A/N: EDIT: I've already deleted fifteen flamers saying nothing but curse words as of posting this. This story has been out...what, five minutes? Gods, that gets depressing after awhile. Guess this story isn't really liked by people...I understand...

T_T

ALSO! A WARNING!

Try not to take this story too seriously.

This is part of the "Not Going Home" series after all.

Its meant to cause chaos, make you laugh, and question your sanity.

Expect RWBY: Chibi levels of humor and insanity here...just not with the chibi models themselves. In any case, since everyone seems to be clamoring for a nonsensical version purely full of chaos, puns, and shenanigans, lets have it! HERE! As I said earlier is going to be the last NarutoxRWBY story for awhile, I've got updates to write and work to do.

Spoilers for...well. Just about everything.

I own no references or quotes.

Only this silly little idea.

"Good or evil. Black and white. Light and shadow.

They say you can find the measure of man in their choices.

Isn't that a little biased, though? Men and women are capable of great good...

...or unholy acts of evil. From mortal to god, human to beast, we each make our own choices.

Hmm? Me? I chose chaos. Life's so much more...vivid when you don't know what's going to happen next. Wouldn't you agree?"

~?

Mother of Madness

So.

Remnant.

Well, well, well.

Color me intrigued.

Where has this little jewel been hiding?

Say what you will about this place; for all their cruelty and savagery, the people here are capable of great things. It doesn't change the fact that its still a realm of hunters and monsters. Of might and magic. And weapons. Which are also guns. Mostly. But the monsters here? They're tame compared to what I see. You want to see real terror? Visit the world of Bloodborne. Those blasted bloody THINGS make these Grimm look like puppies by comparison. But in any case, I digress. We were talking about the world of Remnant and RWBY weren't we? This world's unlike any other I've seen before.

A world of of infinite possibility.

So what's a wandering God to do when he blunders into it?

Anything he wants, really. That's the crux of the matter, you see.

There aren't any Gods in this world; well, there were, but not anymore. Seems they left this world behind ages ago. I have no intention of being one in their stead. Nor do I intend to take their place. Nope. Where's the fun in that? Light and dark are all well and good, but I prefer...grey. Rigid moral standards are for mortals. Where's the fun in choosing a side when you can play EVERY side against the other and watch the madness unfold? I can't think of a better way to spend a vacation. What? Don't give me that look. I'm not the villain here. I'm just a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what do with one if I caught it! So, lets think about this. Prank war? No, too easy. Too simple. Food fights? Tempting, but we need something...more.

And wouldn't you know it? I know just where to start. In the shade.

So lets start up the parade and watch the light fade.

Its all just one big charade.

(...0o0o0...)

"Would you like to play a game, my dear?"

Those words came out of nowhere, echoing in the blackened halls of her castle to mock Salem for her every sin.

Initially, the Mother of Grim wanted nothing more than to dismiss the voice outright when she first entered her chambers; to dismiss it as a mere figment of her imagination. An illusion born from her weary mind. She must be seeing things, surely. No one -not even Cinder herself- was fool enough to speak to her in such a way. She was in no mood for games this early in the morn', least of all with some sly stranger. The very notion that someone had the gall to do such almost amused her; in that she'd relish tearing the flesh from their bones as she savored their screams.

Alas, it was not to be. No amount of blinking would banish the garish scene before her.

Orange.

Every facet of color had been bleached the most hideous and obnoxious shade known to man. He'd drenched the entire room in it; from the floor to the tables and chairs down to the high, overarching ceiling. Not even the windows were spared, rendered opaque by copious amounts of paint. Her mouth twitched slightly at the sight, the sole sign of her outward displeasure. Inwardly? She wanted to reach out and snap his neck.

And he was in her seat.

Her.

Seat.

Sprawled out at the head of the long table like some redolent monarch, the newcomer raised a bottle in merry salute before pouring out a glass for himself. Her nose wrinkled at the faint scent of alcohol. The last thing she needed was some drunkard wandering about her castle. This thought caused her to stride towards him, intent upon removing this stain.

"Immortality's a bitch, isn't?" he began to hum as she strode forward, idly swirling the glass in place. "Its never quite what we expect it to be, and damn near impossible to get rid of."

"You," Salem began with a venomous purr, "Have three seconds to fix this room and get out of my chair before I do things to you."

