Disclaimer: I don't own saiyuki [gloom…gloom…gloom…L] but like any fan of saiyuki, I sometimes wish that I do own it! hehehe!!!! {j/k, hindi naman masamang mangarap diba?[ hey, it's not that bad to dream, right?…]}
A/N: this is my first time to write a fic, so please don't be harsh and callous [have mercy on a child like me]. First of all, I know that I'm not good in grammar [I don't focus much in my English subject…(^_^)] so if there are some grammatical error/s…GOMEN x 10000 to the nth power …tao lang ako nagkakamali din! [I'm only human…I make mistakes too], btw this fic just came into me like a shooting star of idea, YUP!, I was rummaging my old stuff and I saw my old computer notebook and there's this topic about the "If and Then" statement… and alas! The shooting star hit my head really hard making me go in front of my computer to type this thing…so here goes…and another thing, there will be a few Filipino words here, don't worry coz' I enclosed the translations in brackets. (^_^)
If and Then Statements Chapter I
by dragon_wing_master
STATEMENT # 01: IF Sanzo is not a monk…
…THEN… he would either be a president, a general, or any high ranked person who loves giving orders to his "underlings" and inflicting harm on his "servants"
…THEN…a lot of fan girls will ask him for "his hand in marriage" [A/N: hey, he can marry if he's not a monk anymore, right? {smiles slyly}]
…THEN…he would be a "guns and ammo" store owner!? {sweatdrops}
…THEN…poor Goku, Gojyo, and Hakkai …imagine Sanzo's temper if he's not a monk???!!!
…THEN…again…poor, poor Goku, Gojyo, and Hakkai… exactly what will happen to them without Sanzo's gold credit card??? That card is only for high ranked monks, right?
…THEN…hmmm….in that case, what will he wear? [A/N: hehe…that doesn't sound bad! {imagines Sanzo in casual wear}]
…THEN…unfortunately, there will be no such thing as a journey to the west…Kougaiji's group don't need to pursue Sanzo anymore…Homura's group will have no need of following him because, obviously, if Sanzo's not a monk, he doesn't have a sutra…life will be obviously boring because there will be no such thing as a "Gensomaden Saiyuki" anymore and a lot of "MAKAI TENJOU" fanatics will go wild and beat me for putting up this statement
STATEMENT # 02: IF Gojyo turned into a gentleman… [exact definition of gentleman: no more girl chasing, no more "Hey! I wanna find some sexy chicks out there and get laid" stuff, no more scandalous rogue and the like, no more pointless fighting with his companions…see also definition of hakkai ]
…THEN…perhaps his stepmother will like him an itsy bitsy little bit?
…THEN…awww!…no more erro kappa (^_^)
…THEN…everyone will be deaf because of the silence that it will cause in hakuryu's back compartment
…THEN…for the first time in his life, Doku will be proud to shout to the world: "Hey! That's my brother!!!"
…THEN…his whole fashion image will change and a lot of Gojyo's fans will either get mad or be happy of the results…it's up to them to judge
…THEN…Goku's saliva will dry up…wala na siyang kaaway eh! [He will have no one to argue with anymore!]
…THEN…{a peek on Goku's list…}
My list of names for Gojyo:
Erro kappa
Redroach
Gokiburi
{Goku took a pencil and put a strikethrough in "Erro kappa"}
…THEN…
Hakkai: Er…is that you Gojyo? You look possessed!
Sanzo: ……………………………….{thinks to himself: "I think I hit his head too hard!"}
Goku: Ack! He must be an enemy in disguise!!!
…THEN…Gensomaden Saiyuki will be scary…Hakkai's gentleman smile is cute and cool even if it's sinister sometimes …but Gojyo's?…IT WILL BE FREAKY!!!
