Chapter 1

She walked back into the house, fresh off of dropping the kids at school – it was therapeutic for Victoria, quite honestly, and their chatter filling the space of the car energized her more than coffee could. Victoria kissed her children goodbye, and watched as they went off in their separate classrooms and into another world. Reed was eighteen and an adult, figuring out his place in the world as he still chased his musical dreams and actively worked towards it. Johnny was getting taller, getting smarter and getting to develop a sense of what it meant to be nice and considerate to others. He was a social butterfly and more than once, his teacher would call her and inform of her that son was a sweet, kind boy who with a fair share of admirers.

Katie was changing every day, like a flower in bloom. She was developing her own mind, her way of seeing the world and when asked about her opinion on anything, she was ready with an answer. She even developed a habit of observation and deliberation before making any major 5-year-old decisions. She was whimsical, imaginative, danced around the house, wore her fairy wings around the house and was the only one, besides Nick, with a love for all things sports-related. Especially the Milwaukee Bucks and Green Bay Packers.

Children were much direct than adults and did not understand the complex relationships of this Newman family of hers, or any of the Abbotts. They didn't understand what it meant to be with someone so long, and love then so intensely, it could be a dream and in the end, you woke up screaming from a nightmare. Children loved the unpredictable twists of a roller coaster but someone like her, was left emotionally drained, nauseous and physically spent after the longest time. But no. Not Johnny and Katie. Johnny liked his visits with Traci, thought Jack was cool and her mother was the prettiest grandma in the world. Katie loved spending time with Summer, loved going on spa trips with Abby and when she had figured out who gave her a gorgeously crafted music box as a birthday gift, Uncle Adam had her gratitude forever and they were friends now.

Johnny, Katie, Christian, Connor… all of them formed a bond as cousins that made her father happy as she watched him in the stables, watching them play. Moments like this make stepping down at Newman Enterprises worth it. I built this family just for this. The children understand it. They had somehow managed to evade the messes of their parents. Johnny, who protected Christian from mean kids because her nephew was shy and small. Katie and Connor, who fought each other but really had affection for each other, and made each other laugh. The boys who were sweet to Katie because she was a girl and being nice to girls was important and the right thing to do.

Victoria sighed, as she closed the door behind her and put her keys in her coat pocket. She needed an important Newman file for work. There was an acquisition in play, but the more she analyzed it, the more she became unsure of it being one Newman Enterprises wanted to take on. Sure, McLaren Manufacturing was a bleeding entity, still being nurtured by the Newman safety net, but this company was a liability she felt would infect other healthy parts. It was no fun having to cut out the rot, but she felt Newman would be better for it. Cut it loose and re-distribute that money into other parts of the company.

Victoria shuffled papers around, looking for that folder with the colour coded post-its nearly bursting from it. Having Adam around Newman wasn't so bad when he behaved – and well, Adam-proof blackmail did not hurt in her back pocket either especially when he had something to lose now – as long as he stayed out of her way and didn't go out of her way to irritate her more than usual. Newman was busy, a madhouse of calls and negotiations that had more in the boardroom more than the actual CEO office. Stakeholders had to remain happy. Board members had to remain satisfied and she had to leave the office every day, feeling like she had made substantial headway. Newman was her safe haven.

Maybe her day planner was in her home office. Things were more organized there anyway. Actually, her home office was the one place in the house, filled with files organized in alphabetical order, an organization board of different colour sticky notes in a code only she could understand. Her home office was the one place that didn't have Victoria feeling as if she was in a pressure cooker. She had accepted the things that irritated her about Billy because she didn't want to change him, and contrary to whatever version of her lived in his headspace, she did not want to. Things had tipped over and started simmering. It was just a matter of which of them would trip the switch before the inevitable boom.

Victoria exhaled, unable to locate her file of documents and colour coded notes and was about to head upstairs to the room office when she felt her iPhone 11 vibrate with a call. She glanced at it, phone encased in a new deep lavender case, and rolled her eyes.

"Not now, Adam."

"Well, good morning to you, sis."

