Harry Potter and the Unwanted Marriage Contract

HP AU ? HP and DG.

A Marriage contract story that's just a quick crack whatif.

AN: Not a romance Some bad language.

I needed a more crack plot. Somehow this dribbled out of my brain.

The three-times removed sequel to my crackfic Harry Potter and the Method of Double-tap. Go read that first.

This story takes place after Harry Potter and the Goblet of fire; and if you don't read the prequel, nothing will make less sense… Or more sense. Or something. This is fanfic!

If you weren't reading… Harry's killed Peter Pettigrew, somewhat vanquished Voldemort in the graveyard with a lot of help from Cedric Diggory, killed the fake Mad-Eye moody, been freed forever from Dursleys by a freed Sirius Black, handed back the gun Sirius gave him, then avoided death by accidental arranged marriage to Delphini Riddle, and gone home to Grimmauld place.

Harry's betrothal contract with Delphini Riddle showed up as an extra face on the magical family tree with a line linking Delphini Riddle to Harry. There were of course lines up the family tree showing her parentage. Tom Riddle finally made into a real pure-blood family tree. Briefly.

Thanks to JK Rowling and her publishers etc.. for allowing fanfic.

Grimmauld place, kitchen.

Sirius Black sits down at the kitchen table and admires his leather jacket on the back of the kitchen door.

Harry heads off upstairs.

"Where are you going Harry?" asked Sirius, chasing Harry.

"Just going to check the family tree. Just to be sure." said Harry.

"Fine, my paranoid godson." said Sirius, who liked chasing things.

Harry enters the room with the family tree and heads for his own section.

Harry and Sirius bend down and look at Harry's face on the family tree that covers the walls of the whole room. "Fuck… there's still a girl there linked to my name" said Harry. "I'm still in a marriage contract!"

"Lumos" said Sirius, squatting slowly.

"I still can hardly see.. still a witch D something"

"Lumos" repeated Sirius.

"Who the hell is Daphne Greengrass?" asked Harry. 'And why am I in a marriage contract with her.' he thought

Sirius snorted "The Greengrasses are in the sacred twenty eight and she's born in 1980, like you. She's at Hogwarts with you" said Sirius certainly.

"How do you know all that?" said Harry, noting the year of birth on Daphne's name-rectangle-thingy.

"Harry, there are only twenty eight names in the sacred twenty eight. It's easy." said Sirius.

"Sirius, I solemnly swear, I've never heard of her" said Harry.

Sirius snorted. "Well, she's not a bastard, or a halfblood" said Sirius, tracking upwards. "Her mother's an Abbot."

Silence.
"Sirius, can I have the gun back, so I can shoot myself?" asked Harry.

"Harry," Sirius squinted at the painting "She looks alright" he said.

"This is not happening" said Harry, shaking his head.

"Harry, you probably don't have to marry her" said Sirius.

"What?"

"We'll find the Potter family rules, I'll un-adopt you, you'll be fine"

"Sirius, that sounds like a load of bull"

"I Was trying to make you feel better" said Sirius.

"So I go from having Voldemort try to kill me, to having to marry some girl I've never met." cried Harry.

"Harry, you've met her, you might not have ever noticed her, or talked to her, but she was at the same sorting as you" said Sirius.

"Well she's not in Griffindor"

"Well of course not"

"What do you mean?"

"The hats tell you the house people were in at Hogwarts" said Sirius.

"But her hat is silver"

"Yeah, well, that explains why you haven't talked to her." said Sirius.

"Huh"

"Harry, look at most of the Blacks. What colour are their hats"

"Umm…. Silver"

"Slytherin" said Sirius.

"I'm dead. A witch from Slytherin, forced to marry me… I'm a dead man" moaned Harry.

"No Harry, you'll just be dead on the inside" said Sirius, cheerfully. "Like all your Black forebears"

...

"Harry, you can talk to snakes, right" asked Sirius

"Yeah"

"Problem solved. Use snake speech on her" said Sirius.

"Asshole" said Harry sulkily.

...

"We need to deal with this, write her family a letter"

"I'm fourteen" cried Harry.

"And you're an adult at seventeen, so you only have three years to get to know her."

