Hestia stared up at Kurama with an unreadable expression. For once, Naruto couldn't get any read on her; her emotions and thoughts were totally hidden to him. Her eyes traced over Kurama's form, from his nine tails swishing around lazily behind him to the black fur around his red eyes stretching up to his ears.

Kurama stared right back at her with his customary glare on his face.

"Naruto," Hestia said dangerously. "I'm completely fine with you being a reincarnated ninja from another dimension that lied to me for three years." Naruto winced. When she put it that way... "However," she continued, "this is going too far."

"What is it, goddess?" Kurama asked mockingly. "Afraid that I'm going to eat small children? Worried that I'm the hatred incarnate?"

Even though his words were sarcastic, there was something in his tone that told Naruto that this was probably something that had occurred before. Feared and believed to be evil just because of his monstrous appearance.

"No, it's not that," Hestia murmured, shaking her head. "It's just..." she fell silent for a moment before she whirled around to face Naruto, flames flickering wildly in her narrowed brown eyes. "You've had something this cute living in your head all this time, and you never introduced him to me?!"

Naruto blinked.

One of Kurama's tails crashed down, crushing several trees underneath.

"Hey!" Naruto snapped even as the crushed trees dematerialized into light within his mind. "Apology letter to the Log, now!"

"Quiet, brat," Kurama growled before turning his attention to Hestia. "You." He leaned in closer challengingly to Hestia. "What did you just say?"

Hestia smiled. "I said that you're cute."

"I..." Kurama trailed off, at a rare loss for words.

"I mean, she's not wrong, y'know," Naruto piped up with a grin that told Kurama just how much he was enjoying this. "Once you get past your prickly personality, you're really nothing but a cute furball." Hestia nodded vehemently in agreement.

Something snapped. It may have been Kurama's sanity.

"Kurama, was it?" Hestia took a step forward. Kurama took a step back, eyeing her warily. Naruto noticed. Immediately, he knew what to do.

"Oi, oi, oi," Naruto began with a smirk. "Don't tell me that you're scared of her?"

Kurama scoffed. "Scared of her? Don't make me laugh."

"A giant teddy bear," Hestia muttered under her breath, a fervent light in her eyes as she walked - no, stalked towards Kurama. "You're like a giant teddy bear just asking to be hugged into oblivion."

Fear filled Kurama's eyes as he cautiously backed up until he reached the edge of the clearing, his tails just a few inches away from the trees. For a moment, he seemed to contemplate whether or not it was worth crushing the trees to escape, but one look at Naruto's suddenly scathing glare shot down that idea.

And then Hestia was right in front of him, peering up at him without any fear. Then she sighed despondently. "Whatever. Hugs aren't fun if the other person - or kitsune - doesn't want them."

Kurama's sigh of relief sent a breeze throughout the clearing, rustling the grass and leaves.

Hestia reappeared next to Naruto's side and smiled at Kurama warmly. "I'm Hestia, the goddess of the hearth and family. It's a pleasure to meet you, Kurama."

"The pleasure... is all mine." Naruto could see the visible effort it took Kurama to say those words - although to be fair, Kurama likely didn't have much practice in being polite.

"I take it that you were instrumental in Atlas's defeat?" Hestia asked.

At that, Kurama smirked. "Of course. That battle was all me."

"Now that's a lie," Naruto immediately replied.

"Oh? Remind me again, who was it that landed the finishing blow on Atlas?"

"You did that with my body, so technically, it was a joint effort." Naruto countered. "Therefore, I demand half the credit."

"You wish." He turned his attention back to Hestia. "Why do you ask?"

"Thank you," Hestia said, bowing her head.

Kurama paused in confusion. "What?"

"Thank you," Hestia repeated, her tone completely sincere. "Even after all these millennia, Atlas's power and brutality remains fresh in my mind. By defeating him, you saved the lives of everyone on that mountain." She beamed at him. "Thank you for saving my family."

Kurama scrutinized her for one long moment, blinking once when he sensed no deceit or falsehood. Incredibly enough, it appeared that she was being completely sincere. He chuckled in amusement, shaking his head slightly in disbelief and amazement. "You're welcome, Hestia."

In all his centuries of being alive, Kurama had only encountered a handful of people who were genuinely kind. Hagoromo. Asura. Naruto. And now, he can add the first goddess to the list. Hestia.

Still though. What were the odds of Naruto being related to someone as kind as he was? Practically zero - but then again, Naruto always did have a habit of defying the odds.

XxX

After being teleported back to Olympus, Naruto quickly went to find his questmates. He located them at a quiet corner of the garden. Percy, Zoe, Thalia, Bianca, and Annabeth were sitting on the soft grass, a pile of food around them.

Percy spotted him first. "Naruto!" he shot up to his feet, concern in his eyes. "Where were you?"

"I went to go talk with Hestia," Naruto answered.

"Thank the gods," Percy breathed a sigh of relief. "I was getting a little worried there."

Naruto tilted his head. "What for?"

"He was afraid that Zeus had done something to you," Annabeth explained. "Got all freaked out too."

Naruto stared pointedly at the assorted food on the ground. "You were definitely in a hurry, I see," he said dryly, taking a seat.

Percy shrugged, sitting back down as well. "I mean, gotta have dramatic timing and all that."

Naruto chuckled. "Of course, of course - " he suddenly whipped his head to stare at Percy incredulously. "Hold up, you were worried about me?! Dude, did you hear what you said to Zeus after your dad won the drinking contest?!"

"Balls of steel, by the way," Thalia said admiringly. "I can't believe you actually said that right to my father's face."

"Beyond stupid is more like it," Zoe said, wiping her mouth with a napkin. "There was a very good chance that Zeus would've blasted you for the insult. It was a supremely foolish decision."

Percy raised an eyebrow. "C'mon, guys. Seriously? Give me some credit here."

At everyone's blank stares, he sighed. "Look. With my dad right there, there was no way Zeus could risk blasting me. Not only would my dad have stopped him, but even if the blast did manage to go through, the consequences would be too dire for Zeus. He couldn't risk angering my dad like that, especially with the threat of the Titans. Moreover, you all saw how much Zeus was drinking. I doubt he would remember anything from this party, so any later punishment is unlikely."

"You don't know that," Bianca frowned. "Alcohol might affect gods differently."

"He could barely walk a straight line," Percy snorted. "And on top of that, judging by how he was winking at two nymphs during the drinking contest... well, let's just say that the combined efforts of a boatload of alcohol, some happy time, and Hera's subsequent punishment of said happy time would wipe the memory of my insult from his mind."

"Hera knows already?" Thalia asked confusedly. "I thought my dad would be smarter than that." Naruto noticed how she didn't even deny her father cheating on his wife.

Percy paused. "Well, she will know once I send her an anonymous message via sacrificial flame."

I like him, Kurama immediately said. Unless... Naruto, please tell me that he's not a ball of angst that's obsessed with revenge.

He's not.

Kurama grinned. Perfect. Now this is a friendship that I can actually approve of.

Hey, what's wrong with Sasuke? Naruto asked, offended.

It would be faster to list what's not wrong with him.

"I saw the perfect opportunity and I took it," Percy continued. "After all..." he grinned deviously, "how many people can say that they've insulted Zeus to his face and lived with no consequences?"