Victoria moved to head upstairs to her home office. "Look, I'm having an erratic morning. Make it quick," she said, going up the stairs in quick steps and walking past the rooms to her home office at the end of the hall. The one room directly across from the guest room. Someone was going to sleep in there soon, Victoria thought bleakly and then pushed it from her mind.

"I have your notes on the McLaren deal. It made for interesting reading."

"You're psychotic."

"And I forgot how much I like messing with you," Adam replied, and she could hear him let up. "Relax. Like I wanted to touch it after the Post-It bomb went off in there. I just dropped Connor off. Let's get breakfast at the Club, and hammer this out before the meeting."

Victoria reached up, rubbing the tension out of her shoulder.

Yeah, she needed another cup of coffee immediately.

"Why? So, you could poison me?" Victoria replied, feeling herself bristle the way it did when anything Adam was involved. She took a calming breath, the same breath she used to dissipate anger and get rid of anxiety. She spoke again, evenly. "It's a force of habit, Adam. It'll take a while. Katie asked me to be nice to you. I'll be there."

She hung up, put her phone away and combed her hair back with a hand. Adam had her notes which meant she had his – a folder of chicken scratch that made her go blind from notes in the margins in the contract drafts, musings and analysis, different coloured arrowed that pointed this way and that. Like a chess match unspooling with no clear winner, but these were just hypotheticals. She had to be at the Club in 30 minutes to make this deal concrete.

Victoria scanned her organized desk, looking for a leather bound dark purple planner that went from January 2020 to December 2020. On the front was a simple monogrammed V in silver. It was just stationery, but she loved this planner Reed had bought for her. He had pre-written all the days he was sure to come back into town so you don't go nuts missing me because I'll always run home to my mom, he wrote and slid a silver guitar pick in the pages. She opened the second middle drawer and was relieved to find that this hadn't been with Adam or anyone else for that matter.

She quickly flipped to today's date, smiled in anticipation because it had been so long since she had a social outing with women who liked her and had things in common, aside from the fact that Reed had been friends with their children since childhood. It was rare to continue friendships long after the 2018 graduating class of Genoa City had become certified adults. Victoria had been re-acquainted with their families and they hers, and they had been there for her when she needed to cry, rant or even escape the memories of her domestic abuse. Their kids had been at her house and Reed had three other houses he could go to anytime. At times, she and these three women had spent more of their time at the meeting room with their kids looking criminal as teenagers tended to for one reason or the other. In the moment, Victoria's blood pressure rose, but in hindsight, it was the source of many laughs. These women had given her a sense of normalcy and made her think maybe, she wasn't as friendless as she had come to believe. Victoria wouldn't miss tonight for anything.

—

"Yes," she smiled, phone pressed to her ear. "Let me know when lunch works for you, Summer. That sounds perfect. Bye, honey."

She hung up, slid her phone in her bag with her day planner and hitched her bag over a shoulder when she was stopped mid-step by Billy coming in. He was happy, excited about something but she had to go and would be happy to hear all about it later. It wasn't that she was brushing him aside, and she prayed to not flinch when he touched her, but she needed to be at Newman right now. She needed to be where things made complete sense to her, where she was respected and seen as an equal and had nothing to do with her personal life.

Nevertheless, as he did when he was brimming over with a child's excitement, he acted before he spoke. Billy greeted with one kiss, a second one and then a third one that made her smile. She couldn't help it.

"What was that for?"

"Guess who just scored a position that is totally me?" he asked, rhetorically. With a grin, he pointed to himself with both thumbs. "This guy right here…" he continued, explaining pulling off his gloves. "Like I thought it was too good to be true and then it wasn't. His assistant gave me a tour of the place and the building from the outside is incredible. It's like this tall black shiny tower and my office space is twice the size of Jabot. Beautiful view… The CEO wanted to speak with me personally."