-==0==-

The kitchen, that afternoon

"Come on Harry, we're going shopping you need clothes that fit."

"You're going to buy me clothes?"

"Well, you're too small for mine, and I'm wearing them"

"Sirius, thanks"

"Don't thank me, this is going to take ages"

-==0==-

Back at Grimmauld place, later.

"Sirius, why is your house filthy and full of magical pests"

"Because my mother died and left it for ten years"

"I'm sorry"

"Don't be, she was an horrible woman, who supported Voldemort"

"I'm sorry it's disgusting." explained Harry.

"Well, we could hire some cleaners, I suppose" said Sirius.

"Sirius, I'm really upset about the marriage contract stuff"

"It is awful, but we're Blacks. Show some stiff upper lip."

"I'm fourteen and forced to marry Sirius, I'm very sad" said Harry.

"And I know about the contracts Black uses Harry, I'll do all I can to help you."

"Well, what would get me out of it?"

"You can't get out…. You're a black by adoption."

"What would make Daphne Greengrass ineligible?"

"She's a pure-blood, she's eligible"

"And there's no magic to change who someones parents are?"

"No… actually, there might be away" said Sirius, looking thoughtful.

-==0==-

The Leaky Cauldron, the back room.

Sirius and Harry walk in, the door is marked "Private function"

There's a family sitting, waiting.

Harry sees a Blond mother, a blond daughter… That must be Daphne. She has blue eyes, and an angry face.

"Lord Black, Mister Potter" says the father, standing up. He's dark haired, like the younger daughter, who seems excited.

"Lord Greengrass" says Sirius, nodding.

"My wife Salome" she nods.

"My daughter Daphne," Daphne stares at Harry angrily. 'This is not going well' thought Harry.

"My youngest, Astoria." Astoria seems highly amused and winks.

"I think everyone knows Me, and Harry's more famous than I am" said Sirius.

Mrs Greengrass frowns.

Harry tries to do the thing they rehearsed "Lord Greengrass, Lady Greengrass, Daphne, Astoria" he nods to them all.

"Please, call me Gary" says Lord Greengrass.

Astoria titters.

Salome Greengrass elbows her husband "Cyrus , call me Cyrus" says Cyrus.

Harry can't help it, and he snorts. Salome and Daphne and Astoria all look like they've heard Cyrus make a joke like this before, and have ceased to find it funny.

Cyrus waves them down and they sit, opposite the Greengrasses.

"So, our children are caught in a dangling marriage contract" said Cyrus.

"Our second this month" said Sirius.

Astoria snorts. Cyrus looks peeved. Daphne briefly stops glaring long enough to look surprised, then goes back to glaring.

"We heard about that Riddle Girl. Who are they anyway?" asked Cyrus.

Harry coughs "Voldemort's bastard daughter" he says, as plainly as he can.

Salome speaks up "Well, I can see that would have been unacceptable" she says, in a dignified voice.

Daphne looks like she's trying to skin Harry with eye power alone. Great.

Sirius speaks up "So at present, Harry is my Heir, to Black, and Potter as well."

Cyrus blinks. "Both?"

"Well, I don't have a wife or children" said Sirius "But that could change"

Daphne gives Sirius a look that makes Harry think she thinks 'not bloody likely.'

He snorts. Daphne glares at him.

Sirius starts again "Now Harry hasn't met Daphne, even though they're both at Hogwarts."

Daphne mouths 'griffindork' silently.

Harry tries to smile but he's feeling terrified.

"So, I assume that from how they're looking at each other, neither is very happy with the contract" said Sirius.

"Daphne is uh.. " said Cyrus

"Ropeable" said Daphne clearly, in an upper class accent.

Salome smiles thinly, as this is clearly more appropriate language than has been used before.

"Well Harry, did say.. that he thought he was a dead man" said Sirius.

"I'm dead. A witch from Slytherin, forced to marry me… I'm a dead man" said Harry, quoting.

Daphne's face brightened up at this admission. Harry noticed that she was actually pretty, when not trying to glare his skin off.

"So, we have a quite standard, unwanted contract. Any exit clauses you can find?" asked Sirius.

"Our lawyers have found it, and it is an old Black contract" said Salome, ominously.

"Oh dear" said Sirius.

