***********The Beatle Pillows****************
A Seinfeld fan's script by pjazz
2003
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT
JERRY IS SEATED ON THE SOFA WATCHING HIS NEW GIRLFRIEND, SANDY, DO AEROBICS.
A TAPE DECK IS PLAYING MUSIC. SANDY IS IN A TIGHT LEOTARD.
SHE LOOKS A LOT LIKE DENISE RICHARDS.
SANDY
C'mon, Jerry. Join in.
JERRY
I'm fine here in the audience.
SANDY
Audience? I didn't realise I was putting on a show.
JERRY
Oh it's a show alright.
SANDY
Well, mister, I might charge an admission fee.
TAPE ENDS
SANDY
Whew! I need water. Jerry, change the tape could you?
JERRY SWAPS TAPES. THE BEATLES PLAY.
JERRY
You like the Beatles?
SANDY
My favourite band. I've got a big crush on John Lennon.
JERRY
You realise he's dead.
SANDY
Silly. And I know I wasn't even born when they were a group. I still love them.
There's an auction of Beatles memorabilia downtown soon. I'll buy you a Beatles wig.
JERRY
More of a quiff man myself.I have a friend could use the wig though.
What's your Beatles favourite track?
SANDY
Revolution 9. On the White Album.
JERRY
The one that's all random static? No lyrics or melody?
SANDY
Cool, huh?
INT. NYC DELI.
GEORGE IS WAITING IN LINE AT THE COUNTER.
AHEAD OF HIM IS BUZZ ALDRIN, THE APOLLO ASTRONAUT.
GEORGE
Aren't you Buzz Aldrin?
BUZZ
Yes, I am.
GEORGE
Wow. I'm a big fan of yours, sir. Big fan.
BUZZ
Thank you.
GEORGE
Not as a big a fan as I am of Neil Armstrong, naturally. He was first on the moon, you were only second . You know what they say. First is first. Second is nowhere.
BUZZ
Really.
GEORGE
Do you know what I think your first words when you walked on the moon should have been? 'Neil was first, but I try harder.'
BUZZ
'Neil was first, but I try harder?'
GEORGE
It's like a skit of the car rental slogan. 'We try harder.'
BUZZ
I see.
GEORGE
Ah, you weren't to know. Other things on your mind. 'Will the rocket work?'
'Are we going to die up here or burn up on reentry' That sort of stuff.
BUZZ
Who are you?
GEORGE
Costanza. George Costanza. You know, if it had been me up there with Neil Armstrong I'd have hidden his space helmet then snuck out the lunar module first while he was still looking for it.
BUZZ
The lunar module was very cramped, Mr Costanza. I'm sure Neil would have found his space helmet very quickly.
GEORGE
Take it with you out on the surface. Then he's screwed.
You're first on the moon. You get all the glory.
BUZZ
Mr Costanza, I would have been court martialed. Neil was the mission commander.
It was his perogative to be first out.
GEORGE
(SNORTS) Perogative! This is history we're talking about here.
BUZZ
This is absurd.
GEORGE
So, Buzz, got any more trips into space planned?
BUZZ
You are the most irritating man I've ever met.
INT. MONK'S. JERRY, GEORGE AND ELAINE.
ELAINE
Her favourite Beatles track is 'Revolution 9', the one with all the static?
What is she - tone deaf?
JERRY
I know. It's very perplexing. In every other respect Sandy's completely normal.
ELAINE
I think I saw Sandy at my gym. We were in the showers together.
JERRY
In the showers?
GEORGE
Together?
JERRY AND GEORGE EXCHANGE A LOOK. ELAINE NOTICES.
ELAINE
(SARCASTIC) Yeah. W e soaped each other down. Then the other women joined in.
It was one big soap-o-rama.
JERRY
Elaine, don't tease us. We're flesh and blood.
ELAINE
Gimme a break. You really think that stuff goes on?
JERRY
Yes we do. That and the pillow fights in your underwear.
ELAINE
Don't you have a communal shower at your gym?
JERRY
Sure. I never use it. Only the private cubicle.
ELAINE
Why not?
JERRY
It's like prison. The risk of dropping the soap is too great. I can't chance it.
ELAINE
Suppose the cubicle is out of order?