There was a moment of silence as they absorbed his words.

Zoe broke the silence first. "I did not expect that," she laughed.

"Dear gods," Thalia chuckled. "I see that you've taken Chiron's lessons to heart."

"Dude," Naruto grinned. "Well played."

Annabeth shook her head in amusement. "Now if only you could apply that level of thinking to your studies."

Percy groaned. "Don't remind me. I still have to get back to school once winter break is over." There were simultaneous sympathetic winces around the group.

"Wait, Zoe," Bianca suddenly spoke up worriedly. "Do the Hunters of Artemis have to go to school?"

"Definitely not," Zoe answered. "Although we do have our own lessons and curriculums taught in a non-traditional classroom setting."

Thalia snapped her fingers, her entire face brightening up. "I just remembered! That means that I don't have to go to school anymore." Then she smirked at Percy. "How does it feel, to have to go back to the most mind-numbing, boring, and torturous place on Earth?"

Percy's eyes glazed over in a thousand yard stare. "I... oh gods..." He thought of something. "At least Annabeth and Naruto have to suffer - that is, go to school too."

"Ah, but the thing is, I like school, Seaweed Brain," Annabeth smiled at him, amusement shining in her gaze. Percy sagged a little at her words. He turned to Naruto, desperate to have a fellow comrade in the hellish situation that could share his pain.

Naruto simply laughed, crushing all of Percy's hopes. "Nope," he grinned. "I've never gone to school before, and I'm not planning to start."

"That's not fair!" Percy exclaimed in outrage.

"Feels bad, man," Thalia replied.

"Besides, you deserve school," Annabeth told him without a hint of sympathy.

"What? Why?!"

"Because you didn't even know the fundamental properties of domains?"

"Why do I need to care about that?"

"Because it's basic demigod knowledge?"

Percy shrugged. "I've never needed that information before to defeat monsters."

"You also didn't know anything about how the Mist functioned. Nor did you know about essence combination," Zoe listed out. "There is a startling amount of information that you are entirely ignorant of."

"What?!" Annabeth stared at Percy disbelievingly. "I - have you even been researching the Greek myths in your spare time?"

"No?" Percy said it as if it was obvious. "Do I seem like the type to do that?"

"Dude, what have you even been doing at camp for the last few years?" Thalia asked. "Have you even taken a single academic course yet?"

"Ah." Percy looked away sheepishly. "Not exactly."

There was a thud as Annabeth and Thalia facepalmed simultaneously. Zoe just observed them with mild interest.

"Let me get something straight," Annabeth said in a tight voice. "After two years, you haven't taken a single academic course at camp yet?"

"Yup." Percy replied nonchalantly, popping the P. "The only non-practical course I've taken was Chiron's Common Sense class."

"I thought it was strange that I never saw Percy in my classes," Thalia muttered. "But seriously? You haven't taken History of the Gods, Analysis of Monsters, Secrets of the Mist, Applied Science..." she trailed off as Percy shook his head. "Huh. That explains so much."

"I just care about the important stuff," Percy took a sip from his goblet of what appeared to be blue Coke. "I don't see a point in spending hours learning and memorizing information that I'm never going to use. I'd much rather invest the time in training and honing my fighting skills."

He's a lot like you. Kurama commented.

Naruto agreed. He saw many parallels between Percy and himself when he was younger.

When you were younger? Kurama laughed. Don't give me that. You're just as stupid now as you were six years ago, back when you were a fresh genin.

Excuse me-?!

Didn't you forget that only senjutsu worked on Juubito? Kurama said amusedly. In the middle of a fight? Mere minutes after it was revealed that only senjutsu would affect him?

...

That's what I thought.

To be fair, that was three years ago, back when I was just seventeen.

And during those three years, I somehow highly doubt that you became a prodigious genius.

Naruto grumbled in his mind, but in the end, he didn't really have anything to say. After all, even though he would never willingly admit it to Kurama... it was the truth. Naruto wasn't arrogant enough to think that he was perfect. In terms of academics, he was severely lacking - he still remembered the disaster that was the written portion of the Chuunin Exams. He had gotten only one question correct, the question being What is your name? However, he was well aware of his own flaws, and he always planned around them to make everything work out. Percy just had to learn to do the same.

"And if you do have to use the information one day?" Annabeth asked, narrowing her eyes slightly. "If there's an enemy that can't be defeated without a vital piece of information? Then what will you do?"

Percy shrugged. "Then I'll just ask you." He smiled at her. "Between the two of us, I'd say we can take on any enemy, wouldn't you say?"

"Y-yeah." Annabeth stammered, slightly taken aback by the unwavering conviction in his tone. She looked down at her food, clearly not sure how to deal with the sheer amount of faith he had in her.

Percy, for his part, just stared at her blankly. Then he shrugged and took another sip of blue Coke, dismissing it from his mind. There was no point in trying to understand girls, after all.

"Split personality," Bianca spoke up. "Naruto, you mentioned a split personality during the meeting. Are you... okay? Mentally?"

I still feel like you could've come up with a better excuse than that.

Hey, shut it. I didn't hear you volunteering anything when we discussed the plan.

Naruto grinned. "Yup! His name's Kurama, by the way. We're friends."

"Living alone with Apollo for three years..." Zoe muttered. "Honestly, I'm surprised that your mental state isn't any worse. Just gaining a split personality is probably one of the best-case scenarios."

... I barely even know Apollo, and I feel a little bad for him. Is his reputation even worse than mine?

Depends on how you define worse.

"Well, demigods have a tendency to have dyslexia and ADHD," Annabeth said. "So I guess having a split personality isn't too bad?"

They considered that for a moment.

Thalia shrugged. "Let's go with that. Kurama, if you can hear us, it's nice to meet you."

I couldn't care less, human.

Naruto smiled. "He says it's great to meet you guys, and that he wishes to be friends with all of you."

I did not.

"The Apollo cabin would probably want to take a look at you," Percy remarked. "Get prepared for a lengthy medical and psychological exam."

Naruto shivered. "Yeah... hard pass on that."

"Speaking of camp..." Thalia turned to Naruto. "Have you decided what you're going to do yet?"

Naruto frowned. "What do you mean?"

"Are you going to stay at Camp Half-Blood? Or will you join the Hunt?"

Naruto opened his mouth to speak but then shut it as he realized that he himself didn't know the answer. Fortunately, Zoe answered for him.

"He's going with us, obviously." she said casually. "The Hunt does not leave any of their members behind. Especially not the son of Artemis."

"Hey wait," Percy frowned. "What do you mean by that? He's a half-blood, right? That means he has to stay at Camp Half-Blood, since the Ancient Laws forbid Artemis from interacting with him too much. I know that Zeus favors Artemis and all, but even he can't give her that much leeway." Naruto noted with mild interest that even though Percy just learned of the Ancient Laws a few hours ago, he seemed to already have a solid grasp of the concepts.

Zoe nodded. "Typically, you would be correct. However, Artemis already went to convince Lord Zeus to make an exception."

Annabeth sat up straight, intrigued. "How?"

"I do not know," she admitted. "However, when I spoke to Artemis on the matter, she seemed confident."

