The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any GI Joe characters is sheltering in place. We need leadership in these difficult times. Unfortunately, you're not going to find it here.

Cobra Commander Addresses The Crisis

"Greetings world," Cobra Commander was shown on screen. "This is Cobra Commander with a friendly word about the current crisis. The pandemic known as Coronavirus. And some reminders on how you can help."

"More specifically help me not get infected! I'm a mutated snake man in charge of a group of nitwits. I have enough problems."

"Now I know not everyone can constantly wear a mask like I can," Cobra Commander said. "That can purify air of its impurities and diseases. I just had mine upgraded to do that. And I know you can't cover yourselves completely with fabric that resists diseases twenty-four seven."

"In my case it's a necessity. Ever since I started employing the Dreadnoks."

"I've even installed a new scent filter in this baby," Cobra Commander pointed to his helmet. "It helps. Not much. But it does. I've just learned to stand not too close to those morons."

"For the good of my health and that of the planet, I order you to wash your hands and practice social distancing," Cobra Commander added. "Honestly with the company I keep I wish I could distance myself even more. Preferably by sending the Dreadnoks to Mars. But we're low on rocket fuel so what are you going to do?"

"And I also want some of you jerks to stop hoarding!" Cobra Commander pointed. "Especially since you got all the good stuff before Cobra got its hands on it! Now we can't sell supplies like toilet paper at extremely high prices and gouge customers! Thanks a lot!"

"Honestly I'm not even sure that all the Dreadnoks even use toilet paper. Or are toilet trained."

"It's just so selfish of you hoarders to take everything! Now we can't do it! Selfish! Selfish people!"

"I love hoarding things from other people! And selling them at high prices to make a huge profit. But because of all you other hoarders out there I can't! Thanks a lot, jerks! Thank you so much for crushing my dreams!"

"But I digress…In these tough times we must all remember to do our part," Cobra Commander explained. "To stay away from me! Seriously! Stay as far away from me as possible!"

"While we are stuck in our homes, there are things we can do to keep our spirits up," Cobra Commander said. "You can read a new book. Try to learn something new. Watch some TV shows. Like the old GI Joe cartoons. Only this time you can cheer Cobra on. Well it can't hurt!"

"Believe me, I know what it's like to be stuck in one place and not able to get out," Cobra Commander added. "And I am not just talking about all those times I was arrested. You try spending a year stuck in a pyramid during an insane sandstorm season with these morons!"

"Don't ask. Long story. Long, stupid story…The moral is never to ask Torch to help test a sandstorm making machine."

"Normally this would be the part where I would tell you that Cobra has the antidote and try use that as ransom to take over the world," Cobra Commander sighed. "But Destro insisted that we actually had to have a real antidote first and that led to Mindbender and him working on the formula. But we were shorthanded and there was a little mishap and yada, yada, yada…Destro and Mindbender are quarantined."

"Honestly it's a bit of a relief. Destro and the Baroness have been fighting with each other more than pro wrestlers. And Mindbender…Yeah any excuse to stay away from him is a good one."

"I'd also like to point out that Cobra is not responsible for this virus! Got it? We had nothing to do with this catastrophe! I wish I could take credit, but Destro was whining about how lying about it would hurt our credibility. Plus, we already have a million other charges against us for things we've actually done. To be clear. This wasn't us!"

"BLOOOP! BLOOP! BLOOP!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" The Dreadnoks ran by. Chasing them were some large green blobs.

"The Eddie Juniors however are us," Cobra Commander sighed. "We think one or two of them may have gotten out. So, if you see a giant green blob on your street you'll know where it came from."

CRASH! SMASH! CRASH!

"BLOOP! BLOOOP! BLOOOP!"

"GET THAT BLOODY THING AWAY FROM ME!" Torch was heard screaming.

"TORCH NO!" Buzzer was heard. "DON'T SET THE BLOODY THING ON FIRE!"

"WHY NOT?" Torch shouted.

FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

"Because it doesn't work…" Cobra Commander sighed. "In fact, it seems to like being on fire."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" The Dreadnoks ran the other way. This time the Eddie Juniors chased them while being on fire.

"Great, now this lair is going to stink even more!" Cobra Commander groaned.

"FORGET THE SMELL!" The Baroness shouted. "Those stupid things are going to set the base on fire!"

"Hey! I was just trying to get rid of the Eddie Juniors!" Torch shouted.

"Not you!" Cobra Commander shouted. "The other stupid things! The blobs!"

"Actually, I was referring to the Dreadnoks," The Baroness corrected.

"Oh," Cobra Commander paused. "You can see how I got confused right?"

"Oh yeah," The Baroness said. "It's an honest mistake."

"BLOOOP! BLOOP! BLOOP!"

"Technically I wasn't completely wrong either," Cobra Commander remarked.

CRASH! SMASH!

"BLOOP! BLOOP!"

"They're also burning the base!" Buzzer shouted. "What did we do the last time these things got loose?"

"I remember!" Torch gasped.

"Torch actually remembers something?" Cobra Commander was stunned. "Well that's a twist I didn't see coming. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"

He ran off camera. A flaming group of blobs followed him. "SAVE ME! SAVE YOUR COMMANDER!" Cobra Commander was heard screaming. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"

"Don't worry Commander!" Torch was heard. "I'll save you!""

"What are you doing Torch?" Cobra Commander screamed. "What is that hose attached to? Wait? Is that a vat of my good scotch? NO! NO! TORCH! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

Cobra Commander dejectedly walked back on camera. Dripping wet and covered in green goo. Torch walked right behind him, also wet and covered with goo. "See? All you got to do to get rid of giant blobs is to pour alcohol on them! Then they'll just explode!"

"Now you know," Cobra Commander looked at the camera. "And knowing is a good reason to have an ample supply of alcohol."

"To get rid of giant blobs?" Torch asked.

"That too," Cobra Commander sighed.