Pairing(s): Merlin & Arthur
Prompt: 7. It is Merlin's first Yule/Christmas/other winter holiday in Camelot, and he is missing his mother, as well as Will (who has just died). Arthur, who is also missing the absence of his mother, does his best to cheer Merlin. Gen or Merlin/Arthur
Disclaimer: Merlin characters are the property of Shine and BBC. No profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended. "The English carol "Deck the Halls" was written by Thomas Oliphant.
Notes: camelittle is just such a wonderful beta. She's a real star that came through for me even though I'd bothered her about other stories, too. Thanks so much! Also note that all mistakes are mine.

"Deck the Halls" was first published in 1794, though it's much older than that, possibly dating back to the 1500's. The English carol "Deck the Halls" was published in 1862 and was written by Scottish musician, Thomas Oliphant. He put new words to the Welsh carol, Nos Galen.

Oer yw'r gŵr sy'n methu caru,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Hen fynyddoedd anwyl Cymru,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Iddo ef a'u câr gynhesaf,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Gwyliau llawen flwydd nesaf,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.

And the English translation:

Cold is the man who cannot love
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
The old mountains of dear Wales,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
For him and his warmest friend,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
A joyful holiday next year.
Fa la la la la, la la la la..

Nowadays, most people sing the "Deck the halls with boughs of holly" lyrics, but I thought it was more appropriate to use the older version here.

The 'fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-las' were getting annoying. After all, he'd heard it a dozen times that day, and while Yule was tomorrow, they'd been singing it or variations of it for weeks. Arthur could appreciate that some people would be happy about the whole thing and like to go around singing and stringing up garlands throughout the castle and exchanging gifts and hugs and good cheer, but he was missing his mum a bit more than normal this year, and he just wanted the singing to stop.

Not that he'd ever met her. She'd died on Arthur's birthday, and while that wasn't for months yet and it was always a mournful affair, he'd been told that Yule was her favourite time of year, and in her honour, he'd decided it would be his as well. So, he tried to keep it as the others did, with smiles and celebration, but this year seemed harder than most.

Besides, Yule didn't go over well with his father. But then nothing did, nothing ever made him happy, and Arthur had long since realized that. He still tried, though, but in his heart of hearts, Arthur knew it was an impossible task and that made him a bit grumpy.

It also didn't help Arthur's mood that Merlin was uncharacteristically quiet. It was unnatural.

Usually, he couldn't get Merlin to shut up. The idiot was always smiling and cheerful and sometimes it drove Arthur to throwing things at him to make him stop. Not that it worked, not that Arthur really wanted it to. It was more a game than anything else, although he wasn't sure Merlin knew that.

Still, Arthur would have expected Merlin to be laughing and tripping over his own feet and sneaking drinks from Arthur's wine jug when he thought Arthur wasn't looking. And he wasn't – laughing or anything else.

In fact, Arthur didn't know where he was. Not in the tavern because Arthur had snuck a peek in earlier and found no Merlin, but lots of his knights were getting close to roaring drunk and singing the 'fa-la-la-la-la' song which made him beat a hasty retreat. Merlin wasn't mucking out the stables or helping with the laundry or setting up the tables for the feast tomorrow. Even Gaius just shook his head and then listed all the places that Arthur had already checked.

Finally, he gave up. Merlin would show up eventually, and at least then, Arthur would be able to mock him for a few days about it.

But he wasn't ready to go back into the hall and smile and pretend that he wasn't melancholy about missing his mum.

Instead, sneaking past all the bustle and noise, he made it to his chambers without anyone stopping him, and with a long sigh, closed the door behind him.

Merlin was kneeling by the fireplace, tending the fire, going about his chores in silence. Arthur could hear the wood crackle and pop as the logs settled in, but it was too quiet without Merlin's chatter.

"I was looking for you everywhere. Where were you?"

As Arthur moved further into the room, he couldn't help but notice that Merlin brushed his sleeve across his face, and his shoulders slumped as if in defeat.

Arthur was not good with feelings. Often, they were so overwhelming that he'd say or do the wrong thing and then everyone would blame him for it. So, it was best to say nothing at all, to ignore the emotions that seemed to well up whenever something was bothering him and put a stoic face on it.

But with Merlin, Arthur couldn't seem to do that. Merlin made him feel too much, and Arthur was always at a loss on how to deal with it. Like now.

Merlin's voice shook a little. "I was getting wood. Sorry it took so long. I needed to… I needed to help Gaius with some errands."

That was a lie. Gaius said nothing about errands. But it was pretty clear that Merlin was upset. It was also clear Merlin wasn't going to tell him what was wrong.

"All excited about Yule? There's going to be a feast and dancing and… music." Not that Arthur wanted to hear that song again, but everyone else did and he'd not begrudge them their fun. "You get the night off, you know, much to my dismay. After all, who will serve me at table?" When Merlin just shrugged, Arthur said, "Oh, wait, I'll have someone who won't spill the wine in my lap half a dozen times."

Usually, Merlin would be spitting annoyance at that, and Arthur could have had some fun winding him up. Instead, he stared into the fire, sniffing a little and brushing at his face with another swipe of his sleeve. It took a while, but Merlin finally said, "If that will be all, my lord, I have to… go."

