Summary: Hachiman arrives in the Service Club expecting the usual psychological torment, only to discover… Yukinoshita Yukino being nice? How will he deal with this baffling, but somewhat appealing, predicament?

I intended this as a one-shot, but like everyone else I have a load of time on my hands, so I figured that I might as well extend this into a full-length story. Hope you enjoy the first chapter! :P

Niceness, And Other Mysteries

Chapter One:

Me: … *pssst*

Also Me: Huh? What's that?

Me: … Hachiman…

Also Me: Yes? What is it?

Me: Who would you say the most evil, most despicable person in history is?

I put down my pen and sighed, massaging my temples. Rain drizzled lightly on the window of Class 2F's homeroom, and angry looking grey clouds circled above like witches incanting around a cauldron. Why can I describe the view outside the window in such faux-poetic detail, do you ask? Simple! It's because I have been doing everything in my power to look at anything but the Math paper in front of me- as a result, I've been getting myself better acquainted with this view, which due to many homerooms and Math tests like this one is now probably my closest friend. Not that it has many competitors. Still, with a little more work, view-outside-the-window, you could become the thing I love most in the entire world!

… Just joking, of course. That title will always be held by Komachi, with a medal for close second being awarded to Totsuka-chan. Speaking of which, how is that holy anointed trap doing today?

I glanced over at Totsuka, pretending that it wasn't the twelfth such occasion that I had done so thus far. And to my absolute shock and horror, I discovered that he was indeed doing the exact same thing he'd been doing the previous twelve times. Nonetheless, the feminine but noble pout upon his face, the divine elegance with which he scribbled workings onto his paper, and basically everything about him only made me more certain that Totsuka was indeed the reincarnation of Buddha. Man, what a lucky Math paper!

On the other hand, the fact that on Totsuka's script Math equations were actually being solved only reminded me how little progress I was making on my own. Again, this had happened twelve times now. I then proceeded to use my Hikki Observation skills to check some of my other nearby classmates, and became only more depressed when I saw that the majority of them were at least making the effort. I myself could hardly muster the motivation to think about Math, let alone partake in it.

Then again, it's not like its unusual for me to be unusual, especially compared to the disgusting plethora of normies around me. Such puny minds could not contemplate that by not engaging in Math revision, it is by no means a testament to my lack of ability and further lack of determination to get better, but in fact a glorious rebellion against the evils of numerical-related oppression. Once again, I'll express my full support for the loner revolution! Don't let the flame die out, my miserable comrades!

Me: Oi, shut up and get on with your paper.

Also Me: Huh? I should shut up?! Weren't you the one asking me an essay question on moral evil a couple of seconds earlier-

Me: W- well, that question is still up for debate, but since I'm technically you, then that last monologue is still just procrastination. Try and do some Math.

Also Me: Oh come on, you say that as if I don't have all the mathematical ability of a compost heap-

Me: Just try, goddamn it! … *sigh* I can do my best internal Komachi impression if that will help.

Also Me: *sniffs dramatically* … Okay.

Me: *sighs again* … You can, like, totally do it! This Math paper is no match for my favourite Onii-chan! Gah, that must have earned me a lot of points!

Also Me: … Okay, that was pretty good.

And yet, despite my proficiency at imitating my sister's motivational speeches, I still found myself in the miraculous state of not giving less of a shit. Seriously, this is record-breaking levels of not giving less of a shit. At times like this, I can only imagine how useful it would be to have the drive of a shonen hero like Gon (1); with that level of optimism and perseverance, I could apply myself even to a Math paper with an endearingly scrunched up face, a dramatically balled fist and an inspiring cry of "Let's give it our best, everyone!".

Unfortunately, the presence of my dead fish eyes would certainly lessen the inspirational effect. Everyone would just look at me and say, "Uhh, shut up Hikigerm-kun, that's really cringy bro", and in fairness it's not like they'd be wrong. In other words, I think Gon should be arrested for offences against my self-esteem.

And am I still monologuing instead of doing my paper? Yes. Yes I am.

