3 weeks

3 fucking weeks and he was still no closer to the team than he was when he first walked on that day. Buck didn't misunderstand where the team was coming from, he knew that it wasn't going to be all cupcakes and rainbows when he walked into the station.

But he did enjoy the cupcake that Hen brought him on his first day back. But that was three weeks ago and he still can't get them to at least talk to him for more than a few minutes. The only time they talked was during calls.

He would at least think that Bobby would let him out on calls after he saved that guy who was stuck in that windshield of the car, but Bobby still has him stuck on chores. But he doesn't complain.

He has no right to complain.

Buck can take the teasing from Chim, the disappointment from Bobby, the slightly sympathetic looks from Hen. But something he can't take is the complete and utter silence from Eddie. Buck had tried and tried again to get Eddie to talk to him, but nothing ever worked. He's getting tired of being ignored.

He's been ignored for most of his life. Aside from his sister.

But she has her shit to deal with and Buck doesn't want to drag her down with his problems. She's getting help and she seems to be doing better for the first time in a long time. He knows he should talk to someone, but no one on the team is willing to listen nor talk to him.

He found out that Eddie had been street fighting when Bobby had gathered the team for a meeting. Buck felt his hope rise and fall when Bobby yelled That means you too Buckley. While it felt nice to be included in a team activity, it hurt when Bobby called him Buckley. It's formal and not friendly in any way possible. Eddie had told them all that he had been street fighting to keep his anger in check but he decided to go to an MMA gym after he almost killed a man. Bobby gave him a verbal warning and everyone else went up to him to show their support.

But when he stood up, Eddie walked away without looking at him

And that's when everything was starting to get to him. Not that he blew up over the littlest things, but he was tired. It was starting to get harder to do everything.

To get out of bed

To eat

To shower

To do his PT exercises

To exist

Buck doesn't know when everything was beginning to get so tiring. He would walk into the station with his head down and headphones in. Listening to the same song every time that somehow relates to his situation no matter what the day.

Lie to me

Convince me that I've been sick forever

And all of this, Will make sense when I get better

but I know the difference

Between myself and my reflection

I just can't help but wonder

Which of us do you love?

He spent all his time and energy faking the emotions he's supposed to be feeling. When Bobby told him to get in the truck to help out at an ice-skating rink, he wanted and knew he should feel happy and ecstatic that Bobby is allowing him to come on a call...but...

He can't bring himself to feel that way

But Buck plasters on a fake smile and nods in determination and accompanies them to the rink.

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When they get to the warehouse where the worker is trapped under the shelves, it brings back memories that Buck would rather forget. He's back under the truck when he hears the man's screams, but luckily help came immediately and he wasn't alone like Buck was for a while. Hen and Chim suit him up in the ambulance but Buck is still staring at the spot where he was. He hears Bobby order him to help Eddie clean up the scene. Buck shakes himself out of his self-induced anxiety and busies himself cleaning up the blood.

He hates how his hands are shaking as he continues to wipe the already spotless floor.

Buck pulls himself out of his head when he hears the truck start. He looks up and sees the team packing up and beginning to get in.

"Buck let's go!" Bobby yells back at Buck and it takes him longer than he would like to have to gather himself from up the ground and climb into the truck. Inside the truck, Hen is driving and Chim in riding shotgun, bantering like nothing is wrong. In the back, Eddie is seated next to Bobby, who is looking at his phone.

No one asked if he was ok because no one paid attention to him

They were ignoring him

Just like everyone did

After his shift was over, he didn't want to go home right away

He needed a drink

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One drink in and he wanted to go home. In retrospect, this probably wasn't the best idea but it's not like he had anything else to do nor anyone to see. He was nursing his second drink but it was mostly watered down due to how long he had been staring into it. He moved his drink to the side and let his head thump onto the table.

Ugh I should go home...but I don't want to move

"Buckley?" Buck picks up his head at the voice who interrupted his thoughts. He looked to his side and saw someone he almost forgot about.