"Well, I'm happy for you," she said, genuinely and meant it. It was the safest thing she could say to him with a smile that she hoped reached her eyes. She didn't know what she was doing agreeing to do this again. Victoria had agreed to work through the Amanda situation that put her in a madness that, in truth, had her about to sell this house. She was so sure she'd figure it out, moving into a new home in a gated community in a good neighbourhood and child-friendly. She couldn't be here. Not in this house where every good memory had a bad one to compliment it. Victoria would take the Newman jet, see Reed, and explain things to him as best as she could. He would understand. He had been given his distance. If he had question, she would be completely honest with him.

Reed was managing his academics at the Berkley School of Music in Boston, and being creative with original music with surprising efficiency and time management. Reed's music had been so good that it begun to generate in an underground music environment she, herself, was getting acquainted with. It had gotten Devon's attention and she had promised him she'd bring it up to Reed when she saw him in Telluride. Things were good and steady and seeing him in Telluride had been like getting to know, and loving, this happier man while still loving the little boy in her heart. There was a freedom in Reed and he was happier. More realist than pessimist. Optimism was optional. Watching Reed at a show, whether it was an acoustic intimate one and the music festival here or there, was an opportunity to see her son develop and be in his natural element. People respected him and she could see it was earned. People respected her, knew her acumen and her name all over the world, and she had her community of close people. To truly be free, Victoria found herself wanting it more and more.

All she had to do was call the real estate agent and just talk. Not to actively browse, actively put in an offer or entertain others. Just talk about her options. Victoria even put in in the back of her mind to talk to Izzy, her best friend partly because they had musically inclined children who were collaborators and two other kids who were the kiddie definition of dating, about what her legal options were. Just to examine the pros and cons, what her rights were and what variables were in play. That's it.

Though she felt hollow with nothing to give and as though another part of her had died and gone dark, her children were older now. They were perceptive, could pick up on tension and one night, Johnny, snuggled up next to her looked up at her with a sadness and apprehension and made her want to cry herself. Mommy, I don't want to move. I love my house. Daddy's really sorry he hurt your feelings. She merely looked at him, embraced him and whispered okay, but I'm sorry I scared you too, baby against his blond head of hair and held him. So, with Johnny's fear of change, Katie retreating into her room because she was scared to lose it and Reed's room with its bright red door would be gone, Victoria agreed to couples therapy and maintained going to her therapy while Billy made an effort to find a new one for himself.

She kissed him and moved past him when he caught her gently by the waist.

"Billy, I have to go."

"I know, but I was just hoping you knew the CEO."

Victoria stared at him, oddly, "Why would I know him? You've been CEO before. You know carrying the title of CEO doesn't grant you access to this exclusive secret club, right? Well, not if you were female, she thought, resisting the urge of roll her eyes. The ceiling wasn't glass for women in the business world. It was unbreakable steel. "I'm not appraised on every business mogul that happens to pop up."

"I only asked because he was based out of Italy, and you stayed there for two years."

"Yes. For Art History and a change of scenery I needed at the time, not for business. Besides, Ashley is in charge of Jabot's European offices. You'd have better luck with your sister than me."

"If I gave you his name, would it ring a bell?"

"No," Victoria sighed. "It wouldn't."

"Vick. Humor me."

"Okay," she acquiesced, relenting. She could never say no when his eyes became brown puppy ones. It reminded her of a female pitbull she had bonded with for about three weeks at the local animal shelter.

Pepper. Because she was an ash gray and medium sized, so waiting four years to find a forever home. Victoria never saw instances of sadness or aggression. She walked with a bouncy gait, loved to play and was so affectionate, Victoria could not understand why this dog hadn't been adopted yet. She would have herself but years after losing Dash and then Keeley, unexpectedly to cancer that became too far gone for it to be treatable, Victoria wasn't ready for a new dog. She believed that after Delia had died, the grief of grief had been so powerful, it affected Keeley but never verbalized. When the shelter called her, Victoria was happy to celebrate Pepper finally finding a place in the world and a home. Pepper recognized her and bounced over to her, floppy ears and all, and gave her excited kisses with her tail wagging. Victoria understood it come from a place of gratitude. Oh, you're so welcome. I'm so happy for you, sweet girl. Yes. Who's the best girl ever? You're going to be so loved, Pepper. Pitbulls were branded as dangerous, rough and deemed damaged goods. Unable to be loved and shoved to the bottom of the canine totem. If she could see Pepper was happy dog with a lot of love to go. Surely, Billy with all his flaws, was worthy of seeing what could be done with the rubble. If something was salvageable.

