Acknowledgements: A Little More Heart is a story that I finished posting in 2016 and was followed by New Sunrise in 2017. It had very few, yet devoted fans. Almost all of them requested that I write a third story. Thus, this is a thank you to them for their support and encouragement, and would not have been written if not for their pleading.

Title: Igniting Sparks

Summary: The Cullen family members changed, even though Edward hadn't been present to be altered alongside them. Upon his return after the battle with the newborn army he was greeted as family, but his former role in the family no longer existed. Instead, Bella had a spot at their dining room table. Despite Edward and Bella's barely cordial relationship, the other Cullen members' were holding to their promise to Bella that they would make her a full Cullen when she was closer to 30-years-old. Truthfully, the ground under them all had shifted since Esme's vision in late 2005, and no one could say for sure what the future held, even Alice. (Third of a series following New Sunrise.)

Rating: T (The themes and struggles as well as a few scenes in this story are meant for older teens and adults, at least in my opinion.)

Disclaimer: I did not create the original characters found in this story, however the plot is entirely mine.

Prologue: A New Sunrise

Me, Bella Swan, receiving a letter from Esme at the start of the New Year seemed more unreal than the fact that they had existed in my life at all. It was such an innocuous thing that belonged in a supernatual world. Even more surreal was when they decided to move back. I desperately wanted to be selfless and tell her that I was fine, that I didn't need them to return to Forks, that I wasn't worth the trouble. But the words had stuck in my mouth. The simple truth was that the pain was too severe to utter the words my brain told me to say.

Part of the issue was that she had caught me at my weakest. By the time her letter had arrived even my zombie state was weary. The effort to fight everyday just to breathe made it impossible to keep my selfishness in check and had been unable to deny my desire to have them near me. What was also true, but I managed to not say, was that I needed them not for their presence, although it was appreciated, but because they brought relief to my otherwise unending torment. In that moment I understood for the first time when I had overheard Billy admit to Charlie that at times he would do anything to get rid of his pain, even visit Forks Memorial Hospital with Carlisle working there. Despite his admission, he had held to his convictions. I had not. By all accounts my inability to stop myself from using them like I used Jake made me weak, and a horrible person, but the hope of relief overrode it all.

The first day spent with Esme after her return had been a rollercoaster. It was good to have her near, however I hadn't expected the different kind of pain her presence brought me. Gratefully, it was a more bearable kind. And although me breaking down in her arms was beyond embarrassing, it felt cleansing. There was something about having cold arms around me, even if they weren't his that assured me. With her near it seemed only logical that one day he would return. He still wouldn't want me. I would never be more than the human he had once dated. However, as horrible of a person it made me, I had determined that even to have him near would be better than these past months. It was an appalling thought, as it pointed out my absolute dependency on his proximity to function, which was horribly unhealthy, I knew, but to my utter chagrin it was true nonetheless.

If my own desperation and humiliation in this regard was not enough, then there was the possibility that my presence would cause him mortification. Even though I desperately did not want to bring anything negative or even uncomfortable into his life, the pain I felt overrode even that. Despite my loathing of being this kind of woman, as it seemed opposite to the self-reliant independent person I had been in Phoenix, I instead banked on being as unremarkable to him as his departing words had conveyed, and that we could move on to being friends. It seemed like it would be the mature thing to do.

He was over a hundred and I had always been told that I was mature for my age, so it seemed the most likely way forward that assuaged my pain as much as possible without making him uneasy. In the worst-case scenario were he could not tolerate my presence in the least, if that were to happen, I would wish the Cullens goodbye and stay in touch with Alice and Esme over phone and email. Even that option caused me to twinge, so I hoped it wouldn't come to that. Nonetheless, it was clear to me that I would do even that if it was what he needed to be happy. They were his family, after all.

When Esme had caught the scent of another vampire as we had left the Seattle bookstore, I had been concerned for her. She was here by herself because of me. There was no one to protect her if she was attacked. If something happened to her, it would be my fault. I had to do something to help her, but didn't know what to do. So, until I came up with an idea I decided to follow her suggestions. Fortunately, with Alice's help over the phone we managed to leave Seattle untouched. The gratitude I felt towards Alice and how she had looked out for Esme was tremendous, and I was ashamed at how me being a danger magnet could have caused Esme to be harmed.

All my life I had been a burden, tripping through life, inconveniencing others or hurting them. I was such trouble, and brought such risk and pain into other people's lives. Whether it was Jake, Esme, or that one time Jasper spoke to me, they kept saying that I was worth it, but I couldn't agree.

As we travelled in the car back from Seattle, Esme told me about her past. I enjoyed it immensely and she talked about her relationship with Carlisle. It was nice to hear, but her stories cut into me deeply. The more she spoke, the more I realized the truth of his words in the forest. He came from such a different time, a different way of life. There was no way that I was what he wanted, what he had dreamed of. Even apart from our different natures, we weren't equal and could never be. I had known from the beginning that I had given my heart away to him, but clearly that made little difference in his world.

Hers was a story of building trust and deepening reliance upon one another. In using her description to evaluate his and my months together, it was suddenly crystal clear how he hadn't confided in me and shared himself with me like Carlisle did with her. He didn't need me like I had needed him. He was obsessed with my quiet mind and attracted to my blood, not to me, not to my character. How many times had he called me silly? How many times had he ignored my wishes or said that I was ridiculous? Obviously our relationship had been one sided, and although I didn't doubt that resisting my blood had entertained him for a season, our time spent had been nothing like what Esme and Carlisle shared. In fact, the more she spoke, the more I withdrew into my fuzzy space where I didn't have to feel, where it was safer, unable to handle these truths that threatened to tear my heart apart.

Later in the week, I became fully aware of my surroundings once more, finding myself to be in Jake's garage sitting in my usual spot. Watching him, I had vague memories of Esme and a golden-eyed non-Cullen vampire coming to visit me at work. The disadvantage of my zombie state was that I could not remember if Esme had introduced us or not and if I had humiliated myself at any point. Hopefully, I had behaved human enough to not warn Esme of my true state or cause her to be concerned for me.

As soon as my eyes focused on Jake he asked me, "What happened Bella?" clearly upset.

Shaking my head, I wasn't sure what to say.

"Spill," he nearly growled at me.

We still hadn't got a chance to really talk about him being a werewolf, but my ability to handle that conversation was doubtful.