GEORGE
Then we drive home in our smelly, sweaty gym clothes.
ELAINE
The more I learn about men the more I think women should be dating chimpanzees.
GEORGE
Guess who I met in the deli today - Buzz Aldrin.
JERRY
The second man on the moon?
GEORGE
Yeah. He was buying salami slices.
JERRY
Oh no. You didn't try the line on him?
ELAINE
What? What line?
JERRY
George dreamt up this line Buzz Aldrin should have said on the moon.
GEORGE
'Neil was first, but I try harder.' It's a great line. Like the car rental slogan.
JERRY
What did Buzz think?
GEORGE
(SNORTS)HAh, he might be an big space hero, but he has no imagination whatsoever.
ELAINE
Hated it, huh?
GEORGE
He said I was the most irritating person he'd ever met.
JERRY
Buzz Aldrin insulted you? You've been insulted by many many people, but never by an astronaut. Congratulations.
ELAINE
I read somewhere Buzz Aldrin was the first person to take a leak on the moon.
JERRY
So what you're saying Elaine, is that as Buzz Aldrin stepped on the moon, in front of a tv audience of millions worldwide, his first words should be 'Hey Neil, I just peed my pants'?
KRAMER ENTERS. SITS AT BOOTH.
KRAMER
Hey, I need you all to sponser me.
JERRY
Why, you running the New York marathon?
KRAMER
NO. A sponsered pogostick bounce.
JERRY
Pogostick bounce? What are you - 10 years old?
KRAMER
It's for charity, Jerry. 10 cents a bounce. Some kid can do over a million.
He's in the Guinness Book of Records.
ELAINE
Aren't you in there too? Under World's Biggest Doofus?
JERRY
How many can you do?
KRAMER
Five.
JERRY
50 cents? Sure I'm in.
ELAINE
Me too.
GEORGE
Er, I gotta go. Catch you later.
GEORGE EXITS
ELAINE
That cheapskate. No wonder Buzz Aldrin hated him.
KRAMER
Buzz Aldrin? He's a phoney.
JERRY
What d'you mean - phoney?
KRAMER
He didn't walk on the moon, Jerry. No one did. It was all filmed on a Hollywood set.
JERRY
The whole thing? Rockets, landing, moon walks?
KRAMER
Faked. One big contrick by the CIA.
ELAINE
What about the moon rocks?
KRAMER
From a volcano. Ever see a moon rock? Can't do it. Phoney.
JERRY
But why?
KRAMER
To fool the russians, Jerry. The wouldn't want to go to the moon if we got there first.
JERRY
So we pretended to go to the moon to stop the Russians from actually going?
KRAMER
Now you're wising up.
JERRY
I'm glad we had this discussion.
KRAMER
You better believe it, buddy.
INT. GYM.
ELAINE, WRAPPED IN A TOWEL, HAS JUST SHOWERED AND IS COMBING HER WET HAIR.
SANDY ENTERS AND STARTS CHANGING HER TRAINERS.
ELAINE
(THINKS TO HERSELF) Oh look. Jerry's pal little miss tone deaf.
Mebbe I should offer to soap her down. Hah! Men are such idiots.
ELAINE LAUGHS OUT LOUD
SANDY
Something funny?
ELAINE
What? Oh no. I was just thinking something.
SANDY
You're Elaine, aren't you. Jerry's ex girlfriend.
ELAINE
Yeah.
SANDY
I can see why he dumped you.
SANDY EXITS LEAVING ELAINE OPEN MOUTHED IN AMAZEMENT.
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT.
JERRY, GEORGE AND ELAINE.
JERRY
'I can see why he dumped you?' Sandy said that?
ELAINE
Yup. Looked me right in the eye and - pow! - out of nowhere.
JERRY
Did you do something to upset her?
ELAINE
Nope. Why would she think you dumped me?
What was it about me at that precise moment that caused her to jump to that conclusion?
Am I some hideous blob?
GEORGE
Perhaps your hair was a mess?
ELAINE
George, my hair is never a mess. I use a shampoo with 13 different herbs and oils.
Then I rinse with Jojoba juice for that silky sheen.
GEORGE
Jojoba juice? Mebbe I should try that.
JERRY
You? You don't need shampoo. You need polish.
