Chapter Six: ... or an Office

Neil stands stunned as Audrey Lim finishes explaining that someone has accused him of favoritism. Towards Claire.

He wonders if it's one of the other residents, maybe Park after he'd sided with Claire about their patient and her young daughter today. Usually pretty level-headed, Park had clearly been annoyed when Claire's more empathic perspective on the situation had swayed him. Or maybe it's Andrews trying to stir up trouble, although he seemed to be feuding with Lim these days in nitpicking her performance as chief of surgery.

Not that it matters. Audrey is not pleased, probably for a host of reasons.

He's confident there's nothing to the complaint. He and Claire run together in public a few times a week. Besides that, their professional interactions haven't changed much. They still joke and chat about silly things while waiting for scans or walk out together occasionally at the end of the day, usually touching base about a case. Ever since he'd found her in that stairwell, he's kept an eye on her for any signs of depression or anxiety and asked on occasion how therapy is going. There'd been one intense moment after losing their young patient and hospital prom queen, Angie, when he'd confronted Claire about bottling up her emotions. Other than that, though, she's been dealing reasonably well, 'trying to fix herself' as she's complained. The running has been helping, he's glad to see, and he's relieved at how open she's been to talking through her feelings with him. They're even on a mutual first name basis now outside of work, which he thinks is nice.

Maybe that's it. Did someone overhear them being so familiar?

Reasoning in circles isn't going to help things now, he thought to himself. Probably the smart way to deal with Audrey is to accept the situation and vow to rectify it directly. Based on how she's carrying herself, she's trying to remain neutral and productive, but he can tell she's annoyed.

Yet as the seconds tick by and her accusation sinks in, Neil isn't thinking about the smart thing, but rather his own irritation.

"I don't know what to say," he finally responds. "I'm being a good mentor. Are you telling me I'm not supposed to do that now?"

"That's not what I'm saying. But I have to ask, are you being a good mentor to all of your residents or just Claire? You said there isn't anything improper going on, but obviously you do know that there's some behavior that that needs an explanation."

"No, it doesn't. It's just an occasional run around the hospital grounds. And, of course, I'm being a good mentor to all of them. I've had to listen to way more details about Murphy's love life than anyone – especially HR – would tolerate. I spent a week helping Morgan get her research paper formatted for publication last month and took Park to the AMA regional meeting with me so he could network. I've had to learn to work well with Claire in the last three years, so I'm not buying that I play favorites." Lim seems to relax somewhat at hearing his counterargument. "If anything, you put a target on her back by giving her the first lead surgery. Now everyone knows she's the front-runner for chief resident."

"Not necessarily. She earned that spot, and she'll have to keep it," Lim defends.

"Which makes it even more likely that someone is looking to disrupt that. She's gifted. You know she is. And if 'she' were a 'he,' we wouldn't be having this discussion," Neil accuses.

Audrey crosses her arms, not appreciating this particular line of argument. "Wouldn't we, Neil? You're still spending time with one of your residents outside of work to the exclusion of the others. Are you planning to ride the bus home with Dr. Murphy a few days a week or hit the batting cages with Dr. Park?"

"So now you want me to run an extracurricular program for all my residents just so I can do a completely innocent and normal activity with one of them?"

Lim stares at him, recognizing how agitated he's become from her interrogation. Dropping her arms, she leans against the back of one of his chairs hoping to de-escalate the situation.

"I'm saying you need to make sure you're covering your bases," she finally admits.

Neil takes a silent but deep cleansing breath to calm himself down. He knows Audrey is trying to find a reasonable solution so maybe he can meet her halfway.

"You of all people know how rocky my professional relationship with Claire has been in the past. I think we've earned this rapport. And the benefit of the doubt."

