Chapter 1

After a very busy day of board meetings and reviewing pending surgeries of her surgeons, Audrey finally had a moment to herself. As she walks along the now empty hallway of St. Bonaventure, she felt the exhaustion of the day reach her. She had been burying herself with work these past few weeks – although there's nothing unusual with that. She had always loved the hospital. She loved the adrenaline rushing through her veins whenever she gets paged to the ER for a trauma case.

But the reason why she's over working herself these days isn't all because she loves her work. She wouldn't admit it to anyone but deep inside, it's her way of forgetting her heartache. She'd try to numb the pain with work and tell herself that 'It's okay Audrey. Maybe you can't really have it all, might as well be successful in one thing that will never leave you – your dreams'.

After her breakup with Neil, she tried hard to avoid him. If she sees him, she might question her decision and will end up regretting everything. She still loves him, but fear got ahead of her. She loves him enough to give up her Chief of Surgery position and find some career at other hospitals but when he rejected that option she doesn't know anymore. After Neil's blame game with his dead patient she can't help but second guess all her decisions. His words hurt and it continues to haunt her even after their break up.

'Heart trumps head' she once said and only ended up making a grave mistake. This time she uses her head once again just like what she did during her divorce. She makes the hard decision to break them up before things got worst. She doesn't want their relationship to drift apart because of the constant arguments and pressure at work. In order to preserve their decade long friendship and respect as colleagues she has to lose him as a lover. A big sacrifice for someone she told herself she didn't love enough.

And the sacrifice was still a disaster she can't control.

Audrey reached the elevator and stepped inside, pressing the button to her office floor. She feels hungry and remembered that she barely had any food eaten during the day. Just some energy bars to fuel her throughout the day.

She remembered her encounter with Neil the day after the breakup at that same spot. He wanted to make sure everything's okay between the two of them. That at least their friendship before their romance still exists and unharmed. Audrey should have been happy that he's willing to still be friends after but she didn't know what had gotten to her at that moment. She thought it was easy to fall back to friends again but just the sight of him breaks her heart more.

Falling in love with a longtime friend and separating after that wouldn't guarantee that both of you can fall back to being friends again like nothing had happened. But she didn't want to have another row with him, especially in public so without clearly meeting his eyes she lied saying it's all good. What Audrey didn't know was Neil could see through the lie. Because his actions, his loving gaze directed at her still speaks of his affection towards her. His concern whether she had eaten that day suddenly brought Audrey back to the present as her stomach grumbled.

'I'm not weak but I need food' Audrey thought, defying her own statement and started planning of what food she would order at home.

...

She kept herself busy with work and food but when she received a message from Laura, she squeezed a bit of time for her high school best friend on her busy schedule. They met at the hospital's cafeteria after Laura brought her baby girl for a check-up with her pediatrician.

"She grows so fast," Audrey exclaimed as she carried the infant.

"She does. Next time you see her, she'll probably learning how to walk. I couldn't get a hold of you. You're always at a meeting or in a surgery."

"Sorry, I'll make it up to you soon," she promised.

Laura seemed to be satisfied with that. "So how have you been? How are you and Neil?"

Audrey mentally cringed at her friend's interrogation. She didn't want to have this conversation at the middle of the day in such a public place like the hospital's cafeteria. But she knows her friend; she wouldn't stop once she started playing psychiatrist on her.

"We broke up weeks ago," she replied keeping herself busy by playing with the infant.

"He broke up with you?"

"I did."

"Aud…" Laura sighed. "I thought you're going to give it a chance this time," she looked at her friend sadly.

"It was a mistake," Audrey said but she didn't know anymore which was the mistake – her breaking up with him or the idea of beginning a relationship with Neil. Her heart tells her it's the former while her head believes the latter.

"This whole thing is complicated. I'd rather not risk the job that I had worked so hard for years," she simply told her, not wanting to elaborate the real reasons at that moment. Her words hurt if Neil had the chance to hear it but it's the harsh truth. When her marriage fell apart years ago, it was her job that remained constant. To her, it became her safety net when things get hard outside the hospital.

Laura was quiet and Audrey knew that her friend will reprimand her for listening to the worst of her thoughts again. She waited but was confused when Laura just gave her a sad smile.

"You know what, I've never seen you smile so much like that day when you confirmed that you and Neil were dating. That smile was different but familiar. It reminds me of our days in high school where we would beam with excitement when our teacher dismisses the class early…or when we would plan our summer break activities together. Those smiles were genuine happiness because we were not yet aware of how difficult it is to be an adult. I missed seeing you smile like that Aud," she told her catching her friend's gaze.