GEORGE
(ANGRY) George, isn't liking these bald jokes!
ELAINE
Mebbe I should stick around and talk to Sandy. Ask her what she meant.
JERRY
Elaine, I really like Sandy. I don't want you ruining it.
ELAINE
You know me, Jerry. I'm a natural diplomat. I'll smooth things over.
THERE'S A COMMOTION IN THE HALL. JERRY OPENS THE DOOR TO SEE KRAMER, BOUNCING ON A POGOSTICK.
JERRY
How's it going?
KRAMER
Pretty good. I can manage 8 now.
JERRY
Good for you.
JERRY CLOSES THE DOOR. THERE IS A LOUD CRASH OUTSIDE. KRAMER HAS FALLEN OFF.
JERRY
That's a shame.
INT. LAWYER JACKIE CHILES OFFICE.
JACKIE CHILES IS SEATED BEHIND HIS DESK.
HIS INTERCOM BUZZES.
INTERCOM
A Cosmo Kramer here to see you.
JACKIE
Cosmo Kramer? Oh no. Tell him I'm indisposed, incapacitated and incommunicado.
KRAMER ENTERS. HE HAS A BIG WHITE BANDAGE ROUND HIS HEAD.
KRAMER
Hey, Jackie.
JACKIE
Damn! What happened to your fool head?
KRAMER
I fell off a pogostick.
JACKIE
A pogostick? I didn't know you had a pogostick? What were you doing on a pogostick?
What the hell's a pogostick anyway?
KRAMER
Bouncing. For charity.
JACKIE
Did the pogostick come with instructions?
KRAMER
Nope.
JAKIE
Any warnings pogosticks are injurious to health?
KRAMER
Nope.
JACKIE
No crash helmet or safety gear supplied?
KRAMER
Not a thing. What d'you think, Jackie? Have we got a case?
JACKIE
Kramer, your cracked skull is my case. This pogostick company is guilty of endangering the public - namely you. Here, have a cigar.
INT. POGOSTICK COMPANY OFFICE.
KRAMER, JACKIE CHILES AND THE PRESIDENT OF THE COMPANY.
PRESIDENT
Mr Chiles, I really don't see that you have much of a case.
Our pogostick is primarily designed as a childrens toy.
It's not meant for a man of Mr Kramer's advanced years.
JACKIE
Does it say so on the box?
PRESIDENT
Well, no. Surely it's common sense?
JACKIE
Sense? Take a look at my client, Mr Kramer here. Note the crazy hair.
The vacant eyes. The slack jaw.
Here is a man with absolutely no sense at all, common or otherwise.
PRESIDENT
Since you put it like that.
I'm prepared to offer your client 25,000 dollars to drop his claim.
KRAMER
Oh yeah.
JACKIE
Oh no. We want 250,000 dollars. Not a dime less.
PRESIDENT
A quarter of a million dollars? That's preposterous.
JACKIE
We'll see you in court.
INT. KRAMER'S APARTMENT.
KRAMER ANSWERS A KNOCK ON THE DOOR.
IT'S DARLENE, A BEAUTIFUL BLONDE IN A LOW CUT DRESS THAT SHOWS OFF HER LARGE BREASTS.
DARLENE
Hi. I'm Darlene. The pogostick company sent me to discuss your claim, Mr Kramer.
May I call you Cosmo?
KRAMER
Giddyup.
DARLENE
Can I come in...Cosmo?
KRAMER
Giddy giddyup.
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. JERRY AND SANDY.
SANDY
Are you ready, Jerry? The Beatles auction starts in an hour.
And we've got to get all the way downtown.
KNOCK ON THE DOOR. ELAINE ENTERS.
ELAINE
Hi, Jerry. Hi, Sandy. I was hoping to find you here.
SANDY
What do you want?
ELAINE
Remember that day at the gym? You looked at me and said you could see why Jerry dumped me?
JERRY
Elaine....
SANDY
It still hurts, doesn't it, Elaine. Being dumped.
JERRY
I didn't dump Elaine. It was an amicable parting.
SANDY
That is so typical of you, Jerry. Sparing her feelings.
ELAINE
But what was it that day that made you think, however wrongly, Jerry dumped me?
Was it my hair? My eyes? My ever so slightly prominent chin?
