Welcome! Everything is Fine.

Ryan Kelley skeptically eyed the words painted in green on the wall. He shifted his position on the couch, spreading his legs out a little farther. Manspreading his ex-wife had called it. Whatever. Screw her. Well...technically, he had already done that.

Welcome! Everything is Fine.

Was it though? Ryan narrowed his eyes. Those seemed exactly like the sort of words you say when things aren't fine. He drummed his fingers against his legs, trying to figure out how he had gotten there. The best he could come up with was that had gotten drunk again and his old high school buddies thought it would be funny to drop him off there to see if he could get home. It was almost a monthly ritual with them.

The place seemed like some sort of old people's place. Maybe that was the reason for the inspirational message. Ryan exhaled slowly. Welp, he'd had enough of this place. At least this time he hadn't stripped naked in his sleep. That had made for an interesting run-in with the locals. He chuckled remembering. Good times. Good times.

Ryan stood up and walked toward the door. His hand had just barely gripped the handle when behind him, a male voice said, "Ryan."

He winced. So close.

Following a sigh, Ryan forced a smile on his face and turned around. Yep. Definitely an old people's place. There was a sharply dressed elderly dude with white hair and glasses. Ryan had no idea who the guy was, but if the guy knew his name then he had likely met him at some point. He was just probably drunk at the time. This wasn't his first time in a situation like this and he was pretty sure it wouldn't be his last. His buddies were going to get an earful later.

Ryan chuckled and put on the charm like he usually did in this sort of situation. He walked toward the guy with his arms open for a hug. "Buddy! What's up?" Ryan laughed as he walked up to the man and threw his arms around him in a big bear hug. The man stood there unsure of how to respond as Ryan squeezed a little tighter, patting the man on the back before pulling away. "How've ya been, dude?"

The man straightened his askew tie. "I've been well, Ryan," the man answered.

"Good to hear, man. Good to hear," Ryan smiled as he shoved his hands in his pockets. "Good to see you too, but I really gotta jet…" Ryan nodded his head toward the door on the opposite wall.

The nicely dressed man sighed. "Ryan, why don't you come to my office for a minute first."

"You know, man, I would but…"

The older man placed his hand on Ryan's shoulder. "Ryan, this news is better taken sitting down."

Ryan looked over his shoulder. This didn't quite look like the place they had taken Grandma Yvonne to, but they could have remodeled since he had last seen her...like five years ago? And if he had ended up here, perhaps Grandma Yvonne had passed and left him a nice sum of money. Grandma Yvonne always did have a soft spot for him and last he knew, she was loaded.

"Okay, dude," Ryan agreed before he followed the guy inside his office.

Ryan sat down in a chair at the older man's insistence. He crossed his right foot over his left leg so that it looked like the number four before the other guy sat down. "So, what's up?" Ryan asked.

The man exhaled slowly, folding his hands on his desk. He glanced down at them before looking back up at Ryan. "There's no easy way to tell you this…" Michael started before Ryan interrupted.

"It's all good, dude. Grandma Yvonne lived a nice long life. I kinda figured that's what this would be about when you asked me in here."

The man stared blankly for a moment.

"So, how much did she leave me?" Ryan asked. "Pretty sure I forgot to pay my tab last night if you know what I mean." Ryan winked.

The man wasn't sure what Ryan meant. Instead, he sighed. "I'm afraid you're gravely mistaken," the other man said. His tone was deathly serious "Your grandmother isn't dead. You are, Ryan."

Ryan stared blankly at the man on the other side of the desk blinking slowly before he started laughing. "You almost had me for a minute there, man. Almost. Who put you up to this? Was it Will? It was Will, wasn't it? This totally seems like something Will would do. I'm gonna kick his ash the next time I see him." Ryan paused and looked at the man. "Did I just say ash? I meant ash."

Ryan's eyes widened.

"What the fork?"

His eyes widened even more.

"Why the fork can't I forking cuss?"

The man on the other side of the desk sighed again. "Why don't we try this again. Hi, my name is Michael and there is no easy way to tell you this. But your life on earth has ended and you are now in the next phase of your existence. Welcome to the Good Place."

Ryan was slow at processing Michael's words. He was dead? He shook his head. No. That wasn't possible. He looked down and examined himself. He was a fairly healthy dude in his thirties. He was good looking.

"I know this is a lot to take in…" Michael said from across the desk.

"Not really, because it's not true." Ryan folded his arms across his chest. "But I'll play your little game, Mikey and when this is done I'm going home and passing out on the couch after a beer or two, maybe even three or four. Whatever floats my boat."

"Ryan, you really are dead."

"Yeah? Then how did I die?" Ryan's tone was cocky, daring Michael to come up with something.

"Crossing the U.S. border."

Ryan scoffed. "Now I know you're lying. I've never been to that part of the country. I'm not a fan of deserts or Mexican food. Try again."

"The Canadian border, Ryan. You died trying to illegally cross the Canadian border."

Ryan threw his head back and laughed. "Like is that even possible? Who dies trying to get into Canada? "

"You did, Ryan. I didn't want to have to do this, but you've left me no choice." Michael sighed and then snapped his fingers.

As he leaned back in his chair, Ryan's eyes widened as it hit him like a freight train. "Whoa. Holy shirt, man. What the fork was that?'

"You died trying to save some drunk idiot. Earned you a lot of points, Ryan. Enough to get you into the Good Place."

