A/N: warnings: past child abuse, mentions of sex and torture, but like nothing explicitquote from: "How we need another soul to cling to, another body to keep us warm. To rest and trust; to give your soul in confidence: I need this, I need someone to pour myself into." Sylvia Plath, The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath

He is one of the firsts, made before the stars and planets, made before all others but Amenadiel and Azreal. They are made in pairs and his other is Michael, his twin, his best friend, his other half.

Or he thinks so, and up until a point he loves his brother more than anything but his father. This is how it should be. Perfectly balanced, circle of love and fire and light and endless songs.

But soon father starts disappearing, making new things, day by day.

He asks them to help too, with forming an animal, placing an ocean. Making the stars is his task and soon his younger brothers start calling him lightbringer, and father is happy and everything is all right.

Or almost everything, because with every new star lit, every new flower in bloom, every life burning brighter, his mother starts feeling colder and her songs cutting sharper. And father leaves and leaves and sometimes he doesn't come back for ages and he just keeps making stars, trying to ignore the hollow feeling inside his grace that grows with every passing eternity.

He tries to focus on other things, to bond with Michael again, despite not talking to him for a very long time. They are not as close as they were, both of them too preoccupied with the task Father has given them.

His brother berates him for all the shapes and forms the stars have, because he didn't follow Father's instructions to the letter, because he tried something new; and he sees the quiet sort of desperation in his brother's eyes. The hope if they make everything perfect Father will come back more often.

He hopes for the same thing when he ignores His orders. That maybe his creativity will attract his attention.

It doesn't.

They are two side of the same coin, and no matter the differences they are still each other's, still loving one other and their Father with everything they have even if they choose a different path to walk on.

So while Samael tires to make Father happy with shining lights, Michael does it with harsh obedience.

Neither works.

(There is also something else growing in his grace beside stars, getting stronger and stronger with every new shape he makes.

Amenadiel says it's a soul bond.

And that only those with free will have them.)

It goes on like this for a long time, sky full of stars, mother filled with bitter rage, and his brother following rules. By the time He reappears with humanity in his hands he has grown used to the emptiness in his grace.

So when Father asks them to love humanity more than they love him, Samael can't.

Humanity is the reason He was away, why Mother's slowly losing her smile, why him and his twin argue. These tiny little creatures are responsible for the hollow feeling in his grace and he can't do this.

He tempts them, to prove a point; and he rebels to show him he isn't the only one thinking like this, and finally he casts his name away, because he can't bear it. Can't bear his Father uttering it in disgust, with anger so deep he fears he will smite him right there.

He doesn't, but he cats him out and mother stands there and does nothing as Michael banishes him. His twin always following his orders, even when it's hurting him.

He doesn't think they will ever recover from this choice.