February 10, 2011

Dear Bones,

Look, I was looking for a way out of all the mess I'd created, okay?

I really thought I wanted to ask Hannah to marry me, but now I think I actually wanted her to make the decision to end things for me. I was a coward again. I know that now, and it all ended in a big fiasco, okay? And then she took off.

Do I ever get anything right? The way things work with me and women, either it's the wrong time, the wrong place, or the wrong person.

And now I'm sitting here at home, hungover, and my head's hurting like hell. After Hannah dumped me, you found me, and we spent the rest of the evening at the Founding Fathers...and I got really drunk.

I can't believe I came up with those 2 stupid options for you. What bullshit! As if I would ever want to be without you hanging around, okay? It was the liquor talking. Please blame my stupidity on the alcohol, okay?

You chose to stay with me after I gave you the 2 options, and I don't know how to thank you for that. I'm such a fool sometimes. Damn, I could have lost you again last night, right? But you're a good friend...and you stayed.

You even made sure I got home safe, and you took care of me...at least until I was in my bedroom. For a moment I was really worried that Hannah was still around, but she'd cleared her stuff out, and I'm glad, I guess. I couldn't have faced her in my condition.

Now I'm sitting here, alone again, and I'm angry...really angry...still angry.

At Becca, at you, at Hannah, at the whole world….but mostly at myself.

Seriously...what's wrong with me?

Why don't women want what I'm offering here?

Am I really so hard to love?

Would it be so horrible to stay with me, like forever?

I know this is self-pity, but it seems like I can't help it. I feel like I'm drowning in it right now.

Oh God, my head hurts so much. I looked in the mirror when I went to the bathroom. I barely knew the guy there, okay? I look like crap, so I called in at work and took a sick day. I hope there won't be a body found anywhere. I couldn't take it today.

I don't even know how to face you again. I've been a shitty partner to you over the last few months, and especially last night.

You came to me as my friend and I rudely pushed you away. Why did I even talk about those options? Am I gonna regret that?

No matter what I said last night, I want you in my life, okay? I need you in my life. I need my work partner, and maybe someday...not right now, but someday...I want you to be more. I can see that door opening for us eventually.

But not right now. I just need some time for myself, okay? I need to get my act together first.

Bones, please don't give up on me yet. Please give me a chance to recover. Please wait for me until I'm ready to be my best for you.

Booth

AN: As promised, Hannah is gone. This was the last letter for this sad period. Happy times are there again soon.

Have a nice weekend, stay safe and healthy.