"You are familiar with these contracts?" asked Cyrus.

"They have turned up in family discussions" said Sirius and sighed.

"Is there any way out of it?" asked Harry. Daphne looked very pleased at the question.

"Well, apart from unlikely mass deaths, I have a way to cancel the contract" said Sirius.

Cyrus Greengrass looked interested "How?"

"The easiest way out of if no Greengrasses are eligible to be the subject of the contract. Now, betrothing them both would have worked, but the contract has already taken effect." said Sirius "But that leaves the question of bloodlines"

"My girls are pure-bloods" said Salome huffily.

"And this then curses one of them to Marry Harry." said Sirius "However , if Cyrus was to take a blood-adoption potion, and become a halfblood, there would be no eligible Greengrasses, ever again."

"Ever" asked Daphne.

"The contract is very biased about half-bloods" said Sirius.

"What you ask, it ruins the girls prospects" said Cyrus. 'and makes me a halfblood' went unstated.

"I will of course compensate the house of Greengrass" said Sirius. "The part where both your daughters will never have to tolerate a pure-blood arranged marriage ever, well, I give your daughters that for free" said Sirius.

Salome looked at Cyrus. Cyrus spoke up "We need some time to think about this" he said.

-==0==-

The Leaky Cauldron, the back room, two weeks later.

The Greengrass family sat at the table, Cyrus looking tense, The girls looking a bit excited. Salome looked hopeful. Cyrus had their copy of the contract in front of him.

Sirius and Harry came in and sat down.

"So, what have the Greengrasses decided" said Sirius bluntly.

"I'll do it, anything to save my girls from being forced to marry someone, no offence intended" said Cyrus.

Harry nodded "Thank you, Sir" said Harry. "I wouldn't wish it on anyone to have their choices taken away"

Sirius reached into his cloak and took out a bulging, clinking bag "Ten thousand galleons, some compensation" he said, and then took out a brown potion, and the contract. "Here's the potion"

"Who is the… muggle" asked Cyrus.

"A muggle with a witch for a daughter" said Sirius and winked at Harry.

Harry frowned, Sirius hadn't explained this bit.

Cyrus quaffed the potion. He winced and coughed, his features bubbling a little like the effect of polyjuice potion, then settling down, subtly different, but still recognisably the same person. His hair seemed to be different. Had it always been a bit crinkly?

The contracts glowed blue and started to burn with blue flames, burning to ash.

"Well Daphne, Harry, I'd like to congratulate you both on being free" said Sirius.

Daphne's hair wasn't straight anymore, Harry realised, it was slightly wavy. Really, it just looked like she'd had a hairdo.

Cyrus pulled his wand and cast lumos. His wand lit up.

The Greengrass girls both nervously drew their wands and cast lumos. Daphne seemed surprised to see her wand glow so brightly. Harry shrugged, lots of people he knew had a bright lumos.

"Well, that concludes our business" said Sirius "I'd like to say, Lord Greengrass, I look forward to working with you in the wizengamot, and it's been a pleasure solving our children problems, with you."

"Won't you stay for lunch?" asked Salome.

"I'm afraid I planned to take Harry out and corrupt him a bit after this. He's really far too nicely brought up" said Sirius. Salome coughed. Daphne's eyes grew wide. Astoria giggled.

"Are we really half-bloods now?" asked Daphne.

"Yes dear" said Cyrus.

Daphne reached out her hand to Harry "Daphne Greengrass, halfblood" she said.

Harry took it and shook it "Harry Potter, halfblood. Welcome to the club" he said.

-==0==-

A week into fifth year, Hogwarts.

Daphne Greengrass slipped a note into Harry's book bag on the way out of potions.

Harry didn't find it till later, as he unpacked his books before bed.

'

Harry Potter,

We need to meet. Something odd is going on

Third floor empty charms classroom forty one, ten pm.

DG'

Harry grabbed his invisibility cloak and rand for it. He was ten minutes late.

"Hello" said Harry, after shutting the classroom door behind him.

"What the hell?" asked a confused looking Daphne Greengrass, her wand drawn.

Harry realised he was still wearing the cloak, and took it off.

"Of, you have an invisibility cloak" said his, used-to-be fiancee.

"What is it, I was about to go to sleep" said Harry.