STATEMENT # 03: IF Sanzo is a good-natured, down-to-earth-I'm-serious-of-my-vocation monk and not the corrupt monk that we all know…
…THEN…Goku will be very mad because Sanzo will have his head shaved {Goku: "I know that the sun is shiny…but…ehehe…your head shaved?!"}
…THEN…Lirin will be the happiest person [I mean, youkai] alive! Her crush on Sanzo will grow bigger if he's bald…Lirin will sing "Baldie Sanzo! Baldie Sanzo!" at the top of her lungs!
…THEN…Sanzo must be dead by now or in the belly of a youkai…especially if he will live in the "Thou shall not kill" policy
…THEN…Sanzo must have picked a shield or a helmet for a weapon instead of his Smith and Wesson gun
…THEN…Kanzeon Bosatsu will regret reincarnating her nephew to the future
…THEN…Gojyo will be mad because he won't be allowed to smoke anymore…and if ever Sanzo will allow him to smoke [since our Sanzo became heavenly, good natured and kind], Gojyo will not have a smoking partner so it will be boring and will make him stop his bad habit anyway
…THEN…the cigarette companies will close, they've lost their most important customer
…THEN…Goku's stomach will get sick [and I think Hakkai'a and Gojyo's too]…remember… monks eats veggies only…which means…bye bye dimsum, bye bye meat buns, bye bye stir fry, bye bye noodles, Goodbye chocolates! Goodbye hotdogs! Goodbye Sanzo! [A/N: ooops! I got carried away, I know pinoys can relate but for those who can't…here in the Philippines, we had this hotdog commercial that became so popular when I was about 4 years old: there was a girl writing in her diary about her crush Carlo, who seems to like her but Carlo only thinks that she's FAT, so she wrote in her diary her diet which is goodbye chocolates, goodbye blah blah blah [all her favorite food] until it reached the part that she wrote goodbye hotdogs…but unfortunately she can't RESIST hotdogs…so she wrote GOODBYE CARLO instead and starts wolfing down some hotdogs…well…this is for your information only (^_^)]
…THEN…Sanzo's credit card charge will be VERY BIG…he will use his card for all the charities in the world [A/N: aww!!! How sweet]
…THEN…Sanzo's harisen will have no use…it will only get moldy and have cobwebs and lots of dust…that is… if Sanzo's not going to use his harisen for a paper fan when it's hot
…THEN…people will have his statue built in Luneta [A/N: Luneta is a park here in the Philippines where you can see the statue of our national hero Jose Rizal]
…THEN…you will see Sanzo smiling almost every episode (^_^)
…THEN…you will never see a twitch in Sanzo's face and you will never see those cute fangs sprouting in his mouth when he's angry…and you will not hear any of his "URUSAIs" and curses [that's a shame L]
…THEN…mahjong, poker and other card games will never be invented…the casino will never be born
…THEN…Gojyo will BURN his list of names for Sanzo and make a new list instead which will start with: ALIEN followed by: WEIRD
…THEN…
Hakkai: First Gojyo…Now Sanzo?!!…what's next…Goku being intelligent or Goku losing his appetite? THIS IS INSANITY!!! [A/N: nope!!…you'll be next Hakkai-chan! But don't worry…since you're my fave saiyuki character, I will not be that cruel to you {smiles slyly},,, Btw…thanks for the idea about Goku! MWAH!!!]
