Chapter 13

Seven. That was the number of nights' worth of overnight sedatives Carlisle prescribed to help me sleep when he sent me home. It was probably more of a routine going-home prescription than something he really expected me to take. I shoved the little bottle in my bag anyway.

Not coincidentally, seven was also the number of nights I managed to sleep in my own bed, in Edward's protective embrace, before the first real nightmare hit me.

Even before that, none of that first week was pretty.

Day 1

It was late on a Saturday afternoon by the time the hospital got the paperwork done and got around to discharging me.

A good portion of the rest of that weekend was taken up with Charlie and Renee. She was leaving the next day for the airport, Sunday afternoon, going back home to Phil. Charlie was handling that pretty much the way I would have expected. He was a quiet, gruff mess. The ride home from the hospital with the two of them was awkward, to say the least, especially without Edward there to divert my attention.

Then it got more awkward. Charlie dug deep, found his courage, and asked her to just stay with him. Permanently.

She said no.

I wasn't four years old anymore. I still held my breath when he asked. I still felt like somebody had punched me right in the gut when she refused him.

Charlie was the one who'd just had the rug yanked out from under him. So why did it feel like I was the one who went into free fall?

Something about the whole thing affected me in a way that had nothing to do with the two of them. It had everything to do with me and Edward.

But it didn't really matter how I felt. Renee was flustered and upset, and Charlie was hiding in his bedroom, so it still fell on me — on my first night home — to help Renee get it together for her flight the next day

Packing her stuff wasn't the problem. Even she could do that. Finding it was the hard part, scattered through every room in the house, under couch cushions and beds. I was really, really starting to hate my crutches. Also, I'm really not sure what her earrings were doing in the kitchen cabinets behind the cereal, or her keys in the refrigerator behind the milk, but such was my childhood. I didn't bat an eye.

Charlie had other things to worry about, so he barely groused at all about Edward showing up at the door right after dinner, unexpectedly. I was surprised to see him too. My dad had been pretty clear, when we left the hospital, about wanting family time that night. Edward had let me go reluctantly, whispering in my ear that he would be there when I went to bed. So I hadn't expected to see him before then. But I certainly wasn't complaining.

I was so tired when I answered the door that I barely registered the tension in his frame, the intensity in his eyes as he studied me, the way he was asking "What's wrong, Bella?" the second the door cracked open, before he ever laid eyes on me.

Instead, I all but collapsed into his surprisingly fierce embrace for one contented moment, his mere presence making me feel better. His Volvo was parked in the driveway, I noted absently. Then I basically dragged him in the door without so much as a hello kiss and went right back to hobbling around in search of Renee's wallet.

I'd missed it at the door, but it became clear to me pretty quickly that he knew something was up with me before he ever showed up. I could feel his speculative eyes following my every step, concern radiating off of him in waves. I didn't have the energy to wonder why, but it was a safe bet Alice had something to do with it.

I didn't dwell on it. I had too much to do.

Until, rather suddenly, I didn't.

Vampires were very, very good at finding things, apparently. Renee's misplaced stuff started turning up at a superhuman rate. I didn't even tease him about it. With Renee, it takes a village.

Before I knew it, Renee was done packing and I was resting on the couch, which I was pretty sure was exactly what Edward intended. He sat close beside me, and I leaned ever so slightly into his shoulder as I visited with my mom on the last night I would have her close by.

He stayed out of the conversation, for the most part, other than when Renee asked him direct questions. She was trying to get a read on both him and on our relationship, and it set me more on edge than it usually would have. But Edward held my hand tightly in his, gently caressing my skin with his thumb, his message coming through loud and clear: I'm here.

Eventually, Edward "left for the night", but not before carefully pulling me into his arms at the door, like I was made of spun glass that might shatter at any moment. He watched me closely as he did it. Ever so softly, he pressed his lips to mine, a gentle kiss with so much tenderness that I thought I might actually give in and cry despite my determination not to.

His lips went to my ear. "Alice is going to meet me around the corner to take my car. I'll be right back." He brushed his lips across my cheek and then reluctantly walked out the door to drive away in his Volvo, looking back over his shoulder at me twice before he got there. It still made my heart stutter to see him leave, even though I knew he wasn't going far.

But when he was gone, reality hit. I went back to the living room and hugged my mom tightly for a long moment, barely able to believe that soon she would be gone again. Part of me had thought — had really hoped — that maybe she would just stay with Charlie after all. There was no doubt Charlie still loved her enough for them both.

I couldn't help drawing parallels, with me in the role of Charlie, and it sent me right into a tailspin.

If I was completely honest, I had been desperately hoping to see a demonstration that unconditional, forever love always wins after all. The fact that it didn't, right there in my own family, made me...uneasy at best. Renee and Charlie had been deeply in love at one point, too. Now only one of them was. Could that happen to me and Edward? Would he eventually bore of me the way Renee got bored of Charlie? Maybe it was in my genes. I was way too much like my father for my own good.

It couldn't be a good sign that Carlisle said I was Edward's mate, but Edward refused to use the word. I felt a burning pain inside every time that topic came to mind, which was often.

Maybe he didn't want that, didn't want something so permanent. He'd told Carlisle in the woods he had no intention of changing me, which put an inevitable time limit on the relationship.

My own thoughts were making my head hurt.

So I took my first of the little sedative pills, number one of seven, and carefully but wearily hobbled my way to the bathroom and then my room.

Edward was there, of course, standing in front of my bed, waiting for me. I'd avoided his worried eyes the entire evening, choosing to focus instead on the flurry of activity that was Renee and her upcoming departure.

Now there was no avoiding the topic of what was going on with me — that much was written all over his face — and I really didn't want to talk about it. I didn't really even know what "it" was, only that I felt strangely empty somehow.

I closed my door and stood with my back to it, not going any closer. Even I could feel how closed off my posture was, so there was little hope that Edward didn't notice it. I leaned on my crutches with them partly in front of me, like a big unwieldy shield.

"I'm fine," I tried to stave him off before he could even get started. "Really. I'm just tired." I didn't exactly meet his eyes, at least not for more than a millisecond at a time.

He moved at ordinary human speed, but he still wasted no time in crossing the distance between us. He calmly removed the crutches from my hands and then took me gently but firmly into his arms, just as my face crumpled with impending tears. I buried my face in my hands, against his chest.

