Recently got back into Bayonetta, fell in love all over again. And then my crazy, twisted brain had the idea to crossover with my favorite ninja. This is the result, your mileage may vary. Let's dance, boys!

In a Universe of light and dark, where perception is reality…

The Gates of Hell was infamous for being possibly the seediest bar in the city. The clientele was almost exclusively crooks, members of the outfit or black market, and mercenaries and hitmen and other criminals for hire. Then, of course, were the rumors about the owner, Rodin. Some called him the most notorious arms dealer in the world. Some insisted the worst he could do was mix a mean martini. Some said that he wasn't even human, but some kind of immortal creature dallying with the mortals for his own amusement.

Whatever you believed, the fact remained that Rodin was not a man to mess with. The club needed no bouncer, for the massive man's reputation alone kept the patrons from starting anything. Newcomers were told by professional tough guys that the man could punch through a concrete wall like it wasn't even there. Anyone who tested the patience of the bartender/proprietor was lucky if he (or she, Rodin was gender-blind that way) had the ability to walk out of the bar after Rodin was through with them.

At the moment, the bar was empty. There was no sound but for the crackling tunes coming from an antique gramophone and the clinking of ice as Rodin mixed himself a drink. The man seemed utterly unconcerned that his bar was empty during happy hour. And when the whole building shook and trembled as if bombs were going off outside, he didn't so much as blink. He hadn't earned the moniker 'the Infinite One' by jumping at loud noises. Rodin poured the cocktail out of the mixer into a glass, taking a look up at the frescoed ceiling. The Trinity of Realities, painted by none other than Rodin himself. Rodin chuckled, and shotgunned the whole drink in one gulp.

"Well, shit. Guess I'm never getting my money from Enzo now."

At that moment, a red portal appeared on the floor. With a flash of blue light, two women appeared out of it.

They were both radiant beauties, possessing the kind of glamour that by every right belonged on the airbrushed covers of a magazine. Their faces appeared to be sculpted by a master in the image of angels, while their bodies were decidedly built for sin. Perfectly proportionate breasts were matched only by wide, sensual hips and legs that went on for miles. Both wore high heels and gloves, while the rest of their attire appeared to be bodysuits the same color as their respective hairs. In fact, if one looked closely, their bodysuits were actually made out of their own hair. For accessories, both had glasses in elegant frames, and each had a large pocketwatch settled over their hearts.

But their strange and exotic beauty would not be the first thing anyone would notice about them at the moment. Both the black-haired and white-haired woman looked like they'd just stumbled out of a warzone. There were cuts all over their bodies, splitting their bodysuits and leaving bloody rents in their flesh. Ash clung to them like they'd walked through a burning building. And based on how they carried themselves and leant against each other, they both had at least one broken bone.

They walked to the bar, where Rodin gave an ironic grin. "Well, if it isn't my two favorite customers. Bayonetta, Jeanne, what can I do for you?"

"Two Mega Green Herb Lollipops to start," the black-haired one, Bayonetta, grit out, slapping a hand on the counter and magically transferring the proper amount of Halos, the only currency Rodin accepted for magical items, from her personal pocket dimension to Rodin's. "And about a quart of gin to wash them down."

Rodin nodded and turned to the bar behind him. At his mental command, the wall split in two and moved aside, revealing his more 'exotic' stock. He pulled out a drawer and took out two large green lollipops. He tossed them to his two clients, both of whom caught them and began to suck on them with relish. Even as the sugary treat dissolved in their mouths, their outer and inner wounds began to heal at an accelerated pace.

Rodin went back to the counter, pulling out a bottle of gin and pouring generous portions into two tumblers. "You two look like you've been through Hell," he said with a hint of wry amusement.

The white-haired one, Jeanne, took out her lollipop to slam back the alcohol. "It's Heaven AND Hell out there! It's the motherfucking Armageddon!"

"Angels and demons fighting each other in broad daylight! I never thought I'd see the day," Bayonetta said around her own lollipop. Her face grew somber. "Pretty sure I saw Cheshire get torn apart by a couple while trying to get a photo. That idiot never was able to look after his own neck." Her expression hinted at a deeper pain than what she was currently showing, but she either refused to acknowledge it or was saving it for when she could be alone.

"It was only a matter of time before Paradiso and Inferno declared all-out war. And Purgatorio is their battlefield. Unfortunately for the human world, what happens in Purgatorio happens here. So by the time both sides batter each other to pieces, the whole world will be left in ruins. It's enough to make a man drink," Rodin said flatly, pouring himself his own measure of gin, almost coming to the top of the tumbler.

Bayonetta chuckled. "You may look the part, but you're no mere 'man', Rodin."

Rodin grinned ferally. "You oughta know. You've seen both sides of me and lived to tell the tale."

"Correction, she kicked your arse in both your angelic and demonic forms," Jeanne spoke up, pulling a white stick out of her mouth. She wasn't fully healed, but she was a right sight better than when she warped in.

"That's beside the point. The question is, how are you two planning to survive the end of the world?" Rodin asked pointedly, knocking back his gin like a pro.

"You know me. As long as there's music, I'll keep on dancing. I'll be out there in the fight until shit finally calms down. Then it'll be back to business as usual," Bayonetta stated confidently.

Rodin cocked an eyebrow. "You sure about that, baby? Both sides are out to get you, ya know. The Angels want you dead for siding with Inferno, and the Demons want you dead so they can collect your soul. You're good, Bayonetta. I dare say you're even the best at what you do. But even you can't survive the Apocalypse all on your own."

"She won't be alone. She'll have me," Jeanne countered. "And why does it sound like you're winding up for a sales pitch? You got a better solution?"

Rodin grinned, pulled out a cigar, and lit it with a purple flame that emerged from his thumb. "Never could sneak one past you gals." Reaching under the counter, he pulled out a Rubik's cube. But it wasn't one of the ordinary plastic ones. This one had jeweled center squares and gleamed with a metallic finish. Bayonetta and Jeanne could both sense the magical power pulsing from the seemingly innocuous toy.

"And what, pray tell, is that?" Bayonetta asked.

