head clearly enough to avoid eye contact Shaun lets out his answer, "I'm not hungry. You can have it all if you want." He then tries to shut the door but Lea stops him.
"Wait, Shaun." she quickly says, gently opening the door fully again. "It's not about the pizza, I just really wanted to hang out tonight. I had a bad day today and if I don't vent I'm going to explode." Lea looked sincere enough in her request that even Shaun understood it. She was the last person he wanted to see right now but paradoxically the only one too. While Shaun was busy mentally listing out the pros and cons of accepting the offer his mouth made the decision for him.
"I had a bad day too. You can come in." Shaun insists as Lea's face turns into a bright smile.
"Then I guess we can both wallow in our misery together." She quips while giggling and placing the large Pizza box on his table. That was not a good idea. Shaun realizes, too late to do anything about it now.
After settling down Lea starts digging in while carrying on about her day as Shaun slowly nibbles away at his one slice. "I was in a meeting for four hours and I didn't spend a single minute of it doing anything productive. My boss just had me do a bunch of busy work by going through patent trademarks. Doesn't the company have a business team for stuff like that?" Lea wonders expecting validation from her friend.
"Doctor Melendez sometimes makes me do scut work outside my area of expertise too, he says it teaches work ethic. But I just think he makes me do it because he doesn't like me, maybe your boss doesn't like you either." Shaun wasn't sure if that was helpful, but still felt it necessary to give her an honest answer, it's what she would've wanted.
Lea sighs, "He doesn't. Nobody at my job takes me seriously, it's a total boys club, and the only women who get ahead either network constantly or just sleep their way to the top. No one cares about the ideas or the art, it's all just about making the most money or having the right connections."
"You should quit." Shaun quickly suggests. "The people at your job sound mean. But you're not mean, you're the nicest person I know. You should be with people who are as nice as you."
"Shaun, that's so sweet, thank you." Lea says unable to handle the wholesomeness of Shaun's compliment. "I still need to pay my rent though, so quitting won't work." Lea did appreciate the idea though. Nobody ever seemed to dare suggest that quitting was even an option at a job like hers. Only one reason they ever cited, the salary. Shaun didn't see that, he didn't even care. He saw her for who she was and nothing else.
"But enough about me, what happened with your day?" Shaun's heart starts pounding after hearing her question. He obviously can't tell Lea the truth, but he can't lie either! He'd never lie to her. "Shaun?" Lea exclaims, clearly waiting for some type of answer. She asked him a question and he couldn't just sit here saying nothing.
"I was, uh, I was, uh, very upset after lunch." Suddenly, the whole world started narrowing in all at once. Shaun could feel his throat constricting and his entire body start sweating. He quickly bolts up out of his chair and starts pacing around the room. Lea quickly getting up after him "Shaun, are you okay? What happened?" It was the first time Lea had ever seen him ever do something like this and the most she could tell was that he was having some type of panic attack.
"I don't want to tell you, I don't want to tell you." His voice slowly becomes more hysterical which only serves to make Lea more concerned.
"Just breathe, okay, deep breaths, in and out." She catches up to him and puts her hand on his chest, repeating for him to breathe. The process eventually works as Shaun stops pacing and feels himself catching his breath again.
"Now tell me, what's going on?" She softly asks, the two of them crouched together on the floor next to each other.
"I kept thinking about you..." Shaun finally confesses to Lea. His voice becoming obviously emotional as he quickly moves away again, reaching for his plastic scalpel by the TV.
Me? Lea's heart dropped hearing that. What did I do wrong? I've been making sure not to do anything that I know would make him uncomfortable. Maybe I pushed too hard asking him about his day, or by making him drive... or kiss me. I should've been more careful. Lea manages to keep all these thoughts inside just listening, waiting for Shaun to finish his sentence.
"I kept thinking about if you wanted to be my girlfriend or not. Claire said you do but Doctor Glassman said you don't and if you don't I don't know what I'm gonna do…"
Lea's expression suddenly turned from scared concern into a look of optimistic suspicion as her worries all started to disappear. "Shaun, were you going to ask me to be your girlfriend?"
Shaun was at a verbal roadblock again. He didn't want to tell her the truth, but it was all he had left to give, he doesn't lie to Lea, that's why they became friends in the first place, and if they lost that, what would they have left? "I was going to buy you flowers and chocolate, and then ask you, yes."
Lea bit her lip and crossed her arms."Flowers and chocolate, huh? Maybe you still should. It might not go as bad as you think." And with that said Shaun knew there was no avoiding it anymore. She had him in a box, this was happening whether he wanted it to or not. Shaun puts his plastic scalpel down and then walks over to the Refrigerator. Taking out a green apple before picking up a stapler off the ground and handing them both to Lea, each respectively acting as a surrogate version of the chocolate and flowers.
After accepting both of them Shaun stands as tall as he can, looking into her deep Hazel eyes before taking one last breath and finally asking, "Lea Dilallo, I want to be your boyfriend." He was standing completely still for the first time that whole night. "Do you want to be my girlfriend?" He asks, not even breathing at this point. Just waiting in complete silence for her answer.
Lea was silent too, standing right in front of him, her arms now in her pockets as her face lets out a soft, warm smile, "Yes Shaun, I would love to be your girlfriend." Her smile now expanding across her whole face, lighting up the entire apartment. Once he realized she said yes Shaun let out a faint laugh, crumpling his fists and shaking them around in excitement. "Oh yes, yes, yes!" he says out loud as Lea laughs with him.
Once their celebration is over they both go quiet again and look into each other's eyes. "Can I put my arms around you?" Lea asks.
Shaun doesn't give an answer but the look in his eyes said everything she needed to know. Lea affectionately put her arms around his neck before slowly inching in and kissing him. Shaun, at first, is taken aback by her lips on his, but the second his mind catches up to his body on what this meant, he let it happen without hesitation. Doing his best at the same time to try and remember this moment, it smelled like Lea's fruity perfume, the same kind that he loved from the moment he smelled it for the first time, and her mouth tasted like fennel from the pizza.
They both then move their faces away from one another, Lea keeping her arms around Shaun while looking into his eyes. "I like kissing you." He tells her.
"You want to do it again?" Lea offers.
Shaun gives her the same affirming look as before, and the same affectionate kiss is shared once again.