He'd deny it to his dying day, but Arthur could never stand to see Merlin hurting.

As Merlin started to get up, Arthur's hand brushed across Merlin's shoulder and pushed down a little bit. Merlin fought him a second, then gave in, sitting back down. He still wasn't looking at Arthur, though.

Arthur plopped down beside him, their shoulders almost touching. "Stay awhile. I'm not ready to face that caterwauling out in the main hall."

A little huff, more laughter than tears, and Merlin said, "Not fond of 'fa-la-la-la-la'?"

"The first dozen times, it was ignorable, even enjoyable. After that, I just wanted to find wax and wool and stuff it in my ears until Yule was over." Arthur glanced over at Merlin. The man was blinking back tears, and yes there was a little smile on his face, too. "Hang on a moment. I'll be right back."

Getting up, he grabbed the wine pitcher and two goblets and sat back down again, closer to Merlin than before. As he poured out the wine and gave Merlin a glass, he said, "Drink up. If I have to listen to that song one more time, I'll need fortification."

Looking down at the goblet a moment, Merlin took several large gulps, then gestured for more. "Fortification, it is."

Arthur knew Merlin was a lightweight and rarely drank so this was new. Arthur took it a bit more slowly, but he did top off Merlin's. Perhaps it was just what Merlin needed.

"So, did you celebrate Yule in Ealdor?" Arthur said.

Merlin sent him a half-hearted glare, then shook his head. "We aren't savages, clotpole. It's a lot more sedate because we've nothing to waste, not like you lot, but Mum always made sure to make something special for Yule and Will…." Merlin stopped at that, turning away. It took a few moments before Merlin said, "he loved that damn song."

Oh, dear. Will, who'd died in the battle with Kanen a few months back. Will, Merlin's best friend in Ealdor.

Arthur took another gulp of wine. It looked like he'd have to deal with emotions after all. "I can order them to stop singing it. If you want."

"I…." Merlin stared at Arthur a moment, then shook his head. "I'd still hear it… in my head even if you did. But thanks… for the offer." Merlin's goblet was empty, and he waggled it a little bit. Against his better judgment, Arthur poured him more, but only half full.

"How is Hunith doing? You know, you could have invited her here for the celebration."

Merlin looked off, into the firelight. He was swaying a little, stumbling over his words as he said, "Mum's…, I miss her. She thought she'd be… ummm, a burden, and… ummm, not welcome after the king was so mad at you for helping… at… at… ummm Ealdor." Turning then, Merlin surprised Arthur, leaning his head against Arthur's chest. He could hardly hear Merlin as he murmured, "He… shouldn't… have… thrown you in the dungeon like that. It was… my fault. 'M sorry."

Arthur didn't know what to do, so he put his arm around Merlin and held him close. Into Merlin's hair, Arthur whispered, "Merlin, don't be. It was my decision and mine alone. You shouldn't even think that it was your fault."

"My… fault… Will died." Merlin said, then made a choking sound as if trying to hold off grief.

Arthur's arm tightened around him. "Merlin, it wasn't. He died protecting me. He was a hero."

Merlin shook his head but didn't look up, just seemed to burrow deeper into Arthur's hug. "He… was… an idiot. He should have…. I should have…." And then Merlin did start crying, great wailing clumps of it, in between babbling some nonsense about magic and then wanting his mum.

Not knowing what to do, Arthur decided to ride it out, patting Merlin on the back once in a while, holding him close, rocking him a bit as he'd seen others do when confronted with grief.

It took a while. Arthur's tunic was soaked, and Merlin looked blotchy and he kept wiping his nose on his sleeve – which wasn't a good look, but it wasn't the time for mockery, so Arthur said nothing.

Finally, Merlin stopped, then looked at Arthur and his wet shirt and said, "Oh, I've… I'll clean it right away, sire." He tried to get up, but the wine was making him unsteady, and Arthur wasn't about to let him go just yet anyway.

Pulling him back down, Arthur said, "I miss my mum, too, loads of times, but during Yule, it's especially hard. It was her favourite time of year." Merlin just blinked at him, so Arthur ruffled Merlin's hair a little. It was a good thing Merlin shut up because it was hard enough to admit feelings without Merlin interrupting him. "She loved that song, too, the one Will… the 'fa-la-la-la-la' one. Or so I've been told."

"We used… to sing… it together, from the roof… old Man Simmon's barn." Merlin gave a little giggle, then slumped in Arthur's hold. He looked like he was getting sleepy. "They'd… throw snowballs… at us. Just made… us… louder."

"My father won't let me sing it. He's not happy, but he lets the others do it, just to keep the peace."

Merlin patted Arthur's knee, then closed his eyes a moment. Arthur let him slide out of his arms, onto the fur rug next to the fire. Merlin settled in, looking all loose-limbed and comfortable, and Arthur lay down on his side next to him, watching Merlin relax.

Arthur said, softly, "Would you like me to sing it to you?"

Merlin just smiled. "Fa-la-la-la-la."

As Merlin fell silent, looking happier than he'd in weeks, Arthur started to sing. By the time he got to the refrain, 'For him and his warmest friend, Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la', Merlin was already asleep. Arthur leaned down and gave Merlin's cheek a gentle kiss.

He hoped that next year it would be a joyful holiday after all.