A/N: EDIT: BUZZ OFF WITH THE FLAMES! I'm writing this while I'm cooped up in the house!

This is the best I can do at the moment with my health being the way it is.

Damnit! I thought I was feeling better!

SPOILERS AHOY!

Well, that goes without saying, considering all hell has broken loose by now. Naruto certainly delights in causing chaos, doesn't he? I'm still watching Volume Seven of RWBY and some of the choices they characters are making are...well. Just a bit baffling. I'll try not to let it poison the show for me, but still.

Had a lot of fun writing this, though I'm still under the weather.

Maria Calavera...well. She has potential. Loads of it really.

She just needs to get past that fear of hers...with a little bit of deadly mortal combat.

"You failed. So what? I've failed more than any living being in existence. That's the thing about failure. Its an excellent teacher.

Each time I failed? I got right back up again. Failure makes you stronger. Failure makes you fierce.

That is why we fight. So that we may never fail again. Now get up!"

~?

Blind Justice

Maria Calavera considered herself relatively sane.

Well, as sane as an near-blind woman well past her prime could be.

After all she'd seen and done in her heyday, all the Grimm she'd killed, she liked to think a little bit of cowardice was acceptable. Her fighting days were long behind her; her body shrunken and hunched, strong bones now old and brittle. These days she took pleasure in the simpler things. Long walks in the countryside, driving others mad, pestering Cordovin whenever she wanted to visit Mantle to get her eyes checked, that sort of thing. It was the little joys in life that kept the retired huntress going. It was a simple life, but it was her life, a quiet cottage removed from the cares of the world. She was content to let the younger generation handle things.

Until someone yanked her out of bed by the scruff of her neck.

"Rise and shine, cupcake." a low voice growled behind her ears. "Its training day."

"What? Let go of me, blast you!" she flailed, searching for her captor. "Who the devil are you?!"

"Ho? Devil, you say?" peals of frigid laughter sent chills shooting down her spine, "Not quite, but close."

"I said let go!"

She half-expected her captor to whip her at the nearest wall; but no, he simply walked downstairs, holding her out before him like a naughty kitten. All the while the diminutive woman struggled against him, kicking and scratching for all she was worth, which sadly, wasn't much these days. Her legs rebounded off a broad chest that felt disturbingly like steel and the furrows her fingers dug into his hand healed near instantly. She would know. She saw it with her own -albeit slightly faulty- mechanical eyes. What was this creature? By the time they reached the lower foyer, she'd begun to sweat.

An assassin? No, she'd lost her Silver Eyes long ago. What could this thing possibly want with her?

In a fit of pique, she reared back and bit his hand. Her captor yelped in surprise.

"Seriously?!" the man's voice warped into a snarl. "Feisty little...!"

So did Maria; because she'd drawn blood just now and acrid tang burned her tongue ten times over. Without thinking she swallowed. Mistakes were made. Before, the taste had burned. Now it scalded, briefly leaving her gasping for air like a fish out of water. But at the same time it brought on a rush of strength, a flow of vitality she hadn't felt in age. Her joints ceased aching and her muscles lost the ache that had left her hunched over for the better part of a decade now.

Unfortunately, she also started laughing.

"Oh for the love of me!" her captor graoned. "Did you have to bite?! Now you're gonna be blood drunk for hours."

Much to her surprise her dropped her onto a nearby sofa.

Her eyes must be malfunctioning; they had to be, because this blond buffoon looked like someone out of a fever dream. The horns didn't help. Still, he didn't appear particularly menacing. Those sharp blue eyes followed her every movement, whiskered cheeks dimpled in a small smile. One hand cradled the other, favoring his bitten limb with something akin to annoyance. She'd bitten down hard and he barely looked wounded for it. No, he seemed more amused than anything else...and blurry. Or perhaps that was just her vision.

"So, Maria!" his smile floored her. "Lets make a deal. Want your real eyes back?"

...why ar' there three of you?" she slurred.

Naruto's mouth clicked open. He snapped it shut.

"You know what? Screw it!" a hand rose as she swayed in place thrice over. "I'll give you back your youth as a bonus. Just don't start singing."

Maria squinted at him. "I didn't understan' a woooooord of that."

...I'm going to enjoy this far more than I should."

And then there was pain.