He didn't seem terribly surprised when the first sob came out just a few seconds later. He just held me tightly and let me cry, one arm wrapped securely around my waist and the other hand stroking my hair. Occasionally, he pressed kisses into my hair, whispering that he was there, that he loved me, that it was all going to be okay.

He reiterated that he was right there a lot. Maybe he had a clue what was going on with me after all.

When he rubbed my back and sweetly offered to take me to Jacksonville himself, for my upcoming birthday or any other time I wanted to visit, I just cried harder and wrapped my arms fully around his waist. I held on for dear life. He'd figured out at least one other part of what was bothering me. Of course he had. Edward was nothing if not attentive where I was concerned, whether he could read my thoughts or not. Probably even more so because he couldn't.

But he still didn't know all of it, the part I could barely admit to myself.

By the time I'd cried myself out, I was also yawning into his chest, compliments of the sedative. I had pretty much given up all pretense of holding up my own weight, letting his strong arm hold me up. I felt more than heard his tiny affectionate chuckle when he lifted me, carrying me to my bed.

Thanks to the drug, I was fast asleep — a deep, dreamless sleep — almost before my head was back on his chest in my bed.

Sometime during the night, I was awakened by a loud crash. I sat bolt upright, gasping for air. My waist was immediately enveloped from behind by strong arms, cool lips brushing against my temple as Edward sat up with me and pulled me close. Like he had been on guard, waiting for exactly that type of reaction.

"It's all right, Bella. You're safe...I'm here. It's just a thunderstorm."

Light flashed through my bedroom window, followed by another crash. I expected it that time, but I still jumped.

I had no active memory of dreaming that night, but my subconscious must have been active. Because in my mind, that crash had been the sound of two mountains crashing into each other, the sound of impact when Edward and James had crashed repeatedly into one another. I absentmindedly rubbed my wrist, the crescent scar where James had bit me. Normally, I couldn't feel it. Tonight it was just a phantom pain, but there nonetheless.

Slowly, I tried to settle down my breathing, relaxing back against Edward. He swept the hair off my neck and began pressing soft kisses into my shoulder, his hands coming up to skim up and down my arms soothingly.

He tried to pull me back down, to lie against him again, but the last thing I wanted was to go back to sleep. There were too many things I was afraid to dream about. He didn't stop me when I resisted his pulling arms and scrambled into his lap sideways instead, locking my arms around his neck and resting my forehead against his shoulder.

He accepted my presence there readily, enfolding me in his embrace, but the light laugh that escaped him when he pressed his lips to the top of my head was as perplexed as it was amused.

"This is new," he remarked quietly, a smile in his voice, and kissed me again. "Since when are you afraid of thunderstorms?"

"Since now," I muttered into his neck, sounding the tiniest bit grumpy. It was just easier than going into it. Regardless of whether he teased me, he'd still worry. He'd worry more if he knew what the sound reminded me of. A shudder ran through me when thunder crashed again, rattling my windows this time, and I burrowed a little closer.

But maybe I hadn't given him enough credit. His eyes were serious, searching, when he pulled me back and tipped my chin up so he could look into my eyes.

"You'd tell me if something else was bothering you, wouldn't you?"

The fact that I couldn't meet his eyes at that was answer enough. When my focus dropped toward his nose, he dipped his head to put his eyes back in my line of sight, trying to recapture my gaze. Guilt must have been written all over my face. His sigh was frustrated. "Of course you wouldn't."

"It's nothing," I mumbled, embarrassed, ducking away from his hands. I stayed in his lap but I let go of him, choosing instead to stare at my hands I was now clenching together in my lap. "It's just...my mom."

That was at least a partial truth. I didn't want to lie to him, but what could I do? There was no possible way I was attempting to put it into words, to tell him that Renee's refusal to stay with Charlie was dragging up more insecurities about us than he could possibly imagine; that I had a near-primal urge for just one word from him to fix it, a word I would prefer not to have to ask him to say.

He would tell me my worries were completely unfounded — of course he would — but how could I help identifying with Charlie? There was absolutely nothing about me that should have a snowball's chance in hell of being able to hold onto Edward in the long term. I fit into his world about as well as boring Charlie fit into vivacious Renee's. The situation with James had proved that beyond a doubt.

He didn't answer my half-truth for so long that I finally looked up at him. I wasn't sure what I had expected, but the completely agonized look on his face wasn't it. I felt my heart start to beat faster.

Edward searched my eyes seriously, his brow furrowed like he was working up to something. Both hands came up to frame my face, holding me gently but securely in place where he could see my every reaction. "Bella...I'm going to ask you something, and I need you to tell me the truth — not what you think I want to hear."

"Okay," I agreed nervously, not at all sure that the truth would be what he got.

"Do you want to go with her? Is that what all this is about?"

"What?" I asked him, completely bewildered. Insecure or not, I hadn't been expecting that.

His tone was as gentle as his hands. "I don't want you to be unhappy. If you want to move to Jacksonville with your mother, you can tell me. I promise I won't stand in your way. I won't try to stop you, no matter how much I might want to. I just want you to be happy...and safe."

Maybe the sedative was dulling my senses, or maybe I'd just been through more ups and downs than one person should have to face in a month, much less in 24 hours, because I didn't immediately get it. "You can't live in Jacksonville," I pointed out. "It's sunny all the time."

He let go of my face and held me by my upper arms, just a bit too tightly. "That's the point. If it weren't for me, none of this would have happened to you. If I had been strong enough to leave you alone from the beginning, you would have never been in danger from James. You'd be far safer without me. I want to give you that chance, if that's what you want, but you have to tell me now. I'm not sure I'll ever find the strength to offer it again."

Every insecurity that had been whispering in my ear all night long suddenly started screaming. I felt my mouth fall slightly open, my heart start pounding like it was trying to escape my chest. "You want me to move to Jacksonville...without you?" Hurt flooded through me like a living force.

But his answer was immediate and unequivocal, calming my fluttering heart slightly. "No. What I want is to keep you forever. In fact...I want to talk to you about that, Bella, very soon. But first, I need to know I've at least given you the option of a normal human life, or I'll never be able to forgive myself."