SANDY
I guess pretty much the whole package.
ELAINE
Ri-ght. The whole package. Well,someone's about to get a swift kick up the kazoo.
SANDY
Look at the time. We're going to miss the auction.
SANDY EXITS.
ELAINE
You don't get away from me that easy, missy!
ELAINE EXITS.
INT. LAWYER JACKIE CHILES OFFICE.
JACKIE, KRAMER AND DARLENE.
KRAMER AND DARLENE ARE ARM IN ARM, VERY TOUCHY FEELY.
JACKIE
Where you been? The trial starts in an hour.
KRAMER
I've dropped the claim, Jackie.
JACKIE
Dropped the claim? What d'you mean, dropped the claim?
Did I tell you to drop the claim?
Who told you to drop the claim?
KRAMER
Darlene. Her company is sponsering me in a smooch-a-thon.
JACKIE
Smooch-a-thon? What the hell's a smooch-a-thon?
KRAMER
They pay me 10 cents every time I kiss Darlene.
DARLENE
We're up to 63 dollars.
THEY KISS
KRAMER
63 dollars. And 10 cents.
JACKIE
I've been hornswaggled, hogtied and hoodwinked.
This is the bitterest of all my many humiliations.
INT. NYC AUCTION HOUSE.
JERRY, ELAINE AND SANDY ARE SEATED IN A ROW.
ELAINE AND SANDY GLARE AT EACH OTHER.
AUCTIONEER
Lot 657. Pair of featherdown pillows used by the Beatles during their stay in New York in 1964. Do I hear 50 dollars?
SANDY BIDS
AUCTIONEER
50 bid. Do I have 100?
ELAINE BIDS
AUCTIONEER
100 BID.
SANDY BIDS. ELAINE COUNTER BIDS.
AUCTIONEER
150. 200. 250. 300. 350. 400. 450. 500.
SANDY
600 dollars!
ELAINE
700!
SANDY
800!
ELAINE
1,000 dollars!
AUCTIONEER
1,000 dollars. Going once. Twice. Sold.
ELAINE SMILES TRIUMPHANTLY AT SANDY, WHO SULKS WITH HER ARMS FOLDED.
AUCTIONEER
Finally, Lot 658. A pair of Ringo Starr's underpants. Do I hear 100 dollars?
JERRY SCRATCHES HIS NOSE.
AUCTIONEER
100 bid.
JERRY
What? No! I scratched my nose.
AUCTIONEER
At 100 dollars. Going once. Twice. Sold.
JERRY
I scratched my nose!
EXT. NYC STREET.
ELAINE IS CARRYING THE BEATLE PILLOWS. JERRY RINGO STARR'S UNDERPANTS.
JERRY
I scratched my nose. What am I supposed to do with Ringo Starr's old underpants?
ELAINE
(YAWNS) Feeling sleepy. Think I'll go have a nap on my Beatle pillows.
SANDY
Those are my pillows!
SANDY GRABS A PILLOW.
ELAINE
You give that back!
SANDY HITS ELAINE WITH THE PILLOW. ELAINE HITS BACK. THEY POUND EACH OTHER.
A CROWD GATHERS TO WATCH.
THE PILLOWS SPLIT. ENVELOPING EALINE AND SANDY IN A CLOUD OF FEATHERS.
MAN IN CROWD
Chickfight! Man, this is just like spring break. Woo! Woo! Woo!
IN THE DISTANCE, A POLICE SIREN.
EXT. OUTSIDE A NYC POLICE PRECINCT.
JERRY AND ELAINE WALK FORM THE P STATION TO JERRY'S CAR. ELAINE IS COVERED IN FEATHERS.
ELAINE
(DAZED) I just spent 1,000 bucks on pillows. Got arrested for public disorder.
And a lesbian wants me as her bitch.
JERRY
And your car got towed. It's in the pound.
ELAINE
Jerry, this is the worst day of my life.
JERRY
On the plus side, Sandy and I didn't break up.
JERRY STARTS TO HUM A BEATLES TUNE.
THE END
****************************AUTHOR'S NOTE************************************
Joking apart, the Beatles' Revolution 9 is obviously a valid artistic creation.
No insult intended on my part.