"Esme came and took me to Seattle," I muttered into my legs unsure unwilling to utter the reality of what was going on with me.

"Esme?" he asked the accusation clear in his tone.

"She's nice, Jake," I told him defensively. "Calm down. She took me to a bookstore."

"You got into a car with a bloodsucker, drove three hours to Seattle to go book shopping, and then three hours back home?" he asked livid.

"Yes," I answered meekly. "I'm fine," I insisted. "Esme's nice."

He bore holes into me while muttering "she's nice" over and over under his breath like it was an expletive.

"She kept me safe from the nomad there," I threw at him angry at his insinuations and unwilling for him to think badly about Esme.

His mouth dropped open and his shaking increased.

I watched him carefully Esme's warning flaring in my mind. It had allowed me to see that although Jake would never mean to hurt me, accidents can and could happen, if Emily was any indication.

"Please can we talk about something else, Jake," I begged. "I don't think either of us can take this conversation."

He huffed, taking in deep breaths intended to calm himself, and said nothing.

"So," I asked slowly, deciding to risk the elephant in the room, as it seemed safer than talking about my life. "What's it like to be a werewolf?"

"Shapeshifter," he corrected with the corners of his lips twitching only the barest of shaking leftover.

Smiling at him, I acquiesced, "Shapeshifter."

He told me what it was like to be a part of the pack, how much he had missed his friends and how good it was to be part of the group again.

By the time he had answered my questions and talked about his altered life it was dark. It had actually been fun to hear him talk about his freaky new life.

"I should get back and cook dinner for Charlie," I let him know.

"Please Bella," he begged me as I got into my truck. "Don't let them break you again."

"Esme came back because she missed me and said that she was wrong to leave," I spit back at him slamming my door refusing to have him run her name through the mud.

He began shaking violently as he stepped back.

My eyes widened, but my anger overruled everything else as I drove away. In the rear view mirror a wolf as large as a horse appeared disappearing into the trees.

Hopefully he would believe me and leave the Cullens alone. The treaty was there, so I was slightly mollified, but the image of Jake attacking Esme in his wolf form resulting her her being torn to pieces. It was a horrible image that haunted me all the way home. Something happening to anyone on my accord was too much to bear.

I only worked a few hours the next day before heading over to La Push again, needing to fix things with Jake. After some apologising on both our parts, Jake took me over to Emily's. She and I had a wonderful time making food for the guys. It wasn't Esme's company or Alice's or even Angela's, but it was good nonetheless. That caused me to ponder how I was going to handle Alice, but put it out of my mind deciding that was a problem for another day.

Driving out of La Push, I watched some of the guys jump of a high cliff in the distance. It looked like they were enjoying themselves. Near home came the realisation that I had experienced a great time at Emily's and with the guys. They weren't the Cullens, but it was nice to be surrounded by a group of people who accepted me and included me. Esme was one thing, but I wasn't a fool to pin my hopes on her. They had left already once, dropping all communication. There wasn't anything keeping them here. They weren't by any means rooted to this space like the Quileutes. As he had pointed out, there were far more interesting things in the world than me.

The next day my shift ended later than expected, so it wasn't too surprising that when I got to Jake's he wasn't there. After considering going over to Emily's, I decided to not bother her. Instead, I walked over to First Beach to see if Jake was there. After about an hour and getting slightly chilled, it was clear that he wasn't coming soon. Walking back to his place and getting into my truck, the image of the cliffs came to mind. I was certain the view from the top of them would be incredible, so drove closer in order to attempt to find the place where the guys had jumped from. When my truck seemed like it couldn't get any nearer, I got out and went by foot.

It took me over thirty minutes, but eventually the trees cleared. Once near the edge, I sat down reflecting on everything that had happened since Esme's letter had appeared.

There was a part of me that desperately wanted to believe her, but my mind simply could not accept it, because the truth was that nothing much had changed. Sure she was here and the hole in my chest had closed some from her proximity and the hope that instilled in me, but how long would she stay? How long until she too decided that I wasn't meant to be a part of her world? It wasn't like they were planning on changing me and really keeping me.

From that first risk in Port Angeles with the motorcyclist, it was clear to me that my choices were either being miserable and zombie-like or living on the edge. The second was far riskier to my well-being, and was contrary to the promise he had forced out of me, but I preferred feeling alive with the rush and seeing his face, even if it was illusionary, than being a zombie. Jake helped; God knew he helped. He was my sun and there was no ability to imagine where I would be without him, but nothing, not even Jake or Esme, could fill the hole in my chest. Then, there was the possibility that Jake would imprint one day. Jake might be my best friend and my sun, but he couldn't be anything more.

The Cullens wouldn't change me. I wasn't dying; not to mention how upset Jake would be. He was off with his distractions. Jake was busy being a shapeshifter and defender of his tribe. And having Esme here helped, but nothing would ever be right again. I had given away my heart and could never get it back.

With these thoughts I stood planning on going back to my truck. Looking out into the ocean, the guy's yells of excitement and glee as they had jumped off the cliff bombarded me. I wanted to feel that. Just for one second I wanted to feel happy again, excited again, to have back what he had given me over the summer and then taken with him. I needed my fix, and since he wasn't here, I couldn't help but wonder if sloppy seconds might help just a tad. They had in the past. Taking a step closer to the edge, I began to seriously consider jumping. The risk was better than feeling dead. Did I have the nerve to do it?

Looking down once more, I saw a figure in the distance on the beach. I waved and they waved back with both hands as if trying to stop me from going over the edge, but it was too late. I was tired, bone tired, tired of trying to live for my Dad's sake, tired of using Jake to make myself feel anything, tired of needing Esme so desperately in order to have even the tiniest sliver of hope, tired of unrequited love. With that thought I ran and took a flying leap off the cliff.

The exhilaration lasted until the sound of waves hitting rocks filled my ears, even with his illusionary face and voice speaking to me. Then, suddenly like the moment in the ballet studio when it became clear that my mother was safe and my willingness to offer myself had been needless, I was fully and painfully aware of the fact that I did not want to die. Somehow the awareness hit me of my own self-destructive nature and how my Edward fix was even more harmful to myself than I had realized. It was like nails on the chalkboard forcing my mind into a tunnel like focus that jarred me and rearranged my thoughts. With absolute clarity that I had not experienced since knowing that I was irreconcilably in love with Edward, I asked the heavens that if Carlisle was right and God existed, that I might survive my own stupidity.