The tears were coming again, and I didn't want that. So I launched myself at him desperately. I threw my arms around his neck, molded myself to him tightly, buried my face in his neck. He was surprised, but his arms closed around me instantly.

"Please don't say things like that," I begged him, and my voice was shaky. "You can't - you can't say things like that to me. You can't talk about leaving me."

His arms clutched me against him. "That's what you heard? God, Bella...why can't I read your mind?" His frustration with that fact had never been more evident. If he squeezed me any harder, he was going to hurt me, and he must have realized it. Carefully, deliberately, he pried me off of him and held me where he could see me. "The only reason I offered to let you walk away from me is because I already know I'm not capable of walking away from you. I've tried. Bella, you're...you have no idea..."

But words weren't what I wanted, not if he wasn't going to say the one I so desperately needed to hear. I crashed my lips into his, cutting him off. I kissed him with wild abandon and zero restraint. I had taken him so by surprise that I actually managed to turn myself to face him, getting onto my knees between his legs. I let my hands tangle in his hair, tugging him closer. His hands shot to my hips, stopping me when I made a move to straddle him.

I was too desperate, too emotional and insecure, going after him for all the wrong reasons, and I knew it. It didn't make me feel better that he seemed to know it too. He didn't share my intensity. He returned my kisses, but carefully, controlled, not letting me escalate things any further. His hands gripped my waist, keeping me a careful distance away. He gently pushed my hands away when I tried to take his shirt off. He was in complete and total control of himself, and if anything, he seemed even less tempted than usual.

Frustration flooded me, along with a healthy dose of mortification at his too-polite rejection.

As soon as I could while still preserving any dignity at all, I pulled away and muttered something about going back to sleep. I heard him sigh, gently say my name, but I wouldn't look at him. When I flopped onto my side with my back to him, he spooned himself around me anyway, his arm wrapping securely around my waist and tugging me back close to his chest. I was pouting — I'll freely admit it — but he didn't let me wriggle away from him and put any space between us.

"I love you, Bella," he told me, his voice steady and clear. "And I always will. I'm not going anywhere. You know that, right?"

It took far longer than it should have for me to answer, and I still didn't answer his question. "I love you too," I muttered finally, my tone really not matching my words.

It took me forever to fall asleep, but I didn't risk moving again. Mostly because I was too much of a coward to look him in the eye.

Day 2

Sunday passed in a blur. I slept until nearly noon, far later than I had intended for Renee's last day in Forks. But no one had wanted to wake me up when I was finally getting some rest in my own bed, probably least of all Edward.

Charlie was the one who finally woke me up to make sure I was okay, and of course Edward was nowhere to be seen by the time Charlie came in.

But Edward knocked on the front door half an hour later, just after lunch — or in my case, breakfast. His Volvo was back in my driveway, but I had the feeling he had never gone far. Whatever was going on with me, he'd no doubt called in reinforcements and Alice was all over it. I had no doubt she was part of the reason Edward had looked worried before I ever opened the door the night before. Maybe they could both save me some trouble and just tell me what the hell was wrong with me.

Charlie was eventually going to start grumbling about Edward's presence again, but for the time being, Renee had him the most upset. During breakfast/lunch, he had stared at his newspaper while he ate, and then he cleared out of the kitchen pretty fast when it was over. He poked his head in to see who was at the door, and he did manage a little scowl when he saw it was Edward, but he didn't stick around. He was too busy giving Renee a wide berth.

I spent the short afternoon visiting with Renee again, but I don't remember much of it. It was a surreal blur, one that felt like I was on my way to the gallows. She was really going to leave him again, when everything about her body language since the hospital had said she still loved him too. It hurt to watch.

I do remember one thing about that afternoon. Edward never left my side for a second, and Renee noticed it. She disapproved. She was drawing the same parallels as me, only in reverse. It didn't help my insecurities.

When the time came for Charlie to drive Renee to the airport — because he was still way too chivalrous to just let her take a cab — Edward invited himself along for the ride. I'm pretty sure he just didn't want to let me out of his sight, given my mood. Amazingly, Charlie didn't complain, probably because an extra buffer between him and Renee was just fine with him, at that point, even if it was Edward.

He sat in the back seat right behind Charlie, but when I got in the other side and he extended his arm toward me in offering, it was clear he had hoped I'd slide all the way into the middle beside him. I wanted to, but I didn't. I felt strangely hesitant to initiate contact after what had happened the night before, even when it was clear that he wanted me to. I sat stiffly behind Renee, instead. I could feel his eyes on me for several long moments before he reached across and tentatively took my hand in his, resting our linked hands on the seat between us for the entire ride to Sea-Tac.

After my tearful goodbye with Renee just outside the car, he didn't give me the choice. When I slid back into the back seat for the ride home, tears still falling down my face, his arm was waiting to catch me around the waist and slide me across the seat to him. He tucked me firmly up against his side. If he'd expected me to resist, he would have been wrong. I buried my face in his shoulder and held onto him just as tightly as he held onto me. His shirt was completely damp within minutes from the tears leaking down my cheeks, but if he even noticed, he didn't say anything.

It was a very, very quiet ride home. The only thing more quiet was my house that night. Charlie disappeared into his room immediately, and Edward and I weren't far behind in disappearing into mine. I didn't have much to say, but Edward didn't seem to mind just holding me and letting me cry off and on. I was expecting an interrogation about why I clung to him one second and avoided his touch the next, but it never came. It was a good thing, because I didn't know the answers myself.

The only thing he ever said, occasionally, was "I'm here, Bella."

It was earlier than usual when I excused myself to the bathroom to get ready for bed, popping my second of the seven little sedative pills and hoping it would just make me forget for a while.

Why wouldn't he just say it?

Days 3-7

Over both Charlie's and Edward's separate objections — Edward's being the more vehement of the two — I insisted on going back to school the next morning, Monday. I had woken up before dawn, and I felt more than a little trapped at home. I couldn't sit in that house for one more minute.

I won both arguments.

Charlie wasn't overly fond of the idea of letting Edward drive me to and from school, carry all my stuff, and help me limp all over campus. But given the fact that I was still endangering myself and others with crutches — as well as the fact that no matter how much Charlie loved me, he still had to go to work — even he had to admit that Edward's help was necessary. Well, "a necessary evil" were his exact words. Edward seemed more amused by the irony of that phrase than offended, so I let it go.