"Perhaps she'll call in a favor? Or even ask for a favor?" Annabeth mused. "Artemis always was Zeus's favorite daughter. If Zeus ever did grant an exception, then it would be for her."

"Wasn't your mother Zeus's favorite daughter?" Bianca inquired.

She shook her head. "No. At one point Athena was, but after the failed rebellion... their relationship recovered eventually, but it never quite returned to what it once was."

"Even if Zeus did like Artemis enough, does he like Naruto enough?" Thalia contemplated.

"True..." Annabeth said slowly.

Thalia turned to Naruto with a grin. "Oh yeah, by the way, Naruto you have my eternal respect for calling my dad Super Thunder Gramps."

Naruto grinned. "Thank you!"

"It's not something to be proud of," Zoe sighed. "We really need to talk about your tendency to antagonize the gods."

"Hold up." Naruto held up his hands in protest. "I didn't call him Super Thunder Gramps to antagonize him or anything. It was a genuine nickname!"

Zoe stared at him incredulously. "Are you serious?"

"Well, yeah." Naruto shrugged. "I give nicknames to everyone."

And you're a blasphemous heathen for that.

Excuse me?

You called my father Hagoromo, the Sage of Six Paths himself... Super Sage Gramps, Kurama growled.

You're not fine with that?

Of course I'm not fine with that! The only reason I'm able to somewhat tolerate it is because I've already been desensitized to your particular brand of insanity - and what a sad reality that is.

Whatever you say, Giant Cuddly Teddy Bear.

I'll fucking kill you.

Naruto gave a mental chuckle. Love you too.

"I don't remember you calling Apollo by any nicknames though," Percy commented.

A dark, haunted look passed over Naruto's face. "I did once," he whispered. "I called him Super Sunny Pervert." In his mind, Kurama roared with laughter.

Zoe nodded approvingly. "An apt nickname. I'll be sure to use it the next time I see him - "

"NO!" Naruto coughed lightly. "Err, that is to say, no. You do not want to know what he will do."

"Punish me?" Zoe tilted her head. "I'd like to see him try."

"He could always curse you to talk only in rhyme," Percy mused. "That did happen to me once."

"Really?" Thalia said, intrigued. "What happened?"

"I may or may not have, umm... accidentally ruptured the Apollo cabin's plumbing."

Thalia laughed. "That was you? No, of course that was you."

"Hey, in my defense, we were having a basketball game, and things got really intense, okay?" Percy scowled. "I could only talk in rhyme for three days afterwards." he turned to Naruto. "Was that what happened to you?"

Naruto shook his head. "Worse," he said solemnly.

"Worse?" Zoe asked concernedly. "How did he punish you?"

"He didn't punish me. He rewarded me."

At their confused looks, he expanded.

"After he heard me call him that, he teared up before hugging me tightly, saying about how I had perfectly encapsulated all his best qualities into a single name before deciding that I needed a reward. Said reward involved retelling all of his... conquests as a pervert," Naruto recounted with a haunted stare, lost in terrible memories. "He talked for thirty-six hours straight, emitting ultra-bright light that cycled through the colors of the rainbow to keep me awake."

The Hunters and campers all winced collectively.

"Oh gods," Zoe whispered. "That's..."

"It was as if he was a walking, glowing RGB light that just wouldn't shut the Hades up..." Naruto shivered as traumatic flashbacks assaulted him once more, interrupted only by the sound of -

Damn it, can you shut up? It's not funny!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA OH DEAR SAGE, IT IS! IT'S ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, Naruto grumbled. You're damn lucky that you were asleep during that time. Actually unfair.

Given that I was forced to witness your conception firsthand, I say that this is just poetic justice, Kurama sniffed as Naruto gagged automatically. Then he smirked. So, does this mean that you know all of the backstories, so to speak, of the children of Apollo?

...

...

I literally just realized that I do know... oh gods... oh gods...

There was a mental thud as Kurama fell down, unable to keep himself upright from how hard he was laughing.

"And that's why I call Apollo by his name," Naruto finished with a traumatized gaze.

A heavy silence descended over them.

"Well, after knowing that, having a split personality is completely understandable," Thalia said.

There was a muttering of agreement around the group.

XxX

"Naruto, can you please stay at Camp Half-Blood for a few days as I fully explain the situation to my Hunters?" Artemis asked. "I suspect they'll need some time before they're ready to meet you."

Naruto brightened. "Sure! Can I stay in your cabin while I'm at camp?"

Artemis paused, a strange look passing over her face. "Yes, you may." she responded before murmuring, "That reminds me..."

"Hmm?"

"It's nothing."

XxX

"We'll see you in a few days," Zoe said. "Farewell, Naruto. And please, while you're at camp, take care." Her eyes narrowed slightly. "I do not know if the other campers will react to you well. Let me know if they cause any trouble, and I shall see to their case personally."

Thalia snorted. "Chill. Trust me, after Naruto kicked your collective asses in Capture the Flag, it's going to take a lot more than being the son of Artemis for people to turn on him." Zoe looked outraged, but before she could say anything, Thalia continued. "Oh, and Naruto, don't worry. I'll try to convince the Hunters that you're pretty cool." She paused before adding with a smile that told Naruto she was joking, "For a male, that is."

Naruto smiled. "Thank you," he said sincerely.

He frowned slightly when he realized that Bianca was uncharacteristically silent. "Hey, Bianca, you alright?"

"I feel like we're forgetting something," Bianca muttered. "Something important."

Thalia tilted her head. "Are we? We have all of our magic items and - nope, that's it. We have everything."

Bianca frowned, her brow furrowing in thought. "I guess you're right - " her eyes widened. "My brother!"

There was a moment of silence.

"Damn," Percy cursed. "I completely forgot."

"I remember now," Annabeth said, eyes narrowed. "Hades said that he brought Nico to the Underworld, didn't he?"

"I can't believe I forgot," Bianca said, her face stricken with guilt and worry. "What kind of a sister am I?"

"In our defense," Thalia said grimly, "We were a bit more focused on... other things."

Naruto clapped his hands together. "Alright," he announced determinedly. "Time to storm the Underworld."

"Time to what now?" a voice spoke up from behind him.

"Hey Mom," Naruto smiled cheerfully without turning around. "I need to invade the Underworld real quick to retrieve Nico. Be right back."

"Absolutely not," Artemis said dryly. "You're going directly to Camp Half-Blood and staying there."

Naruto's eyes flashed defiantly as he spun around, looking directly at Artemis, who had her arms crossed. "I need to save Nico - "

"From what?" Artemis interrupted, raising an eyebrow. "It's not as if Hades is going to torture him or anything. You heard him - he brought Nico to the Underworld to protect him from my father's lightning bolts."

"Damn, Hades is kinda paranoid," Percy muttered.

Artemis turned to him with a detached expression. "No," she said coolly. "He's not."

Percy paused before narrowing his eyes as the implications of her statement hit him. "There's no way."

"There is," she responded simply. Naruto could've sworn that her eyes flitted to Bianca for a moment. "Logically, it makes perfect sense. Unlike Percy, Thalia, or even Bianca, Nico is a complete unknown. We know nothing of his allegiances or loyalties. And he's the son of Hades to boot."

"Nico would never turn on Olympus," Bianca said angrily.