"This is a Rodin's Cube. Sorry, couldn't help myself. Think of it as a cross between a coffin and a time capsule. It'll magically seal anyone who enters it away, perfectly healthy and preserved, until someone comes along and solves it. Then they just pop out like a jack-in-the-box. You agree to go inside, and I'll personally take care of you until the world's rebuilt itself again. Interested?" Rodin placed the Cube on the counter, equidistant between Bayonetta and Jeanne.

Bayonetta gave an ironic smile. "Little thing, Rodin. You haven't mentioned the price."

"10 million. Take it or leave it. And I only had time to make one, so at least one of you will just have to take her chances surviving the war," Rodin said plainly.

Jeanne turned to her Umbran sister. "What do you think, Cereza?" she asked, using the other witch's birth name.

"I think I spent 500 years in a box already, and I'm in no hurry to repeat the experience," Bayonetta said decisively. She slapped her hand on the counter to transfer the Halos and then grabbed the Rodin's Cube and tossed it to Jeanne. "You take it, Jeanne. I'll take my chances with the monsters outside." Bayonetta turned and began to stalk towards the entrance, not wobbling in her heels when yet another explosion rocked the foundation of the building.

Jeanne had a bittersweet smile on her face as she held the Cube and eyed her companion leaving. "I put you in that box to protect you," she muttered under her breath. "And I'll do it again," she said solemnly before rushing over, Acting based on her instinctive understanding of the magic in the artifact, Jeanne pressed the Cube to Bayonetta's back. There was a flash of light, the sound of a click, and the black-haired witch had vanished.

Jeanne looked down at the Cube tenderly before resuming her usual haughty expression. She turned and tossed the Cube at Rodin, who caught it deftly. "Take good care of her. I'm going to make it through this war, and one day, when you finally release her, we'll find each other again. Mark my words."

Rodin nodded. "Right on, babe. Right on. And for what it's worth, good luck out there."

"Luck's got nothing to do with it," Jeanne said, before summoning her guns, All 4 One, from her pocket dimension. She stalked to the portal in the floor and flashed out of the bar.

Rodin hummed around his cigar, tucking the Cube into the inside pocket of his jacket. "Well, then, time to wait… I fucking hate waiting."

Rodin waited out the rest of the end of the world in the bunker that was his bar. When the shaking and the screaming finally stopped, he collapsed the building so it was just another hunk of rubble in a wasteland of a world. Then he spent centuries merely biding his time, watching as the shreds of humanity that had survived picked themselves back up. The time before the divine war became a distant memory, and eventually was forgotten altogether.

And then some interdimensional idiots decided to come and plant a World Tree. Rodin could only roll his eyes. People who relied on the global parasite for power were truly pathetic in his view. In time the tree bore fruit, and a woman named Ootsutsuki Kaguya ate the magical hunk of plant flesh. She became what the common man considered a god, blessed with the power of Chaotic Magic, or 'chakra' as she chose to call it. Rodin could have picked his teeth with her if he allowed himself to cut loose, but he pretended to fall under her spell as she enslaved the world with her new powers.

For whatever reason, Kaguya decided to procreate. She had twin sons, and she loved them as much as any narcissist could love someone besides themselves. But as they grew and began to exhibit the same miraculous power that she possessed, she went utterly mad with jealousy. Chakra was hers, and no one else's. In her madness, she merged with the World Tree and transformed into the Ten-Tailed Rabbit, a beast much more ferocious and deadly than its name would have one believe. The twins fought their mother, and at the crux of the battle, the elder twin Hagoromo sealed the Ten-Tails inside himself, containing the wrath of his mother's wild chakra. The husk of her body, he stored in the core of the moon which he created to shine in the night sky. After leaving behind one child on Earth to continue his legacy, the younger twin left the Earth to set up shop on the moon, so there would always be protectors ready to guard Kaguya's body. The elder twin spent his life spreading the teachings of chakra and peace to the common folk, accidentally started a blood feud between his two sons, and split the remnants of his mother's chakra into nine different Tailed Beasts.

Rodin itched to track down the Tailed Beasts and make weapons from their energy, but he restrained himself. Besides, they weren't true demons like he was used to working with, more beings of pure Chaotic energy. But perhaps that was the appeal to the ancient being, a change of pace. But something in his gut told him the time wasn't right, and so he continued to wait.

To no one's surprise except maybe Hagoromo, bless his naive heart, the masses used chakra as a weapon of war rather than a tool for peace. For the next thousand years, various clans of ninja for hire or 'shinobi' warred with each other for techniques, territory, and prestige. The common people paid little attention to the shadow wars that plagued the world, focusing on their ordinary lives and leaving the superhumans to do what they wanted so long as it didn't affect them. The cycle of carnage didn't stop, but was certainly changed when Senju Hashirama, a young idealistic man, founded the first Hidden Village, a place where all the wandering clans of his country could call home and coexist in peace. The idea quickly caught on, and soon nearly every country had a Hidden Village comprised of a mixture of ninja clans and civilians to produce the goods and services necessary to keep a town running. The Villages were each led by a Kage, arguably the strongest ninja in each village and certainly possessed of the charisma of a leader.

And still Rodin waited. He waited through three more wars, the Hidden Villages unable to help themselves but scramble for power and ideology much as their predecessors had. He waited as Senju Hashirama tried to balance the scales by imprisoning the Tailed Beasts in Living Sacrifices, humans with the ability to withstand having a foreign chakra sealed within them. He waited as Konoha, the Hidden Leaf Village, went through four Hokages and the third coming out of retirement after an overly complicated plot to release the Nine-Tailed Fox resulted in the death of the Fourth Hokage and his wife, leaving their newborn son as the new vessel of the Fox. Rodin waited as the son of the Fourth, one Uzumaki Naruto, grew up to enter the Ninja Academy in the hopes of becoming Hokage someday.

And finally he took action.

The Shinobi Witch

Naruto was treating himself to a couple (dozen) bowls of ramen from his favorite restaurant, Ichiraku Ramen. He was normally a happy-go-lucky young man that refused to let anything get him down. But today had been a bad day. He'd flunked the Graduation Exam for the Ninja Academy for the second year running. He was only 17 and the average graduation age was 18, but the blonde overachiever couldn't help but apply for early graduation. Too bad he sucked so bad at chakra control that he couldn't pull off a simple Clone Jutsu.