Necessary or not, it still didn't mean Charlie had to like it. He'd have liked it even less if he knew that my crutches never made it out of Edward's car at school, that Edward's arm stayed near permanently welded around my waist, bearing literally all of my weight as I pretended to "hop" from class to class. He blatantly charmed and dazzled teachers and faculty as he went, putting a quick stop to any objections before they got started.

Charlie would have hated it even more if he'd known that any time he saw he could get away with it, Edward just picked me up and carried me. That happened more often when Mike Newton and a few others were around, I noticed. Edward seemed to take particular exception to them, all of a sudden — or maybe he was just more open about it than he'd been in the past. I couldn't hear it, but since I was pressed up against him, I could feel the low growl in his chest whenever Mike got too close or overly solicitous.

The time Mike walked up and wrapped an arm around my waist on the opposite side of me from Edward, grabbing my still-healing wrist to throw my arm around his shoulders so he could "help" support me, I wondered how anybody in the vicinity could even look at Edward and not know he was a vampire. He almost scared me. Mike made himself scarce pretty quickly after that, actually.

During the school day, I was better, my insecurities and fears seeming farther away. In fact, the first week of school went much like that Monday, the days blurring together with the exhaustion of getting back into my routine when I was still recovering. Edward would slip out of my room in the morning, before Charlie came in to check on me, and run home to change. Then he would return in his car to pick me up for school, like he hadn't just been there all night.

All in all, that routine wasn't so very different from the one we'd been falling into before James.

There was one notable difference, though, and that was in the intensity of Edward's kiss any time he had to leave me. That had definitely changed. Ever since I'd withdrawn from him that first night back at home, there was a desperation in his kiss any time he had to leave my side, in the way his hands clutched me to him, almost like he was afraid it was the last time he'd ever touch me.

To be fair, I didn't exactly discourage the practice. That intensity from him was something I needed, something I craved.

I was still stinging from his rejection when I had thrown myself at him in my bed that first night home. It wasn't like it was the first time Edward had been the one to put on the brakes. It was just the one that hurt the most, given that he'd just been trying to ship me off to Jacksonville. Without him.

Every ounce of my being shied away from that happening again. Every kiss we'd shared since then, he'd been the one to initiate it. I was hesitant even to touch him first, and he'd definitely noticed that fact.

If I had been trying to find a way to ramp up his intensity, I couldn't have found a better one. Edward kissed me now like he wanted to inhale me whole. I kissed him back, was receptive to his touch, but I was also the first to pull away, every time, despite the hurt I could see in his eyes when I did. It wasn't intentional on my part. I was hurting too. I just wasn't sure how to get back to where we'd been. If he pushed me away again, while still denying me as his mate, I wasn't sure I could handle it.

But all that aside, for my first week back at school, life fell into a pretty predictable pattern: Wake up in Edward's arms. Get kissed until I couldn't breathe before he had to leave. Get ready for school and eat breakfast in a daze. Go to school with Edward, as soon as he was done kissing me senseless in his car the very second the car doors were shut in the morning. Come home with Edward. Do homework and eat dinner with a very morose Charlie. Sleep peacefully in Edward's arms, thanks to Carlisle's magical little sleeping pills. Repeat.

The whole week, he still never brought up the topic again of me being his mate, and that did nothing for my insecurities. In the hospital, he'd promised we would discuss it again. So far, that was now the first promise he'd ever broken. I didn't have the nerve to bring it up myself, especially since it didn't seem like something he really wanted to talk about.

Day 8

Saturday night, one week after I came home, was my first night sleeping without a sedative. I went to sleep peacefully enough, curled against Edward's chest after he gave up waiting for me to come to him and just pulled me into his arms himself. I didn't really give it too much thought.

But that didn't last for long. That was the night the nightmares started.

They weren't linear. They didn't proceed from one event to the next in any type of sequence. It was more of a swirling vortex of horror, James and Victoria, James and Renee, James and me.

Blood. Pain. Death.

But that wasn't the worst of it, not by a long shot.

I was alone when I died.

In every moment of my horrible nightmares, there was no Edward. I screamed his name, running through the forest looking for him, begging him to help me, but he wasn't there.

Edward, come back. Edward, help me. Edward, don't leave me.

He didn't come. He didn't care.

When I crossed from the sleep world back into the real one, I was still fighting, still struggling with the imaginary James in my nightmare, desperate to escape his iron grip.

I was also still screaming for Edward at the top of my lungs.

At the moment I began to become aware of my surroundings, I was still held in an unbreakable grasp, but no one was hurting me. I was locked tightly in Edward's arms, sitting upright in his lap where he'd pulled me, held close to his chest. One of his hands was in my hair, his face buried there too as he desperately tried to calm me.

As his words started to make sense, there was no doubt that he'd heard enough of my screams to know exactly what had been happening in my dream.

"I'm here, Bella. I'm here. Shhhh...I've got you. Damn it, I'm right here! Wake up. Please wake up. I'm here."

He rocked me back and forth while I shook against him, gasping for air. When I realized where I was, I stopped fighting him and grabbed hold of him instead, near clawing at him in my desperation.

When I sobbed his name into his shoulder and held on for all I was worth, I felt his entire body sag with relief.

"Is she awake? Bells, can you hear me?"

That hushed voice wasn't Edward, I realized with no small amount of horror, turning my face out of Edward's shoulder to see Charlie kneeling next to the bed, eyes wide if still a little bleary from sleep. Concern was etched deeply into his face. He reached out to me too, one of his hands on my back, the other gripping my knee. I wondered how I hadn't noticed the warmth before.

How long had he been there? Apparently long enough to get past his initial shock over finding Edward in my bed, long enough for the two of them to start working together to help me, because he wasn't waving a gun around and making threats. It probably helped that we were both fully clothed and Edward was clearly just comforting me, but the entire thing was surreal. I must have been screaming for quite a while for Charlie to get to that point.

"I'm okay," I managed to gasp out, but it probably didn't reassure either of them. I was breathless, shaking and gulping, and Edward pulled me closer. Charlie gripped my knee a little tighter.

"What the hell happened, Bella?" Charlie asked me, completely focused on me rather than on the boyfriend he'd just found in my bed. I'd recovered enough for mortification to start seeping in. "I thought you were doing okay. Why now?"