"What's his name?"

"Uh, Lorenzo Mancini."

She was thrown into warm walks along the beach. Long conversations as a Tuscan breeze ruffled her long sundress and tossed his usually styled hair around. Museum adventures in a land of renaissance as she herself became reborn. Days and nights that blurred together and the concept of time did not matter because she was in a potent cloud of his intensity. Days where in a comfortable relationship that became mutual, trading art and philosophy. Victoria finding a kindred spirit in a city one could get lost in. There were nights spent in bed, wine long gone and clothes long discarded. Victoria painted herself in a world of watercolour to remember when the Arno sparkled with a layer of diamonds, and she had lazy days with him in bed. She recalled sketching him with his complexes, shades of grey, intricate lines and a soul that contradicted himself. Lorenzo Mancini. An intriguing name to match the man and one she wasn't sure she had spoken out loud until she heard it herself.

"I…may know of him," Lorenzo Mancini. Enzo. A white lie, but a lie of omission nonetheless. It stunned Victoria how easily it came to her, how her face and body language invested in it until it became the truth. Because in a way, it was. Florence with him was several years ago. A far-flung chapter in her life she hadn't closed, but liked to look through fondly, like a scrapbook. It wasn't in line with who was and what her life was like now. She shrugged. "I'm sorry. The name isn't coming to me."

"Oh," he simply said, and suggested dinner. "We can order in with the kids. Then, celebrate alone when they go to bed. I just had a really good session with Dr. Richards and this job… Vick, I'm genuinely feeling great right now and want to share it with you. I miss you."

"I miss you, too." Some part of her did. It was a battle every day to push the parts that felt dark, angry and poisonous. It was hard to not look at Billy and feel an acidity in her blood, and painful corrosiveness that made her want to scream and destroy him and everything attached to him. But it was even harder to let go of drunken nights on a Jamaican beach with welcoming strangers, days at the arcade that left her laughing so much she couldn't breathe and wedding vows on a front lawn of people who had varying degrees of disapproval. In the end, as terrifying as it was, getting arrested hadn't managed to break her because she had done it and married the man she loved. Love is patient. Love is kind. Love covers many wrongs, she recalled Judge Anderson's voice. She softened and nodded. "Okay. Dinner sounds nice."

"And you know what will be even nicer? Streaming all of Father Knows Best tonight."

"Wait. Tonight? I can't do tonight, Billy. I have dinner with friends at the Grand Phoenix," she smiled, genuinely but apologetically. "I've been looking forward to this for weeks. I'm sorry."

"Great," he dropped her hands, looking hurt. "Another girl's night where I become Enemy Number One. I'm always Enemy Number One," he frowned, "and if I didn't know any better, I'd think you were getting me back."

She laughed almost out of disbelief. "Getting you…back? For what?"

"For Amanda and every other time I've ever messed up and hurt you," he exhaled, and spoke clearly, looking her in the eyes. "It feels like I'm paying for everything I've ever put you through with interest, Victoria."

Victoria folded her arms. "Billy…"

"Look, I messed up. You're sick of hearing it. I'm tired of saying it, but it's the truth. It was nothing more than friendship and I had today's session to unpack all of that. I'm sure now, it wasn't going to anywhere. Not like Kelly. Nothing like Phyllis. I'm not okay. I don't know if I'll ever be… but I'm trying. All I want is a night with you to go back to basics. You know, get back to what made us truly us before it got lost."

"It will take more than a night to get back there if it's possible. We can't play arcade games, or get drunk on a Jamaican beach. We're not the same people. I'm not saying I don't want this," she gestured between them. "I'm simply saying that for us to be able to move on as a couple, we have to figure out who we are as people… as parents. Nick and I lived in this never ending cycle of our parents getting back together and splitting apart… I won't speak for Nick, but I know that it brought a sort of disorder into my life that was most likely here as an adult. I won't have that for Johnny and Katie," and then added. "Or, Reed for the matter."