"Bosko?" Buck remembers her as the person that was trying to replace him. But after he thought long and hard about it, he understood where the captain was coming from. The 118 was shorthanded and they needed someone to fill in for him.

It just hurts seeing how easily replaceable he was

"Not in the mood for drinking tonight?" Lena asked as she took a seat that was offered to her. Buck remembered having a conversation with Lena a few times, he got to know her a little and they ended up becoming decent acquaintances.

"Thought a drink was what I needed after today but now I'm not so sure..." Buck trails off as he orders water. Lena does the same.

"Rough day?" Lena asks as she steals a cherry from over the bar.

"Yea...it was my first call after...after everything that happened and I know I should be happy but...I didn't feel anything." Lena nods and listens as Buck explains how the past 3 months went.

"Can I give you some advice?" Lena asks as she downs the rest of her drink.

"If it's the same advice you gave Eddie I'm not interested"

"You know about that? I swear I-" Buck holds a hand up to stop her.

"I know you didn't think he was going to take it that far. I don't blame, I don't think anyone does because it was his own decision to continue stepping into the ring. It's not your fault Lena, you only suggested something but I think he took it a step too far. I'm just glad he got help before something more serious happened."

"S-so you know about the guy?" Buck nods yes and Lena sags.

"I know it's silly but I'm relieved that you don't blame me for what he did"

"No, I never did"

"Then why did you hate me when you first walked into the station?" Lena asks as she scoots closer to him to hear him better over the music that's growing louder.

"Honestly? I don't know...it's a lot of things but mostly it because I was jealous. Not of you or how you had Eddie's back because deep down I knew you were at least a decent person to have his back" Lena flicks him in the arm "But I just got so jealous and angry but sad seeing your name taped over mine...it was stupid"

"To be fair, I think that was a pretty shitty thing for them to do. And I told them that I wasn't 100% comfortable with taking someone else's locker but they said you wouldn't mind"

"Looking back, I don't...but it just hurt seeing how replaceable I was...am...ugh I hate this"

"Well...back to what I was saying earlier, I think you need to talk to someone. While that didn't work out so hot for me, I think you'll benefit from it. Here are two numbers, one of them is for an individual session and the other is for group therapy. Pick your poison." Lena says as she texts Buck some phone numbers. Buck tucks his phone away and looks to Lena who is nibbling on her cherry stem.

"Why are you helping me?" Buck asks in curiosity

"Honestly, I know what it's like to struggle with PTSD and there's no one there. I deal with mine with fighting, looking at you, I don't think it's the best option but I do think you'll benefit from group therapy, it shows you that you aren't alone in whatever it is you're going through" Lena finishes as she down a shot of a random alcohol she ordered earlier.

"Lena...thank you"

"What are friends for?"

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When he told Maddie that he's thinking of attending a group therapy session, she was completely supportive of the idea and offered to drop him off at his first therapy session. He had agreed and here they are.

"I'll wait here for you Buck," Maddie said as she pulled into the parking lot of the building. Buck had been in his head for the whole ride, he was anxious.

"No you don't have to, I'd want you to enjoy your day off doing something else."

"Buck, there isn't anything I wouldn't do for you. You helped me out with my shit, now I'm helping you with yours" Maddie says as she squeezes Buck's arm in reassurance. Buck nods and steadily gets out of the car and makes his way to the entrance of the building. He looked back at Maddie who gave him a thumbs up from the car. He opens the door and follows the signs for the meeting.

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It wasn't what he was expecting. He expected a bland plain white painted room that you would see on tv with no windows in the basement of an abandoned church. But when he walked in, the scent of old books and pine hit him and he instantly felt calm. It's a room that is surrounded by wood and a cabin aesthetic. There were bookshelves filled with books and various knick-knacks with a clock on the back wall suspended over a fireplace. He looks around and takes a seat at one of the brown leather couches, fiddling with his hands. Buck sees a pair of boots step in front of him, he looks up and sees a man in front of him.

