A/N: Given how a decent portion of readers should already familiar with the world of Evangelion, further exposition would be unnecessary, however if some readers would like some context, here is how an ork would explain it.

So der's dese 'umiez dat find sum squishy fing. Den dey poke da squishy an' it 'sploded in dere faces. Dat krumps a buncha dem. Den dey figur oot dat a buncha zenos are gunna come an krump da rest 'a dem. So dey bild sum big meks so dey can has a rite propa smashin'. But onlee smalla humies can pilot da stompas. So dey send smalla humies ta fight da anjels.

If you don't know what an Ork is, well, you're going to find out soon enough.

Shingee 'Heart-Chompa' Ikary stood and at the looked at the picture.

Before we continue, certain amounts of exposition is necessary so that the reader may question, "What even happened during this altered Second Impact that caused humans to transform into orks?" and receive a timely answer. The answer, is glaringly simple. The actual Second Impact largely resembled an enormous explosion. The impact on the world was roughly the same, however the explosion also released a large amount of infertile Ork spores. These spores, being infertile, were forced to mutate into parasitic organisms that would take over their hosts and 'orkify' them in order to survive. The immune system of humans, however, politely declined the invitation and spent the next few days waging war with the Ork spores. Already weakened from infertility, the ork spores were unable to gain any major traction towards conquering the human genome, however, if your race can battle Tyranids on a cellular level, then a few puny humie cells would never be able to defeat ork cells, no matter their condition. While the internal war took place, the external effects on the human body began to show.

Normally, fever is a sign of the body fighting off bacterial invaders, but bacteria can never reach the level of ork spores. Thusly the body began to suffer major internal shutdowns, to the point at which the higher ups in the brain were willing to negotiate. Coming to an agreement, ork and human cells chose to enter a symbiotic relationship. Ork cells could have most of the physical traits while human cells would keep the mental area in tune. However, prolonged exposure to each other has changed both cells, giving these orks their hybrid traits. Why there were ork spores expelled with the explosion of Adam, is up to debate, but it can be postulated as the doing of the Old Ones, the reason for such may never be known, because the orks certainly don't care and aren't smart enough to find out.

While normal Orks are supposed to be genderless, when Second Impact hit, the inclusion of a Y chromosome in the genetic sequence of roughly half of the occupants on Earth could not be stamped out so easily by the Ork genes. Instead, the entire collective of female DNA took to the ork genes with metaphorical frying pans and other assorted weapons made from every day household kitchenware. The Ork genes, realizing the potential bloodthirstiness of the other gender, changed tactics and opted to assimilate and mutate female DNA and hormones instead of simply destroying it. As a result of this, the entire female population of orks were permanently on a period-like state of rage. Understandably, women's rights progressed at a ludicrous pace.

One such mutation of the female gender included increased proportions of the.. ahem.. reproductive organs. Little girls with ironing-board chests that would have made loli lovers create neuron stars with the stiffness of their genitalia grew chests the size of melons. Mature women achieved breast proportions usually seen in anime, or hentai where the viewer's discretion is concerned. Needless to say, the porn industry flourished like everyone had suddenly become one of Japanese descent, unless you preferred flat-chested girls or girls that didn't have humanly impossible breast sizes, though those orks were usually krumped due to being 'un-orky.'

One may question, "How could orks produce porn in a post extinction event world? Along with the fact that orks are naturally bloodthirsty and would be constantly killing each other, how did they achieve a stable enough society to even acquire the means of cinematography and mass distribution with a form of currency to propel an economy based off of buying and selling porn?" Well this, dear readers, is due to the human origin of the newly minted Orks. Since human and Ork cells were joined symbiotically, the hybrids retained enough restraint as to not let human society completely break down. Yes the general populace was considerably bloodthirstier, but it was not to the same degree as natural Orks. Along with retaining most of their human intelligence, the new orks did not experience too much social change.

Returning to the current story, as the socioeconomic impacts of humans being orkified is a topic for later, Shingee stared at the picture that was sent to him. The photo displayed a purple-haired woman, with breasts achieved only in works of fiction such as those of WitchKingGod or WitchKing00, depending on where you read his works.

The photo was signed, "Mesatoe Katsuragee."

Shingee then looked over at the next item that was sent to him, a card with the words, "Oi, git ova 'ere Shingee," from his father. Perhaps feeling upset with your father for abandoning you for 15 years could be considered 'un-orky,' though Shingee would rip out your heart and eat it if you were to call him that, but Shingee wasn't your average ork in the emotional aspect.*

Seeing as he had been waiting for a good hour and a half now, Shingee was growing fed up with waiting. He strode up to a phone booth and attempted to smash the door down, however that had already been done by the ork who had used it before him, much to his disappointment and growing bloodlust.

Off in the distance he could hear a faint buzzing. Gradually, it grew larger until Shingee could make out a deffkopta flying overhead. It seemed to be following a giant entity of vaguely orkanoid shape with disproportionately sized limbs.