Ayame, the daughter and coworker of the owner Teuchi, leaned over the counter. "Don't worry, Naruto. You have all next year to study for the Exam! You'll get it next year, I'm sure of it!"

Naruto wiped the forlorn expression off his face to grin at the girl that was practically his big sister. "You're right, Ayame-chan! Just got to try harder! Nothing's going to stop me from being Hokage someday!"

Teuchi nodded along in the back. "That's true. Though maybe if you spent a little more time reading and a little less time pranking, you'd have better luck."

Naruto rubbed the back of his hair and chuckled. "Oh, come on, Teuchi-ojisan! My pranks are what keep this village from dying of boredom!"

At that moment, a very tall, muscular black man wearing shades and with a tattoo over his bald head walked into the stand. He sat next to Naruto, almost breaking the stool with his bulk, and turned to Ayame. "One Spicy Ramen, pretty lady."

Ayame blushed crimson but nodded. "Right away, Rodin-san!" She rushed to fulfill the order, ignoring or unaware of her father shaking his head in amusement as she did.

Naruto eyed his neighbor with wide, intimidated eyes. "Who the hell are you?" he asked, brash and crass as always. For all his boisterous charm, social skills were not Naruto's forte.

"I the hell am Rodin, the toughest motherfucker you're ever likely to meet." Rodin turned to look down at the teenager, his eyes seeming to gleam red behind his black sunglasses. "You're Naruto, right? The kid that stole the laundromat's laundry and spread the clothes all over town?"

Naruto rubbed a finger under his nose. "I may have done that. Shoot, I do a lot of things."

Rodin chuckled deep in his throat. "I like you kid. You got spunk. Here, have a toy." Reaching into his inside jacket pocket, Rodin handed a cube with six different colored tiles all around it, each corresponding with a jewel in one of the six sides.

Naruto gaped at the luxurious, and clearly expensive, object. "Wait, you're just giving this to me? What's the catch?"

"No catch. Just feels like it's better off with you than me," Rodin said with a shrug.

Naruto idly began to manipulate the cube, moving the sides to rearrange the tiles. "What am I supposed to do, get every side one color?"

"That's it. If you ever do manage to solve it, come find me at my bar." At that moment, Ayame placed a steaming bowl of spicy red ramen in front of Rodin. "Here's looking at you, kid. Heard that in a movie once," Rodin said, grinning at Ayame. Then he began to eat, as Ayame blushed up a storm and held her cheeks as she dealt with the borderline romantic compliment. Naruto looked between Rodin and his sister figure, and felt his brain fritz slightly at the idea of the giant Rodin with the petite Ayame. He just couldn't see that working out.

Rodin ate quickly and efficiently. When he was done, he slapped a wad of bills on the counter. "Keep the change," he said roguishly before stalking off, the ground practically shaking with his footsteps.

Naruto looked from the starstruck Ayame to the much more rational Teuchi. "Who the hell was that guy?" Naruto asked.

"Rodin, owner of the Gates of Hell. The bar's been open since the village was founded, and it's always been the most popular in the town. Rodin hasn't seemed to have aged a day since he opened the place. It's one of the great mysteries of the Hidden Leaf. That and Mitarashi Anko's measurements," Teuchi said, with a perverted grin at the end.

"Daddy!" Ayame protested.

Naruto shook his head. "Whatever, none of my business. I'm off to get in some evening training, thanks for the food!" All but emptying Gama-chan, his frog-shaped wallet, Naruto paid for the meal and walked off towards the training grounds. He played with the strange cube Rodin had given him the whole while, figuring out how to rearrange the tiles the way he wanted.

Naruto got to a free training ground and began to practice his Kunai Jutsu. His arms went numb from constantly throwing the knife-like tools of the ninja trade. Hours later, he'd managed to get a little closer to hitting the bull's-eye. Night had fallen, but the full moon gleamed brightly, covering the land in silver light. Naruto sighed and settled down against a tree, pulling out the cube again.

"This isn't so hard once you figure out the trick," he mused as he got the fourth side to have all the same color. See, Naruto was actually a bit of a genius, able to solve most problems with laser-like focus and enthusiastic intensity. The issue was he had an attention deficit disorder that made it so he had the attention span of a gnat. Unless the subject was in some way 'fun', Naruto would just zone out or forget the problem entirely. But when it came to games and puzzles, Naruto's skill was only slightly less impressive than Nara Shikamaru's.

In short order, Naruto solved the cube, getting all six sides to be one color. "Huh, that was fast. Should I go visit that Rodin guy in his bar now?" Naruto wondered what course to take, when there was a sudden flash of light and the sound of something unlocking.

Blinking stars out of his eyes, Naruto gaped at the vision before him. A naked woman, a woman so beautiful she made Naruto's crush Haruno Sakura look ugly, was standing before him. While he gaped at the acres of pale, perfect flesh, he had the standard reaction most males have to such erotic beauty. As in, his pants got tight and he developed a heavy nosebleed. Even as he pinched his nose, though, her long black hair seemed to come alive, weaving itself around her body until it formed actual clothes. Skin-tight leather clothes, which if anything were even more sexy than her raw nudity. The woman opened her eyes behind elegant jeweled glasses and blinked. Then she got a royally pissed-off expression.

"Bugger! Bugger, bugger, bugger! Queen Sheeba damn you, Jeanne, I'm going to kill you and bring you back just so I can kill you again! Ragh!"

Naruto gulped, got his nosebleed under control, and tried to think gross thoughts to make his raging erection go down. "Um, miss?"

The woman with hair for clothes turned to Naruto. She seemed to size him up with a single glance. "My, that's an awful lot of magic you have. And what's this, you're possessed? No, more like a living container. Quite the curious young chap. Tell me, young man, where did you get that glorified cage?"

Having no idea what she was talking about, Naruto focused on the last question. "Um, some guy named Rodin gave it to me a few hours ago. Told me if I solved it, I should go to his bar. Um, did he know you were in that thing?"