Then, as if in slow motion, I watched my body somehow in its last ditch effort to live point my toes breaking through the water without severe damage to myself. Inch by inch the water swallowed me whole until I took my last breath and was submerged. Even when I opened my eyes and used all my strength, a part of me knew that my fighting was a lost cause. The waves were too strong, and I was too weak. It was the story of my life since moving to Forks. I was too weak to hold onto him, too weak to hold onto his family and my best friend, too weak to reject Jake's advances outright. I was a weakling and a coward. A part of me decided that my imminent death was a manifestation of my weaknesses right before strong arms grabbed my midsection and pulled me towards the sky.

When we broke the water and I took my first breath tears fell. I cried for the cowardly part of me that I hated. I cried in the exuberant feeling of living and surviving. I cried, because in that moment there was no doubt that I was just like any junkie that teachers had warned us about and that I had seen on the streets while living in Phoenix. If possible, I would request to become a vampire, just so I could be in proximity to him.

Could I stand it in a hundred years or three hundred when he met the love of his life? Could I be his friend then? Truthfully, as much as it would hurt, and there was no doubt to me that it would hurt greatly, even that was better than the pain of not having him in my life at all. That was the deplorable depth of my addiction. That day in the meadow he had called me his personal brand of heroin. It seemed that he had it wrong. Instead, he was mine and my ability to hurt myself in order to get a fix was immense.

Certainly if I didn't shake this addiction, especially since the Cullens wouldn't ever offer to change me, I would be like the protagonist in that movie where the addict had destroyed their whole family. As strong arms held me and we moved towards the shore, I considered if leaving Forks and protecting everyone from my destructive nature would be for the best. The worst part was that even as a part of me thought leaving was the best idea for everyone concerned, my pull towards him, my need to have this gap in my chest closed prohibited it. Perhaps when I was stronger and had a better control over this need, it could be a consideration. Till then, I would simply have to figure out a way to overcome this compulsion. My mind was set, and although I suspected it would be easier said than done, I was relieved to have my deliberation complete.

At that moment my saviour and I arrived at First Beach.

"What were you thinking?" Jake roared at me. "You could have died!"

"You said you'd take me cliff diving," I reminded him meekly feeling the need to protect myself from the unspoken accusations.

Even if my truths were clear in my mind, I refused to have someone else see them. Standing up, I forced myself to ignore all the signs my body was giving me that it did not want to stand, or walk, or climb into my cab, or drive. Jake, naturally, climbed into my truck with me and kept ranting at me. I refused to allow him to believe that I was trying to kill myself. I hadn't been trying to die. I was trying to get a hit, to pull something into my body that would soothe my insides.

My awareness of my obsession, of how I'd probably moved past recreational use into the worst kind of addiction did nothing to change the craving. My belief had always been that my feelings were because he was a mythical creature. Since my chat with Esme's in the car, my mind couldn't help but wonder if perhaps it was more to do with the fact that there was something wrong with me. I was addicted to things that were bad for me. No wonder he didn't love me. No wonder he left me. I must have been such a pitiful excuse of a distraction, a boost to his ego that he could resist my blood and be near me. He was bound to get tired of me. I had always known that, but driving back to Charlie's with Jake upset at me, I couldn't stop myself from recognizing how much he must have had to endure to put up with me.

At one point Jake stiffened and muttered under his breath, no doubt catching the Cullens' scent, but I didn't want to fight with Jake anymore, so said nothing about it. Over the next few days my behaviour was all my mind mulled over, how I was endangering myself for a hallucination, how upset Jake had been, how he could have gotten hurt rescuing me, how I had caused the Cullens to uproot themselves and come back to Forks, thereby risking their nature being found out. My conclusion was that I didn't like the person I had become. I wanted to be stronger; I wanted to stop hurting others around me. Thursday I called Esme as promised. It always tickled me when my calls surprised her. She seemed so entirely human to me in these moments.

During the phone call and as the time passed until she arrived on Friday, as she had promised, with Alice, I tried to find a way to force myself to be strong enough to send her and the family away before they all got here. I couldn't. Even the thought of doing so hurt me immensely, so instead I used my newfound determination to be stronger in other ways, and held my ground with Alice, holding onto Esme's words for dear life that doing so would allow me to teach Alice important lessons. It wasn't anywhere close to the kind of person I wanted to be or the kind of person Esme seemed to imply that I could be, but it was a step in the right direction. Hopefully, one day I would be strong enough to say no to Jake and no to the Cullens. Ironically setting boundaries with Alice worked, and with Esme's help I had a good time with them in Vancouver, even though we spent a good amount of that time shopping.

School resumed and for more days than not I was aware of my surroundings rather than being zombie-like. Angela, Ben, Alice, and I usually sat together, causing me to be even more appreciative of Angela. As the days passed and Alice was there every cloudy one, I began to force myself to say his name. I would always love him. There was no doubt of that, but maybe one day I could be less obsessed. Maybe one day I would be strong enough to have a friendship with him like I witnessed between Alice and Rosalie, or Jasper and Emmett, or even Jasper and Rosalie, as that seemed more likely then sending them away completely, although perhaps, given enough time, even that would be possible.

A few weeks after Spring Break, I went out for coffee with Esme. It was mortifying, given my inability to hide my pain from her, and like our trip to Seattle, I ended up crying. At least Esme was a comforting presence. Unfortunately, at a certain point I withdrew into my mind and Esme ended up calling Carlisle. It was great to see Carlisle again, even if the circumstances were humiliating. Then, he told me that Victoria had built herself a coven of new vampires. It seemed like just about the time I decided to live, there was someone trying to kill me. Despite what Carlisle had to say, his inclusion of me and his transparency was a balm on the hole inside my chest. It dawned on me that my inability to say no to their returning, as a result of my weaknesses and selfishness, meant that the people of Forks and the Quileutes were safer. For some reason that seemed to assuage my mind and heart considerably.

As much as that awareness helped, what really assisted me was the dawning that Carlisle's treatment of me wasn't like him keeping me at arms length, keeping secrets, and refusing to confide in me. Carlisle even offered to consider giving me a vote. Voting didn't matter to me, not really, but what did matter was my voice being heard. I was so tired of being ignored and belittled, and the promise made to myself to become stronger came out again. Not surprisingly, Carlisle handled me well. By the time he left I felt more assured than ever, because no matter who was here, and how diplomatically the Cullens tried to be, it had always been clear to me that Carlisle got the last word.