"You're new here. Hi, I'm Mike, I'm the host of these sessions." Mike sticks out his hand for Buck to shake, he takes it, introducing himself. "So what brings you here today Evan?"

"You can call me Buck. And to be honest with you I'm not entirely sure...I'm a positive person but lately, everything has begun to feel tiring"

"I see. Well you did the right thing by coming here"

"Therapy hasn't worked for me..." His mind flashes back to that time he was forced to sleep with a woman in order to keep his job. Mike senses his hesitation

"Tell you what, you try coming to these meetings for at least one month, then you let me know how much you do or don't want to be here. You don't have to go up and speak today but when you are ready, you can. Sound fair?" Buck thinks it over. Mike is giving him the option and it's up to him.

Buck agrees

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After two meetings, Buck dares to get up, stand in the middle of the room and say:

Hi...I'm Evan Buckley and I have PTSD

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He hadn't told anyone from the 118 that he had been attending group therapy for almost 3 months.

He hadn't told them that it's been helping.

He doesn't tell them that he's never felt better-having people talk to.

He feels validated.

He feels that he's found a family again

He's not alone anymore.

Buck would always shrug when the 118 asked why he's been looking better

I've been sleeping a little better

And it isn't a lie, his nightmares have been disappearing steadily and the years of tension had been slowly leaving his body. The team had started to slowly talk to him again. Hen had handed him a controller to play a game with her. Chim had claimed he could beat him at pool and Bobby was showing him how to cook again.

But Eddie was still a little bit of a mystery

Eddie had begun to invite him over to the house more, he would bring Christopher over to Buck's house when he had the day off, and the bantering had begun again. Buck had begun to remember why he fell for Eddie which had been pushed in the back of his mind after his insecurities and self-doubts had manifested in his mind. And he still wasn't sure if Eddie felt the same but he had a little bit of help. When Eddie would pat him on the back, his hand would linger. He would always sit a little too close to Buck (not that he was complaining), and the outings with Christopher started up again.

But it felt like a wall was still in between Buck and the team

Buck hoped that he would never have to tell them that he had been going to therapy and it had been the best thing that he possibly could have done because he's finally looking after his mental health for the first time in ever. He wants something to keep to himself that the team doesn't know about.

But knowing his steady stream of bad luck, it was only a matter of time before they found out because that's where the next call is.

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The 118 pulls into the parking lot of the YMCA and gets flagged down by someone near the front door. As they storm inside the building, Buck tries to keep his head down because he sees several staff members that he's gotten to know very well over the past months look at him. They enter a room he's all too familiar with and they see a very pregnant woman on the ground.

"We were just talking when her water broke, she can't drive to the hospital," says a man to her right.

"You did the right thing by calling us," Bobby says as he turns to his team.

"Hen you assist with the birth, Chim get ready to transport, Eddie keeps an eye on her vitals and Buck-" Bobby's sentence was cut short when the woman on the ground shouted.

"Evan!" Buck was instantly at her side, she reached out her hand and he instantly took it.

"Don't worry Itzel, you're doing great."

Hen tells the woman that she needs to continue to push and to remain calm.

"You heard her Itzel, so talk to me. How are you doing? You've been coming to therapy for almost a month" Itzel bites back a scream of pain.

"I-I'm doing better. I'm starting to see my therapist again. A-and I finally asked Devin to be my girlfriend" Itzel grunted in pain.

"Just a little more," Hen says

"What did she say?"

"She said yes. Can you please call her?"

"Of course, I will. Want me to call your aunt Linda too?"

"Yes, plea-" Itzel's sentence gets cut off when she pushes one last time and she hears a baby's scream. She sags against Buck who is instantly supporting her.

"Congratulations you have a beautiful healthy boy" Hen says as Chim wraps the baby up in some cloth.