A golden brow arched. "Oh, darling. Don't threaten me with a good time."

The doors crashed shut behind her with an audible crunch.

"Alright, alright. Spoilsport." Tan fingers snapped.

And the room rippled.

It was as if someone simply reached out and flipped a switch. All the world blurred before her very eyes, draining the obscene colors from Salem's view to replace them with the darker shades she'd so come to favor. Even the windows were restored to their former glory. She glimpsed a flock of Grimm wheeling about outside and briefly considered bringing them down on his head. It would be so easy-

"I'd rather you didn't." the stranger's drawling voice interjected itself into her thoughts. "You'd make quite the mess of your little castle."

This time, Salem regarded the stranger with newfound intent when he spoke, pausing to actually note his features.

At a glance this intruder looked to be little more than a jester wearing a horned hat; bright blue eyes famed by whiskered cheeks and messy blond hair. Indeed, her first instinct was to think of him as some fanciful fool clad in a coat of many colors-predominately navy and emerald, oddly enough-with not a single spark between his brain cells. It was only his smile that warned otherwise. It didn't quite reach his eyes - that told her all she needed to know. A wise man once said fools were harmless, but beware the man who plays the fool. For all his prattling and prancing, this was no simpleton. Those were horns growing out of his head, nasty curved things, cruel and scarlet.

How had he found his way here?

Nevermind the arduous journey to her dark kingdom, the Grimm should have stopped him long ago. Or sensed him, at the very least. She saw through their eyes; she should've noticed him sooner. No, more than that - member of her own inner circle was here, even now present in her castle. Surely they wouldn't have let him pass without a fight; a fight she would've heard. It didn't make any sense. Not even Tyrian was so mad as to grant passage to someone like this. Which begged the question? Where were they?

"If you're worried about the rest of your pets, don't be." perhaps sensing her thought -had he read her mind again?- the stranger hummed and stood up to make way for her. "I only killed two of them on my way here. You can have your seat back. And these."

Before she could think to as what he was up to, the whiskered warrior dipped a hand into his cloak and extracted a pair of...

...oh.

A flick of his wrist sent the severed heads of Tyrian and Watts tumbling across the floor to land at her feet. Their stunned faces gaped up at her, frozen in their final moments of agony. Salem felt nothing for them beyond a vague annoyance at having lost such a useful pair. Tyrian could be easily replaced of course, but Watts was useful. He would've been instrumental when it came time to bring Atlas down...now this vagabond waltzed into her home and she found that plan turned to so much dust in her palms. Still, her brief pall of anger was overshadowed by one of curiosity.

Anyone who could kill so casually might be useful to her, and so she throttled back her rage. Just a touch. "Is there a reason you killed two of my top lieutenants?"

"Of course there was." the young man scoffed. They annoyed me."

Ohhh, she took that back. She wanted to grind him into dust. It was only his previous display that kept her from making the attempt.

Sure enough, her "guest" noticed.

"Keeping your cool, eh? Good. I knew there was a reason I liked you. Besides, you're better off without them, really." came the shrug. "The mustachioed one wouldn't stop prattling on about how great he was. As to the scorpion...well." As she looked on a fresh glass materialized in his hand with the faintest shimmer of light. "I know crazy when I see it. This world won't miss him; I suspect you don't at that." the fainest shimmer shone in those wild blue eyes as he leaned back to regard her. "Do you even care about anyone or anything, anymore?"

Something snapped.

Fury seized control of Salem's body before she could stop herself; even as she snarled, a single swing of her right hand separated the man's head from his shoulders in a pale arc. It was a good strike all things considered; simple and clean. Quick and lethal. Efficient. Her guest made no move to resist or even defend himself; his body simply crumpled like a puppet severed from its strings to hit the floor. A small, victorious smile plucked upon the corner of her mouth as she watched his head bounced away, accompanied by a geyser of blood.

"C'mon, now! I just washed that coat!"

And yet he didn't die.

Much to Salem's dismay, his headless body righted itself not a heartbeat later and retrieved the man's fallen skull. A simple wrench reattached it to his neck with supernatural ease, where flesh flowed like milk to recover and restore the ghastly tear he'd left behind. He could have attacked her in that instant; gods knew she wouldn't have expected it; could have at least tried to strike her down while she appeared vulnerable. He made no such move; rather, the whiskered warrior instead vaulted onto the table to alight in a pointed crouch before her.

