The Goth, the Witch and the Weeaboo

by Cypher DS

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A cozy, urban eatery like the Nutmeg Cafe was hardly the spot for trading ghost stories. To Lillian Aurawell, however, expectations were made to be defied. The twin-tailed goth made it her life's mission to confront everything wholesome and proper and to shove a middle finger up its ornery butt.

"-and then like, this Anton guy totally starts peeling off his face! Like it's a mask or something. And it like, totally comes off! And underneath? Like, he's this freaky lizard-demon monster from hell!"

Zoey Greene nodded calmly as she recorded Lillian's supernatural encounter into her research notebook. "And this creature, he kidnapped your fairy helper?"

"My love coach, totally! Like, Kyu was gonna help me score soooo much dick and then this ass-hat like, comes along and totally cockblocks my wing-woman! Like, seriously? Seriously?"

Zoey did her best to ignore her companion's two-word vocabulary. Fertility sprites. Capable of invisibility. Possible connection to my own supernatural assault? Slowly but surely, she could see the silken threads extending into glittering webs. Now if only that Lady_Sapphire blogger who'd posted about the fairy invaders would reply to her PMs, they'd have pay dirt!

"This information is invaluable, Lillian. I can't thank you enough for all you've shared." One step closer. One step closer to reaching the realm of the arcane!

Lillian's ambitions were far more mundane.

"Like, I'm just totally stoked someone finally, like, believes me 'n shit. Y'ever get that feeling you're like, the last sane person on the planet?"

Every. Single. Day.

"Well, Lillian, you don't have to worry anymore," smiled the girl in the canary-yellow corset, the purple, PVC mini-skirt and the spiked welding goggles. "I can assure you I am 100 percent woke and completely sane."

Then Zoey frowned, wiggling a finger under her blue dreadfalls to get at her ear. "What's that ringing sound?"

"Ringing sound?"

"... Never mind."

Zoey had notes to transcribe and she needed silence but Lillian pestered on, so desperate to be validated.

"So, we're seriously gonna do this, right? Like, start a cult to track down all these magical monsters 'n shit?"

"Not a cult, Lillian - a coven. A sisterhood of the mystic arts. Like our Wiccan foremothers, our coven will strip away the veil of the arcane until all truths lie exposed beneath us. We will spread open the world's mysteries and we will penetrate the very core of all that is magical and mysterious!"

"Mmh, fuuuck, Zoe! You get my nips sooo hard when you talk like that."

Zoey squinted. Very carefully, she gathered her papers back onto her half of the table, drawing a clear border line between her and the horny white girl.

Incapable of taking a hint, Lillian kept needling for her attention.

"Oh, I like, totally started putting those posters up around town. I even got a reply!"

"That's nice," Zoey nodded, too busy spreading star charts over her half of the table. Lillian tapped her purple fingernails against the sky map.

"Like, what's that?"

"Astrology charts." Zoey pulled out her compass and sextet. If Mars is scheduled at these coordinates...

"No shit, you do horoscopes too?"

Zoey rolled her eyes.

"First of all, they're astrological fortunes. Second, this isn't your grandmother's generic newspaper guessing game. I'm developing an algorithm that'll provide customized fortunes according to one's intersectionality."

"Inter-whatsit-whosit?"

Zoey's tools clinked onto the table. Seriously? Seriously?

"Intersectionality. It's a social science - a social truth - that that explains how our identities contribute to a system of oppression and discrimination."

"umm..."

Zoey sighed and switched to her prepared 'baby talk'.

"Look, Western society was built to cater to white, able-bodied, cis-het men. If you don't fit that bill, you get dog piled with discrimination, persecution and a lifetime of micro-aggressions."

"uhhh..."

"No shirt, no shlong, no service."

The lightbulb finally fucking clicked.

"Ohhh, so it's like, class perks in Dungeons 'n Dragons! Hey, this one time? I made an Elven necromancer and she had this bitchin' plus-4 to -"

Lillian caught herself mid-slip.

"It was my cousin Mikey's campaign, all right? Like, I only signed up 'cause he's totally hot."

Where do I even start...?

"Well, you're right in that it's all about class." To demonstrate, Zoey brought out her abacus and tilted the beads right and left. Have, have not. Have, have not. Then she stacked them to the right to establish her baseline.

