JMJ

If Wishes were Cheap-shots

Chapter One

"Ramaraffe, c'mon, girl! Let's show 'em the upgrade!" shouted Boss Hosstrich.

"Oh, boy! My new ultimate attack!" said Ramaraffe happy to be of use as Hosstrich grabbed her head and started firing machine-gun-like pellets out of her mouth while he pulled on her ears.

The battle raged. Emotions were high in a struggle of sweat and strife.

…Or at least, for one side this was true. For Mao Mao and his friends it was just a slightly longer exercise with the Sky Pirates.

"Let's see…" mused Badgerclops coming to a stop once he had blasted Ratarang, Ramaraffe, and Boss Hosstrich up into the air.

After a crash in the distance behind the woodland, there echoed a faint call, "We're okay!" but Badgerclops did not seem to hear them.

"Either my robo-arm's clock is a little off today or those three lasted about thirty-nine seconds longer than usual," Badgerclops finished with a careless shrug.

Hovering near him suddenly, Adorabat cried, "Does that mean we're losing edge?"

"Nah, just means the Sky Pirates are more on edge today," said Badgerclops.

"More like edgier!" remarked Orangusnake brightly suddenly breaking off from fighting Mao Mao.

"Mmm, maybe…" Badgerclops said with a shrug. "But I think y'all are more on edge. Maybe you guys need a break or something."

"Oh! They're just over the edge in more ways than one!"

This was Mao Mao, and he was just coming in on a wonderfully agile swoop with katana singing sweetly through the air— ah! that sound of wind and metal.

The edge of a cliff was just on hand, and understanding exactly what Mao Mao meant to do, Orangusnake let out a shriek and held up his laser-axe more for defense than to fight him back. He cowered under the axe like a person with hydrophobia under an umbrella during a rain storm.

It was enough to block the blow to save him from flying, but it was not enough to save him from being knocked to the ground through Mao Mao's powerful skills that made him stronger than Orangusnake despite the cat being quite smaller.

On top of the sky pirate now, Mao Mao no longer looked cheeky. What had begun as fun had turned out tedious. In the end, he just really wished that those Sky Pirates and their lame psychotic villainy would never return to the valley after this fight. But for the moment he and Orangusnake's weapons were locked.

"GO, MAO MAO!" cried Adorabat at the top of her lungs.

Badgerclops right next to her winced a little.

But although Orangusnake was on his back, he could not be flipped just yet.

Both hero and villain clenched their teeth and slowly turned their heads with concentration and irritation, but neither would let up. Suddenly Orangusnake opened his eyes to see how close he really was to the edge of the cliff. The shoulder plates of his armor were skidding little stones into the empty air where his head hovered above the brink.

He gasped and the lock of weapons was broken. The combatants spun around as they did. Orangusnake was on his feet.

Oh, if only Mao Mao would leave and never come back! he thought.

They were astride the cliff now. If both had been equally matched as fighters it could have been either one of them thrown from the cliff by his adversary. But they were not equally matched, and Orangusnake knew it. Sweat dripped from his face. Moist palms made his grip on the axe handle like glue

He would never defeat Mao Mao. The cat did not look tired at all.

Orangusnake's rage turned to panic as Mao Mao made to perform his final light charging swing.

It was for Orangusnake a movement in slow-motion, and he could do nothing to stop the impending flight.

It was more of an involuntary act of self-defense than any attempt at cleverness that made Orangusnake thrust out his finger and desperately shout, "What's that!?"

He must have said it convincingly enough. Mao Mao really did put a sudden pause in the drama and action lighting to see if some flying saucer was not in the sky above them.

"Huh, what?" he demanded.

Orangusnake sneered and swung his fist rather than his axe.

"Mao Mao!" shouted Adorabat and Badgerclops.

"Psych!" shrieked Orangusnake with unbridled glee as he felt that small, lithe body bash back against his knuckles and away from him.

A pained and shocked "Mew!" escaped Mao Mao. He did not fling into the sky and land somewhere safely in the distance like the Sky Pirates usually did either. As a main character and not a comedic villain, he sailed over the cliff and down the raging waterfall that for some reason no one had noticed before that moment had even existed.

Adorabat and Badgerclops joined Orangusnake at the edge of the falls just in time to see the black silhouette disappear in mist and shadowy forms of jagged stones like monstrous teeth ready to devoir him. The sound of his cry was drowned out in the roaring water.

Blinking stupidly, it took some moments for Orangusnake to come to his senses enough to say, "Did I beat him?"

Mao Mao did not come back.

There was no sign of him anywhere.

A slow smile crept over the snake's face. A twitch flicked his eyelid, and a pleasant hissing echoed from his tongue.

"I can't believe it!" he shouted, and he laughed with a leap and an orangutan whoop from the Tanner-half's mouth. "I did it! I hit him! I beat him! I might have actually k—"

BLAST!

He had forgotten about Badgerclops and Adorabat. As they woke from their own shock, Badgerclops had wasted not even a millisecond firing his laser cannon through his robo-arm. With a deep frown he stood motionless through the trail of smoke until Orangusnake's scream ended and he landed with a thud somewhere in the distance.

