Firelord Zuko arrived at the Jasmine Dragon feeling great trepidation. He had arranged to meet with Toph Beifong about a matter of national security.

There were rumors of terrorist plotting against the Fire Nation. However, Firelord Zuko was less afraid at that moment of terrorists than of reaction he might receive from Toph when he told her about the mission.

"Hey Sparky!" said Toph, as she sat down across from him with her knees spread and her elbows on the table. "How's it hanging?"

"It's, um…hanging…good…" said Zuko. He tried to adopt a serious, professional tone. He couldn't help but notice the flippant manner in which Toph was scraping the edge of her teacup with her tiny spoon.

"Listen, Toph. This is an urgent matter. I know you have been developing your task force to fight criminal activity throughout the four nations. Well, um, according to my latest intel we have reason to believe there might be an attack in the works against the Fire Nation."

"Really, which dunderheads are after you this time?" said Toph. "Who do you need me to wipe the floor with? Bounty hunting assassins?! Bloodbending Pirates?! Those New Ozai Sissies?!"

"Um, not exactly." Zuko found the airflow constricting in his chest. He was certain Toph was going to kill him, bury him six feet deep, and then mark his grave with a boulder the size of a koalabear when he finally spoke.

"Have you ever heard of the Miss Ember Island Beauty Pageant? It's a big national event in the Fire Nation. According to our reports, we have reason to believe terrorists who call themselves the Loagai Loyalists might try to target it this year. We need someone to go undercover. And it has to be- um- a girl. A girl with a certain, you know, body type..."

Toph sputtered, spitting out tea.

Zuko felt the earth trembling beneath him as Toph glared at him. "No, Sparky…no way in hell… Sparky, do not look at me like that!"

"You don't know how I'm looking at you."

"I so know how you are looking at me!" Toph banged her fists on the table. The teacups rattled as her fists landed. "There is no way you would catch me dead in some stupid beauty pageant! What are the girls even judged on any way- how well they can twirl around on high heels? Whether their lipstick matches their hair-stick thingies?"

"Don't ask me. I don't watch those things!" said Zuko defensively. "All I know is there is a credible threat and the audience for the show is really big in the Fire Nation. Isn't your task force supposed to be able to handle that kind of thing? Are you really…turtleducking out?"

The metalbender was too shrewd for taunts like that to work on her. "No. No way. Get someone else to do it!"

"There is no one else!" Zuko held back the flames calling themselves to his hands. "The Loagai Loyalists are earth benders and fire benders who've joined forces to produce long-range explosive devices. The only bender who could denotate their attacks would have to be a metalbender. And we'd need someone close enough to the stage to defend the other contestants."

"Are you sure you're not just making this up because you've been frustrated since you and Mai broke up and you want to spend some time oogling girls prancing around in their underthings?!"

"I have a nation to run! Why would I care about the Ember Island Beauty Pageant?!" said Zuko.

Suddenly, Zuko's uncle Iroh emerged from behind the teashop counter. Iroh had his hands clasped over his heart and a moonstruck look in his eyes.

"Did I hear you two talking about the Miss Ember Island Beauty Pageant?!" said Iroh.

"Yeah," said Toph. "I was just telling Zuko that he was crazy to think I would be part of some stupid beauty pageant."

"Toph Beifong!" admonished Iroh. "How dare you! Did you not know that before I was a general, I coached several of my cousins to victory in the Miss Ember Island Pageant?"

Iroh wiped away a nostalgic tear. "Winning those crowns required more valor and determination than many a campaign of battle! The Miss Ember Island Pageant is a venerable Fire Nation tradition, one you should be honored to participate in!"

"Oh for fuck's sake, Iroh! It's a bunch of floozies strutting around in bikinis!"

"It is the ultimate test of grace, talent, and beauty! Only the most magnificent lotus flower can blossom under the bright sun of the Ember Island Pageant!"

Iroh shot his nephew a warning glance as he saw Zuko starting to smirk.

"Well, fine, I guess since you pansies need me to come to your rescue again, I might be willing to help."

Zuko chuckled slightly behind his hand.

"Don't you dare, dare, laugh, Sparky!"

"I wouldn't dream of it, Toph."

"Good, because you know I would kick your ass!"

An image popped into Zuko's head of Toph, dressed in a hot pink dress with head-to-toe ribbons and ruffles, shaking her fist at him threateningly. Zuko tried to hold back but couldn't stop himself from laughing uproariously. Toph placed her hands on her his hips and Zuko dashed out the tea shop like a man on fire.

Toph chased Zuko down the street until they reached a dead end in an alleyway. After a five-minute spar, the metalbender had the Firelord locked in a hold with both arms behind his back, crying out for surrender.