There is no comparison between that which is lost by not succeeding and that which is lost by not trying. - Francis Bacon

Jyn stumbled as she tried to help Cassian make the walk toward the shore. He was in pain, she could tell, but he didn't make a sound when she stumbled or when she gripped him too tightly. They both watched as the beam from the Death Star struck the planet and the force of the blast nearly knocked them both off of their feet. They had escaped this deadly space station once but there wouldn't be a second time. Now, all they could do was make it to the beach as they watched the wave of fire start to approach them. The plans got through, they had to, there wasn't any other option and she refused to think if they didn't. She refused to think that all of her new friends had died for nothing.

They got to the beach and Jyn did her best to help Cassian to the ground but he stumbled and fell. She let her hand linger on his back as she stared out at the wave of fire and destruction. Cassian was breathing hard and Jyn thought she could see a little blood on his teeth. He fell and was probably bleeding internally. Even if a ship managed to save them she didn't think he had long. It took a second or two for Cassian to slow down his breathing and she could feel him looking at her.

"Your father would be proud of you, Jyn," he said softly and all of the walls Jyn had built around her came crumbling down. She smiled at him but couldn't find the words to tell him how much that meant to her. She always considered herself a woman of action and this time action felt like the right way to go. Jyn couldn't find the words to tell him how close she felt to him in the short time they have known each other. She couldn't find the words to tell him that she wished they had more time to get to know each other. She couldn't find the words to tell him that if she had regrets it was refusing to let people know her or to know other people. She couldn't find those words so she pulled Cassian into her arms and held him.

If it hurt Cassian didn't say though it probably didn't matter. The wave was approaching and they were going to die soon anyway. She felt him bury his face in her shoulder, her neck, and she could feel him relax in her arms. It was like the pressure of the rebellion and the war just faded away because it didn't really matter in these last moments. Cassian was looking away from the blast and hiding his face in her skin but Jyn refused to. This wave of destruction was her family legacy and she needed to meet it head-on. She needed to see it even as it blinded her. She held onto Cassian a little tighter and didn't let the tears fall. The plans got out, their mission was a success, and the Alliance would find a way to stop this thing. Her name, his name, all of their names would be lost to history but if the Death Star was stopped it was worth it. It had to be worth it.

The wave approached and Jyn felt no more pain.

Jyn woke up in a panic and realized that she was alive which didn't make any sense. She remembered the wave from the blast hitting her and Cassian. She remembered the flash of pain and then nothing. So why was she in the tiny room the Alliance gave her to sleep in the night before the mission. Jyn touched her body and didn't feel any wounds. What happened? Did she go into a bacta tank? She didn't think she was worth a tank but they must have. There was no other explanation for why she didn't have wounds on her.

Then she remembered Cassian in her arms, how hurt he was, and how they didn't actually know if the plans went through. Jyn threw the covered off of the bed and ran out the door. She was still in her sleep clothes but she didn't care. She needed to know if the mission was a success and she needed to know if Cassian was still alive. Jyn raced through the base until she got to the hanger and looked around. There seemed to be a lot of ships still which didn't make sense. She thought the Alliance had fought with them and lost ships. No one seemed to be in mourning or even working that hard. In fact, they all seemed rather subdued which didn't make any sense to her. If they had the plans then they should be going after the Death Star. If they didn't get the plans then they should be panicking.

"Jyn Erso, what are you doing?" an all too familiar robotic voice asked her. Jyn turned around and stared at Kaytoo. He somehow looked the same as he did before the mission. The only explanation was that he must have had a backup somewhere and he got rebooted.

"Kay, you're looking better," she said. "What happened to the plans? Where is Cassian?"

"Jyn Erso, you're not making any sense," Kay said.

"What do you mean? How can you act like nothing has happened? We went on the mission to get the plans, did they go through? Cassian was hurt and I want to know if he's okay," Jyn said. "I must have spent some time in a bacta tank since all my wounds are healed but Cassian was pretty bad off. Where is he?" Kay did not reply; instead, he just stood there and didn't move. If she tried to move he would stand in front of her and try to stop her. She thought they were beyond this. She thought they had changed now that the mission was done but it appeared not. Jyn was about to threaten to put her foot in his face when someone came running into the room.

It was Cassian and he was fine. His hair was a mess like had just rolled out of bed. His clothes looked like sleep clothes but he was wearing his brown jacket over them and his boots were untied. Jyn only just realized that she wasn't wearing shoes at all and her shorts and tank top weren't exactly the ideal thing to be running around a base in. Her heart stuttered as she looked at him and realized that he was okay. Maybe she'd been out longer than she thought.

"Cassian, good, you are here. Jyn Erso appears confused," Kay said.

