An American's Guide to Harry Potter Fanfiction

Or, how to convince people you aren't a Yank.

For all that America and Britain share many common aspects of our history and culture, there are a few things we do that baffle each other, and many misconceptions about how each other behave.

During my extensive exploration of Harry Potter fanfiction, I have found myself becoming more adept at spotting when a story has been written by an American. In this brief guide, I hope to familiarise our cousins across the pond with the less well-known aspects of British culture, to give your fic a more authentic feel.

Tea

We all know Brits love tea. And we do. Even on hot summer days, if you visit a friend, you will inevitably be asked "Dyawanna brew?"

But what many Americans may not know, is how we take our tea.

Never, in the many places I have been offered a brew, has anyone suggested I take lemon.

No British person who wishes to keep their citizenship will request lemon with their tea. Ever.

Here is an extract of a conversation that will mimic, near enough word-for-word, every time a British person is offered tea by someone:

Person 1: Milk and sugar?

Person 2: Milk, no sugar, please.

That's it. A good three-quarters* of the British population take their tea with milk and no sugar. Occasionally someone will request a sugar (sometimes even two!) and we will glance at them, nonverbally conveying our intense judgement of such immaturity. Over your lifetime in Britain, you will be asked maybe a handful of times, for no milk.

This is a big deal.

If someone asks for no milk in their tea, you can expect pandemonium. Two raised eyebrows – two! – and a quiet, stuttering, "A-Are you sure, dear?" for we cannot believe someone would sully the nation's favourite drink in this way.

"Sweet tea", as it is known in the American south, does not exist. Don't insult me.

I've never been offered cream in my tea. Ever. A "cream tea" refers to tea served with scones, which are best served with jam and cream. For a touch of authenticity, have your characters debate whether it is cream then jam or jam then cream (this works best for your aristocrats.)

If you wish to credibly write a Harry Potter fanfiction, or any fic set in Britain, do not stoop to proclaim that your most British of characters take their tea black or with lemon. And if you must, be sure it produces appropriate outrage amongst his compatriots. Full-scale rioting counts as "appropriate outrage." So does pursing of the lips. We are an understated people.

*I have no evidence for this. I've just lived in Britain for two decades and offered many, many cups of tea.

Coffee

Although not as popular as tea, a good portion of this island is very fond of bean juice, and we are far less stringent about how it is taken than we are with our symbol of national pride. Milky or black, sugary or bitter, we don't really care.

But we still never put lemon in it.

Soft Drinks

We call them "soft drinks" or "fizzy drinks". Calling it "soda" or "pop" will immediately give you away as an American/other nationality.

Our favourite fizzy drinks include:

Coca-Cola (duh)

Pepsi (also duh)

Fizzy Vimto/Ribena (I don't know if you have this in America but it is a BIG DEAL over here)

Irn Bru (Scottish, loved up there, very Marmite south of the border.)

We don't put lemon in these either, for the record.

Alcoholic Drinks

First things first: underage drinking is the national sport. No parent refuses to give their kids alcohol under the age of eighteen. If you're writing an angsty Muggle AU, you better write them getting smashed with friends in a field when they're fifteen, because most British teenagers have been there. Or at least drunk beer in a pub. We drink a lot and we aren't as ashamed of it as we probably should be. In fact, we drink so much, you can take any word in our lexicon, ad the suffix -ed to it, and we'll assume you mean drunk.

Some examples:

Trolleyed

Hammered

Smashed

Pissed

Buggered (this word has many meanings but I would first and foremost translate it as "drunk," lacking any further context)

Bollocked

I'm sure you get the point.

Furthermore, in any Muggle AU, have people meet up in Wetherspoons. We love a good Spoons. Cheap food + cheap beer = cultural staple.

Depending on the nationality of your characters, they will drink the following:

Irish: Guiness. Did you really need to ask?

Scottish: You think the Scots drink beer? They're even more alcoholic than the English. Go hard or go home. Scotch whiskey. (Although there is a type of beer called Tenants which is affectionately referred to as "Vitamin T".)

Welsh: idk man some obscure country bumpkin ale. No-one cares about Wales.

England: Anything. We aren't fussy. (But in case you want a real answer we like cider and Carling. Even though both are awful. I don't understand my compatriots.)

TL;DR: British people drink underage. Your characters should too.

Regional Divides

I would give you a long, poncey explanation, but here's a meme I saw a few years ago that explains it better than I ever could:

The Scots hate the English

The Irish hate the English

The Welsh hate the English

The North English hate the South English.

The South English couldn't give a flying fuck.

