I don't own the Type-Moon Franchise obviously, nor do I own any of the characters nor care about owning any OC's that I probably won't bother fleshing out if I do create them as this is a piece of fanfiction Yadda, Yadda, etcetera.

"What's your honest opinion about sleeping and dreams in general?"

If someone had asked me such a question I would've declined to respond, if only because honesty demanded that I answer with sharp disgust that it was an awful necessity, a task that wasted nearly half of my life away, using time that I could've spent on something far more productive or enjoyable. Instead that time was relegated to maintaining a steadily failing shell using a process that left the sad excuse I called a body vulnerable and helpless.

I wasn't any different from the rest of humanity in this regard as I had to endure this testament to my inherently flawed biology every single day. My distaste was to the point that if someone had offered me a way to remove the need for sleep without repercussion, I would have taken it within a heartbeat.

Or, that would've been my former stance on the issue. Since right now, I would very much love to feel the sweet embrace of Morpheus. If only to escape my current predicament.

I tended to love waking up and experiencing a brand-new day, but before I could even open my eyes, pain assaulted my very being. It wasn't just a single place, no, quite literally everything hurt. My body felt like one giant bruise, my insides boiled as if I had swallowed molten magma while a jagged blizzard howled within my veins, every single move I made caused near endless agony.

This certainly wasn't what I expected when I woke up, I was surprised I was even coherent let alone not screaming bloody murder at the top of my lungs, in fact I wasn't making a single sound.

It wasn't a big deal. I was used to this much…

I lazily blinked my aching eyes open at that thought, I was used to this? Since when?

Actually who am I again?

Despite the pain and exhaustion I hastily picked myself up from the frigid ground in a clumsy fashion, ignoring the searing pain that assaulted my nerves with an ease that was unnerving.

As I nervously looked around the first thing that I noticed was that I was surrounded by a snowy forest, but that wasn't what truly caught my attention. No, what made my unfamiliar surroundings completely irrelevant was a stony behemoth of a man, if he could even be called a man, towering right over me!

The next thing that registered at the back of my mind was that he was smeared with gore, no doubt from killing something recently. There wasn't a single doubt in my mind that this thing could break me like a twig with his pinky finger. This unfamiliar and threatening monster should've engaged my fight or flight instincts into overdrive at first sight, yet…

All I could feel was a deep sense of comfort and safety from his presence, instead of the sheer terror that should usually accompany waking up next to an intimidating figure who practically oozed bloodlust.

That should be expected, he was my Servant after all, Berserker would protect me.

Servant, Berserker…

My eyes lit up in recognition, this was Heracles the Servant of Illyasviel Von Einzbern during the Fifth Holy Grail War, a powerful demigod out of Greek myth that put most of the other competitors in the Fifth War to shame.

Wait a minute, he was my Servant?

It took me a minute to realize the implications, admittedly I wasn't in the best head space at the moment.

Quickly I moved to grasp my hair, only to see long snowy white locks, a unique characteristic of Einzbern homunculi, including one Illyasviel Von Einzbern. I wasn't stupid nor slow, I could put two and two together, I was probably Illya, the homunculus daughter of Kiritsugu Emiya and Irisviel Von Einzbern.

It was that conclusion that opened the floodgates, as years of memories assailed my mind with all the subtlety of an angry Berserker. No wonder I was used to the pain, I'd been enduring this for nearly a whole month now!

That's not even mentioning all those times I was cut up for surgeries to further increase my already stellar capacity as a Master, all under the orders of a single man, or should I say golem?

Old man Acht was a LIAR!

My eyes narrowed in fury as I recalled Jubstacheit claiming that papa had abandoned me, but Kiritsugu did come for me! It was only that old codger who kept him away! It was well within the Einzbern patriarch's abilities to keep him away, considering he was the intelligence behind the Einzbern castle itself.

Wait… Papa? Since when did I ever recognize a fictional character as my father?

No, Since when was Kiritsugu a fictional character!?