A wave of heat and flame and life slammed into Maria like a tidal wave, blasting the drunken old biddy from her feet to send her cartwheeling knocking her over the couch and out of sight. Whatever it was, whatever he'd done to her, it burned right through the pleasant hazed that enveloped her senses. Oh, did it burn. She felt her body stiffen and stretch. Grey faded from her hair as her body wriggled and writhed and her eyes...there were no words for what transpired there, for the sheer blistering agony of having organic tissue pushing through cybernetics.

Someone was screaming, a young, shrill sound that had no business emerging from a human throat.

'Oh, wait.' Maria experienced a sudden flash of bitterness and epiphany. 'That's me, isn't it?'

"Oops." she heard her captor grunt. "Might've overdone it here. Let me fix that."

Without words or warning, the pain ceased, causing her to clamor upright with a gasp. Something told her she'd suffer a terrible fate if she lay there like a lemming. Where once a ruined crone had fallen behind the couch, a young woman emerged. A young woman's face scowled back at him, Silver Eyes wide and murderous with light. What sorcery was this? Her old outfit was a ruin, little more than threadbare navy rags now clinging to the hardened yet still shapely form of a warrior, but try as she might, she couldn't bring herself to care. Only two words came to the fore and she flung them at her guest like a curse.

"You brute!"

"Naruto, but that'll do." the intruder sketched a bow. "Welcome back, Grimm Reaper."

She didn't even have the words to challenge him. "I...you...how...

"Magic?" he beamed. "Speaking of which, catch."

Life and Death -her old weapons- sailed at her head in silent repose before she could condemn him again. Without thinking she snatched them out of the air, hefting her treasured tools as one might a priceless pair of gem necklaces. Spirits, they looked just as she remembered them to be. They weren't even broken anymore. It was too much to take in, too much happening at once. She could barely think, much less comprehend it all.

"Now we've got to fix that cowardice of yours."

The attack hit without warning; One moment Maria been staring at the smooth skin of her hands; in the next, a boot cannoned into her chest and launched her into the tundra.

Scraping herself out of the snow, she struggled upright. "What are you even doing?!"

"Recruiting most, screwing with Salem's plans."

"You...you're mad."

"Lady," Blue eyes narrowed. "I just gave a wanted criminal immortality. I give no fucks! Now, then."

Naruto stalked after her.

"Fight me."

She backed up. "What? No."

He shoved her. "I said fight me."

"I'm not going to fight some random fool-

"No?" His gaze blazed. "Then fight me or die. Either way? We're going to beat the fear right out of you. Here and now."

Life and Death whirred into a block a heartbeat before his hand would have found her head. Even then her weapon creaked ominously as he pushed against it, a sullen reminder of her weakness. Her youth and vitality had been restored to her, but her skills had not. She'd grown too old. Too rusty. Her movements were sluggish and slow when they should have been a razor's edge. Still, her Semblance flared and she flashed into a whirling dervish of tan and blue before his eyes, hooking her kama around to cut deeply into his shoulder.

"Use the fear! Master it! Don't let it control you!"

Maria cut at his legs and received a backhand for her trouble. "Can't you just-

"No." she narrowly blocked a swing with her forearm, though the blow left her arm numb on the follow through. "I swore a long time ago that I'd never influence people like that." he swatted away her counter-strike and headbutted her, sending her world and body reeling. "I may be a meddling god, but the decisions you people make? Those belong to you. Giving you back your skills was something done to your body, not the mind. NOW SHOW ME THE GRIMM REAPER!"

Death raked across the back of his shoulder, drawing a startled laugh.

"Better." the world was a growl as he tore her weapon free. "But not enough. You're still afraid."

"Of course I'm afraid!" She yelped, twirling her weapons into a staff to block a kick at her legs. "You're trying to kill me!"

"Trying?" His grin turned feral. "No, no, no, I'll do much worse if you don't block this next attack. Or dodge. Whichever comes naturally."

Maria never had a chance to respond to that jab; because his right arm shot forward, swirling with blue light. A whirring noise snarled in her ear and something snapped. This was it. She couldn't see past that whirling raw azure vortex hurtling toward her face. She was going to die. Just like that. Her life snuffed out for nothing. For no one. No. Not again. Not like this. Never again. She heard herself scream, felt her eyes begin to burn with power. Maria didn't think. Didn't feel. She just moved, twisting out of the way, hooking his outstretched arm with one of her scythes, until, with a vicious upward slice-

"Argh?!"