"I remember you being royally pissed and also upset to kick her off your service." She smirks at him, likely remembering the awkwardness she'd witnessed between him and Claire around that time. Gauging his tense reaction over the memory as well, she turns serious. "And yes, you were pissed about her challenging your authority, but it was also personal. You hated letting her go and mourned that relationship even though you were angry. I get it, and I'm on your side. That's why I need to make sure everyone involved is protected here."

Neil's piercing eyes hold Audrey's, full of frustration and several emotions he can't quite decipher at the moment. Audrey doesn't back down. If anything, she seems calmer than when she'd arrived. Relenting, Neil attempts to unclench his body as he wanders back behind his desk and sits. Audrey follows suit, taking a proper seat in front of him.

"Okay. Let's figure this out. Can we talk confidentially? She said I could share this with you if I needed to," he says, turning gravely serious.

"Of course," Lim replies.

"My interest is more than just skills-building. But it's not what you or anyone might be thinking." Lim doesn't give anything away in her expression upon hearing his admission. "Audrey, she was drowning. I knew something was off with her these past few months, but I was dealing with my own stuff and left it for her peers to handle. I should have known it had to be bad if Morgan was covering for her." They both crack a smile, amused by the ongoing rivalry between the two surgeons. "But Claire's irritability persisted. Then it got worse."

He leans back, tense and sad. "The day of her first lead surgery, you saw how wound up she was, how complicated it ended up being with the patient's mom."

Lim nods. "She told me how nervous she was. I scolded her a bit about sharing that with her boss. But I understood, and I appreciated that she trusted me enough to confide in me."

"I didn't know that," he says, a soft smile warming his face. He turns away for a moment, missing Lim's frown at his reaction. "I'm glad. I'm sure it helped. And she did great. She was steady the whole time, excelling through the nerves. I was really proud of her. I wish I had told her then," he adds sadly.

"This is the part I'd like to keep between us. She hasn't told many people. I think she will but she's still working through things, and it's been hard. She told me later, months later, that her mother had been staying with her at the time. Claire drug tested her every two days, insisted she stay on her meds and see her therapist. They'd even gone to her mom's therapist together and worked through some things. After Claire's surgery, her mom left her a voicemail telling her how proud she was. She'd made Claire dinner to celebrate and had gone out to get dessert."

"I don't think I like where this is going. I've only heard a few of the off-hand comments, but I know Claire didn't have much in the way of a happy childhood."

"It's one of the first personal details about her life I learned. We'd been up late trying to find a solution for the Kunkler twins' surgery." Lim nods, remembering that difficult loss for him. "I was preoccupied over my problems with Jess, and Claire tried to get me to understand Jess's point of view – that some women are lucky to realize they don't want kids before they have them. Luckier than her mom. She'd tried to downplay it, but I could tell I'd struck a nerve. And yet she still convinced me that loving someone like I loved Jess could be enough." Lim raises an eyebrow at that. "Okay, maybe she wasn't right about that, but I appreciated the kindness." They both chuckle. It seems like ancient history at this point.

"Anyway, as Claire is leaving the hospital after the surgery and listening to that voicemail, she gets a call from her mom. Except it's the police calling from her mom's cell phone. She'd just been killed. DUI." Lim's taken aback, still surprised even though she'd prepared herself for something awful. "It gets worse. When Claire got to the scene, she found an empty bottle of champagne in the car. Claire had hidden it to have after her surgery. The one bottle of alcohol she hadn't thrown out that morning. Her mom found it and must have been drinking when she went out."

"Damn," Lim says. "That's…" She shakes her head, searching for the right words. "That's terrible. I had no idea."

Neil nods, understanding that frustration. "It shook her, Audrey. Her sadness and her anger at her mother spun her out of control. But worse, she blamed herself. Blamed her compassion and her hope for something good between them. She couldn't process it. Couldn't mourn. And she didn't really have anyone to talk to about it or anyone insisting she see a therapist. She'd recently lost one of her closest friends to cancer and after the mom's death, she pushed everyone else out of her life."

"Didn't you treat her friend last year? Back when the two of you were still squabbling."