Salem took the opportunity to tear him into pieces this time.

"Will you stop that?!" her guest yelped.

Sure enough, the same cycle repeated itself in its ghastly fashion. Under her watchful eye his body flailed for a bit, recovered what lost limbs it could, and simply regenerated the rest. Only then, when it was reasonably whole, did it find the stranger's head and don it once more. Well. That settled her suspicions for the time being. Once Salem might have been dismissed as a foul fluke or an illusion; but she'd seen it twice now with her own eyes. She could still see his blood dripping from her hands, feel it on her fingers. Even little Emerald couldn't sustain an illusion for this long. Not to this degree. Seeing it firsthand both alarmed and disturbed her.

Thus, the Goddess of Grimm arched an elegant eyebrow. "You're...immortal?"

"No. I just enjoy being torn to bits." he sketched a stilted bow.

"And who are you?" she pressed with a frown.

"The proud lord said," Whiskered cheeks dimpled in a small smile as he retorted, "That I must bow so low...

"Excuse me?"

"I'm sorry! I couldn't help myself. That's a favorite quote of mine." a clawed hand rose in a swatting motion to wave her concerns away. "Now then, if its names you're after, I'll give you mine...so long as you refrain from doing that again." Regardless of her intentions, the newcomer introduced himself in short order. "Uzumaki Naruto, wandering god and prankster extraordinaire, at your service. Here's my card."

A full volume sailed straight across the table between them to land neatly in Salem's lap.

Her lips pursed in a frown she wasn't entirely sure that she felt. "This is a book."

"Why, so it is!" the blond tilted his head. "You'll find it quite the read."

She lobbed it back at his smirking face.

Gods above and below, this one was worse than Tyrian; to think she'd actually prefer that simpering idiot. Her patience was beginning to run thin; threads threatening to snap with each passing moment. Or perhaps that was her sanity? She couldn't be sure. If this continued, she was going to kill him again. And again. He'd die over and over.

"What. Do. You. Want." she ground the words through clenched teeth.

A lone finger poked her forehead.

"You."

Salem actually felt her cold heart skip a beat. "Bold, aren't you?"

"Hardly." his slim shoulders rose and fell in another shrug. "We wouldn't be having this conversation if I didn't think I had a chance with you."

Was this what passed for courtship these days? How quaint. He had her attention, if nothing else. Little more.

"You're going to attack Beacon academy a month or so from now," the horned one continued amicably as he slid into a seat opposite her. "I'd rather you didn't." those eerie blue eyes seemed to dance as he spoke, not in madness or mirth, but rather, with anticipation. "You see, I have a bit of a...vested interest in its continued existence, as well as those of several students within its walls. So I've come to bargain." Steeped fingers crossed themselves before her as he laid his chin to rest upon them. "Would you be willing to leave them be for now? I'll to make it worth your while if you heard me out."

"And why should I listen to you?" she shot back. "You have nothing to offer me."

His grin reminded her of something she'd rather forget.

Blue eyes narrowed merrily. "Don't I?"

With that single statement, his hands collided in a brilliant burst of light to create the single sharpest snap of sound she'd ever heard; a siren song singing life back into the dead air between the two of them. Despite all of her best efforts, Salem found herself forced to avert her gaze. When it finally faded, he held an ornate golden blue lantern in his hands.

Wait.

She knew that lantern.

"The Relic of Knowledge, fresh from its vault, with none the wiser." much to Salem's delight, Naruto held it aloft for her to grasp. "My gift to you. Free of charge."

She reached out for it-

"If you agree to my terms." he pulled it back.

...what kind of game are you playing at?" Salem scowled.

"The best kind. Mine." he gave her a smile that made what was left of her soul shiver. "You see, I want to play a game with you, Salem. Nothing like what you and Oz have going on of course; none of this cat and mouse business you've been on about for the last few centuries. What I'm proposing is quite simple. A contest, if you would. Winner take all."

A cold calm came over her. "I could just take it from you, boy."