While drinking coffee and chatting I learned that Esme was a force to be reckoned with in her own way. She challenged me and corrected me gently, while also insisting that she make me my own room in her house. She was mothering and motherly in a way that was foreign to me, but a part of me appreciated it nonetheless. I felt bad about her insistence of making me a room, since it was doubtful that I would ever be able to handle going to their house. Even if I was working at getting stronger, it was with baby steps, and that was a huge gigantic leap.

Once she dropped me off, my mind couldn't stop comparing Carlisle's and his treatment of me. Carlisle had taken care of me medically and made sure I was okay, but hadn't hover, and once I was better, let me take care of myself. Carlisle hadn't belittled me or told me how ridiculous I was being. Carlisle had considered my opinion and request, while also insisting that I think about some things as well. Analysing this interaction, I realized that his behaviours were not due to being a vampire, but because of him. He hadn't trusted me to live my life, he had treated me like I was made out of glass, and I had proved him right over these past months. He had left and I had broken. Clearly there was something wrong with me.

Esme and Carlisle had been apart and she hadn't broken, although no doubt she had missed her husband. Could that be me one day? Could I come to a place where I missed him, but his absence didn't break me? Perhaps I inadvertently sent out messages to him that I was easily breakable, apart from our species differences. Jake certainly seemed to have a similar complex at times. Did I want to be the damsel in distress that needed a prince on a while horse to save me? No, I decided. That was not the kind of girl I wanted to be. Before coming to Forks I had been an autonomous, responsible person, perfectly content in my own company with the occasional exciting bursts as a result of my mother's insistence. With even firmer determination than before, and even though unsure of how to do it, somehow I would find a way to get back to being that version of me.

The next weekend I spent time in La Push and enjoyed myself. However, with Carlisle's warning in my ears, I saw things differently. Jake was my sun and I owed him so much, but I was neither a Quiluete nor an imprint. Since the Cullens returning, Esme's encouragement, and my impending graduation, my plans had turned back towards the direction I had intended before arriving to Forks: going to college. Eventually the Quiluetes surrounding me, who had taken me in because of Jake, would become people I'd see occasionally upon my brief return visits. A part of me didn't want to lose my bonds with them, but given my desire to create a future for myself, Cullens or not, I began to see that our closeness was unlikely to last after high school graduation. For the first time, people in Phoenix saying that high school friends didn't last moved from an abstract concept to what would become a reality.

The ugly truth was that unless I stayed in Forks, the people in Forks would become a part of my past. It saddened me, and then there was the fact that as great as the Quileutes were, they simply did not heal me like the Cullens. The Quileute presence was a Band-Aid to a twelve stitch wound, whereas the Cullens presence was like four stitches, not enough to allow my heart to fully heal, but enough to make a difference. These awarenesses were sobering and sad, yet they were also empowering in a strange way, because they allowed me to have a sense of moving one step closer towards becoming the kind of woman I wanted to be.

Ironically, it didn't take Alice long to guilt me into coming over to their home. The reality was, even though I didn't feel ready, I couldn't let her down and have Esme's hard work go to waste. I didn't even want to consider how much money they had spent.

That first visit to their house was difficult, but assuring. In some ways it was even better than before. They included me and there was no protective boyfriend growling and hissing at the most minor of things. What did it say that I enjoyed them more without him? Disliking where that question took my mind, I brushed it aside. At the same time, the house was filled with memories of him, and being there without him was a form of torture.

In the moments where my grief and pining attempted to overpower me, I tried to imagine myself strong enough to withstand the memories and longing they carried. Luckily everyone helped me do so. That was until I saw the room that Esme had created. It was better than anything I could have imagined, and my heart clung to them. In that moment it was clear that no matter how strong I imagined myself to be, nothing would protect and keep me sane if they left again, and that I could never be strong enough to send them away.

The problem was that even without him I loved them. I had clung to Jake in their absence, but could see how doing so hurt him and the limitations of our friendship, whereas neither seemed to be the case with the Cullens. I had always known that they had been kind to me, and that Alice was my friend, but standing in the room, for the first time I felt fully accepted. My mind attempted to resist the implications, terrified that I would get hurt even more, but the joy of their gesture refused to allow me to be rational.

Like tearing off a Band-Aid, I decided that if they were going to leave, then it was better sooner than later. Collecting all of my courage, I exposed myself, explaining to them my rationale regarding why I wanted to be a part of their family, even as a pet. When I came down the next morning Carlisle told me that they had all agreed to offer me to be changed and get a vote, but they had stipulations. The conversation felt like they were dangling a carrot in front of a donkey. My greatest wish before they had left was being coupled with obstacles that were impossible to achieve.

The truth, which was hard to admit, even to myself, was that I didn't really trust them. Clearly, I wasn't enough to hold them or force them to keep their word. I was nothing but a weakling and the chance that they would decide to walk away from me seemed likely, like a pet a family couldn't take with them when they moved on. Thus, I drew the obvious conclusion that their actions were because they felt guilty about my state and condition as a result of them leaving. They were planning on nursing me back to health, ensuring that I wouldn't do anything like cliff jumping, forcing me to keep my promise to him, and then would leave. Their offer was nothing more than an incentive to make sure they got what they wanted, even though I had to admit that their suggestions would also do me some good. When everything seemed to point in the direction of my conclusions, and I could see no flaw in my assessment, without warning, Jasper confronted me and I fell apart.

It was like he saw into my soul and had spoken my greatest fears out loud. A part of me wanted to tear into him, and another part of me knew that he was right. I wasn't worthy of them. No matter which way I turned, there was pain. I just wanted to disappear and never return. I just wanted it to end, except no escape was visible.

When Carlisle brought up his disappointment in me with what happened in Phoenix, I felt horrible. From his point of view my actions seemed childish and naïve. No wonder Edward had no faith in me, and despite what Jasper had said, my conclusions seemed only fortified. Later as Carlisle and then Esme told me their stories, I felt overwhelmed, livid at how much Edward had hidden from me. Simultaneously, I was grateful at how much he had hidden from me. Had I known the truth their stories revealed, would I have been so enthusiastic to be changed? There was no way to know. They made their lives look easy, and I was beginning to see that it was not. I could see better why he might see himself as a monster, even if it wasn't true.