*****************************************************************************
Enjoy the script? Let me know at [email protected]
Or post a review at fanfiction.net
***
A Seinfeld fan's script by pjazz
2003
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT
JERRY IS SEATED ON THE SOFA WATCHING HIS NEW GIRLFRIEND, SANDY, DO AEROBICS.
A TAPE DECK IS PLAYING MUSIC. SANDY IS IN A TIGHT LEOTARD.
SHE LOOKS A LOT LIKE DENISE RICHARDS.
SANDY
C'mon, Jerry. Join in.
JERRY
I'm fine here in the audience.
SANDY
Audience? I didn't realise I was putting on a show.
JERRY
Oh it's a show alright.
SANDY
Well, mister, I might charge an admission fee.
TAPE ENDS
SANDY
Whew! I need water. Jerry, change the tape could you?
JERRY SWAPS TAPES. THE BEATLES PLAY.
JERRY
You like the Beatles?
SANDY
My favourite band. I've got a big crush on John Lennon.
JERRY
You realise he's dead.
SANDY
Silly. And I know I wasn't even born when they were a group. I still love them.
There's an auction of Beatles memorabilia downtown soon. I'll buy you a Beatles wig.
JERRY
More of a quiff man myself.I have a friend could use the wig though.
What's your Beatles favourite track?
SANDY
Revolution 9. On the White Album.
JERRY
The one that's all random static? No lyrics or melody?
SANDY
Cool, huh?
INT. NYC DELI.
GEORGE IS WAITING IN LINE AT THE COUNTER.
AHEAD OF HIM IS BUZZ ALDRIN, THE APOLLO ASTRONAUT.
GEORGE
Aren't you Buzz Aldrin?
BUZZ
Yes, I am.
GEORGE
Wow. I'm a big fan of yours, sir. Big fan.
BUZZ
Thank you.
GEORGE
Not as a big a fan as I am of Neil Armstrong, naturally. He was first on the moon, you were only second . You know what they say. First is first. Second is nowhere.
BUZZ
Really.
GEORGE
Do you know what I think your first words when you walked on the moon should have been? 'Neil was first, but I try harder.'
BUZZ
'Neil was first, but I try harder?'
GEORGE
It's like a skit of the car rental slogan. 'We try harder.'
BUZZ
I see.
GEORGE
Ah, you weren't to know. Other things on your mind. 'Will the rocket work?'
'Are we going to die up here or burn up on reentry' That sort of stuff.
BUZZ
Who are you?
GEORGE
Costanza. George Costanza. You know, if it had been me up there with Neil Armstrong I'd have hidden his space helmet then snuck out the lunar module first while he was still looking for it.
BUZZ
The lunar module was very cramped, Mr Costanza. I'm sure Neil would have found his space helmet very quickly.
GEORGE
Take it with you out on the surface. Then he's screwed.
You're first on the moon. You get all the glory.
BUZZ
Mr Costanza, I would have been court martialed. Neil was the mission commander.
It was his perogative to be first out.
GEORGE
(SNORTS) Perogative! This is history we're talking about here.
BUZZ
This is absurd.
GEORGE
So, Buzz, got any more trips into space planned?
BUZZ
You are the most irritating man I've ever met.
INT. MONK'S. JERRY, GEORGE AND ELAINE.
ELAINE
Her favourite Beatles track is 'Revolution 9', the one with all the static?
What is she - tone deaf?
JERRY
I know. It's very perplexing. In every other respect Sandy's completely normal.
ELAINE
I think I saw Sandy at my gym. We were in the showers together.
JERRY
In the showers?
GEORGE
Together?
JERRY AND GEORGE EXCHANGE A LOOK. ELAINE NOTICES.
ELAINE
(SARCASTIC) Yeah. W e soaped each other down. Then the other women joined in.
It was one big soap-o-rama.
JERRY
Elaine, don't tease us. We're flesh and blood.
ELAINE
Gimme a break. You really think that stuff goes on?
JERRY
Yes we do. That and the pillow fights in your underwear.
ELAINE
Don't you have a communal shower at your gym?
JERRY
Sure. I never use it. Only the private cubicle.
ELAINE
Why not?
JERRY
It's like prison. The risk of dropping the soap is too great. I can't chance it.
ELAINE
Suppose the cubicle is out of order?