"You hear that Itzel? You did great! Now you need to go to the hospital because they need to make sure you're ok. Ready?" Itzel nods as Buck helps her onto a backboard. Eddie and Chim lift her onto the gurney and wheel outside towards the ambulance. Buck puts away his phone after he texts the two people. He feels a hand on his shoulder and when he looks behind him it's Mike.

"Do you think she'll be ok?" asks Mike watching the ambulance leave out the window.

"She'll be fine. I already called Devin and Linda. They're on their way" Mike nods and turns towards the 118 still standing by the door.

Shit...they hadn't left? Please don't ask...don't say anything

"So this is the 118 you've told us about" Mike gestures to the group and Buck can see Eddie and Bobby tense. Hen and Chim have busied themselves with cleaning up the scene. But they are still within earshot. No one says anything for a while and Mike is oblivious to the tension.

"We were in the middle of a session when Itzel's water broke. Thanks for being here Buck, and thanks to the rest of you. Buck has told us so much about you" With that being said, Mike walks away.

Fuck why did he say that?! Now I'll need to tell them what I've been doing

With Mike gone, Buck is left alone with Eddie and Bobby.

It gets super awkward fast and Buck can feel his anxiety climb. He needs to leave but he can't move. Buck takes a seat at one of the tables.

"Ok...before anyone says anything. This isn't-" Buck begins to explain but it gets cut off by Eddie, who sighs deeply. Buck knows he's going to regret it but he asks:

"What? Is there a problem?"

"Yea you're the problem. Damn it, Buck, I thought you were over this"

"Over what?"

"This whole thing. I thought you were over the lawsuit. I thought you were done coming after us!" Eddie says as he rubs his two fingers up and down his nose in frustration.

"Wh-I am this isn't that. It's-"

"You told that lawyer personal information about us last time, how would this be any different?"

"First off, this isn't that and second-"

"You filed a lawsuit to put us in a bad position with Bobby and made him out to be the bad guy. That woman we just helped; did you knock her up? Is that why you knew her?" Eddie asks beginning to raise his voice. Bobby sees the situation is starting to escalate. He puts a hand on Eddie's shoulder to calm him down but Eddie brushes it off. Buck wants to explain, but he can't because he is still mad at him. He just sits there and listens to his rant.

"Eddie please let me expl-"

"Explain what? How you're seeing people and bitching about us behind our backs? Everything we've ever told you, you're going to turn around and spill it to strangers? How you're still selfish? I thought that you've changed, but you're still the same selfish asshole that only thinks of himself! You didn't think of m-Christopher back then and you don't think about him now! So tell me, what the fuck are you doing here?" Eddie demanded as he took deep breaths. Buck didn't know what Eddie said, but at that second, Buck was done.

"Fuck you," Buck says as he stands up and faces Eddie. No one was expecting that.

"Excuse me?"

"I said fuck you! How can you stand there and berate my choice to sue the city when all I wanted to do was GET BACK TO YOU. You said that I wasn't around for you but neither were you! Every time I got injured on the job, with my leg, and with my pulmonary embolism, I woke up ALONE in that hospital room. When I was going through physical therapy, I was by myself. You tell me I'm selfish for suing the city when you were pulling that street fighting bullshit. You're a fucking hypocrite Eddie!" Buck takes a step back to put some space between them. Eddie's eyes are wide at this point.

"This whole time, I've felt like I was alone. The nightmares of the damn tsunami and firetruck came back and everything got harder to do. I almost forgot what it's like to exist without the nightmares and trauma. I've told all of you how sorry I was...am, but it still isn't enough for you right? Nothing I ever do is going to be good enough for you, is it? I thought that after these 2.5 months of you inviting me to the house and spending time with Christopher that you had at least began to trust me again. Even if we are never going to have what we once had, being your friend and spending time with you was enough for me to keep going. It took me a long time to realize that I wasn't ok...because I'm not." Buck takes a deep breath to steady himself. "I...I had a flashback to that time of the bombing because of that guy under the beams, and none of you noticed that I was stuck in a flashback. By the time I pulled myself out of it, you were all in the truck without me. That's when I realized that this couldn't go on..."

