Losing Control

As I leaned on the counter of Newton's Olympic Outfitters watching the rain sleeting down in sheets I couldn't help but think of Edward out in the pouring rain. He and his family were spending the day hunting about two hours north of Forks where the community there was overrun with deer and in need of population control. I was uncomfortable just thinking of them hunting in the rain, I knew I was putting my human needs and delicacies on a group of immortals but still I supressed a shudder. Normally when Edward went out to hunt he would make Alice stay behind to 'babysit' me so to speak.

Edward didn't trust my best friend (and werewolf) Jacob Black and he knew that that was who I wanted to spend my time with most in the world when he was gone. After Edward went away Jacob had been the one thing to hold me together and an unbreakable bond was formed. Edward had an issue with Jacob and how he didn't try to hide his feelings for me, but mostly his issue was with the fact that Jacob was a werewolf and in his opinion that made him unpredictable and dangerous.

In all fairness his fears were not unfounded when you looked at what happened with Sam (the packs leader and first wolf) and Emily. In Sam's earliest days as a wolf when he was still learning to control his shifting he had lost his temper and accidentally shifted into a wolf within proximity of the girl he imprinted on- the love of his life, Emily. Ever since that day she had been left disfigured with three long scars running down the right side of her face and arm.

Edward feared that by being around werewolves I may run the same risks and could suffer the same fate. He didn't take into consideration the fact that Sam had been alone in this supernatural world, no one to help teach him and guide him. He didn't know how to control his anger back then- but he learned. He learned and then taught all of the werewolves that came after him, he taught them about their new lives, how to control themselves and he also kept them in line.

Edward used to leave Alice to watch after me to make sure that I didn't make my way out to La Push- the native reservation that Jacob and the rest of his pack lived on. This arrangement had changed recently when I made it clear that he couldn't keep me from my friend, this in itself hadn't been enough to assent but when I began taking risks to get to Jacob he had started to soften to the idea. He finally came around when the dangerous vampire Victoria had shown back up to exact her revenge on Edward by killing me.

Edward and Jacob had come to a tentative arrangement based on the one thing they agreed upon- keeping me safe. They agreed that when Edward was away hunting, the safest place in the world for me was on the reserve surrounded by the vampire's natural enemy- the werewolf. And with a massive ever-expanding pack surrounding me in La Push, they knew that there was no chance one vampire would risk coming there to get to me- especially a vampire with the assumed ability of self-preservation.

'Why don't you go home Bella?' Mrs. Newton's voice broke through my reverie.

'Huh?' I asked, confused.

'It's so slow today, I can hold down the fort. I don't think that we will be getting too many more customers.' She said to me.

'Are you sure?' I asked surprised.

'Absolutely, I'm sure there's something you'd rather do with your Saturday than sit here bored out of your mind.' She said laughing.

'Thanks Mrs. Newton, I really appreciate that, is there anything you want me to do before I go?' I asked.

'Nope, I'm all good, you get out of here, I'll see you on Tuesday.' I took off my fluorescent yellow and orange vest and left it behind the counter at her words.

'I'll see you then!' I said grabbing my keys and heading for my truck.

I ran through the rain to get to my truck across the parking lot, the ten second run through the torrential downpour was enough to soak completely through my clothes and leave me shivering as I climbed into the cab of my truck. I quickly turned the key in the ignition and the truck loudly roared to life. I cranked the heat even though it was the end of August and warmed myself by the heaters for a few minutes before starting the drive to La Push.

I pulled into Jacob's driveway just after noon, three hours earlier than expected. I turned off the engine and ran the 30 feet to his house, knocked on his door and huddled over the porch overhang while I waited for him to answer the door.

I was violently shivering again by the time the door swung open to reveal Jacob Black standing in the doorway in a pair of black shorts and a white t-shirt.

'Shit Bella, get inside.' He said grabbing me by the wrist and pulling me inside. 'Come here.'