While working on my homework I began to see how hard it was for them to be around me. I had noticed that Esme had taken to not breathing when she held me. It seemed like I was bringing a lot of difficulty into their lives. For a split second I wondered if they would be better off without me, but then my epiphany from cliff jumping and then Jasper's scolding stopped it. I was just me, and didn't think that I was worth it, but they seemed to want me around for the time being, despite the challenges. Esme confirmed her desire for me to be with them, despite me giving her multiple opportunities to tell me that I wasn't worth it. Part of the thing was that I wanted to get back my autonomy and I couldn't do that by depending on them. It seemed like sometimes I was at war with myself. One part wanting to be a part of their unit, one part wanting to get back to the strong self-sufficient caretaker I used to be.

It was hard to concentrate on my homework when Rosalie, Emmett, Jasper, and Alice were doing recognizance in Seattle, but I managed to get it nearly complete. When they did get back, Rosalie ended up telling me her story. Edward had told me once that something similar to Port Angeles had happened to Rosalie. He couldn't have been more wrong. Rosalie was betrayed by her fiancé. What had almost happened in Port Angeles had nothing on Rosalie, and I began to see how Edward lied to me, even when he had spoken a version of the truth. What else had he lied to me about? What more had he hidden from me in the name of it being for my own good or respecting others' privacy?

In a daze I went home, my brain unable to comprehend what Rosalie had gone through and her relationship with Carlisle. He had wanted to save her, and she had hated him for it. Was that what Carlisle was concerned about when he had spoken about Edward's guilt? Did Carlisle feel guilty for Rosalie's hate? Did Carlisle feel guilty for Edward hating that he was a vampire? Was Carlisle afraid of me hating him as well, even though I was asking to be changed? And at a snap the sky became the ground, the ground became the sky, and nothing looked the same.

I had been successfully avoiding going over to the Cullens, trying to not think about all that I had learned, and drowning myself in my school work. It was successful for a little while, until Alice had a vision. Fortunately, my ignoring them didn't stop them from inviting me over to hear what Alice had seen. I was glad to be there, even though I didn't treat Esme well. Then, just like that, everything I had been certain of came crashing down upon me. What if I had been wrong? What if they truly meant their offer to make me into a Cullen in every way? It seemed impossible, and yet … After a few hours Esme sought me out and forced me to admit why I was upset. Against my will it all tumbled out, and Esme did a great job of listening. Ironically, Carlisle had been right. Talking had helped. It irritated me, but after three hundred years I supposed he probably knew a thing or two.

In the morning we talked some more. Carlisle and Esme seemed to read me so easily, and they pulled things out of me that I would have rathered never said. It left me feeling raw and exposed. To manage these feelings, I got Emmett to tell me his story. In many ways it reminded me of my relationship with Edward, only in his story the girl rescued the guy. The other part that was different was that Rosalie didn't hesitate to ask Carlisle to change Emmett. Perhaps that was because Emmett had been dying, and Rosalie couldn't stop that process. Either way, the end of his story had left me with a sour taste in my mouth.

It was becoming more and more clear to me that I would always be the bridesmaid and never the bride, because the person my heart had chosen to give itself away to didn't return my sentiments. It was a life of unrequited love, and yet a part of me knew that anything less than Edward would ever be enough. Jake was my sun, of that there was no doubt, and if the supernatural world had never graced us perhaps we could have made a future together, but Jake was supernaturally matched through imprinting to someone who was not me, while I had been fated to Edward. He wanted to consume my blood, while my love for him offered it willingly. It was pitiful and painful, and nothing less than the absolute horrible truth. In reality any substance addiction, from what I found out in my internet searching, had nothing on the self-destructive elements of how I loved Edward. It was an unhealthy sick kind of love, and yet it held onto me so surely that I had no escape.

Just as Alice had seen in her vision, Victoria arrived to Forks. Unfortunately, all of the planning didn't matter in the end, and Victoria got away. However, after following her to Seattle they returned with two newborns and were taking care of them. Even though I missed them, it meant that I went to Jake's more and did other stuff, which helped push all my mental considerations aside. Them taking in these strays confirmed that the Cullens were good-doers and only in Forks to see me well before leaving again. Yet, my heart didn't seem to care. As long as they were here, I would bask in their presence. The future pain I would inevitably experience was pushed aside for the lessening of the present pain that them still being here brought me.

After the first few days, I got to see Alice again and life seemed to go back to semi-normal, well as normal as my life in Forks got. Rarely did I get lost in my head or behave like a zombie. Even though it probably meant that the Cullens would leave sooner than later, I allowed myself the smallest sliver of hope in Esme's prodding and Carlisle's promise, and took steps to take care of myself, including sleeping and eating. Shockingly, I got into a number of colleges, which pleased my parents. It was nice to see them so delighted. It appeared like life was coming together for me in a way that hadn't seemed possible when the Cullens had left. Thus, I was immeasurably grateful that they had returned, even if they were not planning on keeping me in their life.

By the time that Bree and Diego, the two newborns they had taken in, left, my heart had grown to miss the Cullens to such a degree that upon arriving to the house the very first thing I did was find Esme and throw myself at her, unfortunately before remembering how hard she had said it was to be so near my heartbeat. Fortunately, she didn't seem to mind and just held me close. When we talked about colleges it was such a different conversation than I had experienced with either Renee or Charlie. It was so clear that my parents, as much as they loved me, did not know how to parent me, and so left me to my own devices. Esme, on the other hand, asked questions, made suggestions, and although I felt like she trusted me to make good decisions, was there as a guide. I had never known how much I had wanted that in my life until it was there and a little more of the hole in my chest began to close.

As she talked about Bree and Diego, and then I talked about Jake it dawned on me that somewhere between her letter and that moment I had gained a genuine relationship with her. She was no longer Edward's mother. She was Esme who seemed to care about me in her own right. It also began to dawn on me that perhaps she did actually see me as one of her own. My mother hadn't minded getting rid of me, but then Esme wasn't like my mother. In that moment the hope that they wouldn't leave me behind began to grow. Carlisle might have the last word, but certainly Esme, as his wife, would get some say. At the same time, she had admitted that he had overruled her in their vote to leave after my disastrous birthday party. We all played board games, and the next day they told me what had happened with Victoria. Even without a vote, I had ended up with what I wanted: a say, to be treated with dignity, to be included. It was the most wondrous feeling, and the hope that had grown deepened itself within me.