"He made the damn thing, dear. He knew exactly what he was doing. Of course he wouldn't bother to solve the Cube himself. It's just like him to hand me off to a stranger and see what happens. I may be his favorite customer but we're not exactly bosom buddies, if you see what I mean." The woman cocked her head. "What's your name?"

Naruto gulped, stood up, and bowed, "Uzumaki Naruto. Very nice to meet you." He wasn't normally so polite, but something about this woman made him think that ticking her off would be a monumental mistake.

"Japanese naming convention, is it? Well, Naruto, you have my thanks for getting me out of that infernal contraption. Call me Bayonetta. Now if you could be so kind as to lead me to Rodin, I'd very much appreciate it. I might even give you a kiss," Bayonetta grinned saucily and bent over to show off her cleavage through the crescent-moon shaped cut in her bodysuit.

Naruto almost fainted, and got another nosebleed.

He was just about to lead Bayonetta out of the training ground when a curious golden light began to shine down on the clearing. Naruto looked up in confusion. "Sunset was hours ago. Where's this light coming from?"

Bayonetta let out a long-suffering sigh. "Figures. Can't even have five bloody minutes to myself." She made a gesture and suddenly two strange metallic objects were in her hands, with two more appearing at the heels of her shoes. "Naruto, love, I recommend you put your head between your knees and stay very, very still. Time for me to do my job."

"What the fuck are you talking about?" Naruto demanded. There was something… otherworldly about this light. It was freaking him out.

Bayonetta chuckled and shifted her glasses with the object in her right hand. "Didn't I mention? I'm a witch, darling. Killing Angels is my bread and butter." With that parting statement, she made a circular motion with her hand, creating a purple glyph that appeared to show two crescent moons above her head. She jumped, and Naruto, acting on impulse as was his habit, jumped after her.

Bayonetta looked down at him with surprise, and then consternation. "What the fuck do you think you're doing?" Not giving him a chance to answer, she kicked him into the tree he'd been leaning against. "Just stay there and don't get killed. That's my job once I'm done with these cretins."

Naruto got his breath back from the strongest kick he'd ever felt in his life. How strong was Bayonetta? He looked up and gaped at what he saw.

Bayonetta was fighting Angels. Actual, legit Angels. White wings, golden armor, looking almost bird-like in how they carried themselves. They were swinging long staves with circular blades like the sun at the end. And she was dodging around the blows like it was a choreographed dance. Then she brought up her hands, and strange explosive sounds came from the objects in her hands. Naruto just barely saw tiny pellets moving through the air faster than any shuriken had ever been thrown, impacting the Angels and leaving bloody holes that went straight through their bodies.

Naruto watched almost in a trance as Bayonetta engaged in the most graceful, brutal, deadliest combat Naruto had ever seen against the heavenly creatures. She seemed to move around and with the Angels like they were partners in her wicked waltz. She slaughtered each and every Angel, making them explode in bursts of light, and she not only made it look easy, she made it look sexy.

The fight ended with Bayonetta literally slapping an Angel to death, repeatedly backhanding the poor holy warrior until it gave up the ghost and perished. A small pile of golden rings appeared where it had exploded, which seemed to flow towards Bayonetta and vanish in a purple twinkle. She blew sensuously on the smoking barrel of her weapon, a pleased grin on her face. "Good to know I haven't lost my edge," she muttered to herself.

Naruto gulped as she turned to face him, looking decidedly unimpressed. "Here's a little secret, dear Naruto. I like my men obedient. What were you thinking coming into Purgatorio after me?"

"Purgatorio?" Naruto asked blankly.

Bayonetta sighed, vanished her weapons, and ran both hands through her lustrous hair. "I am nowhere near drunk enough to bother giving a lesson on metaphysics. Here's all you need to know: you followed me down the rabbit hole. So welcome to Wonderland, where Angels and Demons like to play when they visit Earth. Now take me to Rodin before I get really angry at you," she commanded, putting a hand on her hip and glaring at him.

Naruto gulped. After what he just saw, he figured his odds of survival were inversely proportional to Bayonetta's temper. "Right this way, just follow me!" With that, Naruto began to walk at a fast pace down the path out of the training ground, Bayonetta sauntering after him.

Naruto's got an object lesson in exactly what being in Purgatorio meant when they reached the main body of the village. All of the people were see-through like glass or bubbles. As Naruto watched, one walked right up and passed through him. Naruto shuddered at the strange feeling. "What's going on?"

"I hate repeating myself. We're in Purgatorio, they're on Earth proper. We can see them, but they can't see us. You can still touch them if you know what you're doing, but I really don't feel like I'm in the teaching mood," Bayonetta said drolly. "Now march."

Naruto led the woman who scared him almost as much as she turned him on to the red light district. The Gates of Hell had a line going around the block. Bayonetta took the lead, phasing past the transparent people with Naruto trailing after her like a lost duckling.

They walked down a stairwell into a rather gothic themed tavern. Naruto eyed the gargoyles and Angels painted on the walls and sculpted as statues with a new eye. For all he knew, they were based off the real thing. The only person in the room that wasn't see-through was Rodin, mixing a drink behind the bar counter.

Rodin took one look at Bayonetta and Naruto and set down the mixer. "Unless you want me to lay hands on you, I suggest you get out. We're closed for the night," he announced to the bar. Naruto heard echoes of complaints and protestations from the patrons of the bar.

Rodin responded decisively. "GO!" He roared, a visible shockwave traveling through the air as he screamed at his customers. In a rush, the people all poured out of the establishment. When the last had slammed the door behind him, Rodin pressed a button under the counter to lock the doors. Then he grinned. "Long time no see, Bayonetta."

Bayonetta drew another glyph. Naruto hurriedly followed after her as she walked through it. Bayonetta walked over to lean against the bar. "I'll take the usual, assuming this new world still makes liquor the same way. And get the kid whatever he wants, on my tab. I suppose I owe him for solving that damned toy."

Rodin nodded and turned to face Naruto, who had sat himself down on a stool at the bar. Naruto blinked when he realized Rodin was waiting for his drink order. "Um, surprise me?" Naruto said, having not the faintest knowledge of alcohol. He may be a troublemaker, but he abided by age-restriction laws.