"I've, um, been doing better on practicals since, you know. What father did" said Daphne.

Harry blinked "How better?"

"Easier power." said Greengrass "It's easier to get a spell to go right. The wave in my hair is, well, I guess it's okay."

"How much easier?" asked Harry curious about magic.

"I used to be able to flip a table" said Greengrass "Now watch this" she waved her wand, casting wingardium leviosa, and flicked three tables across the room.

"Nice work" said Harry.

"Why?" she asked.

"Well, you've got a bit of someone else's blood in your family now, not pure-bloods. Half-bloods are powerful." said Harry.

"Rubbish!" said Daphne.

"I'm a halfblood, Lord Voldemort is, thought he pretends to be a pure-blood, and closer to home, Hermione Granger's a muggleborn, and she's scary as hell when she want to be. Dumbledore's not in the sacred twenty eight either."

"You're not powerful" said Daphne dismissively.

Harry cast the levitation charm, and blew six desks to the end of the room. "We done? I need to get some sleep, I've got Quidditch practice tomorrow morning"

Daphne Greengrass nodded, her wavy blonde hair reminding Harry of someone.

She left, Harry left behind her, invisible.

One the way back to the dorms, Harry thought. A muggle, who's daughter is a witch. Cyrus's brown hair had got wavy. Daphne's hair was wavy. Like Hermione's at the ball. Harry stopped dead. Sirius had, he'd done that. It was obvious in hindsight, as was Daphne's new power. Hermione had new cousins. Snooty, Slytherin, second cousins.

Harry laughed, a disembodied giggle back to the Griffindor portrait hole.

-==0==-

It was after the first model exams of OWLs that Harry heard it. Hermione swearing.

"That blonde bitch" said Hermione Granger. She was glaring at the notice on the pinboard by the great hall. Harry stepped over to his grumpy friend. It was a table of academic standing, as of after the model exams. He looked at the section for fifth year, charms. Hermione was being beaten by… Daphne Greengrass. And again in Transfiguration. Hermione dominated Runes and Arithmancy.

"Hermione, why are you cursing" asked Harry.

"Because Daphne Greengrass, that inbred blonde, has somehow got her grades up in charms and transfiguration. She's always had weak wandwork, and now she doesn't" said Hermione crossly.

"And this is a problem"

"It would be like Malfoy beating you in … Hermione looked at the charts. "Well, Defence!"

Harry blinked. The idea of the blonde ponce beating him in Defence, ridiculous.

"Hermione, why Defence, surely I beat him in everything." said Harry.

Hermione lowered the hand she was using to find grades against names. "Harry, you're, well, you're not that good at anything but Defence. You're top in Defence."

"My Potions grade is bullcrap" said Harry. "Snape hates me"

"You model exam grade was rubbish" said Hermione.

"But I'm doing okay in charms and Transfiguration?" asked Harry.

"Oh look for yourself." said Hermione.

"Hermione, just so you know, I think you're more than your marks." said Harry.

"Harry, don't ever use lines like that on me ever again. That's something you say to people with crap grades. Like Ron, for example."

"Um, Hermione, I had a interaction with the Greengrasses over summer, and um, they're not actually pure-bloods, they're more half-bloods, like me"

"Ron said they were in the sacred twenty eight" said Hermione.

"They used to be" said Harry, honestly.

"So Greengrass isn't some pure-blood bitch?"

"I believe she may be halfblood bitch" said Harry evenly. Hermione snorted "Harry Potter, watch your language"

-==0==-

"So who do you fancy" asked Seamus, as the fifth year boys lay on their beds on a Thursday night.

"Hannah Abbot" said Neville, without a seconds hesitation.

Harry thought about blonde Hannah, Susan's best friend. She was pretty, and nice. "Good show Nev" said Harry "At least you know what you like"

"What about Harry Potter, the boy who was engaged" asked Seamus. "Ask me last" said Harry.

"Lavender" said Ron, blushing.

Dean spoke up "Padma Patil."

Ron snorted "You like to live dangerously. Pavarti will hex you"

Dean said "There's something about brainy girls".

"Well I"m going to find a muggle girl after school" said Seamus. "I don't think witches are for me. I like the idea of a wife who won't poison me or hex me"

Harry coughed. Seamus was very brave saying that in the castle.