"Your typical white male is maxed-out on privilege. They can say anything offensive, dress as they please; rob, pillage and rape without even a slap on the wrist."

"kaaay..."

"You, on the other hand are a female." Zoey slid one row to the left. Have not.

"However, you're also from white, European stock." Two rows stayed on 'have'.

"You're cis-gendered but you suffer a respiratory disability." One have, one not. Lillian seemed to be catching on.

"No shit, my inhaler? Oh hey, and I'm homeless!"

"Experiencing homelessness," Zoey corrected. Honestly, you'd think the schools these days would teach person-centric language. "But you're right, being kicked out by your parents reduced a ton of your privilege."

"That's right! My fuckin' mom totally gave me the boot! I'm 'too much to handle' or some shit."

Lillian took a finger and flicked a whole three rows to 'have not'. Now, Zoey thought, for the tricky part.

"As for your sexuality, you're ... what? Heterosexual? ... Bisexual?"

Lillian leveled a sensual smile as she leaned across the table.

"I'm black widow spider-sexual. If it wanders into my web, I'll tie it down, I'll crawl on top and I'll suck it off sooo good."

She was doing it again. Underneath the table, the toe of her boot was rubbing Zoey's shin. Zoey coughed and moved her legs away.

"Right, pansexual. Further privilege loss."

Lillian snatched up the abacus and analyzed the even spread of left and right.

"Huh, I did pretty good. What about you, Zoe?"

Zoey took back the abacus. The beads slammed hard left.

"Oh. That bad?"

"Worse than bad. Black, female, genderqueer, in for surgeries since I was twelve, liberal since I was fifteen, a cam girl dependent on the sex trade and a Wiccan." She did her best to keep stoic under the harsh truth. "The whole world is stacked against me."

"Girl, like ... whoa. Mind blown."

"Mm. That's why our work here is so important, Lillian. If we can make contact with the supernatural world, learn the ways of magic - learn a system outside the rules -"

Zoey spun her abacus upside-down.

"We can overturn the entire system."

"Fuck yeah! Magic missile right up your ass, old man!"

Well, she couldn't fault the white girl her enthusiasm.

"Man, Zoe, you're legit smart. You'd totally be a Ravenclaw prefect."

"Lillian, what did I tell you about mentioning the TERF queen?"

The goth girl rolled her eyes.

"We do not platform the trolls, I know. I know."

Some frustrated mutter about 'squibs' and 'buzzkills' passed her lips. Zoey didn't pay it any mind. The barista had finally arrived with their drinks.

"Order's up." Zoey rolled her eyes at the serving girl's blue dye job. Classic sad, cis-het girl - so desperate to stand out and get a man to pork her.

Zoey popped the lid off her cup as she fished out her herb pouches. A dash of thyme, a sprinkle of mugwort and her spiritual powers would be energized for the day. Instead, she came to a full stop.

A steaming, opaque liquid stared up at her. A steaming, cream-coloured liquid.

The ringing in her ears frothed into a static roar.

"Excuse me? What is this? Is this milk?"

"Huh?" If the question startled her, the barista was doubly surprised to see her customer practically lunging into her face. "Umm, you did ask for -"

"Do you drink from your mother's teat?"

"What?"

"Would you go up to a cow, crawl underneath its udder and sup its milk?"

"Oh my god, what is wrong with you?"

"Then by the all-mother, why would you serve me this defiled swill?"

Heads began turning. She had an audience. Perfect.

"Even a worker drone like you must know milk comes from female bovines - animals forced to endure an artificial pregnancy so their lifeblood can be harvested by a foreign species. You're not just serving me tea with milk - you're serving slavery and exploitation in its purest form! This is patriarchy in a paper cup!"

"Yeah, dicks in a cup!" Lillian echoed.

The bluenette blinked at the double-pronged assault.

"Umm... we have a health inspector's certificate behind the counter if you wanna -"

"Enough!"

Zoey took a deep breath.

"The little things, I can endure - forgetting my pronouns, denying me service when I take off my boots; telling me to 'quiet down, ma'am, there's children here' - but you just took this from 'micro-aggression' to fuckin' attempted murder, bitch! I'M LACTOSE INTOLERANT!"

With that, the spoiled cup slam-dunked onto the floor like a shrapnel bomb, splattering the barista's jeans and a good three or four nearby customers.