"I'm okay…!" he croaked.

Badgerclops did not care and neither did Adorabat.

Adorabat landed on his shoulder.

"What happened to Mao Mao?" she asked her lower lip puckering as she lifted her face from the angry waters.

Her huge eyes swelled with tears on the verge of deciding whether this was time to cry.

"Oh, I'm sure he's okay," said Badgerclops. "He's a ninja master or whatever. He probably just swung into a cave behind the waterfall and he's fine… Well, you know, except for having his pride hurt for falling for a cheap trick like that by a guy like Orangusnake. I mean, if I got hit by Orangusnake like that in a psych out, I probably wouldn't want to come up right away either, and we all know how sensitive Mao Mao is."

"What if there isn't a cave behind the waterfall?" Adorabat demanded.

Badgerclops smiled. "There's always a cave behind the waterfall."

Silence.

Only the sound of the waterfall echoed behind them.

"Oh, alright, fine, we'll go look," grumbled Badgerclops, "but you fly up ahead so I don't have to climb any farther than I have to, okay? Climbing down rocks is way more than walking."

"Deal."

So down they went along the side of the cliff to the pool of water at the bottom of the falls and the jagged sharp rocks that stuck out of it. Through the mist and sprays of water the pair squinted behind the waterfall. Adorabat flew as far as she could without being flushed away by the falls. The surface behind the waterfall was as flat as a wall, and there was no opening to even the smallest cave.

What she found instead made even Badgerclops concerned, however: The shredded remains of a very familiar red cape. As she tried to grab it, she only snatched a couple threads before it washed further downstream much to her dismay.

"That still isn't proof that Orangusnake beat him," said Badgerclops trying to sound hopeful, but Adorabat did not believe his sincerity.

"Even if he did beat him," Adorabat snapped, "that doesn't mean Mao Mao's de—"

Badgerclops clamped his hand over her mouth, and she glared dangerously at him. When her mouth was released she started screaming at the top her lungs again, "HEY! What's the big idea! I—!"

After clamping her mouth shut again, Badgerclops whispered into her ear, and her face fell.

"Oh…"

"But either way I'm sure Mao Mao will come back," Badgerclops said. "I bet if we go home, order a pizza and open up a round of coke he'll be ringing that doorbell before the delivery man does."

"Promise?" asked Adorabat, her eyes so watery with hope that they began to sparkle just a little in spite of her puckered lower lip.

Badgerclops grinned, "Sure!"

Ding, Dong! The doorbell rang merrily back at the Sheriff's Office and main base for Mao Mao and his deputies.

"I'll get it!" said Badgerclops who was sitting near the front door anyway; though he made his way slowly as he concentrated on his Switch pad.

"No way! I'll get it!" cried Adorabat.

Badgerclops opened the door and just as his nose had promised, the pizza was nice and hot and spicy! He took a big extra whiff as the delivery boy held it up to him. The exhale Badgerclops made afterwards was the dreamiest sigh of goodness.

Right behind him like a savage poodle, Adorabat glowered with a deep overcast. Her sharp teeth ground together so hard they squeaked.

"Oh, yeah!" said Badgerclops reaching for his wallet. "Canadian bacon, Italian sausage, and home-nitrated pepperoni, mixed deep-fried vegetable with white sauce and cheese in the crust."

"Cheese in the crust…" seethed Adorabat.

Just as the delivery boy and Badgerclops switched money for pizza, Adorabat bolted outside and grabbed the delivery boy by the scruff. He was only a citizen of Pure Heart Valley. Well, so was Adorabat originally, but that's not the point. The delivery boy let out a shriek.

So did Badgerclops, honestly, because he almost dropped his pizza. Quickly, he clutched the box to his chest.

"'Cheese in the crust'!? You mean 'Mao Mao in the crust'!" snapped Adorabat unreasonably.

"Adorabat!" Badgerclops whined. "Come on! What's that gunna do?"

"Please! Please don't hurt me!" sobbed the delivery boy shivering like a half-drowned mouse, which he was as he was sopping wet with his own tears and sweat. "The order said cheese in the crust!"

Adorabat released her hold and the delivery boy fell into his back before scrambling towards the valley as fast as his legs could carry him.

On the ground, Adorabat was still fuming, breathing heavily and noisily with eyes blazing red.

"There, now that's better," said Badgerclops shoving a slice of pizza into his mouth to make sure the pizza was good.

Oh!

"Really better…!" sighed Badgerclops.

It was better than his nose had suggested.

With mouth still full of half-chewed cheese from the crust, he said, "See, you can handle those violent urges when you put your mind to it. I'm proud of you. Mao Moa will be proud of you when he gets back, y'know? And he'll be back tomorrow, I'm sure!" He paused and took out a small slice of pizza and handed to Adorabat. "Pizza?"