"So Harry?" asked Ron.

"I'm um… Cho Chang" he blurted.

"Blimey" said Ron "You don't mind the Ravenclaw girls even though they're mean to Luna" he asked.

Harry sat up "Ron… you make a good point." he said thoughtfully.

"We're doomed" said Seamus. "Ron's said something that changed Harry's mind. Must be the end of the world"

"I'm not that bad" said Harry.

"Everything weird in the school happens to You Harry" said Seamus. "The prophet said you were engaged to you-know-who's daughter"

"Oh that, that one was easy. She was a bastard, my godfather ripped the contract right up" said Harry.

"That one" said Dean suspiciously.

"Well there was another one the week after." said Harry. "We did a deal to get out of it"

"You got out of a magical marriage contract" said Seamus, incredulous "Susan says its practically impossible"

"Susan?"

"Seamus and Susan are buddies" said Dean "They both like the same awful music"

"Crosby Stills and Nash are the greatest" said Seamus.

"I got out of a cursed magical marriage contract" corrected Harry.

"Well it wasn't with Chang" said Dean.

"I won't say. It was an accident, and her family'd not done anything. My godfather, Sirius Black , Lord Black, did a deal and we went our separate ways"

"How could it be?" asked Ron.

"Who would Harry even date?"

"Not a puff. Not after the tri-wizard fiasco" said Harry.

"How about a 'claw?" asked Seamus

"Ron make s good point there" said Harry. "They bully Luna, she's my friend.

Neville looked like he was going to say something, but waited.

"So Luna?" asked Dean.

Harry blinked "Luna's a friend. That'd be weird."

"Like Hermione" said Ron.

"Yeah" said Harry.

"So, we're down to Fay, Lavender, Pavarti" said Seamus, starting to smirk.

Harry cut in "Neither Patil twin. Not after the yule ball fiasco."

"Fay, Lavender, and …. the Slytherins, obviously not Pansy or Bulstrode." said Seamus.

"Harry couldn't date a Slimy snake" said Ron.

Dean snorted "So.. Fay or Lavender"

"I respectfully decline" said Harry.

Neville snorted. "Has to be a Slytherin, and a well off one" he said.

Everyone sat up and stared at Neville.

"Okay, who are you and where did you hide Neville" said Ron, picking up his wand and aiming at Neville.

"Hermione hit me with a fully body bind in first year when I tried to stop you three going after the stone" said Neville.

Ron put his wand down again. "He couldn't date a snake. He's a lion!"

"Who sneaks around the school the most?" asked Neville.

"Well, after the twins, Harry" said Ron.

"Who has the most secrets?" asked Neville.

Ron laughed "Harry by a landslide"

"So you're saying Harry's a snake in lions clothing" said Dean, smirking.

"No, but he ignores Fay and dislikes Lavender, so that's the rest of our year."

"Cradle snatcher" said Seamus smugly.

"And he's not Michael Cormer" said Ron. Harry snorted.

"There are other fourth year girls" said Seamus.

"Compared to my sister?" said Ron, "They're all nothings". Dean snorted.

"So what Snakes are there" asked Seamus,

"Tracey Davis, Lily Moon, Daphne Greengrass" said Dean. "Hard choices"

"Come off it, Greengrass by a landslide." said Ron. "Apart from her always-pissed off face."

Neville snorted "She has the most money too" he laughed.

Harry blushed "Not going near her. Just No!"

"Come on, she's pretty when she's not looking like she wants us to all die" said Seamus. Dean and Neville nodded.

"I think I may reconsider the Puffs" said Harry piously.

"The call of the quaffles" said Seamus, with a smile.

"Ahh Bones" said Dean. "She's a marvel".

Seamus snorted.

"D'ya think they' keep growing" asked Ron. "I ask purely out of curiosity"

"If Hermione hears this conversation, we'll all end up in the infirmary" said Harry.

"Should I tell Susan?" asked Seamus.

"You set us up" said Dean, laughing.

Seamus laughed.

-==0==-

The twins helped Harry out, and a day later, Seamus found himself talking in rhyme all day.

AN: If you read this far, that's all I'm doing right now.