It was a testament to my blossoming hope and my feelings that when Jake kissed me against my permission it wasn't Renee I wanted or Charlie, it was Esme. I wanted a mother who would allow me to feel safe, who would comfort me. I had wanted those things so desperately with him. A small corner of my mind began to wonder if I hadn't been trying to get Edward to fill gaps left within me from my parents. Even though he was quite a bit older than me, and the thought repulsed me, I could not help but see the possibility.

As Carlisle took care of me physically and both he and Esme asked questions and became upset, the stark differences between Carlisle's reaction and Charlie's was shocking. Here gentle, compassionate Carlisle was more upset than my own father. Just about the time that I considered getting angry Esme pointed out the importance of respecting the boundaries of others, and I was washed in guilt. All the times that I had pushed against his boundaries flooded me. I was mortified by my own behaviour. Sure, Esme was probably right that I shouldn't have needed to resort to punching Jake, but I had done far worse to him than Jake had done to me. Forgiving Jake easily, I tried to consider and remember all the ways that I hadn't respected him and his no. It was a long list.

It was hard when Emmett got hurt, because I had to keep my distance. However, I didn't want to cause problems, and their stories allowed me to begin to understand how hard it was at times to resist my blood. I didn't want to die, first. But more importantly, I didn't want Emmett to do anything that he would regret later. That night I tried to stay awake for their phone call, but it never came. I fell asleep against my own wishes and Esme called in the morning. At the same time, I had promised to do my part for the family, so followed the instructions given to me.

With Carlisle's and Esme's words ringing in my head, I realized that trust went both ways. If I wanted them to trust me, then I needed to trust them. I didn't like being the one stuck at home, but like Alice had said, it was temporary. The next day Emmett was healed, and much of my worries about losing them faded. It wasn't that I hadn't trusted how durable they were, but seeing how Emmett looked like he had never even been hurt helped me a lot. That was when Jasper told me his history. It was truly the likes of a horror movie. The worst possible things that could be done he did or saw done. He had so little regard for others; it was as if he was telling me a story of someone else. It was a struggle to reconcile his story with the man I knew as Alice's husband.

Then at the end, he admitted that Edward and I had all the emotional indications of being a couple. Except, he wasn't here; he had told me that he didn't love me, and had left. Nothing made sense any more. It was like my head had been put in a washing machine. There was no answer, no solution, so I simply pushed it aside, focusing instead on the upcoming confrontation with Victoria.

It was great going to the training. Although someone was always by my side, so I felt like a burden, it was worth it to see what they could do. More importantly, I began to see that they honoured their word. They weren't flighty and unpredictable like my mom. They weren't distant and otherwise occupied like my dad. They said something and they did it. Esme said she wanted to make me a room and she rearranged the whole floor for me. They said they wanted to see me healthier and stronger, and were helping me get there. They gave me a role in the family and explained things to me. They listened to my fear and tried to solve the problem. It was strange, but wonderful and comforting all at the same time.

When Carlisle told me what role he wanted me to play in the upcoming battle I was livid. I didn't want to play possum. As we stared each other down, I knew that if he could have picked a safer route he would have. At the same time, since I had already begun to see him differently, it became clear that I had to trust that he was doing what was not just in my best interest, but in the whole family's. Sometimes that meant that I wouldn't get my way. This, I realised, was what being a Cullen was really about. It wasn't being vegetarian. It wasn't the respect for human life. It was trust. They trusted each other. Jasper expressing his irritation at me not trusting him in Phoenix meant that he cared. Each of them in their own way had shown me, since their return, that they genuinely cared about me. I didn't know what they saw in me or if it was a lie, but at some point I would be required to let go of my doubts and trust them, trust their decisions. I could rely on my own strength and be lonely, or trust them and gain a family. When put like that it wasn't that hard to allow Carlisle to drug me, even if I didn't like it.

When I woke up in a small shack with Victoria and a boy, presumably Riley, Victoria had cut me and had been drinking from me, while she called me a cow and claimed that she had killed the Cullens. Clearly the plan had not gone the way that they had wanted. So, a part of me was despondent with what she had said. However, another part of me told me that she was like James, someone who could not be trusted. I had seen Emmett heal. Alice could see the future. For better or worse, over these past months, they had earned my trust. Therefore, my decision had been made already; I was going to trust that they were fine and they would find me. Although telling myself that, didn't stop the tears from rolling down my face.

When the Cullens proved themselves and came into the space, the best part was the look on Victoria's face right before it happened. All of their plans had gone up in smoke. Nothing had gone how they had expected it, and yet they were still here rescuing me. Unfortunately, shortly after their arrival I passed out from the smell of my blood. The loss of blood probably didn't help either. Upon awakening I was in a hospital with Alice. She explained that the Volturi had come, and so she and Jasper had spirited me away with a false name. It was fun in a way to pretend to be someone that Jasper had created just in case. I was beginning to think that Jasper's 'just in case' options were more necessary and smarter than at first glance. And Jasper's admonishment for me not trusting him in Phoenix sat heavy with me.

"I'm sorry Jasper," I told him.

"For what?" he asked me.

"For Phoenix," I explained. "I didn't understand it then, and I can't say I completely get it now, but I get it better. I was wrong, and I am sorry."

Smiling ruefully he told me, "You're forgiven."

Relief coated my features and I focused on my gratitude and sincerity hoping he would understand the truth of my words.

Jasper never spoke of it again, but things were different between us after that. When we got back to Forks I got to see for myself that although there were some injuries, no one had died and my father had been left ignorant. Carlisle asked me to come see him at the hospital and explained to me that he had put a GPS tracker under my skin without my permission. It was hard to be upset with him about something that had saved my life. So, I forgave him easily, although my trust in him being my doctor was undermined. I wanted to trust him. I did, but it was like my body was unable to forgive his betrayal as easily as my heart had.

A few days later Esme took me out, checked up on me, and had me talk about what had happened with Carlisle. Then, she dropped a bombshell on me, telling me that Edward had returned, but that he was not well. In one statement I was elated and completely devastated. He was so close, but being kept from me. She insisted that their quarantine of him was for my safety and due to his poor health. I didn't want to imagine how Edward had become unwell, when vampires were unable to be sick.