Thankfully, this procrastination affliction wasn't just ailing Yours Truly. I was accompanied by someone sat a couple of desks across from me who, in spite of the fact that she's a girl (insert gasps of shock and condemnation), has surprisingly ended up being one of my closest associates. Note the use of the word "associate" to describe us in place of another more, ahem, troubling term. This obscenely friendly, pink-hair-dyed entity is none other than Yuigahama Yui, and despite the fact that we've been attending the Service Club together for ages now, I still can't get over how social contact with the opposite sex is no longer a bi-yearly occurrence for me. Genuinely: before the Service Club, I'd convinced myself that women were actually semi-mythical creatures invented by the government to keep lonely men in line.

But evidently, Yuigahama Yui was by no means mythical. Although the astonishing size of, uh, certain parts of her anatomy might've been worthy of that description in a very different sense. Forget Math, I think the real problem I need to solve is how on earth those aren't implants.

Me: Wow. Just wow. Do you seriously have no shame?

Also Me: Well, if my subconscious is lecturing me about misogynist comments, that would suggest I do-

Me: That poor soul is one of your closest friends-

Also Me: ASSOCIATES-

Me: -and as such, she should be treated with more respect, gender be damned! In fact, take her gender into more consideration and be nicer to her in general, you pathetic excuse for a gentleman.

As if to emphasise this point, Yuigahama Yui then turned her head slightly, chewing her pencil with a profound confusion that in regards to this test I related to deeply. Our eyes met and Yuigahama's widened, giving me a short but beaming smile, before returning to her work. I reddened unintentionally, and for the first time found myself focusing on the actual paper, if only to escape from the embarrassment.

Curse this wretched female. A plague on your house for making my heart flutter so!

Pushing a scenario involving my fellow pink-haired Service Club member and Adolescence Syndrome (2) out of my mind, I decided that it would probably be a good time to dig into the Hikki-memory banks and see if there was anything Math related, literally anything, that I could use for the test. After exhausting these reserves with the next two questions, some alarming images of my family staring down at another scraped pass in the subject emerged, to which I would quickly remind them of my successes in Japanese before escaping to the safety of my room. Until the next test, at least.

Also Me: Hey, brain, help me out here! I don't wanna think about shit like that.

Me: Help you out? How? I've already tried distracting you and motivating you. Next you'll be asking me to hold you at gunpoint-

Also Me: Don't be ridiculous. Just… uh…

Me: *smirks smugly* Not so easy, is it-

Also Me: Just, uh, just ask me that question from earlier! That'll keep me going till this suffering is at an end.

Me: Well, if you insist…

As tends to happen in my many conversations with myself, everything I said ended up being correct! Score for Hachi-boy! The essay question that I set on identifying the most evil person in history kept me occupied for the duration of the test, and continued to keep me occupied for the rest of the day. At this point, the final lesson (with Hiratsuka-sensei this time) had drawn to a close, and all of us were packing up our schoolbags to head off home, or to whichever club we attended. My daily routine was so fixed in my head by now that it was basically muscle memory, so as I scuttled out of the classroom my mind was elsewhere, contemplating the question even as I neared the Service Club room. Oh, and I left Yuigahama behind, despite my promises to be nicer to her earlier. I still haven't forgotten that she made me… yuck… feel things earlier. What a disgrace.

Well, when I say that it kept me occupied for the entirety of the day, I'm exaggerating somewhat. What I've really been contemplating are the details of the essay, ie how I would prove my hypothetical assertion, in what ways this person's evil manifested itself, etc etc. The answer to who the most evil, most despicable person in history is well known and very obvious. In fact, it's so mind-bendingly obvious that I shouldn't even need to spell it out. Nonetheless, I will do so now by means of a longwinded description. Why, do you ask? For comedic effect, duh. Don't question me.

This person, this overwhelmingly evil being, is of average height and has black hair. They belong to a nation that was involved in the Axis Powers, and they are prone to long tirades of hate speech directed at people whom they view as inferior to themselves. In fact, their superiority complex is so great that people on the receiving end of this hate speech often get the impression that this person wants them dead. Overall, they are disgustingly abusive, capable of appalling verbal cruelty and, in my opinion, more than worthy of the title of the most evil person in history.