Artemis held up a hand placatingly. "I know. However, when the fate of the world itself is at stake... While I may not necessarily agree with my father's decisions, I can understand where he's coming from." She sighed. "As it stands, Nico is probably safer in the Underworld right now than on earth." She cast her gaze over to Naruto. "So please, don't try to 'rescue' him."

Naruto nodded reluctantly. "Understood."

Bianca clenched her fists. "That isn't fair."

"We're demigods," Percy murmured. "Life rarely is."

"On that note, it's time to leave." The moon chariot descended from the sky and landed behind Artemis. "Zoe, Thalia, Bianca, let's go. Naruto," her gaze softened. "I'll see you later." With that, she entered her chariot and waited for her Hunters.

Thalia hugged Annabeth good-bye as Zoe gave a single nod at them before they both got into the chariot as well. Bianca, however, hesitated.

"I'll make sure he's safe," Percy said. "I promise. Hades still owes me a favor."

Bianca relaxed slightly. "Thank you," she replied gratefully. "I'll try to contact my father as well." She got into the chariot as well and a moment later, the moon chariot was in the night sky.

"The sun chariot is cooler than the moon chariot," Percy said out of nowhere.

"Percy!" Annabeth chided.

"What?" he replied defensively. "Just saying."

Naruto quirked an eyebrow in amusement. ADHD demigods with the attention span of a chipmunk. No wonder they had forgotten about Nico.

XxX

"Hey, where's Apollo?" Naruto asked.

"I don't know," Percy replied. "I don't think he even came to the party."

"Huh. Strange." Naruto shrugged. "Whatever. He's probably fine." He chuckled. "Knowing him, he probably didn't even make it three steps into the party courtyard before he went home with the first pretty girl he saw."

XxX

Being the god of prophecy came with numerous perks, including some perks most people didn't know about. See, the term prophecy was rather misleading, since it implied that Apollo only had control over prophecies of the future, which wasn't the case. His domain covered a vast range of powers and abilities that only a few other beings possessed full knowledge of - with good reason.

While Apollo often boasted of his music, poetry, and archery skills - rightfully so, since he was a complete beast - he almost rarely advertised his prophecy abilities. Primarily because nobody really cared; prophecy powers were nowhere as flashy as hitting a flawless 360 blindfolded noscope from a hundred miles away or playing every single musical instrument ever invented telepathically at the same time. As such, most demigods and even gods were unaware of the full extent of his powers.

One of his more obscure powers was clairvoyance, the ability to perceive the world around him with only his mind. With clairvoyance, it was nigh impossible for Apollo to lose a game of hide-and-seek, as Naruto had found out the hard way. More importantly, he could know the contents of a conversation in another room without actually being able to hear or see anything.

Due to his clairvoyance flaring up randomly - similar to his other prophecy powers, his clairvoyance would arbitrarily activate at the oddest times - Apollo knew with perfect clarity what Naruto had just said.

His left eye twitched in annoyance.

Going home with the first pretty girl he saw? He wished that was the case. Oh how he wished. Because instead of going home with the first pretty girl he saw, Apollo had been accosted and practically kidnapped by three ancient, very-not-pretty but very-much-pissed-off goddesses.

"ANSWER ME, APOLLO. WHAT DID YOU DO?!"

"OH GODS IT WASN'T ME, I SWEAR. PLEASE, YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE ME. IT WASN'T ME!"

Apollo's pleas of innocence fell on deaf ears as the Three Fates advanced on him menacingly, each wielding a huge pair of scissors with long gold-and-silver blades that scared Apollo far more than any sword or spear could.

"Clotho, please," Apollo looked at the Fate of Birth imploringly. He winced at the withering glare he received in return.

"Lachesis?" he tried again pleadingly, turning his gaze. The Fate of Life's cold, dead stare sent shivers down his immortal spine. There was no mercy in those eyes.

With that, he turned over to the final Fate. "Atrophos? Et tu?"

Strangely enough, she wasn't glaring at him but rather she seemed intently focused on a lower part of him, a certain appendance he took great amounts of pride in -

He whimpered when the Fate of Death snapped her scissors shut with an audible schlink, her gaze still focused on his manhood.

The message sent was painfully clear.

"Enough games. We'll give you one last chance," Clotho began threateningly. "Tell us what you did, and we shall let you leave painfully in one piece."

Apollo frowned. "Err, don't you mean you'll let me leave unharmed in one piece?"

Lachesis tilted her head. "Better leaving painfully in one piece than leaving painfully in pieces." She absently twirled her scissors around in her hand, her eyes glinting with an unholy light.

Apollo laughed nervously. "Now, now," he held up his hands placatingly. "I'm sure we can talk about this like calm, reasonable gods - " his eyes widened suddenly as he pointed behind the Fates. "Hey look! A distraction! Let's pay attention to it!"

Amazingly enough, they actually fell for it, spinning around. Probably because they had virtually no combat experience. Apollo immediately took advantage of the opportunity, wasting no time in entering his divine form and getting the Tartarus out of there.

He breathed a sigh of relief. Holy Zeus, that was actually the most terrifying thing I've been through in the past few centuries.

XxX

That is the worst knockoff of the Byakugan I have ever seen, Kurama remarked dryly.

Naruto couldn't help but agree.

In front of them stood Argus, the camp security chief who had come to pick them up and take them back to Camp Half-Blood. He would've looked like a typical athletic blonde if not for the countless eyes all over his body: on his arms, on his legs, on his face, on his neck. Naruto vaguely recalled reading about Argus once; Hera had created him with a hundred eyes so he would have no blind spots and would be the perfect guard.

It's like an evolved version of Danzo, Kurama muttered. Ironically enough, the Gentle Fist would probably be the most effective on Argus.

Naruto winced at the thought. Oh gods. How did Argus even fight? It must hurt like hell every time he battled with someone. The security guard may not look like it, but he was undeniably tough as hell.

And if Gaara fought him? I doubt he even needs to attack - just send a sandstorm in Argus's general direction and it'll be all over.

Despite himself, Naruto snorted.

"Why are we taking a taxi?" Percy wondered.

Annabeth shrugged. "No idea. Just be glad it's not the Grey Sisters," she smirked.

Percy groaned. "Ugh. Don't remind me."

Argus stayed silent.

XxX

"Hey Chiron!" Percy called out cheerfully. "We're back."

Chiron had been reclining in his wheelchair at the porch of the Big House, a serene expression on his face as he gazed up at the night sky. The moment he heard Percy, however, he whipped his head around to stare at their approaching figures, looking at Percy blankly. Then he stepped forward slowly, reverting to horse form as he did so.

Percy faltered slightly at the almost frightening intensity in Chiron's gaze. "Uhh, Chiron? Is everything alright - " His puzzlement transformed into outright horror as Chiron charged at him with a wild look in his eyes.

"SWEET MERCIFUL HADES PLEASE CHIRON WE CAN TALK ABOUT THIS!"

XxX

Ask anyone at Camp Half-Blood what they thought of Mr. D, and they would probably say something along the lines of "He's an asshole." Or worse. Even his own sons, while they loved him dearly, would admit that he wasn't exactly the model example of a good person.

And if anyone at Camp Half-Blood saw Dionysus as he was right now, they would likely stare slack-jawed, their image of him obliterated in their minds, before questioning everything they knew about the world and their sanity itself.