Her heavy breathing stopped and her swollen eyes bulged at the slice as though Badgerclops was offering a slice of particle board with manure on top. Her eyes shifted up to Badgerclops' encouraging closed eye. Then she clasped onto his face.

"Will he back?" she demanded. "WILL HE?"

"Would you mind letting go of my face?"

Adorabat dropped, and Badgerclops turned back inside the Sheriff's Office.

"Told you he was sensitive, and I'm beginning to see why he said that you remind him of him. But he's out there somewhere being emotional and when he's got it out of his system he'll come back. Y'know. If he doesn't make a stop at the junkyard to give Orangusnake and his pals a good flight lesson again."

Adorabat sighed, and as Badgerclops disappeared, the little bat girl looked up at the beautiful wash of tangerine, pink, and violet in the sky of the setting sun. The first twinkle of a star winked where the sky was turning dark blue.

"Somewhere out there…" she sang softly. "Yes, where dreams… Come troooooooooooooooooo…"

She was a little thin on the highest note, but it only made it all the more endearing.

"Did you really beat 'im, Boss?" asked Ramaraffe inside the broken ship that served as the Sky Pirate's base.

"I don't know…" said Orangusnake pacing as he spoke.

With one hand behind his back and the other rubbing his narrow serpentine chin, he mused. Eyes searched the ceiling, and his cape whipped atmospherically at every turn, casting dynamic shadows in the dim and eerie lighting.

His cronies followed him at every turn with their eyes as they stood as a group near at hand, but well out of his pacing path out of respect and not to get stepped on or kicked. He was not watching where he was going, after all.

"Are ya plottin' how to take the Ruby Pure Heart, Boss?" asked Boss Hosstrich.

"No…" said Orangusnake ominously.

"Say, then it's the Aero-Cycle first, right Boss?" said Ratarang lifting a paw anxiously.

Orangusnake paused and glared at the trio— past the trio, rather. His other hand joined the first around his back. He opened his mouth as though to say something profound, and his cronies hung on his inhale for the word that would proceed. With a lifted finger, he closed his eyes.

"No," he said.

The trio released their held breaths and eased their tense muscles with disappointment as their captain spun around again. The cape waved with a heavy whipping sound.

"No," he went on pacing again, "first we have to make certain that he's finished, my friends."

"Finished with what, Boss?" asked Ramaraffe.

Hosstrich motioned her over with a feathered digit. With eyes blinking widely and mouth o-shaped, Ramaraffe craned her head over to him on her long, retractable neck. Hosstrich whispered in her ear, and her eyes went wider and almost crossed.

"Oh…!" she said in awe.

Retracting back to her original position, she said, "I still don't get it, Boss."

Orangusnake sighed and his shoulders slumped. "Oh, that's fine, Ramaraffe. Just let's go to the river now that we can be sure Mao Mao's pals, the eating one and the shrieking one, are at home again. Then, if there's still no sign of Mao Mao's survival, we'll implement my plan to see if he's hiding out somewhere."

Shortly after this, with flashlights in hand, Orangusnake and the others reached the falls. They scoured the bottom, except for Ramaraffe who got distracted by making shadows with a nice leaf she found. The others found a gleam of scarlet.

"Hey!" cried Ratarang. "Look what I found over here! Guys!"

Everyone crowded around and looked down at the once beautiful cape. It was ripped and covered in grime as it lay limply upon a jutting stone.

Pushing the others out of the way in his excitement, Orangusnake snatched up the cape and examined it. Though, quickly realizing his rudeness, he turned to the others sheepishly.

"Sorry, I'm on edge," said Orangusnake.

"Completely pard'nable, Boss," said Hosstrich tipping his hat and closing his eyes sagely.

Orangusnake cleared his throat, still slightly embarrassed. Then he grew solemn.

"My friends," he said.

"We're gettin' the Aero-Cycle and the Ruby Pure Heart?" asked Ratarang.

Orangusnake blinked. "No. Stop, you made me lose my train of thought."

"Sorry, Boss."

"No, no, it's fine. It's fine."

The moon cast a beautifully atmospheric shadow over Orangusnake's face (actually it was just Ramaraffe's flashlight as she turned suddenly from her leaf shadows to the rest of the group). "First we peak through the Sheriff's Office windows and then we—"

"Excuse me, Boss," said Hosstrich with an elegant bow.

Orangusnake rolled his eyes and tossed down the scarlet cape.

"Yes, Boss Hosstrich?" demanded Orangusnake impatiently.

"Well, we still have all those surveillance cameras an' I already checked 'em. There is no sheriff at the Sheriff's Office, wounded or otherwise."

Orangusnake smiled, his non-existent lips curling Cheshire-cat like.

"Oh, really?" he hissed. "Then, gentlemen and… uh, Ramaraffe. Let's get ready for my last test before we're free men! And… Ramaraffe."

"D'uh, am I supposed to be offended as a woman, Boss?"

Orangusnake scratched the back of his head and shrugged. "Meh, maybe."

"Oh, well then I forgive you."

"Uh…" Orangusnake paused. "Thanks."

Ramaraffe beamed. "You're welcome!"