He nods, though frowns at her characterization of it. "I'd heard when she passed away, but Claire had prepared herself for it. This was something completely different. Her grief had nowhere to go except inward." Neil sighed and leaned forward, folding his hands tightly on the desk. His voice dropping as if shielding their conversation from imaginary people in the room. "I don't know the full extent of things and I'm not going to gossip about it, but from what I gathered, she was drinking too much, spending too much time … out."

There's no way he'll shame Claire for sleeping around. People did a lot of unhealthy things when they were hurting, and her way of coping didn't deserve any more judgement than anything else. Her frankness about it with him had been difficult for her, the vulnerability and embarrassment almost making it too intimate and raw for her to share. And Audrey didn't need to know every detail.

Not wanting to invite any further questions on that, Neil continued. "Morgan at first tried to help her, and I think it kept Claire from spinning completely out of control. Shaun was wrapped up in his own issues, but Park finally said something as well." He sighed. "And then she broke."

Audrey waits for Neil to say more, not rushing, but curious. But he can't, not yet. All he can think about are the echoes of her sobs, the tremor he could feel against his hand as he gripped her shoulder. The dampness against his chest as she cried and cried against him.

"What happened," Audrey urges.

Neil taps a finger against the desk, trying to push down his emotions of that day to answer – the despair and guilt and helplessness he still felt. "She'd gotten into it with a patient's wife. I found her in the stairwell sobbing. I'd never seen her like that. Defeated and so, just, miserable. I sat with her for a long time while she cried. She told me some of what was going on and it was a first step."

"That I heard about. When that patient's wife complained, I had to deal with the situation. I assumed Claire got in between their messiness unwittingly. Claire wasn't forthcoming on any of the details besides having hooked up with the guy the night before."

"It was an awful situation," he agrees. "But she finally decides to see a therapist after that. Then being wrong about the drug mule patient? When that young girl died, the one she organized the prom for? It had her questioning herself again. I couldn't watch that and do nothing. She's so talented. You find a lot of smart people in this program and you can teach a lot of things. But what she has, what she can do for patients is rare and special. So, yes, I want her to do well. But she's also a colleague who I saw struggling and who I thought I could help. So we started running together, and she talks to me about the things I'm telling you. And I really believe it helps." He pauses. "And maybe it helps me too. We mostly talk about what's going on with her life and stuff. I don't really talk about us. But I think I needed a friend, too, to help me mourn a few things of my own."

Again, they sat in silence, both thinking about their former relationship and then their colleague's situation and how sad it all was.

Finally, Lim leans back, almost sagging in her chair. "I get it. I know you, Neil, and I know her too. I don't think anything inappropriate is going on. And she has been doing well lately. I can also see how someone else on the team might interpret your professional relationship as favoritism. Just be careful."

"I suppose," he starts, sighing and leaning back himself. "I suppose I can reassure my team and be a little more self-aware." Conceding the point, he offers, "I'll be more careful."

Lim tilts her head, narrowing her eyes to scrutinize his response and settling on being not entirely satisfied. "Neil, when I say 'be careful,' I don't just mean with the other residents or doctors here. Be careful with yourself."

Confused, Neil straightens in his chair. "I thought you said you understood?" His irritation flares up once more. "We're just friends and colleagues, Audrey."

"Yes, I believe you are. And that's how it starts. You'll be friends until you aren't."

Neil scoffs. "Like I said before, you wouldn't be questioning this if she were a guy. There wouldn't be rumors and no one would blink at the time we spend together outside of work. Would it be better if we were playing golf or going to a baseball game? It should matter that I'm a good mentor to her. Sexual attraction isn't in the equation. I'm her boss for god's sake."

"I'm your boss too, and sexual attraction was definitely part of our equation," Lim jokes, grinning wolfishly.