I am, of course, talking about the Service Club's very own Yukinoshita Yukino. What? You thought I was talking about someone else? Anyone else I may have implicated in that description was a mistake, I promise.

Anyway, from the very first moment I stepped into the clubroom at Hiratsuka-sensei's behest, I was confronted with a kinda of sadistic barbarism that you will only encounter once in a lifetime. What make this worse, however, is Yukinoshita Yukino's disguise; she parades around in the skin of an irrationally beautiful, intelligent, perfect high school girl, and while all those things may be true, emphasis on the may, she's also really rude to me bro! How am I supposed to take this kind've sustained criticism? I mean, let me give you a good example of an interaction with this paragon of evil. This one took place yesterday.

'Yo, is it okay if I go home early today? I have a shit tonne of work to do.'

'Hah! Hikiworm-kun doing something productive? I find this very improbable. Surely the work in question is merely leching after your sister?'

'… Shut up.'

Here, in Case A, I present an unwarranted display of aggression with intent to possible violence that I, as the victim, can only describe as moral evil. Yukinoshita Yukino does not even try to answer my request properly- she only exploits it as an opportunity for abuse. Then, afterwards, her and Yuigahama just chuckled and carried on with the club session! That's right Yuigahama, you're complicit in this, bitch.

Still don't believe that Yukinoshita Yukino is the most evil person in history? I haven't even scratched the surface yet! Behold, another interaction I had with her, two days ago this time.

'He, he…'

'Why do you insist on laughing like that at a book? You sound like a middle aged man victimising a schoolgirl on a metro.'

'H- hey, it was funny, okay!'

'Oh, so you find public molestation funny, do you Hikigaya-kun? Why am I not surprised-'

'-I meant the book, goddamn it-'

'-furthermore, I suspect that light novel series will only affirm my suspicions. No doubt it's filled with scenes of sexual depravity that you would find gratifying enough to laugh like that.'

… Okay, so maybe Goblin Slayer wasn't the best reading choice for that moment (3). But still, all of this is completely unfair, right?! I'm not evil, you terrifying Ice Queen! You are!

So, just so I'm sure you've got the message, Case B can be seen as both an instance of the aforementioned evil and of wrongful slander. I have no need to provide you a Case C, although believe me, I have no lack of damning evidence. I could easily provide you with a Case D, E, all the way to fucking Z. Such is the frequency of Yukinoshita Yukino's oppressive verbal attacks that I am instead relying on herself to provide the evidence for me. That's right. This next Service Club session will be simultaneously an experiment and a prosecution. First of all, we will observe and count how many times Yukinoshita Yukino is rude to me, because morbid curiosity, I guess. Second of all, I will use the no doubt innumerable moments of abuse coming to prove, beyond all doubt, that Yukinoshita Yukino is wholeheartedly evil.

I henceforth call this experimental report the Loner Manifesto, written by Hikigaya Hachiman, the Karl Marx of loners. It will be a watershed moment in the resistance of loners against beautiful women. Just think! As a result of my work, my kind will be able to defend themselves for evermore, like this:

Beautiful Woman: Ha ha, you really are a loser, aren't you! I bet you cry yourself to sleep at night over how much of a loser you are.

Loner: You fool! Thanks to the work of Hikigaya Hachiman's Loner Manifesto, those kind of comments are now a condemnable offence according to Article 68 of the Geneva Convention!

Beautiful Woman: A- ah, I'm sorry! I'll never abuse a loner ever again! *runs away crying*

Well, it may not go exactly like that, but you can't deny exposing Yukinoshita Yukino as another proponent of the evils of youth can't be a bad thing. In fact, I'm pretty sure I'll be considered for the Noble Peace Prize because of this.

Heh. Exposing Yukinoshita Yukino. If we're being honest, I'd do it in both sens- concentrate, Hachiman-marx. You've got work to do.