There's lots of regional deprivation in the UK. London and the South make all the money (no, genuinely, they're the only regional that doesn't run a deficit, they literally fund the whole union), so naturally everyone hates them.

But not as much as we hate the French.

Education

There's a lot to cover in this section, but I'll start with a brief translation, from American to English.

Semester = Term

Janitor = caretaker

Closet = cupboard (although we have adopted the phrase "in the closet," unadulterated)

Finals = end-of-year exams (it's a mouthful, I know)

College = university (college in Britain refers to a 16-18 education centre as opposed to 18+)

The American and English (I specify English here because Scotland and Ireland do things differently, although I believe Wales do things the English way) education systems work very differently. For one thing, we don't "graduate," except from university. We don't receive a diploma, and "prom" was a fairly recent development in British schools.

Rather, school trains you for two sets of exams: GCSEs (OWLs in Harry Potter), at the age of sixteen, and the massively more important A-levels (NEWTs in HP). Once you've sat your A-levels/NEWTs, there is no more need to go to school.

I've read a few fics where super-overpowered Harry could tooooootally sit his NEWTs and pass in about third year, but he won't because he wants to "graduate" Hogwarts. This is a sure-fire way to show your lack of Britishness.

We don't get a grade in a class. We get end-of-term and end-of-year reports which mean sweet Fanny Adams. The only thing that matters to employers/higher education officials (and I do mean ONLY) is your A-levels/NEWTS, and to a much lesser extent, your GCSEs/OWLs.

We don't do GPAs, nor extra credit. Your school grade is almost entirely decided upon by end-of-year exams (at least as far as HP parallels are concerned). The idea of projects "contributing to your final grade" (or whatever it is you Yanks do) is completely foreign and I find it so confusing. Please, it's simple, it's just exams, that's all there is to it. Don't use big words like "credit" and "grade" okay? Okay.

Skipping years is not a thing. In Scotland, you can take your Highers/Advanced Highers at different points at school, so if the Hogwarts education system is based off that, you could have younger children taking the same class as older ones. However, nothing in the HP system suggests this to me. It seems to follow the English system very closely (almost like JKR went through the English education system). Exercise creative license if it advances the story but be aware it'll be very strange to a British reader and not true to canon (if you care about that sort of thing).

There are no university/college scholarships, at least not in the region to which Americans are accustom. Our student loan system works entirely differently. Some poorer students receive scholarships or bursaries but these generally won't exceed £5000 a year. This probably won't come up in a HP fic but if you're writing a British Muggle AU, we don't do "college funds", student loan isn't crippling, and our university system works entirely differently from America's system.

An American public school is referred to as a state school or academy. A public school in Britain refers to the oldest and most prestigious boarding schools (Eton, Harrow, Rugby, that league). That being said, most British people don't know this differentiation, but if you're striving for an authentic British voice …

Colloquialisms

We increasingly use colloquialisms from across the pond, but there are some aspects where we differentiate ourselves.

Ron Weasley's trademark "bloody hell" has a much more common and vulgar sister: "bloody fuck!" If you aren't averse to swearing, this is a more authentic British option.

"Sweet Fanny Adams" means "nothing at all". It's not very popular.

"Loo" means toilet, and yes we do use it. I went to Australia and no-one understood what I meant when I asked where the loo was. I was floored.

To "shag one's own arse" means to brag. It's probably my favourite colloquialism on this list.

"Cheese-eating surrender monkey" is our favourite insult for the French, although it's rarely used. I take back my previous comment: this is my favourite on the list.

"Jesus Christmas", "Christmas island" and "sugar" are our favourite PG swears. That being said, we're far more open about swearing than our transatlantic cousins. Any Brit who censors themselves is no true Brit.

To "take the piss" means to make fun of something. It doesn't mean to go for a wee. Made that mistake a while ago. Another common variation is "take the Mick". I don't know what Mick did to be immortalised in this way, but he must have been VERY annoying.

"Mobile phone," not "cell phone."

"Wanker" is common, but will start a fight.

Calling someone a "cunt" is the biggest insult we have … or your nickname for your best friend.

"Tin tin tin" means "it isn't in the tin," if you're from Yorkshire, Lancashire or Bolton (which is in Lancashire but it's a city so I'll give it its own label.)

Humour

Should always be understated. We don't do dramatics. We do passive aggressive sighs and eye rolls. Think Minerva McGonagall. I know she's Scottish, but she's so, so British.

Thus ends the first (and possibly only) instalment of An American's Guide to Harry Potter Fanfiction. This covers my most prominent gripes, but I may do another chapter if it turns out I forgot anything. Please review! Give me questions, the stupider the better—my eyes need a work out; I haven't rolled them in over three hours!