To my great surprise Esme asked me to continue growing up. I didn't like the idea of getting older than Edward, but they had made valid points about the advantages I would have being older in human years when changed. Esme was a number of years older than Carlisle and their relationship was great, so I began to reconsider my insistence at being changed sooner than later. There were still moments when I doubted that they would honour their word, but was honouring my part in case they had been truthful.

Later that night mulling over everything, I realized that in addition to my hangups about me being physically older than Edward, I also was afraid of out growing him. I kept reminding myself that he didn't love me, and so all my fears about age and growing apart were unnecessary. Didn't stop me though.

Through the summer I spent time with Jake, enjoyed the snippets of time with my Dad, spent time with the Cullens, while Edward was locked in the basement, worked some at Newtons, and generally enjoyed the last summer before starting college. By the time I had settled into being a college student it was Thanksgiving. The whole journey Esme was my passenger, as the family refused to have me travel alone.

As a result of my setting limits on Alice with Esme's help, my relationship with Alice had grown into something that was wonderful. I allowed her to teach me a little about clothes and makeup, but she respected my limits. Slowly Rosalie and I were developing a friendship, mostly over her showing me how to take care of my truck. Emmett and I enjoyed each other's company as usual, and Jasper and I were getting to know each other as individuals. In fairness, though, I didn't spend much time with them overall. I wasn't sure exactly when I wanted to be changed, but, especially after my brush with Victoria, I wanted to enjoy my human years while they still existed. I made friends, not great friends or close friends, but hanging out friends with my classmates. I went out with people and even went to a few parties. I knew they was at the end of a phone or often in the trees looking out for me. Often when I could feel them near a smile would emerge, knowing that they cared about me and this was their way.

The quarter had just finished when Carlisle and Esme were visiting Bellingham and sat me down with everyone else in the room.

"Bella," Carlisle began, "Edward has completed all the things we requested of him. And as far as we can determine, he seems to be completely healed physically and mentally. As we talked about previously, for the last month we've been desensitize him to your scent and to your blood. In the last week he has done a exceedingly well. I now believe it safe for the two of you to be in proximity. However, at least for the time being, the two of you may not be alone. You need to be here in this common area with at least two other members of the family."

Blushing I quickly realized that meant that our conversations would not even have the illusion of being private. "Sure, Carlisle," I told him, "I trust your judgement."

"Thank you, Bella," he replied with a sad smile. "That means a lot to me."

Nodding at him, I smiled back genuinely.

He really did care.

"Would you be up to visiting with Edward tonight?" he asked.

Taken by surprise, I tried to think about it, but irrelevant of anything rational, what was most forceful was my craving to be in his presence.

It had taken a while, but eventually Esme got to tell me her imaginings that caused her to write to me, and then how her life had really gone. It hadn't taken long into her stories for me to realise that she and Carlisle were not obsessed about the other like Edward and I. They were separate beings that worked as a team and supported one another. Through her stories I grew to see Edward and my relationship as juvenile and shallow. We were both obsessed with the other. Him for my blood, and me due to my attraction to him. We spoke about loving each other, but it was a tragic love like Romeo and Juliet. My heart had given itself away to Edward, and like my father my heart was loyal, but with the lessons I had learned since the Cullens had returned, our relationship no longer looked like a romantic movie. Instead, it looked like a teeny-bopper fairytale. I didn't need a white knight to rescue me at the expense of my freedom. I didn't need an over protective boyfriend who tried to keep me away from his own family. For better or worse, I wanted what Carlisle and Esme had, or even Jasper and Alice or Emmett and Rosalie. I wanted equality and respect. And I had learned from these past months that having that kind of relationship with Edward would start with me.

Esme's words rang in my head as Carlisle had spoken reminding me that what Edward and I needed the most was for me to do what was right by me, for me to continue to mature, and for me to expect him to do the same. With that in mind, I examined myself.

Unable to say no, but also wanting to be a healthier version of me, I turned to Carlisle and told him, "Yes, I am up to that. How about we play a game as a family?"

Esme smiled proudly at me while Carlisle said, "That sounds wise, Bella."

Emmett went and unlocked the basement door and then shadowed Edward menacingly.

"Hello, Bella," Edward said looking towards me, but avoiding my gaze.

"Hello, Edward," I uttered timidly. "Want to play Pictionary with us?" I asked.

He looked around at his family as if he was lost. Then, his shoulders slumped.

Surely Carlisle was giving him a mental talking to.

Finally, in a much longer span of time than expected, he answered, "Sure, I would be glad to join you."

"Great," I answered tersely.

Alice saw my decision to sit by her, so arranged things so that she was on my right with Rosalie on my left. Emmett was next to Rosalie and then Edward. On Edward's left was Carlisle, then Esme, and then Jasper. We had great fun, next playing Resistance. By the third round I was tired excusing myself to bed.

Edward stood up as if to accompany me to my room. Emmett, Rosalie, and Jasper glared at him and Emmett put his hand on his shoulder. After a moment of indecision, Edward said, "Goodnight, Bella."

"Goodnight everyone," I uttered as I walked up the stairs, knowing that they all would hear me.

When not working at the coffee shop, whoever was in the house and I would play something including cards or video games. If there were more than two others home and I agreed, Edward would join us.

It was a few days before Christmas, so packing up to head to Forks. The whole family was going to make it appear like all of us "kids" were returning home for the holidays. This included Edward.

It was so hard to be close to Edward without reaching out to him, without touching him, but even his proximity had helped heal me, and so I was grateful for what he was willing to offer me. He might be my drug of choice and being near him might be like an alcoholic in a bar, but I was unwilling to risk losing my new inner strength, so worked hard at being polite, while also being firm about my boundaries.

Alice came to me while I was packing. "Edward requested that you travel with him in the Volvo."

"Nope," I told her without hesitation. "I'm driving my truck." Looking at her, I smiled noticing that she had left my door open, allowing my words to carry easily to Edward, even if he wasn't seeing me through Alice's eyes.

She smiled back a secret communication passing between us. "I figured you'd say that, but I was just checking."

After a moment of contemplation I told her, "Hey, if he can convince whoever was planning on riding with me to give up their seat, and he wants to allow someone else to drive his baby, the more power to him." Then, I smiled widely at her watching Alice check her visions.

"You are a dangerous creature, Bella Swan," she told me clearly impressed.

"I learned from the best," I told her.

"Victoria?" she teased.

"Victoria," I confirmed before we both ended up in a fit of giggles.