"You know, we really ought to do this more often," Ariadne smiled beautifically at him as she snuggled in closer.

Dionysus chuckled. "We should," he agreed, tightening his embrace around his wife.

They were cuddling in one of his gardens, enjoying each other's presence. The sweet smell of grapes permeated the air, and although the stone bench they were sitting on looked uncomfortable, it was enchanted so that it was softer than feathers.

Dionysus was rarely able to spend time with his wife like this, so whenever he got the chance, he made sure to enjoy the time to the fullest. "Say, later tonight, how about we - "

He was interrupted by a flash of golden light.

Dionysus snarled in annoyance as Apollo tumbled into the garden. "Get the Hades out."

Apollo shook his head, disoriented. "Where am I - " he looked at Dionysus and Ariadne. Ariadne looked amused while Dionysus had a death glare on his face. "Oh. Oh. Dude, I am so sorry. I was kinda distracted trying to shake off my tail, and I really wasn't thinking of a specific destination when I teleported. My bad."

"Shake off your tail?" Ariadne repeated curiously. "Why? Who's after you?"

There was the sound of an explosion off in the distance.

A look of fear passed over Apollo's face. "Gotta go bye." He turned around but then paused as he glanced downward, his eyes glowing gold for a moment. "Oh, and Dionysus?"

"What?" the wine god snapped.

"You may want to check up on Chiron."

Another flash of light, and the sun god was gone.

Dionysus sighed wearily. "Now then, where were we?"

Ariadne's lips quirked up into a smile. "Aren't you going to check up on Chiron?"

Dionysus snorted. "Not my problem."

"Dionysus," she said reproachfully.

He held her stare for a moment before relenting. "Fine," he said with a good-natured sigh. Ariadne always did manage to bring out the best in him. He tilted his head, purple light flaring to life in his eyes. "Now let's see," he muttered. "Chiron... where are you - "

Dionysus's eyes widened. "Wait, he can't possibly be - SHIT. SHIT SHIT SHIT." he turned to his wife. "Gotta go, love you," he said hurriedly as he quickly planted a kiss on her cheek.

"What happened?" she asked in concern.

"He finally snapped."

With those words, Dionysus dematerialized.

Ariadne paused for a moment. Then his words fully sunk in.

She paled.

XxX

Percy stumbled back in shock as Chiron stampeded towards him, freezing as a deep primal fear filled his eyes. Getting run down by an angry centaur was fucking terrifying. Before he could react, Chiron was already right in front of him, rearing up in his full majestic glory.

In a flash of purple light, Dionysus materialized behind Chiron just as he was about to trample Percy, holding him back with both of his arms and all of his strength. "Wait wait wait, Chiron, wait!" the wine god shouted hastily. "You can't mutilate Peter Johnson just yet!"

A sound of pure rage escaped Chiron as he was unable to articulate coherent words.

"Please, Chiron. You know that I want to see Peter Johnson suffer as much as you do, if not even more," Dionysus grunted as Chiron strained against his bonds. "But you can't eviscerate him just yet!"

"Yeah!" Percy agreed, then blinked in shock as he realized he just agreed with Dionysus.

"Just think of all the paperwork!" Dionysus continued desperately.

"... not the reason I would've gone with, but that works too."

"Mountains of paperwork, Chiron! MOUNTAINS. IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?!" Dionysus paled when he realized his words weren't getting through to the enraged centaur, whose thrashings only seemed to doubled in intensity. "PLEASE, CHIRON! EVEN IF YOU'RE WILLING TO DO IT, THINK ABOUT ME! THIS IS THE SON OF POSEIDON HERE! IF ANYTHING HAPPENS TO HIM, I'LL BE THE ONE CALLED IN TO GIVE A VERBAL REPORT!"

"PAIN!" Chiron snarled. "HE... NEEDS... PAIN!" Chiron's normal eloquent self seemed to have vanished completely. Monosyllabic words were all he could muster.

"And I concur completely!" Dionysus's eyes widened as he was being overpowered by the immortal centaur. Grape vines exploded out from the ground and wrapped around Chiron, further restraining him. "But this isn't the way to do it! Subtlety, my old friend, SUBTLETY! We can spike his drink or something! I'll even pull out my top-tier blackmail material!"

"I... have many objections to that."

"Quiet, Patrick!" Dionysus shot Percy a glare before returning his attention back to Chiron. "Just calm yourself down, please!"

"I don't even understand!" Percy said helplessly. "I did nothing wrong! Why are you even mad at me?"

Percy immediately knew that was the wrong thing to say. Chiron calmed down immediately, regaining his composure in record speed. A dark look entered his eyes. "You did nothing wrong?" he asked dangerously.

There was a moment of silence as Percy reviewed his memories to make sure he was actually in the clear. "Yup!" Percy answered confidently when he couldn't find any catastrophic offenses he had allegedly committed. "I'm 100% innocent - "

"Where's my van, Percy?" Chiron suddenly said in a deceptively calm tone.

Percy froze. "Ah."

"Where. Is. My. Kronos-be-damned van?!"

The temperature around them seemed to drop by twenty degrees as an ominous presence suddenly weighed down on them all. Dionysus, Percy, and Annabeth shivered, and even Naruto was slightly disconcerted.

"Kronos, get your ass out of my camp," Chiron said, not even missing a beat.

The presence drew back in shock.

Chiron snorted. "Don't give me that, Father. You were somehow completely outmaneuvered by a kid who hasn't even reached double digits in age yet."

"That time stop was an asshole move, by the way," Naruto added.

"Face it. You're past your prime, old man," Chiron said. "It's time to retire."

Naruto could practically sense Kronos's seething outrage. However, the Titan Lord was obviously unable to do anything besides observe. It was a testament to his immeasurable power that he was able to even manifest within the camp's magical borders, and it was probably only due to the invokement of his name.

"Now begone!" Chiron made a three-fingered claw over his heart before pushing outward while the camp's magical border flared at the same time. And then the presence was gone.

"Whoa," Dionysus looked admiringly at Chiron. "That was legitimately the most suicidal thing I've ever seen in - well, ever. Respect."

"Thank you," Chiron smiled. "Now that that's been taken care of..." he turned back to Percy, his eyes narrowing once more. "Where. Is. My. Van. Perseus Jackson?"

Percy laughed nervously as he began slowly backing away. "Haha, funny thing, really. Err..."

"That's what I thought. You have chosen death. Now face it like a man."

"Wait wait wait!" Percy protested as Chiron renewed his struggles to break free from Dionysus. "That's not even my fault! Why are you blaming me?! What about Thalia?! Or Zoe?! Hades, even Naruto and Bianca! They were all there too!"

"Oi, don't drag me into this," Naruto said from off to the side where he and Annabeth stood. Annabeth was currently observing the proceedings with great interest, her grey eyes filled with amusement, while Naruto had started outright snickering at the situation once he realized what was going on.

"They're all protected by deitical immunity," Chiron growled. "I can't even touch them without inviting Artemis's wrath onto my ass. So guess who's going to be the lucky recipient of all of my unbridled fury?"

"... not me?" Percy tried hopefully.

Chiron reared up before slamming his front hooves down into the ground. A tremor rippled through the ground as the earth underneath cracked from the sheer force.