"W-what can't go on?" asked Hen as she saw that Eddie was incapable of forming speech right now.

"I couldn't keep lying to myself saying that I'm ok when I'm not. I tried...I tried to get over it but I can't...not after everything. So I started coming here and it's been helping. I started talking to people about what I was feeling and it's been helping."

"Why didn't you come to us?" asked Eddie but immediately regrets it when he sees Buck's eyes harden.

"Would any of you have listened?" Buck could see Eddie working on a response, but nothing came out. So Buck decided he would continue, "Would you have listened without telling me to suck it up or get over myself?" Buck looks at Eddie when he says this, but Eddie doesn't meet his eyes.

He can't

Buck turns away from them and wraps his arms around in midsection in a form of self-protection. No one says anything for a while until they hear someone enter through the doors. They look to see Lena and Maddie walking in.

"Lena?" asks Eddie as she approaches them, but she doesn't acknowledge him. "Lena...can I just say that I'm-" Eddie was about to apologize for what he had said so many weeks ago to her. But she puts her hand up to stop him

"I'm not here for you Diaz," Lena says in a hard voice as she turns away from the 118. They look at Buck hidden in the corner with his head down. She slowly walks over to him and simply sits next to him. He eventually lifts his head enough to look at her.

"Hey heard there was a call here. Just wanted to make sure you're ok"

"I'm fine..." Buck says in a quiet voice.

"Are you?" Lena asks skeptically.

"Not really, but I'll be fine after tomorrow" Buck responds sadly and Lena nods in acknowledgment.

"I know you came directly from the station and you're off now...want us to drive you home?" She asks and he nods. "Ok, here are my keys go wait in the car, I need to grab my bag." She then gets up from the chair and extends her hand to Buck, which he takes.

"Can we stop and see Waffle before I go home?" She nods and hands him her keys. He walks out of the room.

"What did you do?" Lena immediately asks as she turns to face the rest of the 118.

"You know he was doing so well...he finally got help after all the shit he's been through. He stopped having so many nightmares, he's sleeping better at night...he's getting better" Maddie cuts in.

"How did he even find this place?" Chimney speaks up hesitantly.

"I told him about it," Lena says and Eddie looks to her in shock. Lena explains how she ran into him in the unofficial LAFD dive bar and she set him up with this place.

"I thought you said you didn't believe in therapy," Eddie said sarcastically, cutting himself out of his self-deprecating reverie.

"I don't. As in for me. Traditional therapy didn't and still doesn't work for me. I saw Buck and I told him about this. Street fighting was never on the table for him"

"But you recommended it to me?" Eddie says, annoyance and anger seeping in.

"And what a mistake that was" Lena fires back and that stops Eddie short.

"Listen...I know what Evan wasn't the smartest thing to do. But even after all he did and all he's been through, I'm glad he's finally getting help...he needs it" Maddie spoke up as she looked to the room.

"I can see why he would never come to you guys...I remember what you said to him in the grocery store Diaz...you told him to suck it up and get over himself...look where that got you" Lena says as she gives him a disappointed stare. She shakes her head and turns to leave.

"Who's Waffle?" Maddie asks as she steps beside Lena.

"My pet corn snake. Buck kind of likes him" Lena responds and turns the corner and steps out of sight but Maddie stays behind.

"Evan has the day off tomorrow so he's staying with me. He's coming to his weekly PTSD group therapy meeting tomorrow. As much as I don't want him seeing any of you, I know you'll want a chance to make things right. You better do so before it's too late and he ends up transferring out of the station" Maddie finishes off as she leaves.

The echo of the door slam can be heard as a deep empty echo

They had to fix this...

But how?

Thanks for reading! Feel Free to comment!

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Song: Breathe No More ~ Evanescence