The question was ultimately pretty rhetorical, so I just hid my blushing face in Edward's shoulder and let him deal with Charlie until I could breathe again. If that made me a coward, I was okay with that. Edward didn't seem to mind. His hand moved to the back of my head, holding me to him. It was a protective gesture. He was more than willing to do anything I needed him to, even run interference with Charlie. But I could feel his hands shaking as he held me, and not because of my father.

"She ran out of sleeping pills tonight," he offered by way of explanation, and of course, he was right.

"Sleeping pills?" Charlie repeated, a little incredulously. If anything, he seemed sheepish that Edward knew that and he didn't. He'd been distracted since Renee left. He shouldn't have felt too bad. I hadn't told Edward either. He just knew.

"Carlisle prescribed them to her. He thought it might help for a few days, while she's still recovering." If Charlie caught that Edward referred to his father by his first name, he let it go. But Edward didn't usually make slipups like that.

"Look at me, Bells," Charlie commanded then, and I jumped just a little. Edward's arms tightened in response. But Charlie's eyes were soft when I turned my head and focused on his face, without lifting my cheek from Edward's shoulder. "Are you okay now? Do you need anything? I can call a doctor or...or your mother."

I had at least got my breathing under control, but tears sprang to my eyes at that last part. "I'm fine, Dad. Really." A tiny, residual little sob worked its way out of me and I shuddered. "But I don't want to go back to sleep."

That was all it took for Charlie to remember Edward's presence in my room. His eyes narrowed as he focused in on him, but Charlie had heard the same screams as Edward. Even he didn't have the heart to take him away from me when I'd just woke up screaming for him, and that fact tempered his response. After all, it wasn't like anything he might worry about was going to be happening that night, given my state.

He sighed heavily and skewered Edward with a glare, but even I could see it was half-hearted. "I guess it's a good thing you were here, but just for the hell of it, do you want to tell me what you were doing in my house in the middle of the night? Not that I'm really surprised."

That was...not the reaction I would have expected. He wasn't even surprised?

But Edward hesitated almost comically, his mouth opening wordlessly, and for one horrifying second I thought a hysterical giggle would escape me. It pushed its way out as a lingering sob instead, along with a shudder, and Edward's hands rubbed me soothingly on autopilot. But his face was still frozen. This was definitely not a situation he had probably ever anticipated finding himself in back in 1918, trying to explain his presence in his girlfriend's bed in the middle of the night to her father.

"I was worried about her tonight, sir," Edward finally settled on, and that was sincere enough that I knew it was probably the truth. He was putting an effort into trying to sound 17 and doing a better job than normal. "I just wanted to see for myself that she was okay."

Charlie still sounded annoyed. "How did you get in here, anyway?"

"The window."

My head popped up from Edward's shoulder so fast, I'm surprised my neck didn't break. I stared at him in horror, my nightmare temporarily forgotten. What was he doing? But the corner of his lip was turned up, ever so slightly. It turned up more when Charlie got up and stormed over to the window to see for himself.

"Is that my ladder?"

I very nearly jumped out of Edward's lap to go see for myself too. Since when did Edward need a ladder?

"Yes, sir. The, uh, lock on your tool shed is broken."

Edward glanced in my direction, and his eyes twinkled just a little when he took in the completely baffled, horrified expression on my face, way too similar to Charlie's not to be amusing. "Alice," he leaned over and whispered in my ear by way of explanation, while my father was still fuming at the window. He squeezed me lightly, but I was busy. My head was spinning trying to imagine tiny little Alice out there in the dark, breaking into tool sheds and hefting ladders around to plant them outside my window and save her brother from himself. It was...endearing.

Edward's expression was serious again by the time Charlie turned back around, hands on hips and a glare starting to form. Edward headed him off at the pass.

"Chief Swan, I was only concerned for Bella's wellbeing. I can assure you that my intentions toward your daughter are honorable."

It was a decidedly non-modern thing to say. If I wasn't still coming down from a truly awful experience, I'd have rolled my eyes right along with Charlie. He couldn't have looked more horrified if Edward had just informed him that he was planning to throw me into an active volcano as a virgin sacrifice.

Charlie held a hand up in the classic stop gesture, wincing. "Yeah...okay, I don't really need to hear this. Just...this door stays open tonight, all right? We can hash this all out tomorrow. If your parents don't know where you are, call them."

"Yes, sir."

Charlie was halfway out my door before he turned back around. "And kid? Just use the damn door from now on. I'd hate for you to break your neck before I can break it for you."

Neither of us moved or said a word until Charlie's steps had faded down the hallway, his bedroom door slamming behind him. So much for open doors.

I was still sitting bolt upright in Edward's lap. He was tense through and through, not sure how I was going to react — to what had just happened, or to him in general. He was still looking toward the door when he hesitantly called my name.

"Bella? Are you okay?"

I nodded slightly, even though he wasn't looking at me. "I think so."

There was a long pause, like that answer hadn't really satisfied him.

"Bella?"

"Yeah?"

"If there was ever a time that I need you to tell me what you're thinking..."

But my reaction surprised even me. The horror of the nightmare had been surpassed by the horrors of Charlie. A tiny little laugh shot out of my chest, unexpectedly. "I'm thinking, wow. So that just happened."

Edward relaxed a little at hearing me sound somewhat normal, seemingly comfortable in his arms. When he looked at me, there was both quiet amusement and apology in his eyes. A smile was threatening to break through. "I'm sorry for that. I knew he was coming, but I couldn't bring myself to leave you."

I shook my head, suppressing a shudder at the very thought of waking up after that dream to find him gone. "It's okay. He took that surprisingly well."

"Not at first." His lopsided smile briefly flashed across his face. I'd forgotten how much I loved it. "Not at first. It took him a minute to realize what was going on, and I wasn't much help. I kind of had my hands full at the time, both literally and figuratively. He figured it out for himself, eventually."

"What's he thinking now?" I asked.

I'd have loved to know the entirety of what he heard in Charlie's thoughts. The look on Edward's face said there was very little chance that he was ever going to give me more than the heavily edited version. The corner of his lip lifted slightly.

"He's coming around. He's seen enough recently to know that I would never hurt you. But Charlie was 17 at some point too, apparently, which is his main motivation for still wanting to throw me right back out that window."