"I... see your point."

"Good. Now stay still so I can disembowel you. Dionysus, if you would please remove my restraints?"

Dionysus was silent for a moment as he deliberated over something. "Chiron," he finally said.

"You'll let me do it?" Chiron asked, hope and optimism shining in his eyes.

Dionysus shook his head. "Not that. If... if you don't do it, then I'll... I'll..." It seemed to be taking all of Dionysus's willpower to get those words out. "I'll let you have my specialty wine."

Chiron's eyes widened in shock. "Your specialty wine - you mean the bottle of wine that's over two thousands years old? The bottle you had been saving to drink the moment your punishment at Camp Half-Blood was over? That bottle of wine?!"

"Yes. If you don't... deliver your retribution on Parker, then I'll give you the bottle, no strings attached." Saying those words seemed to physically pain Dionysus.

"It's a deal," Chiron said immediately. The grape vines receded back into the ground as Dionysus tentatively stepped away from the centaur, who had a serene expression on his face once more. "Please leave the wine in my office," he smiled. "And thank you, Lord Dionysus, for your generosity."

Dionysus choked back a sob as he dematerialized, leaving only the scent of grapes behind.

"Now then," Chiron turned to Naruto and Annabeth, completely ignoring Percy. "Annabeth, it's wonderful to see you safe and sound. I admit, I had feared for the worst, and you have no idea how relieved I am to see you alive and well." Indeed, his eyes were oddly bright, although his voice remained steady.

He cares, Naruto realized in a sudden revelation as he looked at Chiron in a new light. Despite his words, he truly cares for the campers.

"It's great to be back," Annabeth smiled, stepping in close and giving the centaur a big hug which he returned.

Once she stepped back, Chiron looked at Naruto. "The son of Artemis." he said before pausing.
"Wow. I had never expected to utter those words in conjunction in my lifetime. Anyway, you managed to survive your first quest - and a battle against Atlas himself, no less. Well done."

Naruto grinned. "Thanks. And, umm," he continued guiltily, "Sorry for deceiving you and everything. For what it's worth, it left a bad taste in my mouth."

"No hard feelings," Chiron smiled reassuringly.

"Hey, by the way, where are the Hunters?" Naruto asked.

"They're gone already," Chiron responded. "Artemis picked them up. They even beat their old record in how fast they packed up and left. Ah, yes, that reminds me. Now that Thalia is a Hunter, you are undoubtedly the child of the prophecy, Percy. Make sure to train hard."

"I will," Percy said determinedly.

"Good. Now then, there are still a few hours left until morning. I suggest you all rest. Have a good night."

With that, the conversation came to an end. They said their good nights and began walking back to their respective cabins.

"Oh, and Naruto?" Chiron called.

Naruto looked back. "Yeah?"

Chiron suddenly looked very sheepish. "I, umm, apologize for question three of my pop quiz. At the time, it seemed prudent to ask, but in retrospect... it was in very bad taste."

Naruto laughed. "No worries. Good night, Chiron."

Chiron smiled. "Good night, Naruto."

What question? Kurama suddenly asked.

Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

As he walked towards the Artemis cabin, Naruto's thoughts turned over to Nico. He really hoped Nico was alright and well. In the short time he had known him, Nico had grown on him.

Tomorrow, Naruto decided. Tomorrow he'll make sure that Hades wasn't mistreating Nico. Even if he had to storm the Underworld himself.

XxX

"Now I know you're probably scared," the god of the dead said soothingly. "But I promise you, I'm nowhere as terrible as I'm made out to be. Hell, I barely even interacted with demigods back in the old days. I did nothing to warrant my name being made into a curse word."

Nico just continued screaming.

Hades sighed. "Would you kindly cease your infernal screaming? Gods, I know souls suffering through the worst pain imaginable who don't scream as loudly as you do - no, seriously, shut up."

And suddenly, Nico shut up. He didn't make the conscious decision to. It simply happened. Hades told him to shut up, and so he shut up.

In his stunned state, Nico blurted out the first thing that came to mind. "That's so cool!"

Hades blinked genially. "Pardon me?"

"You have mind control!" Nico exclaimed.

"It's not exactly mind control, per se."

"Subjugation of Will then. Your card never mentioned any of this!"

Hades tilted his head. "My... card?"

"In Mythomagic," Nico explained enthusiastically. "Hades, the Living Shadow, the Lord of the Dead. Defense 3000, magic 5300, physical attack 4000. Full resistance to all undead. Passive: Revenge of the Shadows. If the enemy attacks first, then gain 1000 attack damage on the next attack. Ultimate Ability: At One with the Shadows. Sacrifice all actions during one turn to turn into a shadow to negate all physical and magical damage." He paused. "Wait..."

"What is it?" Hades inquired.

"If you're my dad..." Nico looked as if Christmas had come early. "Does that mean that I have access to all those abilities as well?" he asked with hope shining in his eyes.

Hades scoffed. "What? Of course not."

Nico deflated immediately.

"You'll have far more than that," Hades continued. "I don't know who created my card, but clearly they didn't do a good job of it."

"More? No way..." Nico breathed. "What else can I do?"

Hades smiled. "We'll get to that later. For now, let's establish some ground rules. Rule number one: you will have no contact with anyone besides your sister - "

"What?!"

"You heard me. Rule number two - "

"No!" Nico said vehemently. "You can't do that!"

"I absolutely can."

"Well, okay, technically you can," Nico conceded. "But you shouldn't."

"Why not?"

"Because - because I have friends!" and dang it felt good to be able to finally say that. Nico couldn't help but smile at the reminder that he had finally, finally made friends. "I have friends I want to talk to, and play Mythomagic with, and... other stuff," he finished lamely, having realized that no, he didn't know what friends normally did with each other.

"Friends?" Hades raised an eyebrow. "Who? Naruto, the son of Artemis-?"

"Wait, the son of who?"

" - Perseus Jackson, the son of Poseidon? Connor and Travis Stoll, the sons of Hermes?" Hades continued. "Are they your friends?"

Nico nodded happily. "Yup!"

"Wrong," Hades said simply. "They were your friends. Now that they know that you are my son, however... I doubt they'll want to be near you any longer."

Nico frowned heavily. "What do you mean?"

"It is a burden you must bear as my son," Hades said with a tinge of regret in his dark eyes. "Shunned. Ostracized. Feared. I am universally disliked, and I'm afraid the prejudice will spread to you as well. For what it's worth, I never intended this to happen."

"No way," Nico shook his head. "They won't do that to me."

Hades raised an eyebrow. "Really?" he asked doubtfully.

Nico nodded with all the unshakeable faith and conviction of a young child. "Really."

Hades gazed at him for a long moment before shrugging. "Whatever. I tried. Don't say that I didn't warn you though. Anyway, for rule num - "

"Hey, where's my mom?" Nico suddenly asked, the thought having just occurred to him.

Hades froze midword, his composure briefly slipping as a dark look entered his eyes that caused Nico to instinctively draw back in fear. "Ah. That. She's dead."

Nico flinched. "You couldn't have delivered that news in a harsher way? Maybe try rubbing some salt in next time?"

"Such a sassy child," Hades mused absently, the dark look still present in his eyes. "Perhaps some time in the Fields of Punishment will mellow you out a bit."