"He makes you happy, so why would you let your fears get in between you? Why would you let stupid hospital rules stand in your way? Where was the Audrey that I know? The one who wouldn't let her father's strict rules stop her from enjoying her teenage years..." Audrey chuckled at the reminder of her rebellious years as a teenager.

"Laura, I can't. I – ,"

"Does he love you?" Audrey nodded remembering Neil's impromptu confession. "Do you love him?"

"I do," she whispered. "But it's not that easy. I'm still his boss and our personal relationship complicates every decision I make with regards to work. I can't do this thing at the same time Laura."

She looked at Audrey in disbelief. "I don't think so. I know you. You're just afraid to take a risk at love again because you think it will fail. That he will end up leaving like Kashal. So you're doing this to prevent it from happening isn't it?"

Audrey avoided her friend's inquiring eyes.

"Why are you so afraid to be vulnerable?"

"This is Neil. Aud, based from what I've heard of him from you over the decade he sounds like a great man. He may annoy you sometimes but you can't deny that he's been slowly but surely creeping in your heart from years ago. You're both finally single at the same time. Shouldn't you take the chance?"

"Isn't it worth fighting for?" Laura asked.

...

"It is worth it right doctor?" Audrey was brought back to reality by her patient's father. She didn't realize she had been zoning out while Park was explaining the medical procedure to him. Their patient is risking a very dangerous surgery for his son's dream. Audrey had not been listening but thankfully Park saved her from answering.

"But sir, this could cost your son's life too. Don't you want him to live?"

"Singing is his life. Without his voice, its like I also killed him. He will only hate me more if he comes alive from this but will lose his golden voice. I already disappointed him so much by dismissing his dreams of becoming a singer and forcing him to be in academe like us," he said looking at his son in his ICU room while hooked on machines that now tries to keep him alive.

"I regret it so much that I didn't support his dreams. And now this happens…when he's about to make his dreams come true. He is becoming a singer but he wasn't fully happy because I wasn't there to support him. I.. I can't…" he paused trying to put a brave face in front of his son's doctors. "Even for the last moment, I want to show that I love him and I support him,"

"Please doctor. Do what you can do to save both," he pleaded.

Park turned to Audrey for confirmation. With difficulty she nodded.

"We need to have you sign a consent form first. But we will do everything that we can sir," she told without any promises.

She has a lot of things in her mind at the moment but looking at the situation in front of her she felt pity. Relationships are really complicated sometimes and only in dire situations people feel regret for their mistakes. She thought about her own relationship with a certain person and her heart clenched in regret and frustration.

She's at the peak of her career. Becoming a chief is a dream come true but it came with the expense of losing an important person in her life…again.

'Why do I have to keep sacrificing one thing to another?' she asked herself before taking the elevator with her resident to further discuss their plans for the surgery.

...

Audrey thought about it for a long time. And after several confrontations with Neil she finally had enough. She needed to deal with these emotions. She took some time to think about what she will be saying to him. Her ego doesn't want her again to take the first step into reconciliation, even when it is her who suggested the break up.

In her dreams, Neil would also realize that they hurt each other in the process. Him, during his patient's death. Her, for giving up on their relationship easily. He would realize his mistake in blaming her and she would apologize for leaving. They would agree for a second chance, this time doing their best to communicate with each other.

But that is not the reality. In real life, their ego prevails and miscommunications keep on making a disaster in their relationship. She needs to listen to Laura again and work against her pride.

She's never comfortable at talking about her feelings. She rarely opens up with anyone, aside from her best friend. So Audrey needed a lot of preparation and mental cheering up before she walked towards Neil's office one night after their shift.

She didn't need to knock because he already saw her approaching through the glass walls of his office. She entered and he just looked at her while waiting on what she has to say.

Audrey cringed when she said that their relationship was a mistake. It looks like her speech is making another disaster. She was never good in this aspect. Clenching her fists on her bag and jacket she continued.

"I really underestimated how hard this would be. Yes I've been having second thoughts," she said trying to meet his eyes.

"What are you saying?" Neil asked confused.

"I don't know," she admitted. She's making another mess here when all she wants really is for him to take her hand and say 'let's fix this mess'. For a moment she thought he was going to do that when he walked closer to her.

He looked straight in her eyes, full of pain, confusion and frustration. "Good."

"Its good to know that it's not easy. It's good to know that it mattered." He said before turning away and leaving her alone in his office.

...

Arriving from hospital, Audrey didn't bother taking her jacket off and changing into more comfortable and cleaner clothes. Dropping her bag and keys on the table, she headed straight to her bedroom and fell on the mattress exhausted.

A few moments later, she took her phone out of her pocket and messaged Laura. Her heart clenches with pain and frustration as she typed the words before pushing the send button.

"It's too late."