With quick, practiced motions, Rodin mixed Bayonetta a Cherry Martini and made Naruto a Rum and Cola. He presented them on coasters. Naruto hesitantly grabbed his while Bayonetta raised her own glass. "To freedom," she cheered, before knocking back the whole drink.

"To freedom," Naruto echoed, still more than a little besotted by the strange witch, and took a big gulp of his own drink. He almost coughed it all back up, not anticipating the sharp burn at the back of his throat, but he managed to avoid embarrassing himself in front of the other two.

Bayonetta chuckled and turned to Rodin. "First things first. Where's Jeanne?"

Rodin shrugged. "She survived the war, by the skin of her teeth. We didn't exactly keep in touch, but we both know Jeanne ain't subtle. Last I heard she was working freelance as a bounty hunter, wandering the continent. Got the nickname the 'White Witch'."

Bayonetta snorted even as she tapped her glass to indicate a refill, taking out the cherry used for garnish and biting into the juicy flesh. "Well, I'm sure we'll cross paths eventually. She always did have the habit of turning up just when I needed her." Bayonetta turned to eye Naruto, and then began to speak in an entirely different language. Rodin responded in the same alien tongue. Naruto pouted, realizing he was being deliberately excluded from the conversation. He sipped his drink, getting used to the burn and starting to feel a pleasurable buzz in his brain.

When a lull appeared to occur in the two's conversation, Naruto spoke up. "Um, Rodin-san? Bayonetta-san?"

Both paused and turned to regard the Academy student. "Oh, Naruto. Almost forgot you were here," Bayonetta said playfully.

Naruto ignored the twinge of annoyance that statement provoked. "Look, I feel a little out of my depth here. Some giant bartender gives me a toy and out pops a woman who says she's a witch, can travel to some parallel dimension, and fights actual Angels! I think I deserve some kind of explanation here!"

Bayonetta and Rodin exchanged glances. She waved at him to take this one while she sipped her fourth Cherry Martini. Rodin took out a few bottles and set them up in a triangle. "It's like this, kid. Earth, the World of Chaos, belongs to the humans," Rodin said, indicating one bottle. "Paradiso, the World of Light, belongs to the Angels." Rodin tapped another bottle. "And Inferno, the World of Darkness, belongs to the Demons." Rodin tapped the negative space between the three bottles. "And in the middle, Purgatorio, where all three meet. With me so far?"

Naruto nodded. This lecture was much less boring than Iruka-sensei's, but then again the subject matter was so much more interesting.

"Me, I'm a fallen Angel. I used to live in Paradiso, but then the Powers that Be decided I was too dangerous, and they kicked my ass to Inferno. Of course, I'm so badass, I can come and go between the worlds as I please. I usually hang around here on Earth, because you humans are pretty damn entertaining."

Naruto gulped. He suddenly realized why he was so discomforted by Rodin; on some level, Naruto recognized that the creature in the shape of a man was the furthest thing from human as it was possible to get. "Okay. What about Bayonetta-san? She said she's a witch, what's that mean?"

Rodin chuckled and nodded his head at the unconcerned Bayonetta. "Oh, she's a witch alright. A long time ago, centuries before the Sage of Six Paths was even born, there were two clans. The Lumen Sages, who represented the Light here on Earth. And the Umbran Witches, who represented the Darkness. Bayonetta was born into the Umbran Witches, and was trained in their dark arts. Here's the thing: witches get their power by selling their soul to a Demon in Inferno. In exchange for magic, superhuman abilities, and immortality, Bayonetta swore to kill Angels every day until the day she died. If she ever misses a day or manages to get her fine ass killed, her soul will be dragged down into Inferno, for an eternity of torment."

"Of course, the obvious solution to that little problem is to never die," Bayonetta said nonchalantly.

Naruto gaped. Then his mind began to process what he just heard. "So… how strong are you?"

Bayonetta idly twirled a strand of her hair. "I've beaten two Gods, plus Rodin, in straight-up combat. I'm very good at what I do, dearie."

Naruto gulped. Then, he went with his gut and asked the question. "Can… can I become a witch like you?"

Bayonetta and Rodin both cocked their heads. "Weren't you listening, Naruto? I just said you'd have to sell your soul to become like her," Rodin questioned.

Naruto set his shoulders. "I want to be Hokage! That means I need to be the strongest! I don't care what it takes to get there, even if it means risking my soul. Besides, like Bayonetta-san said, I just have to never die, then I'll never go down to Inferno."

Bayonetta tilted her glasses down to eye Naruto critically. "Think this one through, my sweet. Selling your soul is the easy part. Angels will hound you wherever you go. When you're about to eat, when you're about to sleep, when you're about to shit, shower, or shave, that's when they'll strike. You'll never know more than a few moments' peace for the rest of eternity. To say nothing of surviving the training itself. More than half those born into the Umbran Witches didn't live to make their final test. And that was the standard training, you can certainly expect something tougher from me. This is the kind of deal you can never back out of. Are you really sure about this?"

Naruto knew this was rash, and an annoyingly big part of him insisted he'd regret this tomorrow. But something in his gut told him this is what he needed to do, and if nothing else, Naruto trusted his instincts. "Where do I sign up?" Naruto said with as much confidence as he could muster.

Bayonetta got a small smirk. "You have balls, kid, I'll give you that much." She held out her hand. "Don't shake unless you're ready to leave everything and everyone behind. From now until I'm done making you a witch worthy of the name, I own you. If that's too much to ask, there's the door."

Naruto grit his teeth, tightened his buttocks, and reached out to shake her hand. He felt some kind of energy that was similar but at the same time nothing like chakra rush through him. He shivered and pulled his hand out of Bayonetta's as soon as she let go. "What was that?"

"The Witch's Blessing. First step in the journey to becoming an Umbran Witch. Don't worry, only about one in ten are killed by it. Basically, I tested your body to see if it could handle Infernal energy. Congratulations, you can." Bayonetta knocked back the last of her drink, then she grabbed Naruto by the collar and lifted him clear off the ground. Ignoring his protests, Bayonetta turned to Rodin. "I don't suppose you have a portal set up in a decent training ground?"

Rodin nodded. "I got just the spot. It's even warded so nobody who comes looking for the kid will find you. Let's call it, 10k a week."