Not surprising Edward didn't sit next to me during the drive to Forks, although Jasper did for a few hours. No doubt Alice had seen my wish to talk with him and had worked it out.

After a hundred miles or so had passed under my tires, I asked him, "Do you still see the indicators that you told me about before?"

With a sly grin he told me, "Yes."

Sighing sadly, I admitted, "I don't understand."

After some contemplation, he told me, "Give it time."

Trusting him, I let it go, and we talked about other things.

Christmas with Charlie was great. It was good to see the pack. And spending time with the Cullens, Edward included, was enjoyable. It was the evening of Christmas with Carlisle and Esme in the room when Edward approached me slowly.

"I wanted to return something to you, Bella," he told me sincerely. "I should have never taken them from you in the first place," he admitted solemnly. "I am sorry for my deplorable actions."

Looking up from my book that Jasper had gifted me, I gingerly took the large envelope that Edward had handed me. After it was in my possession, he put his hands in his pockets standing very much like how I imagined he would have during his era.

Opening it carefully, ensuring there were no paper cuts, I dropped the contents onto my lap. Once the contents became recognisable, tears began to flow.

"Where?" I started to ask, but was unable to finish the question.

He looked down at his feet as if embarrassed. "I hid them in your bedroom in Charlie's house under the floorboards. It was childish of me. I am sorry."

Flummoxed I wiped my eyes and stared down at the photos and CDs along with the tickets from Carlisle and Esme the evidence of my eighteenth birthday. After many long minutes, I took some deep breaths and looked up at Edward. He was right; it had been childish, but my behaviours had been childish also. It made it easy to let the anger and hurt pass.

"Thank you for returning them. I appreciate it."

He took a deep breath and looked up at me. "I owe you the greatest of apologies, Bella."

Raising an eyebrow at his tone, I stopped him. "Certainly you've seen this conversation, as I had it with the rest of your family. I will tell you what I told them. No more apologies. I'm good. I just don't want things to be awkward between us. Your family loves you. They want you here with them. I don't want you to feel like the outsider."

He seemed to be listening to someone's thoughts before responding, "If there is any awkwardness, it is of my own doing not your presence, Bella." Then, his features fell. "I should have been here to protect you." He started growling lowly.

I put up my hand. "Stop, Edward. There is no shoulds. You were doing whatever it was that you were doing. Your family took care of it. I'm here. It all turned out okay."

His growling increased in volume, "But she got you, and violated you."

"Edward," I heard Carlisle warning, which probably meant he had warned him mentally multiple times.

Taking a deep breath, I looked him in the eye. "Here's the thing Edward. You're not God. And when you chose to leave, you also chose to leave my future to the fates. I told you before that without your presence in Forks I would have ended up in the cemetery. That didn't change by your leaving. You had your reasons, and I respect that. You didn't want to continue with something that wasn't true for you. I can respect that."

He went to interrupt, but I held up my hand again.

"No, Edward," I told him firmly. "Thank you for returning my belongings. I don't want to argue and I don't need apologies. We're family, and I just want to get along." To my eyes it seemed like he had winced at the word family, as I had internally.

After a moment he replied, "How about friends?"

Smiling widely I agreed, "I would really like that Edward."

He reached out his hand as if to shake mine.

I took his and we shook on it us both uttering, "Friends," while the spark that I always had felt with Edward and I touching spread through my body.

Afterwards and with great difficultly, I went back to my book, while he sat at the piano and played music. Being friends wasn't what my heart wanted, yet it seemed like it was the best I could get.

I wasn't sure how he managed it, but he rode with me most of the way back after the New Year allowing Rosalie to drive the Volvo. We talked about music and my classes, as well as my job and the people I met thus far.

"Know what you're doing next quarter?" I asked him.

"If you're comfortable, I would like to attend college with the rest of you," he told me.

I waved my hand like he was being ridiculous. "It's a free country." After a moment I added, "But the stipulations I put in place for your siblings apply to you as well if you attend."

"Stipulation?" he asked clearly taken aback.

"Yup," I confirmed. "No taking classes with me. No walking with me between classes. No following me around. No coming to where I work. If you're at college to genuinely study, then you do your thing and I'll do mine, and sometimes we can see each other at home, if I'm there."

He stopped breathing and looked like I had slapped him. His reaction was odd, given our agreement to be friends. A small part of my heart hoped that meant that Jasper was right, but I quickly pushed that aside.

"Reluctantly I will agree," he told me after a few minutes.

"And, given your gift, no reacting to others thoughts and going off half-cocked. If Alice can learn to not use her gift when it comes to me, then you can too," I told him.

His mouth dropped open and he appeared like I had told him that the tooth fairy was real. "But …" he stuttered.

Holding back my giggles at Edward stuttering, I reiterated, "We're all appearing to be normal human beings that share college housing together. No gifts, no having unfair advantages."

"I'll do my best," he told me through a clenched jaw.

"I have the utmost faith in you," I told him patting his arm before I put my hand back on the steering wheel.

Annoyingly that electric current that flowed within me whenever I touched him was there once more. When would my body get the message I didn't know, but eventually it would give up, I hoped.

As the quarter started I doubted Edward would keep his word, so I mentioned what he had promised to everyone else, and made them promise to keep him in line. They all smiled like I had made their day. True to their word, they made sure Edward kept to my stipulations. A few times I had seen him striding across campus only to have someone else, usually Jasper or Emmett stop him. Each time I would smile to myself and then make sure to thank them later. Whether Edward liked how I was going about it or not, I was living my human life, just like he had said that he wanted.

Unfortunately, Carlisle and Esme had been right. As the second quarter turned into the third I found myself more centred, more knowledgeable about who I was, stronger, more able to stand up for myself, and growing into myself. As I did, Edward's behaviour seemed more and more immature. I still loved him deeply, but much of our past no longer looked attractive to me. I was taking Esme's advice and becoming the woman I believed that I wanted to be. I could only hope that Edward would do the same. I wouldn't want to be a spoiled teenager all of eternity, and I secretly hoped that he would grow up with me, for his own sake and for the sake of the family. The smallest deepest parts of myself, I acknowledged that otherwise, there was a chance that we would outgrow each other, even as friends, and more than anything, I really didn't want that.

A/N: I am well aware that this chapter is longer than my usual, but I simply didn't want Bella's pov of A New Sunrise to venture into two chapters.

I await your thoughts while I bite my nails in anticipation.