I clutched my head as two sets of conflicting memories warred in my head each battling for dominance. It was enough to cause a blistering headache, but the pain was secondary to the confusion that began to plague my thoughts.

I could clearly remember watching Fate/Stay Night, a series that covered the events of the fourth and fifth Grail Wars for entertainment, hell I even remember enjoying learning about its alternate timelines such as Apocrypha and Strange Fake. The Holy Grail War was a piece of fiction set within the Type-Moon franchise created by one Kinoko Nasu.

Yet at the same time I could also remember being prepared my whole life to win said Grail War, besides how could the War be fake, when there was proof that the ritual existed right in front of me!?

I take a quick glance at Heracles to confirm that yes, he was standing right there. I would've probably also tried pinching my cheeks if I wasn't already trapped within a purgatory of pain, disproving the whole dream theory right off the bat.

This was reality, Servants were real, the Holy Grail War was real, but if that was the case then what about the memories claiming the Grail Wars were pure fiction? Didn't that mean that my memories of watching the Fate series were the fake ones?

It was possible…

A mage of significant prowess could pull such a stunt off, mental interference was common in the Moonlit world and easy to accomplish. However that was only the case for mundane civilians, hypnotizing another magus and messing with their memories was a whole different beast entirely.

The amount of magi capable of accomplishing this on me of all people was sparse to say the least and that wasn't even taking into account said magi would have to pull such a difficult task right under Berserker's nose!

Still it wasn't totally impossible for a Magus to do a poor job, like the one I apparently subject to, but what was the point of giving me these specific false memories though? You would think the perpetrator would at least try to erase my previous self before trying to supplant me with a fake persona, this was such an amateur mistake.

Wait, what if both sets of my memories were fake?

No… even if that was the case I couldn't get caught up in self-doubt, all that served to do was cripple myself.

For now I was Illyasviel Von Einzbern, I could recite everything that's ever happened to her at the hands of my so-called family but try as I might I couldn't even put a name to the other set of memories. I could remember nearly everything about that life including minor trivia such as my classmates from first grade, but my name and other personal details were suspiciously blank.

Well there was always the possibility that my memories weren't rewritten, and I just cracked under the pressure, all to come up with an excuse for why Kiritsugu failed me…

No! Even considering all the pain I was experiencing I felt perfectly rational and of sound mind.

That's exactly what a crazy person would say...

The possibility that I could be mentally unstable was abhorrent, but not something I could readily disprove at the moment.

I, I needed to confirm if these memories were real along with researching a question that I was determined to answer, it was akin to hitting two birds with one stone.

My father Kiritsugu had won the fourth Holy Grail War, but just as the miracle was within his reach the Magus Killer turned it down. Instead choosing to abandon me in favor of some random orphan he picked up off the streets, at least that was the Truth as Illya knew it.

At the same time my other memories claimed that the Magus Slayer didn't turn the Grail down for no reason, but because it was corrupted by the Avenger Servant from the previous Grail War, Angra Mainyu.

That was the key to all of this, if I could find evidence for Angra Mainyu being the Einzbern's Servant during the third Holy Grail War, I could prove whether or not these memories were true…

Actually on further thought that wouldn't be nearly enough, but it was a good first step.

It wasn't going to be easy since according what I could remember there was only around a month before the Fifth Grail War started in earnest and I was scheduled to leave for Fuyuki a week before the War began.

That only left me around three weeks to prepare. Still I was confident I could be as bold as I wanted, Acht wasn't going to discard me this late in the game unless I pulled out of the Grail War full stop.

I paused to consider the thought, running away wasn't entirely without merit. The Holy Grail War was a glorified death trap with no true reward for participating except for of course a grisly demise. Unfortunately there would be grave consequences if I avoided going to Fuyuki, world ending consequences.

Angra Mainyu…

Even if a miracle occurred and everything worked out in Fuyuki, running away wouldn't even accomplish much considering I had a year maybe two at most left to live.

Why was I so accepting of that?