Bayonetta slapped a hand on the counter. "Here's a year in advance. I've got high hopes for this kid." Then Bayonetta, still dragging Naruto like he were a doll, walked into a red portal that appeared in the floor. In a flash of blue light, both witch and wannabe ninja vanished.

The Shinobi Witch

Naruto huddled naked by a fire he built himself, roasting the squirrels he'd managed to catch on a skewer. It had been three months since he'd impulsively convinced Bayonetta to make him a witch, and to say they were the most grueling, miserable months of his life would be an understatement. Upon arriving in the Valley of Torture as Bayonetta had decided to call it, the first thing she'd done was strip him of his clothes and turned them to ash with a freaking flamethrower she'd pulled out of thin air. She argued that not only was it a crime against fashion to wear so much orange, but that his survival training would be more effective if he were completely exposed to the elements. And speaking of survival training, apparently he had to 'toughen up' before his body was prepared to handle the influx of Infernal Magic from his deal with a Demon.

The training consisted of, without fail, Bayonetta dropping a bucket of cold water on Naruto's head to wake him up. Then he'd have to catch and cook his own breakfast within an hour. If he couldn't make the deadline, he went hungry that morning. From dawn to dusk after breakfast, Naruto was hammered on the anvil of Bayonetta's personal training. She forced him to work practically every muscle in his body to the breaking point, and that was just in the first hour. By the end of the day, Naruto was lucky if he still had feeling in his extremities. But the training wasn't done, he still had to make his own dinner and find a safe place to sleep.

Luckily, Naruto was a fast healer. All the bruises and scrapes and mangled muscles were healed after one good night's sleep. So he was always full of energy before Bayonetta sucked it all out of him in the most painful way possible. He might have found that suspicious at times, but he wasn't willing to look a gift horse in the mouth. His freakish healing factor was probably the only thing that let him survive Bayonetta's beyond harsh training.

Naruto pulled the squirrels from the fire and began to eat voraciously. When he finished, he went to wash the juices and sap of the stick off in a nearby stream. As he did, Naruto couldn't help but admire the changes to his appearance to happen in the last 3 months. Any and all softness had vanished from his face, and the fat had melted off his body to reveal dense, corded muscle. Say what you will about Bayonetta's workout routine, it was damn effective. Naruto admired his new musculature for a bit before returning to the fire. When he saw Bayonetta sitting there, openly admiring his nakedness, he was too exhausted to do more than sigh. "What is it, Bayonetta-sensei?"

Bayonetta licked her lips as he sat down. He was desensitized to the lascivious looks his teacher/torturer sent his way every now and then. He was pretty sure she did it just to rile him up. "Well, it's the full moon tonight, Naruto dearie. I thought tonight you might like to become a proper witch."

Naruto froze. He turned to eye his only companion in this valley hidden from the world. "Seriously?"

Bayonetta pulled a black book out of her personal hammerspace. "Just pick a patron and I'll go set up the ritual."

Naruto quickly skimmed through the book. He quickly discounted all the female Demons. He was a man, he'd be selling his soul to a male Demon by thunder. He finally settled on one he liked, just as Bayonetta returned.

"You pick one out?" Bayonetta asked.

Naruto nodded. "Asmodeus. That's who I'm selling my soul to."

Bayonetta rose a brow. "My, my. He's quite infamous in the Lust Circle of Inferno. You sure you know what you're getting into, Naruto dear?"

Naruto nodded. "Let's just do this already."

Bayonetta shrugged. "Your soul. Follow me." She led him to a clearing in the woods. A small circle of runes, lit by candles at five points to form a star, awaited Naruto. Taking his last free breath as a mere human, Naruto sat down in the circle. Bayonetta began to chant in Enochian, the language of Heaven and Hell, and Naruto closed his eyes and braced himself for anything.

There was a rushing sensation like he'd fallen a great distance in a short period of time. When Naruto reopened his eyes, he almost dislocated his jaw.

Inferno was a savagely beautiful land. The sky was red with black clouds, and the surroundings were as twisted and unnatural as the Demons who occupied them. At the moment, Naruto could see the landscape through several grand windows. He was in what appeared to be a throne room. And sitting on the throne before him was Asmodeus, the Prince of Earthly Spirits.

The Demon resembled a chimera. He had three heads: an ox, a man, and a ram. The man's head had an ornate crown on it. His right hand was human, while his left hand was the body of a giant snake ending in a lion's head. Bat's wings flared out behind him. He had a centaur-like lower half, each leg coming from a different animal, and with a dragon's tail to boot. Perhaps most disturbing, though, was the proud cock jutting out from where his top half met his bottom half. The transparent form of some damned soul was being slowly moved up and down it by Asmodeus's right hand, shivering in either ecstasy or torment, it was hard to tell from the transparent face.

"State your business here," Asmodeus spoke in Enochian, the magic of the ritual circle translating the words for Naruto.

Naruto gulped, then stood up as confidently and proud as he could. "Asmodeus, I come to bargain!" Naruto said, using the script that had been provided in the section on Asmodeus in the Book of Infernal Demons.

Asmodeus tilted his heads. "What do you offer, human?" he asked imperiously, every inch a Prince of Hell.

Naruto gulped, then sealed his fate. "My soul."

"And what do you desire in return?" Asmodeus asked, pausing in moving the soul up and down his erection to lean his human head against his hand.

Naruto dug deep and gave his usual foxy grin. "The power to become the strongest!"

Asmodeus seemed to consider for a moment. "Very well. The bargain is struck." Asmodeus waved his hand, and a bronze pocketwatch appeared in Naruto's hand. "Place this over your heart, and our deal is complete."

Naruto refused to hesitate. The moment he heard the words, he slammed the timepiece against his breast.

In an instant, Naruto understood why he'd endured such hellish training from Bayonetta. The rush of energy that swept throughout his body when he placed the Umbran Watch over his heart would have burned his unprepared body to a crisp. As it was, the heat and intensity of the Infernal Magic that rushed through his veins with every beat of his heart burned like acid. For a wild moment, Naruto feared he would explode as more and more power was forced to circulate throughout his body and through his every cell, changing him from a human into a witch.