"Cassian, you're okay," she said as she walked toward him. She wanted to hug him but he was holding himself strangely. Maybe he was still hurting. "What happened to the plans?"

"The plans," Cassian said as he looked at her. "The plans are on Scarif, Jyn."

"I know. We went to get them and now we're back here. Someone must have saved us at the last minute. Did they go through or not?" she asked and Jyn could not understand why no one was telling her what happened to the plans. She knew she wasn't Alliance but she went to Scarif. That had to be enough.

"Jyn, we haven't gone to Scarif yet," Cassian said slowly like he was talking to a mad person. He nodded over her shoulder and she was about to scold him for being an asshole and lying to her when she looked. Rogue One was still sitting in the landing bay and didn't appear to have a scratch on it. That didn't make any sense. She could have sworn someone said the ship blew up. She could have sworn that the ship was gone so how was it just sitting there like nothing had happened. Jyn nearly jumped out of her own skin when Cassian placed his hands on her upper arms. She turned and stared at him. He was a spy, a liar, but he looked so earnest and worried at that moment. He wasn't lying. "Jyn, I think you had a nightmare. About the mission. I've had flashbacks before and they seemed very real. I've been where you're standing right now thinking something had just happened when it hadn't but we haven't left yet. We haven't gone to Scarif to get the Death Star plans. We leave in about ten hours."

"Perhaps she has suffered a head injury and we should leave her here," Kay said. Cassian said something to Kay in a language she didn't understand and she couldn't handle this. A dream? There was no possible way that was a dream. It felt so real. The pain she felt when she twisted her knee felt real. The jolt of fear when she thought she was going to fall felt real. Cassian in her arms as he bled out and they burned alive felt so real.

Jyn jerked away from Cassian and raced back to her room. She didn't want him to follow her, it was the last thing she wanted because she wasn't sure what she was going to do if they were alone. Jyn thought about the last moments on the beach when she thought about her regrets with him and how she wished she had the time to get to know him better. If she had the time then who knows what she would do. Jyn hugged her legs to her chest and rested her chin against her knees. She could hear someone talking just outside of the door but they didn't try to come in. Jyn knew she should go get food, try to sleep some more because they had a mission to do but she didn't want to. She just wanted to sit.

Cassian commed her when it was time to leave and Jyn got dressed quickly. She met up with Cassian in the hanger and the two of them walked toward the ship. It was exactly like her dream and Jyn didn't quite know what to do with that. It was a dream, it had to be a dream, there wasn't any other explanation.

When she got into the ship she repeated the same words from the dream. When they tried to take off Bodhi gave the same callsign and by now Jyn was trying to hide the way she was panicking. There wasn't a lot of free space in the ship but she needed some time alone and a storage closet would do. It felt weak to hug her legs to her chest and rest her chin on her knees but all of this was really starting to get to her in a way that she couldn't quite explain. She hoped everyone would leave her alone but the door opened not long after she settled down to panic and it was Cassian. He looked down at her, stepped into the storage closet, and let the door close behind him. There wasn't much room so their shoulders and hips were touching when he sat down with her.

"It was a dream," Jyn said when it became obvious that Cassian wasn't going to tell her what was going on. "It was a dream so why is everything happening the way I saw it?"

"I'm not a believer the way that Chirrut is but there are some things in the universe that can't be explained," Cassian said. "You asked me if the plans went through you're telling me you saw us get them. You also asked me if I was hurt and were looking at yourself like you were expecting us to be hurt. We got hurt in your dream?"

"No," Jyn said. "We didn't just get hurt. We died. We both died."

"And knowing that it could happen in your dream do you want to turn back? Do you want to stop?" he asked.

"No," Jyn said without hesitation. "This mission needs to happen and I won't walk away from it."

"Then it was just a dream," Cassian said with a shrug. "We'll get to Scarif and do our best to make it a reality no matter what the cost. We both knew there was a very good chance that we wouldn't come back from this." Jyn nodded and she thought about regrets and how she had a few when it came to Cassian. He sat with her in that closet even though it was far too small for him and didn't seem bothered by it.

"I wanted to apologize," Jyn said. "For what I said on Eadu. You aren't a stormtrooper and you tried to save my father. You saved me because I wasn't going to leave him."

"I've done things that I'm not proud of for the cause," Cassian said carefully. "But I don't have any regrets when it comes to you. I'm glad I went back for you on Jedha and I'm glad I went back on Eadu." He glanced at her and offered a small smile. "There's nothing to forgive." Cassian went to push himself to his feet but Jyn reached out and took his hand.

"Stay, just for a little longer, and then we can leave together," she said.

"The men are going to think we were having one last go in here," Cassian said but he settled back down without hesitating. Jyn flushed red but laughed.