"It's not the same and you know it," Neil says, still annoyed but also amused at her humor. "We're not making out in cars or hooking up in an on-call room. She's a grown woman and colleague, not some naive school girl. And I'm not Coyle. We've worked mostly just fine for three years, and almost all of our contact outside of the hospital is our runs."

"Regular runs where you share details about your lives and joke together and are otherwise building an intimacy that could get you into trouble. And Neil, I know I don't have to tell you that she's beautiful and brilliant and kind. And so are you. She's gone through something terribly traumatic, and you've been there for her." Neil looks away, lips pursed and shoulders tense. "I'm glad you were there for her," Lim amends. "But she's your protégé precisely because you get along so well. You challenge each other and support each other and with this added depth to your relationship, it's natural for things to grow from that. I'm just saying to make sure that friendship is where it stays." The last she delivers rather sternly and then stands, ignoring his deepening glare.

"I don't have those kinds of feelings for her, Audrey. And I don't favor her." He looks up to meet her skeptical gaze and relents just a bit "But, I'll keep that in mind."

"See that you do. I'm not saying it to be a jerk. It's not some jealousy thing. It's because I'm your boss. And I'm your friend. And I'm trying to help. Figure it out because I expect this to just blow over. I don't want things to get any more dramatic than they already have been." She heads toward his door, satisfied that she's said her peace. "Talk to them in the morning and fix this."

"Will do," Neil calls out from his desk. A slight smile pulls at the corner of his mouth. "Thanks, Boss."

"Watch it," she responds, but smirks back and leaves his office.

Neil absently picks up his pen and twirls it in his hand. He knows Audrey means well, but it feels unfair. He's been trying to do a good thing, and the rumor mill is driving a Mac truck right through all his good intentions. The idea that he and Claire are being inappropriate is preposterous. Yet, the little cocoon he and Claire have been running and laughing and sharing in has finally been invaded by reality.

Assuring the team that he doesn't have favorites is one thing, but what is he going to do about talking through this with Claire? The fact that they've been able to start this friendship is something he values after everything they've been through. He can't be another person to abandon her. He'll have to make her understand that.

Maybe he'd have to take a line from Audrey's book. 'There's something awkward we need to talk about.'

The buzz next to him signals a new text coming in and his immediate response is to smile at seeing Claire's name flash across the screen.

Mom & Marla resting. Park logging charts. I'm on rounds.

Neil texts back a quick "Thx"

Marla told me to send you this.

He waits for the next message and sees a picture of a big stuffed bunny rabbit, with Claire hiding not very inconspicuously behind it, one eye visible over its ears. He laughs and taps on the picture to enlarge it. He catches the genuine gleam of happiness in her one visible eye and the wide grin as she looks at the little girl and her mom, likely the one taking the picture. It warms him to see her so happy and enjoying her patients. God, she's going to be a great mom, he thinks to himself, filled with joy at the idea. To respond, he pulls up his emoji screen and lets his finger hover over the smiley with the hearts. It's the perfectly captures how he feels seeing that picture of her.

But then he hesitates. What would someone think if they saw this? What would Lim think? He scrolls down and sends a neutral thumbs up and then tosses his phone across his desk.

He can't deny that spending time with her is one of the few highlights to his lonely days. Being there for her is starting to matter a lot to him. Neil thinks the whole thing is ridiculous, but if someone is already making waves, then that is going to complicate both his life and Claire's. And Claire is too talented to be hindered by rumors and speculation. He's not happy about any of this, but Lim's points are well-taken.

Giving up on her isn't an option. But maybe things do need to change.

Author's Note: Thanks all for reading. I'm working on a few different stories right now, two of them multi-chapter ones. I don't like to start posting until I've completed a decent draft of the whole story so those will take a little bit of the meantime, I hope to keep doing a few one-offs to mix things up. My day job involves a lot of policy writing and my work is somewhat related to the pandemic going on. So preventing screen-time fatigue slows me down too. But I can't wait to share some of the lovely scenes I've been writing.

Wishing everyone wellness!