At this point, I was now stood outside the Service Club room, having effectively monologued away the walk over from class. I'd also started preparing to put my scheme into full effect. These preparations were mostly of the mental kind; you see, just getting through a conversation with Yukinoshita Yukino saps up an awful lot of Loner Defence Points, so I have to be very careful and systematic before I go anywhere near her vicinity. Sometimes I even insult myself a bit, just to get into the rhythm of things, y'know. Hikki, you no good perverted neanderthal resembling creep! That sort've thing.

Lifting up my proverbial medieval shield, I slid the door aside and shuffled into the Service Club room with my usual boundless enthusiasm. Yukinoshita Yukino, unsurprisingly, was sat in her chair on the opposite side of the table to mine, her fingers curled around a book that lost its right to her attention when I entered. Our eyes met briefly, which wasn't different to the norm, and I looked away first, which again wasn't different to the norm. Huh. Is it weird that I almost felt like I should jeer at Yukinoshita's book for stealing the club president's gaze? That's the weird thing with rich, attractive people; they think so highly of themselves that peasants can't help but feel a little flattered when they catch such a person's eye, however momentarily, even for something bad or embarrassing.

I, of course, was nowhere near as foolhardy as this, and knew with absolute clarity that as soon as I said my customary greeting I would be insulted for its… well, let's see what scathing adjective she comes up with this time. In just a moment, my hypothesis about Yukinoshita Yukino being worse than Hitler will be made fact!

'Yo,' I said confidently, awaiting the insult with bated breath (huh, that sounds kinda masochistic…).

'Good afternoon, Hikigaya-kun,' she chuckled warmly. 'May I say what a pleasure it is to have your company.'

Ha ha! I win! You will torment me no longer, deplorable Ice Queen! With this evidence, I shall now write the Loner Manifesto, publish its groundbreaking findings and use it against you for-

… Huh?

I looked at Yukinoshita Yukino with intense confusion, having been stopped in my tracks half-way to my seat. For someone well-renowned for being the goddess of all things cold and unfeeling, her expression was pretty friendly right now. And if my eyes don't deceive me, that right there is definitely a smile.

Shit. I must have caught her in a very good mood. She's probably just on a kawaii-high from thinking too much about Pan-chan the Panda. Still, there is no reason for me to fret. Full steam ahead! Once I've dispelled her current cheer purely by means of existing, she's bound to find several reasons to insult me.

I sat down with a slight smirk on my face. 'The pleasure of my company? Now that's a weird thing to hear from you. Say that in the wrong place and people will think that you have feelings for me.'

That right there is a knockout blow. The Service Club president I know would be so sickened by the prospect of having feelings for me that she'd probably refuse to talk to me for the rest of the hour, just on principle.

She chuckled again. 'You're right; I suppose I must be more careful with my words. Regardless, I'm certain that girls would be more likely to develop feelings for you than you realise.'

Ahhh, I see. She's going for the sarcastic approach. A very subtle sarcastic approach. So subtle that I, Hikigaya Hachiman, who has an insult-radar so powerful it might as well be a seismic monitor, is struggling to see through it. If anything, this is just more cruel.

My head turned in disgust. 'Really? What have I ever done to you? I think, Miss Yukinoshita-san, that comments like that might even be considered evil-'

'Evil?' She tilted her head, allowing her long raven hair to dance around her shoulders gracefully. Her ice blue eyes, suddenly melted, seemed to glisten like a calm ocean on a summer day. 'I'm offended, Hikigaya-kun. I thought that was rather complementary.'

… Uhh… Okay, this is getting kinda frightening now. And realistically, when I say kinda frightening, I mean that I feel like I've been dropped into a Junji Ito manga (4). Either this is just a new technique of torture that Yukinoshita Yukino has learnt or she's just suddenly decided to be nice, and since that is clearly a scientific impossibility, it must be the former. Everyone knows that "Yukinoshita Yukino can't be nice" was Newton's most important law of relativity.