Charlie at 17. I wrinkled my nose. "Ew. That's gross."

Edward's eyes sparkled happily at seeing me so relaxed with him. "Be thankful you can't read minds. And you don't have to worry. He has no intention of hashing this out tomorrow. Or ever. He doesn't want to admit it, but he's accepted that I'm likely a permanent part of your life. He knows that I'll take good care of you, at the very least, and that goes a long way."

Likely. That one word was all it took for my insecurities about the future to flood back in, even if part of me understood he was talking from Charlie's perspective.

I looked away, suddenly feeling shy. All too aware that I was still sitting in his lap, I decided to remove myself before he could do it for me. Avoiding any type of perceived rejection from Edward had become an unhealthy habit in the past few days.

"That's good, I guess," I responded to his words, but my voice was shaking as I moved off of his lap onto the bed, leaving about a foot of space between us. I drew my knees up and wrapped my arms around them.

He went very, very still when I did that. I heard him draw a shaky breath.

"Bella...when are you going to tell me what I've done wrong?"

His tone was quiet, gentle. I didn't pretend not to know what he meant. It would have been a slap in the face. But I hadn't expected him to ask outright, either. I made the mistake of looking into his eyes, and they were so worried, so kind, that I felt my tears welling up immediately.

"Nothing," I told him quickly. "You didn't do anything. Really."

"In the hospital, you were so sure of me — completely trusting and understanding, beyond what I deserve. I've no right to complain, but will you tell me what happened to change that? You seem convinced that I'm going to abandon you, even in your sleep, although I don't begin to understand why. Have I given you reason to doubt me?"

He was still gentleman enough not to call me out on my physical withdrawals from his touch.

I couldn't even look at him. I closed my eyes, felt a tear splash down my cheek. "It's not you I doubt," I whispered. "It's me."

"I don't," he told me softly. "I don't doubt you at all, Bella. I've never been so sure of anything in my very long life."

I opened my eyes in time to see his hand barely twitch toward me, a barely restrained urge to reach out and touch me, wipe my tear away, something — and something inside me broke.

"Edward, can I ask you something?"

"Anything," he answered immediately, and his heart was in his eyes. "Please, Bella. Talk to me."

I could feel my heart thudding in my ears.

"Why won't you say it?" I whispered, and felt another tear fall.

He blinked, his brows knitting together with confusion. "Bella, I — why won't I say what?" I was losing my nerve, and when I looked away, his hand shot out to cover both of mine where they clutched my drawn-up knees. "No...look at me. Please." He insisted gently. "What have I not said?"

I was determined not to be a coward and hide my face. So I drew a shaky breath, looked him right in the eye, and just blurted it out. "Carlisle already told me that I'm your mate."

Not being a coward paid off. I was able to see how wide his eyes went before he reined it in and got his reaction under control. A second later, other than one eyebrow that quirked toward the sky, he was a carefully controlled mask. "Did he, now?"

I licked my lips, trying not to get sidetracked by how his eyes automatically tracked the motion of my tongue, and I tried again.

"He told me — and I quote — that human or not, I'm your mate." Nervously, I pulled my hands away and shifted to sit crosslegged, counting off on my fingers as I laid out the rest of my evidence. "Even before you told me about Carlisle's theory, back on the night we first left, you said that Victoria would want revenge if you killed James because he was her mate. Then you said you understood why, but it seemed like you meant you had...personal understanding of it. And in the woods, you told Carlisle that he 'knows what I am to you', but you didn't say what that is, exactly."

"Everything," he answered immediately, and reached out to tuck a piece of hair behind my ear, smiling softly. "That's what you are to me. Everything."

I wasn't sure how to ask what I was asking. Insecurity had me by the throat, and I started twisting my fingers together in my lap. My eyes dropped to my hands.

"Is that all?" I whispered, not daring look at him.

I was vaguely aware of the absurdity of that question. I wanted more than everything? I didn't even fully understand what I was talking about.

Why had I brought this up at all? I was making a fool of myself. A fresh wave of tears pricked at my eyes, threatening to fall. Edward wasn't saying anything. Maybe he didn't want me to be his mate. I was a half second shy of muttering something about needing a human minute and fleeing to the relative safety of the bathroom, where at least I wouldn't have to look at him anymore. Maybe I could just sleep there too. Maybe I could just never look at him again.

Then I heard the shaky, ragged way he was breathing, and my traitorous eyes went to his face like a moth to the flame.

His eyes were almost completely black, when they had most definitely not looked like that before. My breath caught in my throat. He leaned slightly forward toward me, leaning on fists that were clenched tightly. He looked dangerous, but not in a way that made me want to run. It was in a way that made my guts clench and sent butterflies skittering through my stomach.

Suddenly, my question didn't seem so silly.

"Is that all?" I repeated, looking into his dark eyes this time.

His hands shot out to grab me and lift me, with no warning, hauling me into his lap. I landed with an oomph, straddling his thighs, our faces inches apart. My eyes were wide, my lips parted with shock.

"Damn it, Bella, not even close," he growled.

And his hands were in my hair then, holding my head still as he sealed our mouths together. His tongue pushed its way in, making itself at home, and all I could do was feel. My hands gripped his shirt, holding on for dear life. He kept one hand tangled through my hair, palming the back of my head. His other arm he abruptly wrapped around my hips, holding me still and keeping me slightly shy of where I wanted to be.

He kissed me until I was lightheaded, only breaking away when I desperately needed to breathe.

His mouth went to my ear, then, and the hand in my hair tightened, holding me in place as he spoke right into the shell of my ear, sending shivers down my spine.

"You want to know why I wouldn't say it that night? Why I don't dare bring it up? Because of this. I can barely even think it without losing control. But you are my mate, Bella. Mine."

Slowly, he pulled back, still holding my head steady with the hand he had tangled in my hair. His eyes were dark as ever when he locked them on mine, and he trembled slightly with the effort it was taking him to stay in control. But there was a flicker of fear there, too, as he waited for my reaction.

He was waiting for the running and the screaming again, I realized. He had taken a risk putting himself out there like that, revealing the full possessiveness of his vampire nature, and now he wasn't sure he hadn't finally scared me off.