STATEMENT # 04: IF Hakkai joined the 4x4 grand prix, off-road or rally cross using Hakuryu…
…THEN…he will win first place…as well as the "reckless driver" award, "best jump" award, "crowd's favorite" award, "best exhibition" award and almost all the "dangerous stuff" award that a racer could receive…which includes the "insane driver" award
…THEN…he will be imprisoned for one year because of cruelty to animals
…THEN…hakuryu will get the "cute vehicle" award…as well as the "most unique vehicle" award…and he will be featured on the cover of all 4x4 magazines with pretty women surrounding him
…THEN…hakuryu will be kidnapped by Collin McRae
…THEN…Kougaiji will join too {Kougaiji: "SUGOD HIRYU!!!" ["GO HIRYU!!!]}
…THEN…Hakuryu will be featured in "Ripley's believe it or not"
STATEMENT # 05: IF Sanzo did not have the almighty gold credit card…
…THEN…Sanzo will sell his golden crown thingie to have money
…THEN…Goku will have severe fractures in the head for shouting "harahetta" 24/7
…THEN…they will not enjoy the pleasures of life…no more five star hotels and exclusive inns, no more imported wines and cigarettes, yadda yadda etc.…it means that they will camp in their whole journey to the west
…THEN…
Gojyo: #@%^$*!!! How will I charm girls now? I told them that I'm a rich billionaire!
Goku: HARAHETTAHARAHETTAHARAHETTAHARAHETTAHARAHETTA!!!
{Sanzo's almighty harisen: "WHAPACKWHAPACKWHAPACKWHAPACKWHAP"}
Hakkai: {sweatdrops and smiles} yareyare desu ne [oh! boy!] {thinks to himself: "DAMN! Curses! Curses! Curses! CURSES! How will I buy my booze now???!!!"}
…THEN…no more cool gold-card-flashing with KATCHING sound every time they'll leave a restaurant or inn
STATEMENT # 06: IF Goku became a genius…
…THEN…Gojyo will kill his self
…THEN…Goku will not argue with Gojyo anymore…Goku will fight with Hakkai instead [hehe…imagine them talking about how to read the road map properly…just think of the things that might happen: map getting ripped, Goku becoming berserk, Sanzo getting mad and the almighty harisen will make its appearance again and prevail…and for the first time…it will strike Hakkai's head]
…THEN…Gojyo will cry…if Goku's a genius now…that means he will be the one with the lowest I.Q. in the group
…THEN…Goku will plot strategies every time they'll have a fight
…THEN…Goku's head will be punch-free, shock-proof and free from all the harm Sanzo [compliment by his harisen] can inflict to him when he gives his stupid remarks (but that doesn't mean that he's safe…coz' he could still receive a few WHAPACKs from Sanzo when he shouts the magical words: HA-RA-HET-TA!)
…THEN…who will carry their baggage now? Since Goku became a genius…obviously he could easily win in jack en poy [Philippine's version of paper, scissors, stone…also known as "bato…bato…PIK!!!" unfortunately…I dunno why it's called like that (^_^)]
…THEN…{a peek in Sanzo AND Gojyo's list…}
Our List of Names for Goku:
Baka saru
Stomach-brained Baka saru
Brown Baka saru
Always-hungry Baka saru
Can't-think-about-anything-else-but-food baka saru
Glutton baka saru
{Gojyo took an eraser and erased all the word: "BAKA"}
…THEN…
Gojyo:…………………………………………..[thinks to himself: "I don't want to speak anymore…his jabbering 'I'm-intelligent-you're not' mouth irritates me and makes me feel like a complete idiot!]
Hakkai:………………………………………….[whispers to Sanzo: "Sanzo…you think your harisen hit marks changed Goku's brain and it caused something to make him intelligent?"]
Sanzo:………………………………………….[Sanzo's reply: "Chi'…Do you want me to hit him again?…hmmm…how about hitting Gojyo's instead?"]
Goku: How come everyone's so quiet…okay, now here's the plan…BLAH! BLAH! BLAH! YADDA! YADDA!……
STATEMENT # 07: IF Goku lost his huge appetite…
…THEN…Gojyo will be very fat by now…pano ba yan!, la na siyang kaagaw sa pagkain [Gojyo will have no one to argue with when it comes to food anymore…which means he'll be able to eat as many as his stomach can manage]
…THEN…the ones who'll be fighting about food are Lirin and Gojyo from now on!