When he opened his eyes, he was standing back on Earth. His Umbran Watch clung to his chest like a tic, marking his agreement with Asmodeus and the pact they had struck. He moved his head, and became aware of a curious weight on his scalp. He looked down, and saw that his blonde spikes had grown so long they touched the ground.

"What's with the hair, Bayonetta-sensei?" Naruto asked, and he blinked. Even his voice sounded different, changed by the magic that coursed through his body now. It was somehow more throaty, more husky… dare he say, sexier.

Bayonetta chuckled from outside the circle, the candles having burned themselves down to nubs. "You didn't think I grew it out this long the old-fashioned way, did you? Now, a witch's hair is their most important asset. Control of it means control of your Wicked Weaves, your Summons, and your basic armor. Your first task is to learn to make a suit."

Naruto pouted. "Can't I get some sleep? I just sold my soul, you know."

Bayonetta got a predatory grin that frightened Naruto to his very core. "Tell me, dearie… do you feel like you need to sleep?"

Naruto blinked. Taking quick stock of his body, he realized he'd never felt more awake. The Infernal Magic that had replaced his chakra simmered under the surface like liquid fire, filling him with a seemingly endless well of energy. "We don't have to sleep?" he asked incredulously.

"Or eat. Or even breathe for that matter. We're witches, darling. We're beyond the pale of ordinary humans. The price was high, but in time you'll realize it was worth every cent… or spend the rest of eternity cursing your fate. I don't much care either way how you make your peace with this. I warned you going in," Bayonetta said callously but honestly.

"Cool, dattebayo!" Naruto cheered, his verbal tic coming out in his excitement. "So how do I get a hair suit?"

Bayonetta chuckled at how easily he accepted his departure from humanity. "There's no keeping you down, is there? All right, here's the gist. All the knowledge to be a witch is already inside you. Asmodeus granted you the knowledge the same way Madama Butterfly did to me. All you have to do is learn to utilize that knowledge. For your suit, just picture it in your mind's eye, and then allow yourself to have it."

Naruto closed his eyes and focused. He imagined a suit identical to Bayonetta's, just yellow instead of black. He wanted it, he needed it… he already had it, he just had to realize it. Naruto became aware of his hair coming alive and twisting around his whole body like a cloak. When he opened his eyes, he looked down and saw he was wearing an identical bodysuit to Bayonetta, just the blonde color of his own tresses. In fact, he might have made it too similar; he was also wearing high heels.

"First try, not bad at all. Keep the heels, you'll need to get used to them for when I give you your foot guns," Bayonetta said, all but reading his thoughts. "Now that you're wearing your battle armor, it's time I showed you how I've been keeping myself busy while you slept the past few months."

She took off at a sprint, surprising Naruto but he quickly caught up with her. Movement just felt so EASY. The usual burn of physical exertion wasn't felt past the simmering fires of Inferno that now coursed through his body. Naruto came to the amazing conclusion that he could run this fast for days and not even get out of breath. Being a witch was awesome!

Bayonetta led Naruto out of the woods and into the more mountainous parts of the Valley. She paused, turning to face him with a serious expression. He took notice, it wasn't often his sensei dropped her playful facade. "Parts of Earth are closer to Paradiso or Inferno. The woods where I've kept you for the last three months are closer to Inferno. That's why no Angels came to harass me while I was molding you into a suitable vessel for Infernal Magic." Bayonetta flicked her hands and made Love is Blue appear in her hands and feet. "This part of the Valley, on the other hand, is closer to Paradiso. It's like being back in Vigrid or Noatun, but I digress. Angels come out from behind your ears up here. Time for you to cut your teeth on divine combat, Naruto my sweet." Drawing a glyph, Bayonetta turned and walked through, Naruto swiftly following after her.

Almost the second they were in Purgatorio proper, the divine light of Paradiso began to shine down on them. "Punctual as always. Say what you will about Angels, they're always on time for the start of the dance," Bayonetta said with a saucy grin.

Naruto braced himself. "So, any tips on beating Angels to death with my bare hands, Bayonetta-sensei?"

"I find the best way to learn is do-or-die. Don't worry, if you actually get yourself killed I have a Red Hot Shot from Rodin with your name on it." With a tantalizing wink, Bayonetta did a couple backflips away from him, making them two distinct targets.

"Why am I not surprised?" Naruto muttered before a ring of angelic halos appeared at the entrance to the rocky pass they were in, essentially blocking escape. Then the Angels appeared, teleporting directly to the battleground rather than flying down from the sky.

Naruto took a split second to assess the forces arrayed against them. Three Affinities, an Applaud, and a handful of Decorations were arrayed around him in a circle. Meanwhile, Bayonetta was taking on an honest-to-Jubileus Fortitudo. Well, it was clear that the Angels had assessed the threat level of both of them and rallied themselves accordingly.

Naruto sucked in his gut, got into the stance that felt most natural to him (despite the fact he'd never taken it before), and curled his fingers in a 'come get me' gesture. "Let's dance, dattebayo!"

What followed was somehow both a blur and crystal-clear in Naruto's memory. If he thought about it, he could recall every move he and the Angels made. But in the heat of the moment, it was as if his body was moving on autopilot, some sort of puppeteer controlling his limbs. He suplexed an Affinity and he'd never even seen a suplex. He dodged to avoid a headbutt from a Decoration that he could not possibly have sensed unless he had eyes on the back of his head. When he took out the last Affinity and it dropped it's stave before exploding, Naruto knew exactly what to do. He picked it up and began to spin around it like it were a stripper pole, sending out kicks so strong they left blades of wind in their wake, destroying the rest of the Angels.

Naruto stood there in the aftermath. "Wow… that was fucking amazing!" He cheered.

Then he heard Bayonetta shout something in Enochian. He turned, and almost got a nosebleed as he saw her half-naked, her hair wrapping around her breasts and intimate area before vanishing into a red portal in the ground. Out of another portal that appeared in the air, a giant crow with eight eyes, wrapped up in Bayonetta's hair, began to peck a hole through the Fortitudo's face. With a final peck that pierced clean through, the crow flew off, the hair pulling it back into the portal. Bayonetta's hair emerged from the portal at her feet sans Demon, and rearranged itself into her usual bodysuit. A red portal appeared beneath the broken Fortitudo, several black hands coming out to grab it and then pull it down screaming into the portal.