He needn't have worried. Like flipping off a light switch, that burning emptiness inside me was gone, the insecurities that had plagued me flying right out the window.

If I had ever doubted Carlisle's theory, I didn't any longer. My reaction proved it. It was primal, and just a little scary, but I had no doubt of it: what I had needed was for my mate to claim me. Feeling denied by him had nearly destroyed me emotionally, just as surely as his absence in the hospital had affected me physically.

Just as quickly, another thought hit me.

Supposedly, the bond was even more powerful for him. Did he have the same need?

If there was any chance of that, it was time to make my point just as clearly as he had made his, I decided. I was going to throw caution out the window and let pure instinct take over. It had served me well so far tonight. I was going to stake my claim too.

I licked my kiss-swollen lips nervously, flattening my hands out on his chest possessively and giving in to the longstanding urge to let them slowly caress and explore. I enjoyed the feel of his chest muscles through his shirt just a little too much, especially when they involuntarily jumped under my hands. In short, I was copping a feel.

"Does that mean you're my mate too?" I asked, distantly wondering where the hell the throaty quality to my voice had come from. I was rewarded with his eyes growing impossibly darker. My hands, of their own volition, slid toward his stomach, and those muscles were clenching and rippling in a very satisfying manner as well. "If I belong to you...I want you to belong to me too."

For the sake of clarity, I let my hands drift just a little lower.

His hands reflexively gripped me a little harder, yanking me back up against him. His lips were millimeters from mine. "You're going to be the death of me, Bella," he gritted out with a voice so gravelly that my insides melted.

Everything tilted, and I found myself on my back with Edward hovering above me, holding my wrists to the bed on either side of my head, effectively stopping my wandering fingers. He very carefully didn't touch me with his body. It was clear he was stretched to the outer limits of his control. His weight was on his knees as he straddled me, not touching me anywhere other than his hands. Slowly, he slid his hands up my wrists until our palms met, and he pressed them deeper into the bed. I slid my fingers through his, enjoying the way they tightened down immediately to lock our hands together.

His voice was strained. "I'm going to say this one time. I've belonged to you since the first day I saw you. Yes. I'm your mate too. But right now, all I can think about is giving you a demonstration of exactly what that means, which is why we're going to change the subject. I'm losing control."

"Maybe I want you to." What in the world had gotten into me? I blushed as soon as the words were out of my mouth. And if Edward's reaction was any indication, my blush wasn't helping matters. There was a rumble, not quite a growl, deep in his chest. Not the furious snarls I'd heard when he fought James. Not even the ones outside the grocery store when he'd lusted for my blood. This meant something different, and I had a pretty good idea what.

"You have no idea what you're saying. New topic, Bella."

I huffed, a little frustrated in several different ways.

And then, since I'd already waved a cheery goodbye to both insecurities and my own control, I narrowed my eyes and went for the proverbial jugular.

"Fine. New topic. When are you going to change me, to make me like you?"

He squeezed his eyes shut, his hands gripping mine a little tighter. "This is your idea of a distraction?"

"I heard what you said to Carlisle in the woods. I know you didn't want James to do it. Does that mean you want to be the one to...to bite me? That you want it to be your venom inside me?"

I had very nearly lost my nerve and started stammering halfway through that, and the look on his face didn't help. His eyes popped open as soon as I mentioned James, staring into me like he could see all the way to my soul. By the time I was done, multiple emotions had run across his face, from shock to anger to lust to fear and back again.

The one he finally settled on surprised me.

He laughed.

It wasn't really an amused sound. It was more of a resigned, tortured one.

With a longsuffering groan, he let go of me and rolled over to his back beside me, dropping an arm across his eyes.

"I suppose I asked for that." He left his arm across his eyes. "You managed to choose the one topic that makes matters worse for me right now."

"Well?" I tried again looking sideways at him. It was getting harder to keep my nerve up. I'd just made a very big assumption there, that he wanted to change me and keep me around forever.

"You conveniently skipped over the part where I mentioned how I feel about taking away your soul," he reminded me, his tone unreadable to me.

It wasn't exactly a no or a rejection, but it was close enough that I heard it as one.

Only he wasn't just rejecting my body anymore. Apparently, now I'd thrown my soul at him too, and he didn't want that either. I sat up angrily.

"My soul? I don't care. The only forever I want is one with you. And I thought that you..." I trailed off, feeling both angry and foolish.

My humiliation must have come through in my voice, because he immediately lifted his arm off of his eyes with alarm, seeking out my face. I stared at my fingers instead, drawing designs on the bedcovers in front of me. In a heartbeat, he was sitting up beside me, taking my hands in his to still them. He tilted his head, trying to make me meet his eyes.

"Hey...look at me." His tone was so exquisitely tender that I couldn't help it. I obeyed instantly and saw his frown when he saw how watery my eyes had become. His voice was a ragged whisper. "Have you heard a word I said tonight? I want that too."

Unwanted tears welled up. I did still have one lingering insecurity, it seemed. "But you don't want to change me. And because I'm human, you don't want to touch me either. How is that fair?"

He inhaled sharply. "You think I don't want you? When I say no, it has nothing to do with what I want, Bella. Can't you see that? It never has. If any of this was about what I want..." His jaw clenched, his hands on mine tightening.

One tear chose that moment to break free and slip down my face, and it was his undoing. Slowly, agonizingly slowly, his hand came up and cupped my cheek and his thumb brushed away my tear. He searched my eyes as his thumb kept up its slow caress. Then, just as slowly, he leaned in toward me and softly kissed my lips. A tiny little sob escaped me, and his other arm wrapped around my waist, gently pulling me closer. His lips traveled to my forehead, each eyelid, and back down my face, dropping tiny, sweet kisses, before he captured my lips again.

This kiss was different. It was just as slow, just as soft, but there was an underlying passion to it that made my insides melt. His tongue traced my lower lip, slipping inside when I parted my lips in response. He deepened the kiss, and the little groan in his throat had me pushing closer to him, desperate for more.

Ever so slowly, he leaned me back, his arm around my waist controlling the movement as he lowered me to the bed, hovering over me. His lips never left mine until my head hit the pillow, and then they started blazing a path down my chin to my throat. I arched my back, tipping my head back to give him access, and the noise he made shot arousal through my entire body. It was as close to a growl as it could get without sounding menacing. Fear was definitely not what I felt.