Ryan arched an eyebrow. That wasn't quite how the memory had played out in his mind But that wouldn't be the first time his mind had played a trick on him while drunk. He shrugged and smiled. He sat forward and slapped his knees. "Now, c'mon, Mikey, tell me more about the Good Place. I'm assuming it's a good place, right?"

"The name gives it away, doesn't it?" Michael responded, leaning back in his chair.

"Just a little," Ryan said holding his thumb and index finger up spread only a short distance.

Michael laughed. "Well, the answer is yes. You've lived an extraordinary life, Ryan, and because of that, you got into the Good Place."

"Cool. Cool."

An awkward silence overcame the two of them. Ryan stared at Michael. Michael stared at Ryan. Ryan began to bounce his leg causing the chair he was sitting in to rattle. Michael inhaled slowly. Ryan nodded his head.

"So, now what?" Ryan asked, breaking the silence.

"How about a walk?" Michael said practically jumping out of his chair. "You were the last resident I was waiting on. I can show you the neighborhood on our way to the assembly."

"What kind of assembly is this?" Ryan asked skeptically.

"It's just a little welcome to the neighborhood thing."

"You know, that doesn't sound like my scene, man." Ryan leaned further back in his chair, stretching his legs out.

Michael smiled. "There'll be a movie."

Ryan mulled that over for a minute. "Will there be popcorn?"

Michael started at Ryan blankly. It appeared he was being serious. Michael's smile grew. "There can be."

Ryan shrugged his shoulders. "All right, dude." He stood up.

"Janet?" Michael called.

Bing!

Suddenly, a woman was standing in front of them.

"What the fork?" Ryan gasped. "Who are you?"

"Hi! I'm Janet!" the woman said, much too cheerfully, as she waved.

Ryan looked quizzically at Michael.

"This is Janet," Michael said.

"You know, I got that much, dude." Ryan scoffed with his arms folded across his chest.

"Janet is the information assistant here in the Good Place. You might say he is a walking database with all the knowledge of the universe. She can also retrieve whatever it is you need. Watch." Michael cleared his throat. "Janet, one bag of popcorn, please."

Bing!

A bag of popcorn immediately appeared in Janet's hand. "Here you are. One bag of popcorn," Janet said as she handed the bag to Michael.

Michael laughed and handed the bag over to Ryan. "Thanks, dude!" Ryan chuckled. He took a piece of popcorn and popped it in his mouth. He savored it for a moment.

"Janet one movie popcorn butter machine, please!" Ryan asked.

Bing!

A movie popcorn butter machine appeared on Michael's desk.

"Score! Thanks, Janet!" Ryan called as he ran the few steps over to the desk. He put his bag of popcorn under the nozzle and pressed the button. He moved the bag around and then stopped. Ryan looked over his shoulder at Michael. "Wait a minute. I'm dead. It's not gonna kill me. MIght as well. Bottoms up!" He started the butter again, putting more on than someone should be allowed.

"Ready?" Michael asked gesturing toward the door.

"You know what would go with this popcorn? A beer." Ryan then turned to Janet again, who was standing perfectly still with a large smile on her face. "Janet, Schell's Firebrick me."

Bing!

A Schell's Firebrick Vienna-Style Amber Lager appeared in Janet's hand and then she handed it to Ryan. He popped the can open and took a sip before looking at Michael. "Now, I'm ready." Ryan grinned.

"Good," Michael said with a smile.

Ryan paid no attention as Michael explained things to him as they walked. Seeing as both of his hands were full, Ryan stuck his face in the bag of popcorn with his mouth open and then closed it to eat the buttery goodness. He looked around at the buildings as he chewed. Many of them were froyo places. What the fork was froyo? He shrugged. He had the rest of eternity to find out.

By the time they got to the town square, only one seat remained, right in the front row, second from the end. Who leaves one spot second from the end? That was his move. Michael pointed for him to sit down, so he did. Ryan took a sip of beer before he set it beneath his chair. Then he used his free hand to pop a handful of popcorn in his mouth. Where was this movie supposed to play? He didn't see a screen.

Suddenly, a screen appeared out of thin air and the view even from his angle was surprisingly good. Not that he cared much for what was playing on the screen. It was Michael talking again. Blah. Blah. Blah. Although, the otters were rather cute if he was being honest. Ryan wondered if Janet could get him a pet otter.

Then the movie was over. The screen disappeared and Michael appeared on the stage. He told them to just mosy about the neighborhood until he found them. Michael would then direct them to their forever home. Ryan couldn't help but roll his eyes. This was beyond cheesy.

Ryan grabbed his beer and hoped to make a quick escape, but Michael called his name. "Fork," Ryan muttered under his breath. He forced a smile and turned to face Michael who was walking toward him with a cute gal in tow. Ryan took another sip of his beer.

Michael smiled. "Ryan, meet your soulmate, Genesis."

Author's Note: Just a reminder that I know Ryan is a scumbag. I don't condone his actions or thoughts. It just gives him room for growth in my story. But I do have to say that Ryan is fun to write. Haha. Thank you so much to those of you who have read my story.

A big thank you to my reviewers (Check their stuff out too):

FFN: BarbyChan4Ever, NatBBfan, RandomFandoming1, Nicole Beverly234, Randomestfandoms, marysuewhipple

WATTPAD: ohhittherekatie

AO3: EddyS