AN: I do not own Naruto or any of Kishimoto's characters.

English is not my first language, so please excuse any of the grammar mistakes that I am sure are there.

This is the first part in a series. I'm currently writing the second part while editing the first.

Updates: once every week.

You can't wait for the update but need a Sakura/Shikamaru fix? Check out my other story Vacant Soul!

Enjoy :)

As a child, Sakura's greatest wish was to have a big family. Meeting Ino had only deepened the conviction that siblings were the greatest thing that could happen to a person. Although Ino was, by all means, an only child just like Sakura and most of her peers at the academy, Sakura had always thought that her bond to Shikamaru and Chouji was more that of a sibling's bond than anything else.

Watching the three of them bicker and laugh together had only strengthened that conviction in Sakura's little heart. Looking back, Sakura thinks that this conviction was mostly brought on by loneliness. Her parents had rarely been home. As chuunins themselves, their earnings were small, so to compensate they had to take on many missions. This did not mean that Sakura did not appreciate their efforts. But it did, like so many things did during childhood, shape her personality.

Later in the academy, the teachers would tell them how it didn't matter if you came from a clan-family, no-name family, or civilian family. But the more time she spent at the academy, the more she became convinced this was a lie. In the first place, the clan children all knew each other, had grown up along side each other as their parents socialized with the others. This, she later realized, was the result of clan-politics, something she would never understand, nor need to understand, because she was and would always be an outsider.

Because Sakura was from a no-name family, and because her parents were always away on missions, Sakura did not have to go through the socializing process the clan-children or even other children went through, and so, when Sakura entered the academy she didn't know how to make any new friends. Sakura didn't know what socializing was, didn't know how to act or talk to other children, and so she became what other children would refer to as unapproachable, but what she would categorize as merely being extremely shy.

Sakura had spent the first few months of the academy by herself, studying attentively, while yearning for the friendship she could see others had gained so easily. While others had naturally split up into groups, Sakura could be found by herself at her desk, drawing or writing in her notebook. It was then the bullying started. Other girls would offhandedly insult her hair color, or her hairstyle, which she had actually copied from one of the girls in class, and after a long day she would return to a dark and empty home only to break out in tears at the unfairness of it all.

So, when Ino had taken it upon herself to befriend small little Sakura, who had become so self-conscious about not only her appearance but her personality as well, it was an understatement to say that Sakura was thankful. No she was ecstatic, and she bathed in the attention she had been denied from her parents and other peers.

Sakura became Ino's little project, and for a few months, Sakura learnt what it meant to become more confident, to voice one's opinion, and that her thoughts mattered. Sakura felt, for the first time happy and content with life. But Sakura didn't know anything about social cues, nor friendships, or how easily they could break. Sakura thought that her first friendship would outlive anything and everything.

So it had been, to her immense shock, been an unwelcome surprise to her when her friend terminated their friendship because of a boy. In the first place, Sakura had done the same thing she had done the last few months: she had imitated her friend in everything, because friends liked the same thing and had the same interest.

But Ino had drawn an invisible line Sakura hadn't known existed, and then pushed Sakura away and declared her a rival and an enemy. And Sakura was many things, but she wasn't an angel or a saint, so instead of apologizing or explaining, she turned her hurt into anger, which manifested into the most ridiculous rivalry in Konoha's history. Which, in Sakura's opinion, would only be topped by Sasuke and Naruto's rivalry years later.

Maybe, if Ino hadn't thrown Sakura to the curb, and instead cheered her on in her first love as Sakura had Ino, Sakura would never had manifested such a strong desire to become Sasuke's wife. But the hurt Sakura felt was deep, and she knew now, because she was wiser and older that the only way, she could overcome that betrayal was by becoming completely obsessed with Sasuke.

And that was how the most ridiculous unrequited love story of the entire world started. It started because of a stubborn young girl hurting on the inside, and it ended without her intention or awareness. One day, she thought she wanted to bring him back because she loved him. And then the Infinite Tsukuyomi showed her a dream of a different variety altogether that made her realize she had been deceiving herself all along.

Under the moon jutsu's influence, everyone dreamed of their perfect life, their very own happy ending. One night a few months later, her friends talked about their dreams in their drunken stupor, about what had become reality, and what remained an unfulfilled aspiration even now. Kiba had joked about how he had been Hokage in his dream, and everyone had to agree that that was a dream that would stay off the table forever. Ino had dreamt about being the head of the T&I division, and although she had yet to reach the top, she was well on the way to achieve that dream.

Sakura had listened to her friends and stayed silent herself. She rarely got drunk, didn't like the complete lack of control that came with the alcohol. Ino had often made fun of her because of this and called her a control freak. Sakura was sure she didn't mean it in a bad way, but it still stung whenever she was called rigid bitch, or a party-pooper, or whatever else her drunken friend called her when she was on the influence.

Her friends had all assumed she had dreamt of being married to Sasuke, living the perfect life of a housewife with one or two kids. And Sakura hadn't bothered correcting them, because admitting the truth would have revealed things about her that she wasn't ready to share. And even back then she knew that certain people should never find out about the truth or what lied behind that truth.

The Infinite Tsukuyomi may have shown people a perfect version of their future. A happier version of their life. But it showed Sakura a version of a future she could never have, because the man of her dream (literally) already had a girl he liked, and that girl, incidentally, liked him back.