'Well… yeah, but… uh… Well, if you meant it is a compliment, t- then say why you think girls could develop feelings for me! Y- yeah.'

I crossed my arms, feeling a little more at ease. This approach, undoubtedly, would catch her out. She won't be able to hold back that icy tongue of hers: there is a huge difference between handing out vague compliments and going into detail-

'Hmm… There are numerous reasons why you might be appealing to a girl. I can't attest for all of my sex, especially those at this school, but as you have always insisted, your looks aren't entirely disagreeable. With a little work, perhaps even handsome. Your eyes might be somewhat striking, but once a person grows accustomed to them they are also somewhat endearing. And then there is your personality- while you are clearly slow to trust, and even slower to open yourself up… you are calming, considerate and a better friend than you would ever admit.'

She then fixed me with the kind of charming smile that models would try and struggle to match in effect. 'How about it, Hikigaya-kun? I think that's a fair summation of your good qualities.'

…

… W- what? What is this… this disgustingly warm feeling in my chest?! Why is my face so damn red?! This is illegal. It should be illegal for a woman to make a man feel like this. If I didn't know the Yukinoshita Yukino before this… this imposter took over her mind, I'd be shooting up to cloud nine, then past cloud nine and into the fucking stratosphere from all those compliments. Why have you decided to do your best impression of a modern Yamato Nadeshiko? And why is it so bloody good?!

It was at this moment, when all my faith in life, the universe and everything had basically been shattered beyond repair, that Yuigahama Yui decided to make her entrance into the clubroom. She saw me and immediately pouted, raising her fist in a way that the Hachiman of a couple of minutes ago would have called cute.

'Hikki! Bad, meanie Hikki! You left me behind in the classroom agai...'

She paused at the end of her sentence, no doubt sensing from the disturbing blend of flattered red and nauseous green on my face that something wasn't quite right. This was only affirmed with devastating effect when Yukinoshita Yukino made her voice heard again.

'Good afternoon, Yuigahama-san. Although, might I add there's a possibility you're being a little harsh on our Hikigaya-kun when he leaves class without you? As someone very outside of your social group, he probably assumes, in his own way, that he's doing you a favour worthy of a friend.'

Surprised, Yuigahama blushed a little, and visibly retreated into herself. 'Oh, ah- well, yeah Yukinon! I know that Hikki doesn't mean anything by it, and when you say it like that I, y'know, think its really sweet that he'd think about me like that...' She blinked at me shyly, and then looked away. '... But you don't have to worry about waiting. I don't mind.'

While all this was being said, I became completely and utterly convinced that I was hallucinating. It's the only viable explanation. Komachi must have slipped some kind of hallucinogenic into my morning pancakes, and now here I am, experiencing a sexual fantasy where Yukinoshita and Yuigahama start treating me like a harem lord. This is absolutely too much information, but it was only arousing imagining this kind of stuff in the safety of my bedroom. In real life, the only thing being aroused is my fight-or-flight response.

'... Okay,' I rasped weekly, trying to keep the shock, and the hint of something else entirely, out of my voice. Fine, I lied. It was a little bit arousing. But only a little! Mostly I just wanted to scream and run away.

Both of them smiled at me again (what's with the fucking smiling?!), and then Yuigahama bounded over to her seat and sat down, a new found happiness in her expression that was only a little stronger than the Service Club president's.

'I'm right in saying that tea wouldn't go amiss...?'

'Pretty please, Yukinon!'

'Uh... yeah.'

The Yuki-imposter nodded elegantly, standing up and beginning the preparations for the daily tea. The other girl beside me started humming happily. Apparently, I was only the one here concerned that the world itself was falling apart at the seams. I quickly pinched myself under the table, hoping it would ratify my hallucination theory and summon me back to reality.

Alas. It did not.

This is real.

Yukinoshita Yukino being nice to me. Yuigahama Yui going along with it. This is god-damn fucking real.