"Do we tell Johnny and Katie we love each other as much we love them?"

She touched his face and kissed him before breaking apart. "Of course," she said, quietly. God, Victoria was really trying and so was he. Logically, she knew this. She saw how he was at home, saw how he respected her enough to talk to her and see of Amanda, and did so well with his therapy he had come back from one session with a mindfulness journal. She never asked about it and its contents until Billy felt like sharing. Your thoughts and feelings are yours, Billy. Everything you write in those pages belong to you and I will respect that. I will do my best to listen with all of the non-judgment in the world, and respectfully ask questions if I don't understand. Victoria had understood there was this darker side that rested in the corners of his psyche. She had spoken with him, had a whole conversation with him and in the end, come to the conclusion that this part was Billy. It needed to share space in his consciousness and it wasn't okay to be banished into the shadows. Nobody liked to be shoved aside and made to be valueless and made to be problematic. It hurt. Victoria felt this sting firsthand, hot and caustic, and therapy was like a calming salve on the wounds on her head and heart. "Johnny and Katie's parents love each other."

"So, I can't steal you away at all."

Victoria shook her head, "No. But how about we compromise? I get to have my girl's night this evening at the Grand Phoenix while you hang with the kids tonight," she placed his hands on his broad shoulders and he looped his arms around her waist, "and on the weekend, we go to the Winter Fair with the kids."

"Deal."

He kissed her and let her go and was headed out the door when Billy's phone slightly startled them both. "Probably Traci or Jack," he went into his jacket and his face changed. She caught a glimpse of the lit screen and went to leave. She had a meeting and her day wouldn't ease up much after that. Billy reassured her. She wasted enough time here. "Hey, it's not important. I'll let it go to voicemail."

"Victoria…"

"Listen. Take it. You're allowed to have friends. You're not shackled to me. and I'm sure she'd be happy to hear about your upcoming interview," she said, with an air of resignation and understanding that it was one step forward, and several steps back. It was a complicated dance, but it wasn't a hard one when it was a choreography engrained into her mind. At least, there were steps, right?

"We were okay just now. Don't leave like this."

"We still are okay. I have a meeting. I'm not mad, okay? Amanda Sinclair is stranger to me. It's foolish to give a stranger that much power…or any at all," she answered, and didn't mean to sound as cold as she did. A defense mechanism, her mother had said. You're like your father that way. You shut down when you're in pain but please don't suffer in silence, sweetheart. Victoria calmly took a breath to stop the tell-tale signs of feelings that rushed up to the surface. She valued honesty with her emotions and her feelings and tried to do that more often, but there was a time and place. Now wasn't it. Who knew when that was? Maybe she'd find a time and space and write it down. "Good luck with your interview, Billy."

She leaned in to kiss Billy, and decided to press her lips to his cheek. She situated her bag on her shoulder, opened the front door and stepped into the cool January air. The door closed shut behind her. Victoria stopped and stood on the front steps of her house. Billy's silver car remained parked next to the black BMW hybrid she traded in her silver minivan for.

She walked down the driveway, got into her car and started it with a press of a button. For a brief moment, Victoria met Billy's eyes from the window of the house before she went into her bag and slid her Burberry Cat Eye sunglasses over her eyes to shield them from the sun. She slipped on her seatbelt, reversed slowly out of her driveway and pulled away from Orchard Ave.

—

Victoria found herself driving away from her present, unsure and foreign to her. She was headed toward a past she thought was long closed when she left Florence with the ghosts of the Renaissance, grand architecture, and art that left her in such awe.

For a moment in time that left her trapped in this place of what she knew and what she was unsure of knowing, Victoria was driving a past, wrapped in an enigma, locked away in a Pandora's Box. As she got closer to the Athletic Club, Victoria realized with vivid clarity, she was headed toward a collision that left her questioning all of the blurred lines men like Billy Abbott and Lorenzo Mancini would present in a life already complicated.