The Remnant Week in Review

This fanfiction is purely of fictitious origin and is written by someone with only a decent grasp on RWBY lore and marathoning of The Onion videos.

RWBY is owned by Rooster Teeth. The Onion is its own owner

The faculty of Beacon Academy discusses switching their initiation challenge from catapulting teens into forests, to the structurally safer labyrinth of unspeakable death.

Area woman Emerald Sustrei reveals her secrets to stealing rich people's fingers.

And scientist Arthur Watts wins the Noble Peace Award for best mustache.

By clicking on this link, you have accepted that you will bare witness to this spur of the moment fanfiction. This is the Remnant Week in Review.

Beacon Academy has switched their controversial "catapult potential students into a forest of deadly grimm monsters" initiation rite for the much more publicly popular "drop them into the endless labyrinth of the minotaur, Agnur the Disemboweler."

"After heavy discussion between the Beacon Academy Staff and its students, we have come to the agreement of dropping them into the labyrinth of an 80 feet tall demon minotaur with the desire to rip and tear the nubile flesh of young teenagers, instead of the previous rite of initiation." Says head of Beacon Academy, Headmaster Ozpin. "According to the focus group who offered to be dropped into the endless labyrinth of blood and death, they have found that surviving potential students tend to be more skilled and willing to practice teamwork, compared to the usual sad pieces of shit we obtained from the old rite."

"I think it's really effective." Says new student, Yang Xiao-Long. "I just feel like I'm a whole lot tougher from slogging through the dead bodies of previous students and battling the psychological horror of the fact that the Disemboweler could pop out from any corner. Plus, I got to punch a minotaur in the dick!"

A dangerous standoff between an army of highly trained huntsmen and a large group of Apathy Grimm enters its 6th week. According to local huntsmen expert and kickass axegun wielding Professor Peter Port, the reason behind this standoff is because no one feels like making the first move.

"The Apathy have the capability to induce a sense of uncontrollable laziness into humans with their roars, making them a very dangerous foe to face for any huntsmen. Why, I remember the time I had to wrestle a couple of them down while wearing my battle thong- "

An interview with the leading huntsmen, one Taiyang Xiao-Long has given us insight on the situation at hand.

"I mean, they haven't done anything yet, so, I dunno, I don't we should do anything until they make their first move." Says Taiyang Xiao-Long currently sipping a martini on his lawn chair along with his buddies.

An Apathy Grimm has been reached for comment on their opinion to this tense standoff.

"….Egh." Says Apathy Grimm.

In local news, area dog is reported to be a very good, Grimm slaughtering boy, and should be given plenty of tummy rubs by any passersby who come across this lovable pooch. Officials report how local good boy successfully slaughtered an entire army of Beowulfs single handedly by doing his very, very best. Onlookers described the event as "heart meltingly adorable," "absolutely precious," and "diabetes inducingly cute." Area dog, who despite his immense fame, lives a fairly secluded life in the front yard of the Xiao-Long household, could not be reached for comment.

And in our weekly magazine, a scourge to humanity responds to being called a sad bitch.

In other news, Beacon Academy headmaster reveals secret to sitting on a dick shaped chair.

Silver eyed girl realizes having silver eyes is in fact not a genetic deformity.

And a Sea Feilong Grimm is feeling pretty damn good about itself.

You never asked for this, and you will probably never ask again. See you never on the Remnant Week in Review.