Okay. Channelling my inner Gregory House, I've decided to diagnose both of these two with full-blown clinical insanity (5). In fact... no. This goes far beyond Yukinoshita Yukino and Yuigahama Yui. Something very important must have been disturbed, something in the very fabric of the space time continuum, for something like this to have happened. I think a more appropriate course of action would be to find the nearest air-raid shelter; Yukinoshita not being a bitch is very probably the first harbinger of the apocalypse.

I mean, what will happen next? Will Yuigahama come in tomorrow wearing a leather jacket and shades, announcing that she's joined a biker gang? Will Totsuka come in tomorrow and announce he's actually female (although on second thought that would be a good thing, get on that romantic comedy gods). Or maybe something truly insane will happen- maybe people will stop calling me Hikitani-kun and actually get my name right! The possibilities make me shudder.

The three of us continued like this (Yukinoshita making tea, Yuigahama humming away, me having a borderline panic attack) for the next three minutes, before the tea was made and she brought our mugs over for the pouring. This has become something of a ritual for us, and I definitely needed rituals, routine, regularity, in these trying times. I shifted my body around, but was taken back when Yukinoshita put down a real mug instead of a disposable cup.

'I hope you don't mind, but I thought it would be appropriate that the third member of the Service Club be recognised as such,' Yukinoshita said, her voice like silk.

'Yeah, Yukinon! That's a great idea!'

I didn't know what to say. At this point, it felt like my mouth had followed the trend set by my eyes and started imitating a fish, what with all this gawking. Reaching forward, I turned the mug round to look at what was on it, and was stunned to see the dopey eyes of Pan-chan the Panda staring back at me.

Yukinoshita fiddled with her fingers a little. 'I- it may not have been the most masculine choice. I- I could change it if you would like-'

'No, this is fine. Thanks.'

She smiled (this is getting out of hand...), and then bent down slightly, pouring the tea in a way that for some reason seemed way more erotic than usual. Then again, I probably share the blame in that, as I exerted nowhere near enough effort in stopping my eyes from, uh... I suppose the phrase would be straying downwards. No, bad blood supply! Don't go there! Anywhere but there!

Truly, if that rush of blood had reached the organ in question, then things would have got dangerously close to the opening of the bedroom fantasy that I mentioned earlier. I may be a humble man, and therefore subject to all the trappings wielded by beautiful women, but I was also a monster of logic. These two had established themselves as largely malevolent beings in my life thus far, particularly Yukinoshita, so I knew full well that my guard had to stay up.

My second theory, after all, was this: Yukinoshita and Yuigahama are using some Kaguya-sama level shit to manipulate me into confessing to them (6). In other words, this is all a ploy to deceive me into outing some half-baked feelings, either to one of them or both at the same time if I was foolish enough, and then using that as adequate cause to accuse me of sexual deviance and thus expel me from the Service Club. I have to admit, it was a good scheme. I can quite clearly imagine myself, begging them to give me another chance on hands and knees, only to hear Yukinoshita intone drily, 'How cute...'.

Well, I'd like you to know that you have underestimated my power, wicked females! Hachiman-marx always has a trick up his sleeve! Since it is impossible that any of these shows of kindness could be genuine in any shape or form, it is only fair that I rise to the challenge and unmask you as the liars you are. Rest assured, though it may not be this Service Club meeting, or the next, I will force you to show your true colours and start calling me 'Hikigerma-kun' and 'Hikkipervert-kun' again. It's only a matter of time. Wait, where have I heard that before? (7)

If love is war, then this is just the beginning...

Or maybe should I count my blessings and just accept this as an arbitrary show of kindness from friends?

... Nah. Love is war sounds like a lot more fun.

(1) The protagonist of Hunter x Hunter.

(2) The condition in Rascal Does Not Dream of Bunny Girl Senpai.

(3) A reference to the notoriety of the Goblin Slayer series.

(4) A horror mangaka.

(5) The lead character in House M.D. This may not be a Japan-related reference, but the recent House/Oregairu crossover made me do it, I swear.

(6) Kaguya-sama: Love Is War. The 'how cute' line is an on-going punchline in the series.

(7) The most reviewed fic in the fandom.