Nico instantly fell silent. Defaulting to sarcasm was his natural instinct whenever he felt pain or sadness, but apparently it wasn't the smart thing to do with his dad.

"Umm... how did she die?" he ventured. Call him morbid, but he had to know. He had to know what happened to the woman who gave birth to him, the woman who taught him Italian, the woman whose voice he can still hear sometimes in his dreams in the form of a comforting lullaby.

"How did she die?" Hades repeated in a low voice. "You want to know how she died?" His face twisted in pain. "Your mother, Maria di Angelo, was one of the kindest women I've ever met. Whenever she smiled, she would brighten up the entire room. She never said a bad thing about anyone or anything. She loved both you and Bianca dearly, more than anything else in the world."

"Did she die protecting me and Bianca from monsters?"

Instantly, Nico knew that was the wrong thing to say as a suffocating aura exploded out from his father. The room shook as the earth itself resonated with Hades's fury. "Monsters?" Hades laughed darkly. "No. No, she died when our great and esteemed King of Olympus tried to kill you and your sister, and she was caught in the crossfire. Because of course destroying an entire hotel with a lightning bolt is the most effective way in killing just two children. Damn the casualties, am I right? Though I confess, I'm not even surprised," he said with a bitter smile. "His modus operandi does reflect himself, after all: loud, flashy, idiotic, and, in the end, completely useless because I managed to save you two."

As Hades spoke, Nico's expression grew progressively blanker and blanker until it resembled a porcelain mask. It took him a moment to realize that he was clenching his fists tightly enough to draw blood. There was a faint ringing noise in his ears as a foreign emotion welled up within him. He didn't recognize it at first, but once he identified it, he welcomed it with open arms, letting it wash over his mind.

Hatred.

Not the dislike he had for the bullies at Westover Hall. Not the annoyance he had with the teachers. Not the irritation he had with the general student population.

Pure, unadulterated hatred aimed towards the King of the Gods.

XxX

The inside of the Artemis cabin smelled like nature; the crisp morning air of a forest and the fresh scent of... Naruto sniffed the air. At least eighteen different species of trees. Wait, no, nineteen.

I swear... You, Yamato, and Kakashi are obsessed.

And underneath the smell of nature was the distinct girl smell - the lingering fragrance of perfume and soap as well as the particular scent that Naruto associated with girls. After living in Apollo's mansion for years, being in the Artemis cabin just felt... fundamentally different. Not bad, just different.

Naruto shrugged. Whatever. After taking a quick shower - needless to say, the Hunters had private showers in their cabin - he picked a random bed and collapsed, immediately falling asleep.

XxX

"Naruto," a voice murmured. "Wake up."

Naruto woke up immediately, sitting up and yawning. It took him a moment to register who had spoken. "Morning, mom," he grinned.

Artemis smiled back. "Good morning. I'm sorry for interrupting your sleep, but we need to go."

Naruto frowned. "What?"

"Zeus wishes to meet with you."

At those words, all traces of sleep vanished from Naruto's form as his eyes widened. "Wait, what? What does he want?"

"I do not know."

"Huh." Naruto shrugged. "Alright, let's go."

With a snap of her fingers, Naruto found himself in an unfamiliar room. Well, room wasn't the correct word. Palace was more apt. Judging by the white marble pillars and gleaming quartz floor as well as the lightning bolts crackling in the air and the distinct scent of ozone, this was Zeus's personal palace. Zeus was standing in front of them, an indecipherable expression on his face.

Outwardly, Naruto was calm. Inwardly, however...

Yo yo yo what's happening? Why am here? What's going on?! Kurama, help!

You ask me as if I know the answer.

Naruto stilled when he realized that Zeus was standing directly in front of him. Curse his height, damn it! Why did Zeus have to be so tall?

Zeus leaned down, scrutinizing him intently with unforgiving electric-blue eyes. Static electricity sparked in the air around them, crackling and arcing through invisible points in the air. The air itself smelled fresher as the King of Olympus began radiating his divine power, a heavy, commanding aura that could only be described as powerful.

Is he - Alright, he's on. Naruto, Killing Intent, now. Kurama growled. He thinks he can assert dominance over us? Think again, puny god.

You can have your dick measuring contest later! For now, can we please try our best to avoid causing an inter-deity incident?

"Naruto," Zeus said in a low voice, nearly a murmur. "The son of Artemis."

"Yo," Naruto said as he prepared for anything to happen. He could feel Kurama getting ready as well.

Zeus gazed at him for a long moment. Then a smile spread across his face and a twinkle appeared in his eye. "So, Artemis finally has a son. It's about time." He reached out and ruffled Naruto's hair, and Naruto was too shocked to stop him. "You've got guts, kid. It appears that silver eyes aren't the only thing you inherited from your mother."

Naruto blinked uncomprehendingly, his thoughts abruptly screeching to a halt.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Artemis doing a double take as well.

Kurama summarized the situation perfectly in just two words.

The fuck?

[Please Read: several scenes in previous chapters have been edited/deleted. Aphrodite didn't meet with the Hunters (deleted that scene), Naruto didn't say anything about "surpassing Kakashi-sensei level bullshit" (deleted all mentions of that). As well as several other assorted minor edits.]

I'm back!

An explanation is in order for why this chapter took two months. The reason is, well... I couldn't write anymore. I would type some words, then delete them immediately afterward - or, more commonly, be unable to type any words at all. Even getting two chapters out on my new story was a struggle. I don't know what happened, and quite frankly, it sucked. Fortunately, it seems to have passed, so I can start updating this story again. So for those of you wondering if this story is dead, it isn't, don't worry.

Thank you to everyone who reached out to me! It was heartwarming to see how many people enjoyed and cared about A Shinobi Among Monsters so much.

After I started writing again, I planned some new ideas and an arc. Aphrodite meeting with the Hunters would screw them all up, so I deleted it. And as for surpassing Kakashi-level bullshit... Alright, here's what happened. Halfway through writing chapter 12, I realized that Naruto bullshitting the gods like that wouldn't actually work out in the end for the plot or for the characterization of the gods, and it would only create more problems, so I was forced to scrap the idea, and as such Naruto was only able to utilize normal Kakashi bullshitting, question-avoiding techniques.

However... I had been wanting to write a Kakashi-in-PJO for quite some time now...

The first omake of this story. Not canon, obviously. Not meant to be taken seriously.

Naruto whirled around in surprise as the world shifted and suddenly Kakashi was standing in front of him, exiting a crack in the world. Beyond the crack, Naruto caught sight of a kaleidoscope of colors and dimensions. The portal quickly closed up.

"Kakashi-sensei?!" Naruto exclaimed in surprise. "What? How did you get here?"

"It's good to see you too," Kakashi replied with an eye-smile. "And as to how I got here... well, a certain Wizard helped me out."

Naruto's eyes widened. "A Wizard? With real magic?! Whoa." he paused. "Why would he help you?"

Kakashi shrugged. "To be honest, I don't even know. He just said something about interdimensional trolls having to stick together, and that he loved what I did to something called the CCG..." he shook his head. "That doesn't matter, however. What does matter is something that you said."

Naruto tilted his head confusedly.