One of the deffkoptas went in for a volley. Faint cries of "WAAAGH" could be heard. The angel reached out and swatted the kopta like a fly.

Just as the kopta spiraled into a building and crashed, a kar pulled up. Its window rolled down and revealed the... orkess? Femork? Google-Senpai does not appear to have an answer for the correct term for a female ork.

"Kom wif me if youz want ta liv," She said.

"I fink dat's a differunt muvee."

"Nevva mind den. Fanks fer waitin'. Are 'oo Shingee?

"Yeh."

"Awight den, git in da kar an' letz git goin.'"

Shinjee got into the car. One of the first things he noticed, usually among the foremost of observations from those in the passenger seat, was the driver's skill, or lack of thereof. It could be described as a rather hair-raising ride, and this is coming from an ork, and it would be safe to say that Shingee had seen better Speed Freek drivers. Mesatoe was the first to speak, mainly due to Shingee trying to prevent his internal organs from bouncing out of his mouth like a pile of bouncy balls dropped out a window.

"So, youz favva is da boss."

"Dat's in name onlee."

"Wots da matta between 'oo too?"

"Dis iz da furst time 'es torked ta me in yeers."

"So youz a bit upset?"

"Wot ubout it?"

Realizing that it was a sensitive topic, Mesatoe chose to stop talking.

A short while later, Mesatoe swerved her kar into a viewpoint, constructed by humiez as a spot to stop and observe the city, on the side of the road. The side of the sidewalk, that is. She stopped the car so that it directly faced the Angel.

"Why'ze we stoppin'?"

"Youz evva seen a N-Too Mine?"

"No."

"Well, youz gunna rite now."

The angel in the distance could be seen swatting at a tiny blitza-bommer before a large explosion enveloped the entire angel. The shockwave from the blast could be felt from the kar and the sound wave would've shattered the kar windows if the kar had still had windows.

For a few seconds, the only visible sight was smoke. Then, as per the laws of anime, a giant figure slowly began to make its way out of the smoke, revealing that the angel was entirely unharmed.

"It didn't wurk."

"Well, dat jus' means yur gunna like youz prezent even more."

She stepped on the gas, not realizing she hadn't set the shift to 'reverse.'

The kar went off the cliff. It smashed into the ground with a jarring crash.

"Oops."

Shinjee remained silent.

"Lemme jus' drive back up, awrite?"

"Jus' don't driv offa da cliff agin."

.

Two hours later, the kar arrived at the GeoFront. Also known as 'Big Rok' by its inhabitants. Original plans had called for it to be a pyramid that could retract into the ground. The meks who had built it decided that was stupid, so they made it look like a rok. The reasoning being, it would camouflage with the surroundings. It was painted purple for good measure.

"Welcom ta da Big Rok. Dis is werr yur favva is."

They drive up to a booth that was supposed to pass for a security checkpoint, and it would, in the bizarre, orky sense, if it hadn't been missing the actual extendable barrier.

Mesatoe leaned up against a wall speaker.

"Passwurd?"

She responded by shouting as loudly as possible, "WAAAAAGH."

"Passwurd akepted. Welkom back Mayjer."

She drove the kar past the checkpoint and into a tunnel. Driving down a ramp, they entered a parking lot, though there was no particular designated spots for kars, orks merely rammed aside other kars to make room for their own.

With surprising power and durability, Mesatoe rammed her kar into a massive trukk, knocking it over and to the side. The sound of screeching and breaking metal echoed throughout the parking lot. Satisfied that her kar was properly parked, Mesatoe pulled out the keys and got out.

Shingee did not immediately follow.

"Wot's da matta wif 'oo? Are ya komin'?"

"Just a sek."

Grabbing his shoulder, he pulled a long metal pole out of his arm, lodged there by the trukk's collision with Mesatoe's car.

Punching out the kar door, he got out and shakily stood up.

"I nevva want ta ride a kar wif 'oo evva again."

Chuckling, Mesatoe gestured towards a corridor leading deeper into the Big Rok.

"Kom on. Iz time ta meet da boss."

Thirty minutes later, the pair were hopelessly lost and had no idea where they were.

"I'z thot ya werked heer."

"I do. But dis plaze iz reel big. We'ze gunna get dere soon."

"Dat's wot ya sed furty minutes 'go. An we'ze pazzed dis wall free times now."

"Nah, da meks bilt all da walls ta luk da same sho intrudas wuld git lorst."

"Argh we da intrudas den?"

"Kwit ya winin' we'ze arlmost dere."

"Shure."

Another half hour later, just as Shingee was about to give up and sit to wait for someone to find them, another Ork shouted at them from an intersecting hallway.

"OI! WOT AR YA DOIN' IN ME SWAMP!"

"Wot?"

"Da arthur rily liks muvy referenshes."

"Ah."

"But wer was ya's? We'ze bin waitin' an 'our fer ya."

Upon closer inspection Shingee could see the newly appeared ork to be of the feminine gender, and if her white lab coat didn't give away her occupation, the sheer amount of kustomizashuns protruding from her body most definitely did.

