A/n: So this is honestly completely self-indulgent fic...I have read a couple of other stories about Hiyori recently which have honest to god made me cry so much primarily Chasing Silver, Chasing Gold by Kinosternon (on Ao3) and uh I've been having trouble with my friends for a while, since we started college, it seems like everyone sort of just ignores me guess? and when I do talk everyone just either goes silent or like ignores it and if I'm honest it's really beginning to crush me a bit. I tried talking it out with one of them in December after about year of dealing with it silently and she pretty much said that she's struggling with somethings too but that she'd try to be a better friend and all that and it's kind of just gone back to exactly how it was so I'm lost on what to do...I've been friends with her since nursery (age 4/5 ish in the UK) and I think I would still go as far as today she's my best friend, purely because I don't have many other friends so I'd rather not lose her completely...So pretty much I decided to project my feelings onto Hiyori with the hope that it might bring about even a shred of relief because I'm honestly getting desperate now...Hehe sorry for that rant but I feel like this sort of explains the disjointedness of this fic because I'm not in the best mental state right now.

This was also supposed to be loosely based on the song only a human by George Ezra but it doesn't have much relevance to the fic :))))

Anyway, I hope everyone enjoys!

The night was still, quiet and lonely, the silence was only broken by the heavy breathing coming from the brunet who sat hunched in the window in his now cold apartment, squinting into the night air without his glasses to clarify what he was seeing. The window was pushed open wide, the icy air flooding in and nipping at Hiyori's skin despite spring being right around the corner. It seemed the weather wasn't going to get any better anytime soon, ripping a sigh from Hiyori's lips as he lifted his phone, scrolling through his messages for what must have been the millionth time that day, the same old messages staring, no, glaring back at him.

It wasn't like he expected anyone to message him.

Sometimes, he just thought it would be nice...

For someone to care enough to talk to him without him having to initiate the conversation.

For someone to think about him, to wonder how he was.

Shaking his head in frustration, he rested his forehead against the cold glass, barely even feeling the chill in the air as he sighed.

He shouldn't be thinking like that. It wasn't as if Ikuya didn't care...

Right?

He was just busy. Extremely busy, in fact, so Hiyori could understand not having time for him. Once the competitive season died down, he was sure things would go back to normal

He hoped things would go back to normal at least...

The loneliness was crushing, especially on nights like these when he couldn't sleep, sitting in the window and watching the nightlife pass him by, cars and busses speeding past, their lights shining brightly and people walking by on the pavement below, voices somewhat hushed due to the late hour. Nights like these when he wished for nothing more than for Ikuya to ring like he used to, asking to talk about who knows what until the early hours of the morning, despite Hiyori's insistence that he needed to sleep.

Ikuya had simply wanted to talk to him. Whether it had affected his sleep or not.

So what happened?

Hiyori could pinpoint the exact moment he realised something wasn't quite right between them. That one relay was now his last memory of the Ikuya he used to know (the Ikuya who cared about him).

It wasn't as if he blamed Ikuya's old friends, they couldn't control what Ikuya did, however, a small part of him couldn't help but let a small amount of resentment into his voice when he talked about them.

It made him hate himself all the more...

He felt tense, ready to explode. As if the tears would come any minute now but he knew by now, they never came, instead leaving him with an uncomfortable tightness in his chest which only constructed further with every action that served to support his ides.

Ikuya didn't need him anymore.

After all, he had his middle school friends now. Besides that, their intentions were probably wholly better than Hiyori'sown had been.

Whereas he had wanted to protect Ikuya, determined and desperate to fulfil Natsuya's wishes, they just wanted to let him live and although he hated to admit it, that was what he needed.

He pretended not to notice.

How much more open and friendly Ikuya had become since reconnecting with his old friends, as if they had broken down the invisible barriers that surrounded his heart and warmed up someone who was once so cold.

Hiyori had tagged along with Ikuya and his friends a few times, admittedly for selfish reasons, simply wanting to be a part of what made Ikuya smile so wide.

He gave up after the third attempt, finding his heart wrench at the way Ikuya barely seemed to hear anything he said, simply brushing it off with a smile and tuning in to one of the other conversations around him.

At first, he had assumed that Ikuya had simply been too engrossed in the other conversation happening, then he had considered that maybe he was just speaking at the wrong time, waiting until things quietened down before even attempting to speak and, when that had also failed, his only response being a somewhat uninterested hum, he decided that it must be something wrong with him.

The brunet curled tighter into himself, bringing his thoughts back to the current moment as the lingering question hung heavily around his head.

What was wrong with him?

The brief thought of ringing Ikuya and demanding, no begging for answers popped into his head, however, the thought of it sent a full-body shiver through him.

He couldn't do that.

He didn't think he could take the confrontation.

Or the rejection that would surely follow.

Another cold blast of wind forced him to uncurl from his position slightly, reaching up to pull the window closed slightly, finding himself unable to close it completely for the fear of the deafening since that would surely fill the room.

For now, on nights like these, he listened to the cars and people in the outside world for company.

Desperate for anything to quell the hollowness that filled his body.

The numbers on his home screen glared at him as he unlocked the device, taunting him with how little sleep he would be getting, mocking, glaring.

All he could see was Ikuya, and those expressions gracing Ikuya's face, directed towards him as ever although he was sure he's never directly looked at Hiyori that way.

The chill that the thoughts sent through him was enough. The last straw. If he were to stay awake any longer, he would surely work himself up to the point of no return, not that he was far off at that point anyway.

Instead, he moved across the room, letting himself fall face-first onto the bed before rolling on to his side with a groan, staring up at the white ceiling.

How did it come to this?

Here he was lying on his bed, in the middle of the night, longing for someone to say even the shortest sentence to him.

It was pathetic.

"I'm pathetic..." The brunet let escape his lips following the first thought.

He had survived the first few years of his life alone, upon staring school only to find the other kids didn't like him.

This was no different.

No different at all. He could deal with people's hatred.

But could he deal with Ikuya's?