"I told you Cassian; we're going to die. So what does it matter what they think?" she said. Cassian smiled and let his head rest against the wall. He closed his eyes but didn't release her hand. Jyn held onto him until she was ready to go out there and face everything again.

They got through the shield and onto the ground the same way they did the last time. Jyn wasn't focused but a nod from Cassian and they were going into the base. It was all the same and sometimes she even felt like she was walking in the same place at the exact same time. It all happened again; all the good and all of the bad. This time she saw the look of devastation on Cassian's face when Kay decided to stay behind so they could get away. This time she saw the blaster bolt that made him lose his grip and she screamed his name as he fell. He was there again at the dish killing Krennic for her just like she knew he would be. Cassian leaned into her but this time he didn't ask if she thought anyone was listening because he already knew. He knew because she told him.

This time Jyn let herself stand a little closer to Cassian as they went back down to the ground. This time she reached forward and brushed some of his dark hair from his eyes and he even smiled at her a little. They stumbled as they walked to the beach and Jyn watched as the wave once again approached. Cassian told her that her father would be proud of her and Jyn thought about regrets. She thought about how she wished she had more time in her dream and she wasn't going to let this reality be any different. So instead of letting Cassian take her hand she leaned forward and kissed him.

"I had regrets in my dream," Jyn whispered as she remained close to him. "I didn't want them in real life." Cassian's hand was shaking when he reached up and touched her cheek. He was dying and even with the wave of death coming for them he was so weak. Jyn shifted her weight and helped Cassian lie down in the sand on the beach. He winced and she could see blood staining his clothes from the blaster bolt that nearly killed him. Jyn was careful not to put any of her weight on his broken body but she needed to be closer. She needed to feel him beneath her the same way she needed him to hold onto her in the dream.

Jyn winced as she moved to straddle his lips as her knee screamed at her. Cassian's hands came out and settled on her hips to steady her and then just didn't leave. It hurt but she leaned forward so they were nearly touching and rested most of her weight on her arms.

"Thank you for being here with me," Jyn whispered.

"Thank you for trusting me enough to come with you," Cassian replied. She wasn't sure what else there was to say and the wave was getting closer. They didn't have a lot of time and she wanted to kiss him again. This time the kiss wasn't soft or chase; this time she wanted to taste him. There was blood on his teeth and on his tongue but Jyn tried to ignore it to focus on how he felt against her. They both winced whenever they moved their broken bodies in a way that didn't agree with them but Cassian didn't seem to care. He pulled her closer and Jyn had no choice but to rest some of her weight on him. If he didn't care she didn't see why she should. They were both about to die so what did it matter.

His hair was maddening and Jyn had to get her fingers in it. It was dirty, a little greasy, and soaked with sweat and she loved having it in her fingers. Cassian reached up and pulled her own hair from the pun and Jyn felt wild as she lay there on the beach, the wind in her hair, as a wave of death raced at them. Unlike the dream where she watched the wave approach this time she didn't. She'd been looking down her whole life but this time she wanted to look down at someone. Jyn wanted to be close to another human being in her final moments. She rolled her hips against Cassian's, he bit down on her lower lip, and they were still kissing when the wave approached.

Jyn woke up and realized that she was once again in the same room on Yavin. She was in the same clothes as she was the night before they went to Scarif. She didn't panic this time; this time she stood up and silently made her way through the base until she got to the hanger and she could see outside. Rogue One was still sitting there, waiting for her crew, and Jyn realized that the world was so much more strange than she ever could have predicted. She touched the crystal around her neck and wandered back to her room without meeting Kay or anyone else in the hallways. She went back to her room, sat down on her bed, and panicked silently.

"Okay," Jyn said out loud because she needed to voice this insanity if she was ever going to make sense of it. "I could be dead and this is me suffering in the afterlife for my misdeeds. There were plenty of them and it wouldn't be that far off." The room didn't hold any answers for her and she held into the crystal hoping that it could give some sort of signal. "Or, I'm being made to relive the mission for some reason. Something is making me go back to Scarif again and again." For the first time in a long time, the voice of her mother echoed in her mind. 'Trust the Force,' her mother said right before she threw herself in front of a blaster bolt. There was something in the world, she saw it when she watched Chirrut fight, but could that be the Force? Could the Force be the thing that was making her relive one of the worst days of her life?

Jyn settled down on the bed, closed her eyes, and waited for the comm from Cassian that she knew was coming. She did things differently the second time around, she kissed Cassian, and got to have him for only a brief few moments. They were still on the beach and the wave still came but she changed it just a little. If she was being forced to relive this day maybe she could change it. Maybe she could save Cassian.

Maybe, Jyn thought, she could save them all.