"Oh my god... Brody? Manager?"

"Just you wait," Zoey warned as she gathered her satchel of notebooks. "I'll bring down a curse upon this house of poison! You won't survive one more day of business!"

"Yeah! You bitches goin' down," Lillian chimed.

Zoey was already dictating the call-out tweet to her Agent-Z Twitter feed as she stormed out the door.

"Just ... survived... assassination attempt. White girl... put milk... in my tea. #LosetheLactose #BoycottNutmegCafe #SupportYourStreamer

Send! That would show them!

"Fuck you, bitch!" Lillian hollered into the shop, middle fingers blazing. "Go suck on a cow boob, you Rei Ayanami wannabe!"

Jogging to Zoey's side with her own unpaid drink in hand, Lillian shook her head.

"Holy fuck - school shooting, Nazi rallies; now this crap! Like, white people really are messed up!"

"Welcome to my life," Zoey growled.

Lillian gagged on her own drink. "What the fuck, she forgot my cream! And like, what's wrong with this coffee? What did she write down here? ... Chamomile tea?"

"Chamomile? Let me see that." Zoey squinted at the paper cup. "You ordered coffee, right?"

"Yeah. Two milks and a sugar like I alway-"

Another lightbulb clicked inside Lillian's dusty skull.

"Ohhh..."

"Huh..."

Both girls fell into a moment of silence.

"They like, totally deserved that, though."

"I know! I mean, the service there?"

"It sucked balls!"

"Preach it!"

Hearing a police siren, both girls walked a little more briskly. Because of the autumn cold, naturally.

Nine blocks and four overworked lungs later, Lillian made her offer.

"Hey, wanna get some grub? I know this bakery that tosses out the best day-olds evah!"

"Don't get me wrong," Zoey panted back, "I'm all for sustainability and urban foraging but I have a lecture in half an hour and I'm streaming at five."

Lillian had thankfully perfected the art of being like, totally unfazed and whatever.

"Oh. Yeah, that's cool. Guess I'll go charge my phone at the library, see if I can nab some quarters from the supermarket carts."

The street girl's itinerary made Zoey wince.

"You can hang out on campus," Zoey assured her. "Remember, if anyone asks why you're in the auditoriums -"

"- I'm just auditing the course, I know, mommm."

Zoey quirked her eyebrow.

"I mean ... got it. Hey, I can still crash at your dorm room when it gets dark, right?"

"We're coven sisters," Zoey assured her. "We stick together."

A rare, shared smile passed between the two girls.

"Oh, but security's starting to keep a closer eye on the visitor log so make sure you use the back alley entrance. The service door lock's been fixed but if you climb the garbage dumpster there's a loose window you can crawl through into the boiler room."

Zoey paused. "Wash your hands before you knock on my door, okay?"

"Gotcha! Hey, I'm wicked good with back door action, y'know."

"Uh huh..." Zoey scrambled frantically for a fresh topic. "Didn't you say our posters got a hit?"

"OMG, totally! I was like, checking the coven e-mail and this chick - or she sounds like a chick - totally said she had her own 'encounter with the supernatural' or whatever. She wants in harder than a dick on wet pussy."

"Did she leave contact info?"

"Yeah, said her name's Suki."

"Suki..." That sounded Asian. Thank the goddesses. If this project devolved into babysitting a gaggle of white stooges, she didn't know how long she'd last.

"Forward this 'Suki' our timetable; see when she's available for an interview."

"You got it, boss bitch!"

Zoey rolled her eyes. Well, at least she hasn't tried for an N-word pass...

Then a buzz from her phone - and a very specific ring tone - claimed Zoey's utmost attention. She scrabbled to unlock her communicator.

=It's ready.=

Zoey barely contained her squeal. "Lil, I have to go."

"Womyn's Center kicking out that faker?"

"Even better," Zoey smirked as she made a mad rush to find a free Wi-Fi spot.

Suki... she mused. Soon to be her latest acolyte in this quest to contact the magic realm.

What wonderful Asian representation you'll provide!

With the new Huniepop 2 gameplay trailer released, I've been hit with a burst of inspiration! I hope you enjoy this wacky ride with a very different trio of hunies! Remember, they're not weird - you're just too normal!