…THEN…it will be both good news and bad news to restaurants…good news? Because they will not run out of rations and they'll be able to serve others quite fairly and it will be a big relief to the cooks since they don't have to make HUGE orders…the bad news is…well…Sanzo will pay anyway right?…so…without Goku's huge appetite, it's just like loosing hundreds of customers
…THEN…Hakuryu will be relieved…he should not be afraid of being eaten by Goku from now on (^_^)
…THEN…Gensomaden just lost one of their great "comedy effects"
…THEN…Sanzo will miss a lot of exercise…hitting Goku's head with his harisen to be precise
STATEMENT # 08: IF Hakuryu cannot change into a jeep…
…THEN…the Sanzo-ikkou already have gray hair before they reach their destination
…THEN…poor, poor lil' toes, it will be so sore before they could reach any town [specially Sanzo's…I noticed he's the only one who's wearing sandals…and he's wearing cute black socks too, that will be a lil' uncomfortable if he's going to walk his way to the west]
…THEN…hmmm…perhaps it's time for the Sanzo-ikkou to buy rubber shoes…Nike anyone?
…THEN…Hakuryu will be in the belly of Goku by now
…THEN…Goku will add Hakuryu in the menu the next time Hakkai will cook for them…{a peek in Goku's menu…}
Menu For The Day
Fried Hakuryu
Roasted Hakuryu basted in white wine
Steamed Hakuryu
Hakuryu buns
Hakuryu dumplings
A/N: awww…poor Hakuryu, I wonder how Hakkai will react the moment he sees this [I know Hakkai will not let anyone hurt our cute Hakuryu…might as well EAT him]
____________*****____________
To Be Continued…
A/N: YAWNS!!!…ummm…I'm so sleepy now {looks at watch…exactly 3:30 a.m. …YIKES!}
…Yipee! At last…my very first fic! Well, I managed to put the first eight statements here… I have other statements in my sleeves but I just want to save them for the next chappies [yup! Other statements like 'IF a Gensomaden Saiyuki character have SARS…' to 'IF Kougaiji is part of the Sanzo-ikkou…' or 'IF a Gensomaden bishounen turned into a {gasp!}…SHOUJO?!!!' and other craziness this mind of mine concocts] It will only depend to the reviews I will receive… If you guys want me to continue it, just inform me and I'll be happy to finish it [and I'll be happy too if you will give me some suggestions or if you want to add some of your "THENs" in my statement…just e-mail me (^_^)] but if you don't like my fic I won't mind it if you will give some of your comments [I believe that people learn from their mistakes]…just pleaseeeee…don't be to harsh on me…I'm just a beginner [and like I said earlier…I'm only human…I make mistakes too J ] … but I do hope that you like it…because the best thing that a fanfic writer could receive after such tedious work is a few warm remarks and reviews of praise from readers (^_^) oyasumi then…I guess… {yawns} it's time… for me to sleep…(-_-)zzzzzz {doze off to dream land}
while dragon_wing_master is sleeping…the Sanzo-ikkou take a lil' peep in the statements…
Sanzo:……………………………………………...{took his gun out and points it to sleeping dragon_wing_master…good thing Hakkai stopped him}
Goku: BWAHAHAHAHAHa…{points at Gojyo}…YOU!!! A gentleman!!!! Guffaw guffaw!!! NO WAY!!!
Gojyo: harharhar {sarcastic}…very funny…{looks at statements and end up laughing his stomach out} bwaharharhar!!! YOU… BAKA SARU!!!???? Loose his apetite?…and wait…there's more…YOU??? A GENIUS!!!! Harharhar!!! Now that's unbelievable!!!
Hakkai: yareyare desu ne!!! {reads statements then look slyly to Hakuryu…} Ne hakuryu-chan…I heard that there's a rally and off-road expedition starting up here in Tougenkyo…hmmm…perhaps we could join??? [sinister smile]
Hakuryu: kyu???? KYUUUUUUU!!!! {reads statements and saw "Fried Hakuryu"} ACK! More KYU KYUs!!!