"'I'm talking about Kakashi-sensei-level bullshit - no. To make this work, we'll have to surpass Kakashi-sensei.'" Kakashi quoted.

Naruto frowned. "That didn't happen."

"It didn't," Kakashi agreed, "But in another timeline, it did."

"I... don't know what you just said."

"That's fine, I didn't expect you to. However, here is my response." Kakashi closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Then he opened them again and spoke.

"Surpassing me?" Kakashi raised an eyebrow. "Bitch, please. If you think that you can somehow manage to surpass my level of bullshit, then you're high." He eye-smiled. "Let me show you how it's supposed to be done."

XxX

Presenting an AU in which instead of Naruto getting sent to the PJO verse, it was Kakashi. Heavens help them all.

"Let the annual Council meeting begin - hey, where's Kakashi?" Zeus frowned.

"I don't know," Apollo said with a frown. His eyes glowed golden briefly before his frown deepened. "I... I actually can't find him. At all."

The gods frowned at that.

"Let's wait until he gets here," Athena suggested.

The gods nodded.

XxX

Three hours later.

Kakashi strolled into the throne room with a slight slouch, his hands in his pockets. "Hello!" he greeted with a two-fingered salute.

Thunder boomed overhead.

"You're late," Zeus growled.

Kakashi eye-smiled. "Maa, sorry I'm late! I got lost on the road of life, and while on the road, a black cat crossed my path so I had to turn back around, and then I saw a grandmother crossing the road, so I had to help her out."

"... is that all?" Zeus asked.

"Nope!" Kakashi answered cheerfully. "And then after that, I turned around again and I saw the black cat again. But it wasn't moving. On closer inspection, I realized that its metabolic processes were history."

Apollo grinned. "Nice."

"What do you mean by that?" Demeter asked obliviously.

Kakashi and Apollo both stared at her.

"Uncultured," Kakashi said, shaking his head.

"Indeed," Apollo agreed.

"And since the black cat was dead, I was able to forge on once more. And finally, I reached Olympus."

Kakashi eye-smiled. "And that's why I'm late."

Zeus's eye twitched.

XxX

"... and so, the Council of the Gods demands you to reveal what chakra is," Zeus commanded.

Silence.

"Kakashi?" Hermes spoke up in concern when the shinobi didn't respond.

Still no response.

"Kakashi!" Zeus boomed.

Kakashi looked at him, a bored expression on his face. "I'm sorry, did you just say something?"

Zeus trembled in barely suppressed rage.

XxX

"Maa, so you wish to know what chakra is?" Kakashi swept his gaze across the throne room, the gods leaning forward in anticipation. "Very well. I shall tell you."

"Finally," Athena muttered.

"The reason why you have never heard of chakra before is because Chaos himself erased all records of its existence," Kakashi said.

Zeus's eyes widened as the gods shifted uncomfortably. "C-Chaos? What does he have to do with anything?"

Kakashi smirked. "Everything. For you see... I am not of the Greek Pantheon."

"Impossible," Athena replied instantly. "We are the only gods in existence."

"Maa, it's cute how you think that," Kakashi chuckled. "Indeed, currently only the Greek pantheon of gods exist in this world. But it wasn't like that eons ago. Long before the Olympians, long before even the Titans, a single god of immense power co-existed alongside the primordial gods - Tartarus, Ouranos, Gaea, Chaos. However..." he shrugged. "They didn't get along, needless to say. And in the end, my pantheon decided to leave.

"Leave?" Artemis asked. "To where?"

"Below Ouranos is Gaea. Below Gaea is Tartarus. Below Tartarus is Chaos." Kakashi grinned. "And what is below Chaos?"

"Nothing," Athena answered.

Kakashi chuckled again. "Wrong. Below Chaos is the realm of the Sasukeisworsethantrashthelittlefucker, my homeland. My pantheon left and didn't look back. And since then, we have had no contact with any of you."

Zeus narrowed his eyes. "Do you seriously expect me to believe such an outlandish tale?"

Kakashi's eyes flickered. "Do you doubt me? Do you have a better explanation as to where chakra came from?"

Zeus hesitated. "No, but - "

"Then there you have it," Kakashi announced with a finality.

"What pantheon were you a part of?" Athena inquired.

Kakashi paused. "You realize that you all are only known as the 'Greek' pantheon because you guys lived in Greece and the general Mediterranean area, right? My pantheon existed before any landmasses on Gaea could even be named."

"I'm aware of that, but you must call yourselves something, correct?"

Kakashi tilted his head. "Fair enough. Our pantheon's name is Danzosucks. It's a monotheistic pantheon, with only a single deity in it."

"Who?" Zeus demanded.

Kakashi eye-smiled. "The Holy Log, of course."

"The what." Zeus said blankly.

"And you all must be curious as to why, three years ago, I crossed over into this world once more," Kakashi continued. "The reason is simple. For you see, I am the Holy Log Pope. And I was sent here to spread the message and hope of the Holy Log."

A silence descended upon the room.

"And that's what chakra is," Kakashi finished with a shit-eating grin underneath his mask.

"I... see," Athena said uncomprehendingly. "Thank you. Umm... it's time to debate on whether or not to blast him."

Artemis's hands shot up. "What are your opinions of trees and forests?" she asked, her silver eyes focusing intently on him.

"They're the greatest thing in the world," Kakashi replied without missing a beat.

"I vouch for him," Artemis immediately said.

"Now hold on a minute," Ares began angrily -

And so the Great Debate began. Centuries later, minor gods and demigods would speak of this event only in whispers, their voices filled with awe and fear. The argument had practically torn the world apart as the elements itself battled against each other.

Kakashi watched the gods argue amongst themselves with great amusement. Ah, well. Looks like they had forgotten about him.

He reached into his kunai pouch, pulled out a familiar orange book, and began to read...

XxX

Unsurprisingly, Athena noticed him first. "Are you reading while the Council is talking?" she asked incredulously.

Kakashi glanced up. "Of course!" he beamed.

"What could possibly be so important that you would read it in front of the Olympians?" Zeus demanded.

"I had just reached the part where..." Kakashi glanced over at Percy, Bianca, Zoe, and Thalia. "Well, let's just say that it was a really good part, and I wanted to find out what's next."

"What is that book?" Hermes asked.

"Pure art," Kakashi answered.

"It's... it's porn," Aphrodite breathed in awe. "You're reading porn during a Council meeting."

"What? Is your domain malfunctioning?" Athena frowned at Aphrodite. "There's no way he's actually reading porn - "

"Nah, she's totally right," Kakashi eye-smiled. "It's erotica literature."

Silence.

"Blast him?" Zeus suggested.

"Blast him," came the voices of agreement of everyone, even Artemis, who was looking at him disdainfully.

Kakashi simply chuckled as he lifted his headband before both his eyes morphed into Mangekyou Sharingans - he only kept his eye covered as a tribute to Obito.

"Bring it," Kakashi smirked. "It's been a while since I've gone all-out."

The battle that took place that day was one straight out of a legend.

XxX

"What the fuck." Naruto said blankly.

Kakashi smirked. "Exactly."

"It... it appears I still have a lot to learn," Naruto looked at Kakashi in awe. "Teach me, sensei, in the art of bullshit."

"With pleasure."

Thanks for reading!