A measly year, what a joke! Except it wasn't funny in the slightest. I wanted to live, I wanted to thrive!

Illya was well past the point of caring about her remaining lifespan, competing in the Grail war was her whole purpose for existing, as the best Master the Einzbern's could manufacture. But I wanted to live as long as possible, definitely not a single year.

I, was I not Illyasviel? I was disoriented to the point I wasn't even sure if the Einzberns even existed! Everything I knew was subject to suspect, my mind was a mess.

I stared at nothing in particular while my thoughts started racing a mile a minute, trying to comprehend who exactly I was.

Well, I certainly wasn't the person whose name I couldn't even remember and I had obviously different priorities than the original Illyasviel.

The more I thought about it the more I realized that while I was no longer either of them, they still made me who I am. In essence I'm some odd amalgamation between the homunculus daughter of Kiritsugu and the nameless individual whose memories believed this reality was completely fictional.

At first it would've been obvious who should've influenced who me more, between the full identity of Illya and some fragmented persona that denied the reality in front of them. There was just one small problem though, Illyasviel seemed to lack any desire except for revenge upon Shirou, yet even that motivation was weak to the point that trading her life for his after only knowing him for a few days in the Heaven's Feel route started to make more sense.

No wonder Gilgamesh called her a meat doll, I was so empty.

Right now though I was overflowing with selfish desires, I craved power, I desired entertainment, I aimed for immortality, I JUST WANTED MORE!

Instead of a hollow desire for revenge like the original Illya, I wanted so much more from life. I couldn't care less about killing my brother, even if Kiritsugu did abandon me because of Shirou. There were so many other things that were far more important to me then that petty goal, like not dying for instance.

In fact considering how much of a sucker Shirou Emiya was, it wouldn't be hard to make him bend over backwards to help me, a vicious smile graced my lips at that thought.

…It seems I still had a bit of a mean streak concerning my brother, if he even existed.

I shook my head to dismiss that tangent. Before I start planning for variables that could very well be figments of my imagination, I needed to first confirm that ANY of my memories were real, Hell I could be in Tamriel or Middle Earth for all I knew.

Baby steps Illya.

The first thing I needed to do was find the Einzberns to determine if they actually existed, then find out whether Angra Mainyu was the Einzbern's servant during the Third Holy Grail War or not. Once I finished with that then I could start planning out how to survive the clusterfuck that was the Fifth Holy Grail War.

Taking a deep breathe to collect myself I looked towards Heracles. Despite his madness the Berserker Servant somehow understood my desire and scooped me up, placing me on top of his broad shoulders.

"Berserker to the Castle!" I cry excitedly in a childish voice, my worries fading away and spirits buoyed by mere proximity to the powerful Berserker.

"▃▃▅▅!" Heracles roared in agreement as he started moving past the snowy forest, I just hoped he knew where he was going because I certainly didn't. It wasn't surprising considering I was chased by a pack of wolves earlier, needless to say I didn't have a clue where I was supposed to go now.

If I remember correctly it wasn't time for me to return yet as Acht had ordered me to suffer in this cold and desolate wasteland until I was called for.

Of course my suffering was for a great cause, I needed to do this to improve my bond with Berserker, the same Servant Acht had chosen since it couldn't betray us, wait how did that make sense!?

Short answer, it didn't.

What a farce, it was most likely just another excuse to further indoctrinate me into being a good little meat doll who selflessly sacrificed themselves for the good of regaining the Third True Magic, now wasn't that just dandy?

Yeah no, fuck that.

I didn't intend to be Jubstacheit's puppet any longer and I was confident it was far too late for him to replace me, especially considering all the work he's put into me, along with the fact I already have Berserker at my side.

There was the chance that my memories and this hodgepodge personality I now called my own were to bait me into this course of action. Unfortunately my only other options were to wait in an icy hellscape for a summons that might never come or wander blindly, grasping at straws to solve my imminent expiration date.