One day she thought she was in love with Sasuke, an emotionally stunted criminal who had betrayed Konoha, and the next moment, she was in love with the most arrogant genius she had ever had the misery/pleasure of meeting. Sakura thought she had really stepped things up.

No one had suspected, least of all Sakura. But Sakura knew that, though she was a champion at obsessing, she was even better ignoring her feelings, of shoving them deep down into a dark lonely place in her head, until she had forgotten she had done it in the first place. Sakura had become a pro at deflecting her emotions, something she blamed entirely on Ino's betrayal.

Under the Infinite Tsukuyomi, everyone had dreamed, but it had been different for all of them. They had dreamed of the same world, but it had soon become apparent that everyone had lived in their own world.

Some had only spent a few days. Others had spent weeks in the world. They had tried to discern a reason for the discrepancy for the time difference, and Sakura suspected it had something to do with the psyche. She theorized that the stronger a psyche was, the less effective were mind bending jutsu's. Thus, to take effect on a stronger psyche the jutsu must become more elaborate in its design to avoid being detected. In the end, the people who had known in detail about this jutsu were all dead, and so they would never know for certain if her theory proved right.

And it soon had become apparent to Sakura, that she had spent a much longer time in the fake dreamworld than anyone else. Naruto had only spent a few days in it before he realized it was fake and broken out of it. And the others, just like Sakura, hadn't even realized it had been fake at all, and they had spent a few weeks in it. Sakura, on the other hand, had spent almost a year in it.

When people woke up from the mind bending jutsu they were first confused, and then angry at being deceived, which they then turned into their strength for the next battle. Sakura on the other hand…was devastated to no end to wake up after experiencing an almost perfect future, only to lose it all in one instant. The realization of her feelings for a man who turned out to be unattainable didn't help either.

Like with any unwanted feelings, she had shoved them away deep down, so she could focus on the battle at hand.

But sometimes, in those rare moments she allowed herself to relive those memories, she wished she was still caught in the Infinite Tsukuyomi for just a moment, to experience the uncaged and unlimited happiness that she only found in there.

A rough hand rubbing over her stomach…

Those few lingering kisses on her throat that always sent shivers down her spine…

A warm body pressing up against her back…

A low and sensual rumble, a promise for something more…

She didn't allow herself this often, because there was a real world out there, with real people and real consequences. And Sakura knew that, theoretically, it was because she held on so tightly to this dream that she was unable to move on. But how was she to stop when the dream promised such sweet memories? Was it really that much of a sin, to keep dreaming of a better future?

Telling anyone about her alternate reality was out of the question. She had hated it when people looked at her in pity whenever Sasuke came up as a topic. She wasn't weak, she was a strong kunoichi, with an amazing career. And even if things in her love life didn't go as planned, or, as it was now, didn't even exist, that was no excuse to pity her.

It wasn't like she didn't try. Over the course of the last two years, she had tried to suppress her feelings in a multitude of ways. She had tried dating, for example. At first, she had thought she might try dating Sasuke. It had been her dream since childhood after all. And even though that mindless drive to be Sasuke's girlfriend technically didn't exist anymore, she thought that if they tried, she might develop some feelings.

But the last of her affections for that man had disappeared when he and Naruto had so stupidly decided to fight to death in the valley of death. It served them right to lose an arm each. Stupid idiots. When she had discovered the two of them, she had decided to never date either of them. And that was that. She had healed Sasuke and Naruto, and a week later he had left in search of his soul or whatever other silly excuse he provided Naruto with. Naruto, the supportive friend that he was, tried to hide the hurt and had cheered him on. It had only made her want to hit Sasuke even more.

But who was she to interfere? And in the end Naruto had moved on anyway. He was dating Hinata, and they looked happy together, so all ended well. Except for her, it seemed, because dating, it seemed, was not her thing.

She had dated Lee for a bit, but that had been a complete disaster that made her feel even worse. The more time she spent with him, the more she realized he had never really seen her.

Over the course of their childhood he had somehow come up with a whole other, more perfect Sakura and had portrayed that image onto her. Much like she had done with Sasuke. And the more time she spent in his vicinity, the more inadequate she felt, until she had to put a stop on the whole relationship altogether. By the end of the three months they had dated she had felt so insecure it had reminded her of her academy days, when she had had no friends and had yet to meet Ino, who would save her from her bullies. And she had hated herself for feeling like that.

She had broken it off, and it was a good thing too, because a few months later he started datin Tenten. The two of them had their one-year anniversary not so long ago. The two of them fit together flawlessly, and Tenten was able to put him down a peg or two when he overstepped his boundaries, something Sakura had never been able to do.

After Lee there had been others. But those relationship hadn't lasted for long, and if she was being completely honest, she hadn't seriously tried after Lee. After the fifth relationship had gone awry, Sakura had stopped altogether. She hadn't been fair to them and had never been able to completely relax in their presence, which had been a huge discomfort when it came to sex with them.

Sakura knew what amazing sex was like, thanks to the fake life she had led for six months. Sex in reality…did not measure up. At all. And she found that she couldn't completely open herself to the men she had dated, emotionally and physically, which only added to their frustration.

So, she had decided to stop dating. For almost a year now she had been single, and she didn't mind it too much. At times, It was lonely. There was nothing she could do about it. But she had a job and friends and a life in general, and she was thankful for that. She was satisfied. Not happy, but maybe someday she could look at her life and think that this was indeed happiness.

As a child, Sakura had had a dream. But even if that dream was unattainable now, it wasn't so bad, right?

Right?