GEORGE
Then we drive home in our smelly, sweaty gym clothes.
ELAINE
The more I learn about men the more I think women should be dating chimpanzees.
GEORGE
Guess who I met in the deli today - Buzz Aldrin.
JERRY
The second man on the moon?
GEORGE
Yeah. He was buying salami slices.
JERRY
Oh no. You didn't try the line on him?
ELAINE
What? What line?
JERRY
George dreamt up this line Buzz Aldrin should have said on the moon.
GEORGE
'Neil was first, but I try harder.' It's a great line. Like the car rental slogan.
JERRY
What did Buzz think?
GEORGE
(SNORTS)HAh, he might be an big space hero, but he has no imagination whatsoever.
ELAINE
Hated it, huh?
GEORGE
He said I was the most irritating person he'd ever met.
JERRY
Buzz Aldrin insulted you? You've been insulted by many many people, but never by an astronaut. Congratulations.
ELAINE
I read somewhere Buzz Aldrin was the first person to take a leak on the moon.
JERRY
So what you're saying Elaine, is that as Buzz Aldrin stepped on the moon, in front of a tv audience of millions worldwide, his first words should be 'Hey Neil, I just peed my pants'?
KRAMER ENTERS. SITS AT BOOTH.
KRAMER
Hey, I need you all to sponser me.
JERRY
Why, you running the New York marathon?
KRAMER
NO. A sponsered pogostick bounce.
JERRY
Pogostick bounce? What are you - 10 years old?
KRAMER
It's for charity, Jerry. 10 cents a bounce. Some kid can do over a million.
He's in the Guinness Book of Records.
ELAINE
Aren't you in there too? Under World's Biggest Doofus?
JERRY
How many can you do?
KRAMER
Five.
JERRY
50 cents? Sure I'm in.
ELAINE
Me too.
GEORGE
Er, I gotta go. Catch you later.
GEORGE EXITS
ELAINE
That cheapskate. No wonder Buzz Aldrin hated him.
KRAMER
Buzz Aldrin? He's a phoney.
JERRY
What d'you mean - phoney?
KRAMER
He didn't walk on the moon, Jerry. No one did. It was all filmed on a Hollywood set.
JERRY
The whole thing? Rockets, landing, moon walks?
KRAMER
Faked. One big contrick by the CIA.
ELAINE
What about the moon rocks?
KRAMER
From a volcano. Ever see a moon rock? Can't do it. Phoney.
JERRY
But why?
KRAMER
To fool the russians, Jerry. The wouldn't want to go to the moon if we got there first.
JERRY
So we pretended to go to the moon to stop the Russians from actually going?
KRAMER
Now you're wising up.
JERRY
I'm glad we had this discussion.
KRAMER
You better believe it, buddy.
INT. GYM.
ELAINE, WRAPPED IN A TOWEL, HAS JUST SHOWERED AND IS COMBING HER WET HAIR.
SANDY ENTERS AND STARTS CHANGING HER TRAINERS.
ELAINE
(THINKS TO HERSELF) Oh look. Jerry's pal little miss tone deaf.
Mebbe I should offer to soap her down. Hah! Men are such idiots.
ELAINE LAUGHS OUT LOUD
SANDY
Something funny?
ELAINE
What? Oh no. I was just thinking something.
SANDY
You're Elaine, aren't you. Jerry's ex girlfriend.
ELAINE
Yeah.
SANDY
I can see why he dumped you.
SANDY EXITS LEAVING ELAINE OPEN MOUTHED IN AMAZEMENT.
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT.
JERRY, GEORGE AND ELAINE.
JERRY
'I can see why he dumped you?' Sandy said that?
ELAINE
Yup. Looked me right in the eye and - pow! - out of nowhere.
JERRY
Did you do something to upset her?
ELAINE
Nope. Why would she think you dumped me?
What was it about me at that precise moment that caused her to jump to that conclusion?
Am I some hideous blob?
GEORGE
Perhaps your hair was a mess?
ELAINE
George, my hair is never a mess. I use a shampoo with 13 different herbs and oils.
Then I rinse with Jojoba juice for that silky sheen.
GEORGE
Jojoba juice? Mebbe I should try that.