He pulled his arm out from under me, and I felt his hand travel from my waist down my hip, to my thigh, caressing the whole time, while his lips on my neck drove me close to the point of insanity. My breath was coming in short bursts, and all I could think was more.

I whimpered with surprise when he made the first sudden move he'd made, unexpectedly tugging my leg up to hitch it over his hip. His fingers stayed splayed out across my thigh, holding me there.

His mouth abruptly stopped its sweet torture on my neck when he raised his head to look me straight in the eye. He held eye contact as he carefully, deliberately, pressed his hips forward, letting me feel him against me for the first time, leaving zero doubt about whether or not he desired me. I inhaled sharply, my whole body arching into him when my hips involuntarily jerked.

He arched an eyebrow at me. "Do you feel what you do to me, Isabella Swan?" he asked, a little unnecessarily, in my dazed opinion. I was already on sensory overload without that voice and those words, oh my God.

"Mm-hm," was all I managed, an embarrassing half moan, and his lip quirked in a way so sexy that I just wanted to bite it. No, the irony didn't escape me.

"Good. While we're setting the record straight on things I want..."

His free hand, the one that wasn't still firmly holding my thigh over his hip, tangled itself into my hair, resting his weight on his forearm. With his hold on my hair, he tipped my head back as his mouth descended into the curve right at the junction of neck and shoulder. I felt him inhale deeply, smelling the blood that raced through my veins. I was all too aware of my own pounding pulse.

His tongue swept out and ran across that oh-so-sensitive spot, just before his lips abruptly claimed my skin in a hard, sucking kiss. I jerked against him and he held my head fast in place, pinning my hips down with his, leading to some more embarrassingly wanton moaning on my part. For just a split second, I had thought he intended to change me right then. No matter how much I thought I wanted that, my entire body was still trembling.

Yeah. He was definitely getting his point across.

He kept his lips against my neck even when he released me, his cool breath making me shiver. I could feel his lips move when he spoke. "While we're setting the record straight," he repeated, "Yes. I want this too. I want to change you, and I want to do it myself, with my venom. I'm still not convinced that ending your life just so I can keep you for all eternity isn't the most heinous act I'll ever commit. If you'd asked me a week ago, I never intended to let myself seriously consider it. But now..."

My breath caught. I reached up to grab his face, trying to pull him to where I could see him. He dropped another cold but searing openmouthed kiss on my neck before obliging, but he did pull back to where I could see him. "A week ago...Carlisle's theory?" I asked, breathlessly. "That's what changed your mind? That's what you were thinking about that night?"

His eyes glittered at me, so dark I shivered with anticipation. "Yes. Among other things."

That answer wasn't even close to enough.

"Edward, please," I whispered, my tone begging him.

His breath hissed, and he pulled me harder against him for just a moment. "I thought I was the dangerous one," he growled. He softened his words with a kiss before he gave me what I wanted. "If what Carlisle said is true — which I selfishly choose to believe that it is — then not changing you would be just as unfair to you as doing so. It changes many things, Bella, concerning my intentions for our future."

Hope started to push its way through me.

"Such as?" I tried to say that calmly, which was ridiculous considering how fast my heart was beating. It wasn't like he couldn't hear it.

"My original intention was never to change you, to simply remain as close to you as possible throughout your human life. Denying myself the full experience of my mate is one thing. But knowing now that you feel this bond as intensely as I do, that I'm your mate every bit as much as you're mine, denying you is quite another. That's what was happening to you this week, Bella, and I'm truly sorry I didn't see it for what it was before tonight, that you needed to hear me stake my claim just as much as I needed to do it.

"I was trying to protect us both, blinded by my own insecurities that you could accept that side of me. I only knew your trust in me had been shaken, and Alice confirmed it, but neither of us could see why. But now that I know the truth, it's made my decision for me. Simply put, I won't deny you again, not even for the sake of your soul. I got a taste of what being denied by your mate feels like this week, when you pulled away from me, and it nearly drove me mad. I won't risk it. I intend to keep you forever...if you'll have me."

My eyes were wide. He was really going to do it. He was going to change me, make me his forever.

There was only one question left.

"How soon?" I breathed, trembling all over.

Caution filled his expression. "Not immediately. There are things I want first, Bella, both for you and with you, while you're still human."

"Oh...do you mean..." It was a valid question, to my mind, given what I could still feel pressed between my legs, something that had only become more prominent when he was sucking on my neck like he intended to change me that very second.

But a smile played on his lips. "Not that...not until you're changed. I was thinking more like going to prom. Celebrating your 18th birthday. Graduation, for your father's sake. And maybe college?"

I managed to glare at him. "Oh, is that all? You've got to be kidding me."

He lost the battle with the grin. "There is one more. It's actually my favorite and the only one I'm prepared to insist upon, but Alice warned me not to press my luck on that one for a while yet. That buys me a little time. But rest assured I'll be watching for the right moment."

My horrified look wasn't for show. He couldn't possibly mean...

"So whatever it is, it's worse than prom?"

His eyes danced with affectionate happiness. "Apparently, you're going to think so."

To my disappointment, he changed our positions, turning us both on our sides facing each other. Without my leg over his hip.

"What if there are things I want first too?" I challenged him.

He kissed me adoringly. "Anything you want. Anything I can give you is yours, Bella. You only have to ask. Money is no object. I can take you anywhere you want to go, give you any experience you want. Nothing would make me happier."

I already had some idea what experience I might want while I was still human. But if he was concealing his most favorite demand, I was saving mine until I needed it.

After all, we had forever in front of us.

THE END!

Author's Note:

This part of the story may end here, but it's not over! Check out my sequel, "Beyond Unreasonable", which picks up where this story leaves off and will cover the New Moon/Eclipse time periods, with Edward and Bella facing an even scarier threat than James.

Thank you once again to BellySquid for the absolutely beautiful cover art for this story!

And a huge THANK YOU to all those who voted for me in the Twifanfiction Recs contest for Top 10 Twilight stories completed in April 2020! This story came in FOURTH PLACE, against stories with literally hundreds of reviews, while I was hanging out around 50 reviews for the whole story. I didn't think I had a chance against numbers like that, but you guys came through and put me not only in the top 10 but the top 5, which made me ridiculously happy. So thank you!