Naruto mentally corrected himself. "Okay, I was awesome, but not as awesome as that."

Bayonetta chuckled as she turned to regard her student. "Still alive, are we? I almost took the time to worry about you, but I knew my dear Naruto could handle a few weaklings."

Naruto tried to ignore the pleasant tingle in his heart when she referred to him as 'her' Naruto. "It's like it was someone else fighting them. I was just along for the ride."

"That's how it starts out. With time, you'll consciously master what your body already knows how to do. Then you can start using strategy, and more importantly, style." Bayonetta grinned cheekily.

"Of course, Inferno forbid I not look fabulous while slaughtering my enemies," Naruto said sarcastically.

Bayonetta got a serious glint in her eye. "You joke, but our Internal partners are constantly judging us. The most damage done in the least time with the least injury. The better you do in each fight, the more willingly they'll provide aid when you Summon them. And you never want to lose control of a Demon you bring to Purgatorio. Trust me," the elder witch said solemnly.

Naruto gulped but nodded. "Speaking of Summons, when do I get to start doing that? Or even Wicked Weaves?"

Bayonetta chuckled and bopped Naruto on his nose. "All in good time, Naruto dear. All in good time. Now if you'll follow me, I feel like celebrating."

Naruto followed after his sensei as she led him back into the forest. "Are we getting a drink at Rodin's?" He asked curiously.

"I don't want to spoil the surprise, young man," she said, making 'young man' sound positively naughty. Naruto blushed. Even after three months, he had a very low tolerance for Bayonetta's sheer sex appeal.

Bayonetta led him at a sedate pace through the woods. When they emerged from the trees, it was at a small pond fed by a beautiful waterfall. Naruto admired the natural beauty of the scenery, still wondering how his sensei intended to celebrate.

He got his answer when he felt her sneak up behind him, press her entire sensual frame up against his back, and felt her hand come around to cup his bulge. "Care for a bath, Naruto?" Bayonetta asked, her lips pressed against his ear. She gave a small lick to make her intentions perfectly clear.

Naruto played dumb, unwilling to believe he was this astronomically lucky. "What kind of bath?"

"The kind with a happy ending," Bayonetta purred, hugging his hard body with her feminine softness, her hand beginning to idly stroke Naruto Jr.

Naruto shuddered at the feel of everything she was doing, but doubts clouded his mind. "Why me?"

"I could say it's been a very, very long time for me, but if I just wanted a quick fuck I'd go to Rodin. You've grown on me, Naruto love. You may have damned yourself for all eternity, but you still have a heart of gold. I want this to mean something, and you have no idea how surprising that was to me. But you're a special man, Uzumaki Naruto," Bayonetta crooned into his ear.

Naruto decided then and there that this was obviously just a very realistic dream. And he might as well play along. He turned himself around in Bayonetta's grip, his own arms coming out to wrap around her waist and fondle her ass. He looked down slightly with his marginally greater height into her stormy blue-grey eyes. With a genuine smile, he pressed his lips against hers.

That night, two damned souls found a little piece of Heaven. Naruto lost his virginity, and in a way Bayonetta did as well, for this was the first time she had sex for emotional reasons rather than physical. Given that both had practically infinite energy and no need to sleep, it was safe to say they lasted all night… and all day.

They only paused because if they didn't meet their daily quota for Angels, they'd be dragged down to Inferno. After that was done, it was back to training as usual, with a few pleasurable breaks now and again. Naruto spent the next few months learning the Bullet Arts using Scarborough Fair, the set of guns Rodin had made for Bayonetta before the improved Love is Blue set. When it wasn't combat training, it was magic training, learning all the secret arts of the Umbran Witches, particularly Alchemy and Torture Attacks. And when it wasn't magic training, it was live combat with increasingly deadly contingents of Angels, Paradiso apparently realizing the neophyte witch was more dangerous than expected. And in the few and far between free periods between dusk and dawn, Naruto fucked his sensei like a dog in heat, to her increasingly vocal approval. Asmodeus had granted Naruto knowledge about more than just fighting, after all.

The day finally came when Bayonetta declared it was time for Naruto to prove he had the right to fight as an Umbran Witch out in the world. His opponent: Bayonetta.

Naruto eyed his lover, his teacher, and at the moment, his enemy. The Naruto that had started his witchly training wouldn't recognize the Naruto now facing down Bayonetta. He carried himself completely differently. Gone was the brash bravado and stubborn confidence. Now there was a surety of purpose, an iron will, and a complete mastery of his body and his self. Naruto the human had been nothing but a subpar Academy student. Naruto the witch was a living weapon poised to destroy all who threatened him and those he loved.

Bayonetta hid her pride at her student's progress behind a teasing smirk. "Remember, you pass if you manage to last five minutes against me. If you actually manage to beat me, I might just give you a reward."

"When I beat you, I get to stick it up your lovely ass, Bayonetta-chan," Naruto said with utter assurity.

She chuckled at her man's optimism. And then, with no warning, she fired over a dozen bullets directly at his head. Naruto reacted quick as lightning, shooting her bullets out of the air with his own magically-generated ammo.

They clashed, Bayonetta holding nothing back. She cycled through the entire armory of her weapons stored in her pocket dimension, while Naruto was stuck with just his set of guns. She even used Infernal Weaves, Summoning Demons from Inferno at the end of her combo attacks to try and turn Naruto into a bloody splat on the ground. She was out to kill.

And Naruto met her move for move. He'd been a diligent student, and he had his own unique style and flair that proved equal to Bayonetta's. Both landed glancing blows, but nothing decisive as the fight dragged on and on. Naruto finally managed to end it by landing an After-Burner Kick and going straight into a Wicked Weave, slamming one of Asmodeus's Summoned legs down on Bayonetta, crushing her into the ground.

Bayonetta blinked from the impact, and in an instant Naruto was straddling her, gun held to her forehead. Both were panting, exhausted even with their near-limitless stores of energy. Bayonetta grinned.

"Congratulations, Uzumaki Naruto. You are an Umbran Witch."