If I did die in the confrontation with Acht it wasn't a huge loss, since I was going to die soon anyways if I didn't manage to pull a miracle off.

If the memory manipulation was done with this intention in mind, effectively removing the Einzbern's 'Perfect Master' from the Grail War then all I can say is well done you magnificent bastard!

I still hate you though.

I was going to ask the Einzbern patriarch straight to his face what Servants our family have summoned during the past wars, I wasn't going to waste time fruitlessly trying to research some sealed records. Not when I could hear it straight from the thing that's overseen every Grail War since the ritual's inception.

Briefly I considered just killing the old hunk of junk for all he's done to me, but ultimately dismiss it simply because I wasn't sure how to put him down for good. Old man Acht wasn't a human or even a homunculus, but a centuries old artificial intelligence using the Einzbern castle as it's framework. He was similar to Zouken Matou in that regard, an Immortal existence that couldn't be called human and an utter pain in the ass to kill.

Unfortunately I didn't have the ability to kill him, not even with Berserker by my side, as all Heracles was good at in his current class was mindlessly smashing things, why couldn't I have summoned him as an Archer his much, much, much stronger class?

Oh right! Because Acht said so! I hate him so much.

Another thing to consider was that I was barely keeping the Mad Servant in existence, I had powerful magic circuits sure, but that was no substitute for the Grail's support. The supposedly omnipotent cup hasn't activated yet, so without the device's support my ability to support Heracles' existence was unfortunately lacking.

In fact I could recall Heracles' skin being punctured by those mangy wolves from earlier, a hero like Heracles who possessed God Hand! A Noble Phantasm that should've repelled all attacks below B Rank, in case anyone needed clarification that was enough to crack a mountain!

Regardless the Grail should begin supporting Heracles soon, but that still left the fact that the dumb brute approach wasn't going to work against Old Man Acht, just like it wouldn't work against the old worm Zouken.

Well that didn't matter because I already knew the perfect way to get back at that hunk of junk.

I was going to pull a Kiritsugu, in other words even if I won the Holy Grail War, I had no intention of using the wishing cup, or even allowing the Greater Grail to manifest. Now who in their right minds would turn down a nearly omnipotent wishing cup that they've already won?

None other than myself of course!

While I could just cheat and claim my reasons for refusing the Grail simply amounted to Angra Mainyu, I won't. Even if Avenger didn't exist and wasn't contaminating the Grail, I still wouldn't ever allow the Greater Grail to manifest, because in short, I had to die for that to happen.

If it was hard to tell, dying was dead last on my 'Things that Illya wants to do' list, right below becoming Shirou's harem member number five.

The thought of being shoved into some dude's harem sent a shiver of revulsion down my spine. If anyone was going to have a harem it was going to be me, surrounded by beautiful women!

Wait, was that even applicable anymore? While this body is around eighteen it hasn't physically aged since I was eight, I haven't even started the beginnings of puberty yet and probably never would.

I'm not sure whether to be happy or disappointed about that, but hey look at the silver lining! I wouldn't have to deal with the myriad inconveniences that being an adult female would entail.

...Wait, couldn't I just solve those with magic?

Ahh, my silver lining has darkened.

I'm startled out of my increasingly inane thoughts by Berserker's rumbling growl. It seems while I was lost in thought Heracles found the Einzbern castle.

As I stared at the giant white castle, a building sense of trepidation seized my mind. I was going to have to fight in the Holy Grail War, wasn't I? A thin smile graced my lips at this absolutely amazing revelation! I was so ecstatic I might as well have a heart attack!

Did I ever mention how screwed I was?

A/N: My first SI fic with an Idea that's been bouncing around in my head for a while. It's been so long I forgot what led to this idea anyways hope you enjoy.

Btw Not entirely happy with the title so if you have an idea feel free to leave a suggestion in the comments.

Fixed a few typos and changed the beginning somewhat B/C I felt it read a bit awkwardly, but I still don't think its all that great now though.

A/N 2: some minor grammar fixes and edits.