JERRY
You? You don't need shampoo. You need polish.
GEORGE
(ANGRY) George, isn't liking these bald jokes!
ELAINE
Mebbe I should stick around and talk to Sandy. Ask her what she meant.
JERRY
Elaine, I really like Sandy. I don't want you ruining it.
ELAINE
You know me, Jerry. I'm a natural diplomat. I'll smooth things over.
THERE'S A COMMOTION IN THE HALL. JERRY OPENS THE DOOR TO SEE KRAMER, BOUNCING ON A POGOSTICK.
JERRY
How's it going?
KRAMER
Pretty good. I can manage 8 now.
JERRY
Good for you.
JERRY CLOSES THE DOOR. THERE IS A LOUD CRASH OUTSIDE. KRAMER HAS FALLEN OFF.
JERRY
That's a shame.
INT. LAWYER JACKIE CHILES OFFICE.
JACKIE CHILES IS SEATED BEHIND HIS DESK.
HIS INTERCOM BUZZES.
INTERCOM
A Cosmo Kramer here to see you.
JACKIE
Cosmo Kramer? Oh no. Tell him I'm indisposed, incapacitated and incommunicado.
KRAMER ENTERS. HE HAS A BIG WHITE BANDAGE ROUND HIS HEAD.
KRAMER
Hey, Jackie.
JACKIE
Damn! What happened to your fool head?
KRAMER
I fell off a pogostick.
JACKIE
A pogostick? I didn't know you had a pogostick? What were you doing on a pogostick?
What the hell's a pogostick anyway?
KRAMER
Bouncing. For charity.
JACKIE
Did the pogostick come with instructions?
KRAMER
Nope.
JAKIE
Any warnings pogosticks are injurious to health?
KRAMER
Nope.
JACKIE
No crash helmet or safety gear supplied?
KRAMER
Not a thing. What d'you think, Jackie? Have we got a case?
JACKIE
Kramer, your cracked skull is my case. This pogostick company is guilty of endangering the public - namely you. Here, have a cigar.
INT. POGOSTICK COMPANY OFFICE.
KRAMER, JACKIE CHILES AND THE PRESIDENT OF THE COMPANY.
PRESIDENT
Mr Chiles, I really don't see that you have much of a case.
Our pogostick is primarily designed as a childrens toy.
It's not meant for a man of Mr Kramer's advanced years.
JACKIE
Does it say so on the box?
PRESIDENT
Well, no. Surely it's common sense?
JACKIE
Sense? Take a look at my client, Mr Kramer here. Note the crazy hair.
The vacant eyes. The slack jaw.
Here is a man with absolutely no sense at all, common or otherwise.
PRESIDENT
Since you put it like that.
I'm prepared to offer your client 25,000 dollars to drop his claim.
KRAMER
Oh yeah.
JACKIE
Oh no. We want 250,000 dollars. Not a dime less.
PRESIDENT
A quarter of a million dollars? That's preposterous.
JACKIE
We'll see you in court.
INT. KRAMER'S APARTMENT.
KRAMER ANSWERS A KNOCK ON THE DOOR.
IT'S DARLENE, A BEAUTIFUL BLONDE IN A LOW CUT DRESS THAT SHOWS OFF HER LARGE BREASTS.
DARLENE
Hi. I'm Darlene. The pogostick company sent me to discuss your claim, Mr Kramer.
May I call you Cosmo?
KRAMER
Giddyup.
DARLENE
Can I come in...Cosmo?
KRAMER
Giddy giddyup.
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. JERRY AND SANDY.
SANDY
Are you ready, Jerry? The Beatles auction starts in an hour.
And we've got to get all the way downtown.
KNOCK ON THE DOOR. ELAINE ENTERS.
ELAINE
Hi, Jerry. Hi, Sandy. I was hoping to find you here.
SANDY
What do you want?
ELAINE
Remember that day at the gym? You looked at me and said you could see why Jerry dumped me?
JERRY
Elaine....
SANDY
It still hurts, doesn't it, Elaine. Being dumped.
JERRY
I didn't dump Elaine. It was an amicable parting.
SANDY
That is so typical of you, Jerry. Sparing her feelings.
ELAINE
But what was it that day that made you think, however wrongly, Jerry dumped me?