Blood spattered across her face. It wasn't her own.

And for the first time since she'd met him, Naruto growled in pain.

It was only for a moment, just an instant; a sliver of a snarl that sounded like an avalanche tumbling down the mountainside. He doubled over, gasping for breath as he clutched at the ruined stump that had once been his right arm. Maria mirrored him, falling into a low crouch as the severed limb tumbled over her shoulder. She wasn't alarmed when he grew the limb back; if anything, she'd grown numb to it all. Oh, the fear was still there; beating against her breast like a wild beast-but she'd tempered it. Contained it. Channeled it into strength. Alongside something else. She'd bested him, however briefly; it was a heady feeling.

She wanted to feel it again.

"Get up."

Naruto blinked.

"That's more like it."

With a roar, he lunged at her.

A/N: Nothing like a bit of mortal danger to bring your fighting instincts back.

Now the games can begin. Don't think Salem's staying silent either, she's gone to work as well...in her own way. As ever, look forward to the pranks, the chaos, the FOODFIGHTS and everything else. As ever reviews are fuel. I wither and die without them.

So in the Immortal Words of Atlas...

...Review Would You Kindly?

Or I might die of misery.

Enjoy the previews~!

And the Omake.

(Omake)

It just wasn't fair.

Cardin utter the blackest of oaths as he tumbled to his feet and nearly lost his head in the rolling. Sharp fangs nipped at his arse, drawing a yelp from the near-naked boy. He'd woken here in the Emerald Forest -in the middle of the night!- with nothing but his breeches and his weapon; though he supposed he ought to be grateful the later- now Executioner swung wildly too and fro; focus and form all but forgotten as he fought for his life. Naturally, that fear only drew more Grimm down on him, until at last he tripped.

"I'm afraid I don't have much time to play with you," his tormentor hummed, walking over his bare back. "The boss is busy with Maria, I'm just here as a courtesy."

"But why?!" Didn't he at least deserve to know the reason for this?! If he was going to die like this, he ought to know at least!

"Because you are a bully, my boy." Naruto's shadow clone exhaled in a put upon sigh. "And I despise bullies."

Cardin didn't even have time to scream as the Grimm swarmed him.

(Previews)

Tap.

Tap. Tap.

Tap. Tap. Tap.

"WILL YOU STOP THAT?!"

Summer Rose opened her eyes.

And the first thing she saw was a devil's smile.

"Welcome back." Naruto beamed. "That'll be one soul, please."

She jerked upright.

"Kidding! I'm kidding!"

"Stop! Setting! Me! On! Fire!"

"I'm sorry, does this hurt?" Cinder purred. "Seems you can't do anything about it."

"You're right. I'm not allowed to harm you, per the agreement. However. Your mistress missed a loophole." Naruto's smile turned vicious as he climbed back to his feet, and her confidence guttered out. "If you're going to act like a brat, then maybe you ought to be one. Starting now."

Golden eyes narrowed. "Your tricks won't work on me."

A peal of bemused laughter greeted her. "No tricks here, kiddo."

Cinder raised a hand to blast him again, only for her world to lurch. Why did everything look...bigger? Why were her limbs smaller? Why-urk?!

She felt her face drain of color as she looked down at herself. What was this?! Where had her chest gone? Her body?! The now-ten-year-old gaped. A hand shot down and plucked off the ground like a naughty kitten, dangling her from her too-large dress. She flailed at him with a startled shriek, her now girlish voice betraying her just as much as her lack of strength. What happened? Where had her power gone? Why couldn't she hurt him?! She couldn't even use her Semblance!

"WHAT DID YOU DO?!"

"Humbled you." a shit-eating grin greeted her. "For the day at least. Now lets get you a change of clothes."

In the end, Cinder had two words for him. Very strong words. "Fuck you!"

Her tormentor gasped. "Language!"

"You can't trust Salem." Ozpin swore. "Don't you see?! The world will burn if you honor this agreement. You'll doom us all."

"Your world has been already soaked in gasoline for ages, my good man." came the reply. "I'm just the spark."

Salem blew out a breath. "Alright. He wants to play that way, does he? Hazel! To war!"

R&R~!