He dragged me by the wrist down to his bedroom and rummaged in his dresser drawers as I stood in the middle of the room shivering.

'You weren't supposed to be here until the rain stopped.' He said pulling out a pair of grey sweat pants and throwing them at me, I just managed to catch them.

'M-m-m-m-Mrs. N-n-newton let me g-g-go early.' I barely managed to get out between my chattering teeth.

'Ah hah.' He said pulling a blue t-shirt out with a logo on it I didn't recognise and this time placing it in my hands. He walked past me to the bathroom, grabbed a dry towel, came back and placed in on top of the growing pile of material in my arms. 'Get dressed into these and we'll put your clothes in the dryer.' He said as he left the room, closing the door behind him.

I dumped the load in my arms onto his bed and peeled my soaking wet clothes off, dropping them to the floor. I quickly dried myself off with the towel and threw on the clothes Jacob gave me. Both were far too large for me but I was able to cinch the waistband of the sweatpants enough to keep them on my hips. Both of these clothing items were clearly from before Jacob transitioned to a werewolf and hit his supernatural growth spurt, I knew that there was no way his clothes now would fit me.

I bent at the waist and let my hair dangle downwards; I then wrapped my hair up tightly with the towel and picked up my clothes. I opened the door and Jacob was ready with his hand out to take my clothes. I handed them to him and he wordlessly took them to the laundry room as I headed to the living room and sat on the couch still shivering but less violently.

After a moment or two Jacob returned and slung a blanket over my shoulders and pulled up a portable space heater and turned it on full blast aimed at me. He came to sit next to me and put his arm around me. 'Alright Bells, let's get you warmed up.' He said and I leaned into his unnatural heat.

'Thanks Jacob.' I said, this time my chattering wasn't enough to impede my speech.

'Don't mention it.' He said casually grabbing the TV remote and turning the old set to life.

'Where's Billy?' I asked him.

'He's at Old Quil's place discussing the next council meeting.' He told me.

I was suddenly very struck by how similar this situation was to a few months ago, very similar but so incredibly different. It was the same in the fact that I'm sitting in his clothes on his couch soaking wet being warmed with the same blanket and space heater, different in the fact that the last time I ended up here it was because my life was completely in shambles. I had jumped off a cliff just to feel some glimpse of Edward's love and concern and ended up almost dying because of it, the difference in my life between then and now was striking.

I couldn't help but feel how lucky I was compared to then, I had Edward back in my life- not only that but I was engaged to him. I also had all of the Cullen's and I got to keep Jacob- at least for now. I almost felt spoiled. I realised then that I was waiting for the other shoe to drop; I didn't feel that I deserved to have all of this good in my life, when things were this good they generally tended to go south quickly and dramatically. I tried not to think too hard about this and to just enjoy it while it lasted else I'd be consumed by the anxiety.

The biggest risk to my safety and happiness was of course Victoria. I knew that that situation would come to a head soon enough but I had to believe that I would be protected with the force of a werewolf pack and a vampire coven behind me.

The afternoon passed fairly quickly as we sat on the couch together me curled in the blanket with the heat of the space heater washing over me leaving me warm and relaxed. Right around 3pm the rain started to peter out slowly until it stopped just before 4.

'Rain's finally done.' Jacob said. 'I'm sure your clothes are dry now, do you feel like going for a walk?'

'That sounds great.' I said stretching, and it did after almost four hours sitting on the couch- I had gotten stiff.

We both got up and Jacob grabbed my clothes from the dryer, I grabbed them on the way to his room and passed him the almost dry towel in return. I slipped his clothes off and put them in the hamper he kept by the bedroom door and put my now thankfully dry clothes back on. I went to his bathroom and used the brush I found on the counter to quickly pull through my hair.

He passed me what must have been an old white hooded sweater of his (complete with grease stains from his garage) and I pulled it over my head, it came almost down to my knees but I was grateful. Even now that the rain had stopped, the day had a cool edge to it- there was a breeze that cut clean through the thin long sleeve shirt and jeans that I wore to work that day.