"'Ello dere. I'z be Dok Ritzuku. Are 'oo Shingee?"

"Yeh."

"Perfekt."

Shingee gulped. Whenever a dok used that tone it usually indicated 'speriments would be taking place on your body, consensual or otherwise.

"Now den. Folla' me."

She led them through a series of long, spiraling hallways until direction and sense were befuddled and muddled into taking a vacation. It was hard to tell how much time had been spent walking through the halls, but the Dok arrived eventually at a door. The words 'Top Sekrit' were crudely painted on it with what might have been blood, or a very dark orange juice.

"Ur ya redy fer dis?"

"Wot iz it?"

"Open da dore an' find owt."

Shingee pulled open the door, revealing a cavernous chamber. A massive mek stood in the center, painted purple and green with assorted armaments scatter over the body. There were countless cannons and guns attached to every inch of a massive mek. Painted purple with a bestial face, it was the most beautiful thing Shingee had ever seen.

"Werll? Wud da ya fink?" The dok asked.

"It'z perfekt." He said in an awed tone.

"This iz Oonit-Wun. Dere's nevva enuff dakka, but dis iz wun step klozer."

"Indeed." came a voice from above, "'Appy burfday Shinjee."

Shinjee looked up and saw a massive terminal, with a figure standing behind its glass windows.

"Favver."

"'Ello me sun."

"Why are ya up dere?"

"Cuz I know dat you'z gunna hit me 'f I'z down dere."

"You'z be rite about dat."

"But dat's not da poynt. You'z seen da anjel on yur way 'ere, rite?"

"Yez."

"Gud. You'z gunna pielot Oonit-Wun an krump da zoggin fing. By da way, Oonit-Wun 'az da sull of ya ded mum, Yui, in dere. Say 'ello when ya git in."

Shingee nodded.

"Got it. Anyfing elze?"

"Oh yeah, meet ya sista. She's a clone of yur mum, but alzo part anjel. Iz wun of dem skience fings Dok tellz me."

Another female ork lying on top of a hospital stretcher was wheeled into the chamber. Her hair was light blue and her skin, covered in bandages, was an unnatural white. She stared at him with blood red eyes.

"Oi, ya git. I'z be Ree."

"Noice ta meet ya."

"Hav fun wiv da anjel."

"Fanks."

Shinjee turned to Dok Ritzuku.

"So 'ow do Oi git in dere?"

The Dok pointed to the top of the mek. "Orijinally we'ze gunna have you in a big toob, but den we'ze desided dat wuz dum, so now ya just klime inta da kokpit an sit down. Dere's gunna be sum kontrol stikz fer you to pilot da fing. Got anymore kwestshuns?"

"'Ow do da kontrols work?"

"Figger it out as ya go, ya stinkin' grot."

"Fine den. Itz loik it dat way bettur."

Shinjee jumped onto Oonit-Wun and climbed his way up, lifting up the cockpit and sitting down in the pilot's seat. He banged the sides of the cockpit and shouted.

"'Ello mum, you in 'ere?"

The entire body of Oonit-Wun hummed and a voice spoke in Shinjee's head.

Shinjee! Me boy, you'ze all grown up now.

"Roit den mum, we'ze got ta krump an anjel."

Yea, yea, wun fing furst.

With no input from Shingee, Oonit-Wun moved its leg, bringing it up and smashing it down upon the spot Dok Ritzuku had been standing. Yui lifted her foot up, revealing a sunken crater with a distinctive lack of crushed Doks.

"Oi'l git ya nekks time ya hoor!" She called out through her external loudspeakers.

A small voice from somewhere below bellowed up in return.

"Keep troiying ya dum 'arlot!"

"Iz dere a reezon fer dat?" Shingee asked.

Dat bitch finks she kan take me man and kustomize him now dat I'ze in 'ere.

"OPEN DA DOORS." Mesatoe bellowed. Above Oonit-Wun the ceiling parted, exposing open sky. The Eva Oonit crouched low, tensing its legs and jumped. The force of the jump knocked everyone in the Eva chamber back, slamming them into the walls. Oonit-Wun landed outside with an earthshaking boom, uprooting the trees around its landing area.

Inside Oonit-Wun Shingee noticed a talky-majik start blasting out words.

"DIS BE MESATOE, YOUZ MISSON IZ TO KRUMP DAT ANJEL. YOUZ SHUD SEE IT STRATE AHEAD. WE'ZE BE WACHING YOU."

Shingee pushed the kontrol stikks forward, moving Oonit-Wun towards the Anjel. The Anjel was in direct view, its masked face staring directly at the Eva. It screeched terribly, sounding like sharp nails on a chalkboard, if the two were larger than a mountain. Shingee and Oonit-Wun responded with their own cry, matching and overtaking the Anjel in volume.

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!

*The usual orky response to emotions being, "Tuff it up, ya zoggin' git. It bilds karacter."

How'd I do with the Ork versions of the Eva names? Got any better suggestions for the Ork versions of character names? I'm all ears.