"You could." Naruto consented with a sigh, once more tugging the Relic out of reach. "But you wouldn't have it for long. I'm immortal just like you. We could fight for eons and nothing would change. Alternatively, I could simply seal you away somewhere," the young man began to count off on the fingers of his right hand, banish you to a distant galaxy, trap you inside a sun. OR we could have some fun. Something to keep all those boring periods of tedium at bay. What do you say to a little wager?"

"Suppose I listen to you." she tilted her head. "What would the rules of this wager be?"

He laid them out for her in simple terms, alongside what he intended.

It was...surprisingly simple, all things considered. "And if I win?"

"You get everything." he beamed. "Do we have a deal?"

"I'll need more than just your word to believe you."

Rather than reply, the horned man granted her a toothy grin as he spread his arms. His shadow seemed to stretch out underfoot until it swallowed the entire room whole, all the while twisting into something horrible and bestial as it rose away from its master. Something bearing nine tails. Large enough to swallow her in a single gulp, Salem nevertheless stared it down with a dispassionate eye as its slavering jaws came within but a brush of her. For the first time in a century, she felt a modicum of respect for someone who wasn't an enemy. Perhaps this boy wasn't as pure as he let himself seem. This beast within certainly hinted at something far worse.

With a silent smile, he banished the shadow and offered her his hand.

Salem eyed him like a poisonous snake and immediately cursed herself for her hesitation. What was wrong with her? This arrangement was entirely in her favor. What did she have to lose? He'd already given her a relic; she could just as easily betray him for the rest later. So why did it feel as she were shaking hands with the devil himself? No, surely it was her imagination. Whomever this man was, he had no power over her. She'd humor him for a spell, perhaps even give him this so-called "date" he sought, and then throw him away when she'd used him up.

"Very well, then."

Forcing a false smile, she reached out to grasp his fingers.

Mistakes were made.

No sooner had Salem's hand closed around those clawed digits than a tingle shot through the base of her palm. It began as a small jolt, barely noticeable at first; that soon changed as a series of jagged black lines shot up the length of her arm to sear across her chest, leaving her gasping for breath. Stubbornly she fought to bring herself back under control, but the pain persisted, all but stealing her voice away. When she risked a glare to her arm, she found those eerie black marks staring back at her, threading beneath her gown.

"What...did you...do?!"

"Excellent!" For a fleeting sliver of a second, those eyes seemed to burn silver. "We have an accord. Neither of us can break it upon pain of death...

As he spoke, he peeled back his collar to expose a a livid black mark etched into his chest, bearing the shape of a star.

...and I do mean death. You've got a mark of your own now." he waited patiently as she inspected her own collar. "See? Yours resembles the moon, while mine is the sun." he laughed at her confusion. "Come now, you agreed to this! Consider it insurance, of a sort. If either of us breaks the rules of our little bargain we made...boom. Our souls will be destroyed. Instant eradication. No coming back from that." A snap of his fingers, and the pain beating in her breast abated. "Of course, I've left plenty of loopholes for either of us to exploit. You'll have to be clever about it, my dear. Now then, if there's nothing else..."

In a single swift motion, Naruto rose to his feet and sketched her another bow.

His grin reminded her of a conniving fox.

"Let the games begin."

A/N: Yes, I'm keeping Naruto's intentions secret for now.

Nevermind Salem, Gods, the world of Remnant isn't going to know what hit it, huh. For further clarification, we're just about into Volume 3 as of the time of this chapter. There, that should serve as timeline for anyone wanting to know. Expect to laugh at the craziness ahead.

Well, there we are.

Sheer hilarity and shenanigans to come~!

Feel free to review. Or not. In which case I'll probably die of depression.

So in the Immortal Words of Atlas...

...Review, Would You Kindly?

And enjoy a preview.

One or two.

Three?

(Previews!)

"Well, that certainly didn't take long. Why have you returned?"

A beat of silence pushed itself between the two of them.

"StealingEmeraldloveyabye!"

Salem bolted upright.

"BOY!"

"Ha! Prank queen!"

"Gimme back my scythe!"

"But its so red and shiiiiiiiiiiiiny!"

...huh. Guess you could say Cinder...FELL."

"That was a horrible pun. I hate you."

"Hey there, Maria! Want your real eyes back?"

"What in the world?! Where the devil did you come from, boy?!"

"Alright, alright. You drive a hard bargain. I'll give you back your youth as a bonus."

R&R~!