Of course he wore nothing more than the t-shirt and shorts he had answered the door with when I had showed up hours ago. We walked from the house and just walking next to him I could feel the heat radiating off of him, he was impervious to the cold. We chatted lightly as we walked down the road from his house to the beach. That was one thing that I envied him for was his proximity to the beach, it was just a ten minute walk from his door to the ocean.

The water seemed almost angry today, swelling with the force of the storm that had spent the better part of the day battering it. Because of this we weren't able to get as close as we usually did with the size of the waves crashing to the beach, it was an impressive sight to behold. We walked up and down the beach a couple of times discussing what's been going on with the pack and what's been going on in my life and in Forks and eventually, inevitably, we came to my upcoming nuptials.

'So… you and Edward, it's official now, huh?' he asked me with forced nonchalance.

I sighed, we were approaching the huge driftwood log that we often used as a bench and instead of answering I made my way over to it and sat down, Jacob followed suit.

'Yes Jacob.' I said simply.

'I just…' he said building up to what was bound to be an uncomfortable conversation. 'I just want to make sure that you've explored every other option available to you.' He finished.

'Jacob, please don't do this again.' I pleaded with him having had this conversation too many times now to count.

'Bella there are so many things that Edward can't give to you, I don't want you to miss out on so many human things!' he was quickly standing again, his earlier reluctance to speak about this gone.

'Jacob-' I started to say but he cut me off.

'Don't Bella. Don't even try to say that he can. He can't grow old with you, he can't give you babies. There's so much that you won't be able to experience because of him!' He was pacing in front of me now.

'So who should I be with then Jacob, Mike Newton? Because you sure can't grow old with me.' I was on my feet now too.

'Mike Newton…' He scoffed 'I can grow old with you; I would just have to stop phasing. Which I would do if that's what you wanted me to do… Edward couldn't do that for you.' He had taken me by the shoulders now that I was standing.

'You would not stop phasing for me. You might want to but being a wolf is as much a part of you as being a human is.' I said to him gently. 'Whether I'm with you or Edward and I grow old I will do it alone.'

He let go of my shoulders 'Well what about babies Bella?' he started pacing again 'You know that he could never give you kids.'

'Jacob, you know that I don't want kids.' I said to him.

'Not yet, but one day you might. What about that bloodsucker, the one that hates you.' He said.

'Rosalie.' I sighed.

'Yeah her, she has everything but she isn't happy because she can't have babies. One day that will be you Bella.' He said to me.

'Neither of us can know that, I might but I might not. And if I do want babies one day then I will deal with it. Maybe I'll adopt!' I said trying to lighten the mood.

'What about after the wedding Bella, you can't even have a proper honeymoon for God's sake!' He just about yelled at me looking me in the face and I recoiled, hurt.

'I absolutely can have a real honeymoon.' I responded too quickly without thinking. I was angry, how dare he make a comment like that- he had no right.

His response wasn't what I expected, I expected a rash, aggressive and angry response but instead he went perfectly still except for the slight trembling in his body that sent a shiver down my spine.

'What do you mean' He said very slowly with no inflection in his voice 'that you can have a real honeymoon?'

'Jacob, it's none of your damn business what Edward and I do.' I said forcefully.

'That's a sick joke Bella, he will kill you.' He was still working very hard to control his anger.

'No he won't Jacob, he would never hurt me.' I said to him neutrally trying to calm him down.

The shaking increased after this 'He won't be able to control himself Bella! HE WILL KILL YOU!' He screamed at me with such rage I had never seen from him. I knew immediately that ironically it was Jacob that had no control of himself and I found that for the first time I was scared of him.

The shaking had increased past the point of no return; I knew he wouldn't be able to bring himself back from the precipice. I did the only thing I could, I turned to run. I was far too close to him to be safe when he transitioned into a wolf and all I knew was that I had to get away, get far away quickly. Unfortunately even as I ran I knew I had no chance of escaping his reach in time.