Was it my hair? My eyes? My ever so slightly prominent chin?
SANDY
I guess pretty much the whole package.
ELAINE
Ri-ght. The whole package. Well,someone's about to get a swift kick up the kazoo.
SANDY
Look at the time. We're going to miss the auction.
SANDY EXITS.
ELAINE
You don't get away from me that easy, missy!
ELAINE EXITS.
INT. LAWYER JACKIE CHILES OFFICE.
JACKIE, KRAMER AND DARLENE.
KRAMER AND DARLENE ARE ARM IN ARM, VERY TOUCHY FEELY.
JACKIE
Where you been? The trial starts in an hour.
KRAMER
I've dropped the claim, Jackie.
JACKIE
Dropped the claim? What d'you mean, dropped the claim?
Did I tell you to drop the claim?
Who told you to drop the claim?
KRAMER
Darlene. Her company is sponsering me in a smooch-a-thon.
JACKIE
Smooch-a-thon? What the hell's a smooch-a-thon?
KRAMER
They pay me 10 cents every time I kiss Darlene.
DARLENE
We're up to 63 dollars.
THEY KISS
KRAMER
63 dollars. And 10 cents.
JACKIE
I've been hornswaggled, hogtied and hoodwinked.
This is the bitterest of all my many humiliations.
INT. NYC AUCTION HOUSE.
JERRY, ELAINE AND SANDY ARE SEATED IN A ROW.
ELAINE AND SANDY GLARE AT EACH OTHER.
AUCTIONEER
Lot 657. Pair of featherdown pillows used by the Beatles during their stay in New York in 1964. Do I hear 50 dollars?
SANDY BIDS
AUCTIONEER
50 bid. Do I have 100?
ELAINE BIDS
AUCTIONEER
100 BID.
SANDY BIDS. ELAINE COUNTER BIDS.
AUCTIONEER
150. 200. 250. 300. 350. 400. 450. 500.
SANDY
600 dollars!
ELAINE
700!
SANDY
800!
ELAINE
1,000 dollars!
AUCTIONEER
1,000 dollars. Going once. Twice. Sold.
ELAINE SMILES TRIUMPHANTLY AT SANDY, WHO SULKS WITH HER ARMS FOLDED.
AUCTIONEER
Finally, Lot 658. A pair of Ringo Starr's underpants. Do I hear 100 dollars?
JERRY SCRATCHES HIS NOSE.
AUCTIONEER
100 bid.
JERRY
What? No! I scratched my nose.
AUCTIONEER
At 100 dollars. Going once. Twice. Sold.
JERRY
I scratched my nose!
EXT. NYC STREET.
ELAINE IS CARRYING THE BEATLE PILLOWS. JERRY RINGO STARR'S UNDERPANTS.
JERRY
I scratched my nose. What am I supposed to do with Ringo Starr's old underpants?
ELAINE
(YAWNS) Feeling sleepy. Think I'll go have a nap on my Beatle pillows.
SANDY
Those are my pillows!
SANDY GRABS A PILLOW.
ELAINE
You give that back!
SANDY HITS ELAINE WITH THE PILLOW. ELAINE HITS BACK. THEY POUND EACH OTHER.
A CROWD GATHERS TO WATCH.
THE PILLOWS SPLIT. ENVELOPING EALINE AND SANDY IN A CLOUD OF FEATHERS.
MAN IN CROWD
Chickfight! Man, this is just like spring break. Woo! Woo! Woo!
IN THE DISTANCE, A POLICE SIREN.
EXT. OUTSIDE A NYC POLICE PRECINCT.
JERRY AND ELAINE WALK FORM THE P STATION TO JERRY'S CAR. ELAINE IS COVERED IN FEATHERS.
ELAINE
(DAZED) I just spent 1,000 bucks on pillows. Got arrested for public disorder.
And a lesbian wants me as her bitch.
JERRY
And your car got towed. It's in the pound.
ELAINE
Jerry, this is the worst day of my life.
JERRY
On the plus side, Sandy and I didn't break up.
JERRY STARTS TO HUM A BEATLES TUNE.
THE END
****************************AUTHOR'S NOTE************************************
Joking apart, the Beatles' Revolution 9 is obviously a valid artistic creation.
No insult intended on my part.
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