A/N: Donnie's my bias right now (since I wrote a lot from his perspective recently), but I love all the turtles, I promise! This fic has angst before healing, so just be warned. Inspired by the 2007 film TMNT and by the song "Threads" from the show Carole & Tuesday sung by Nai & Celeina Ann. All the songs in that show are golden, and such an inspiration. They're also a great writer's block cure! This fic will be a two-parter. I hope you enjoy reading! :)

"In the light of morning

I left my bed and street

Pass the park and bench

Where we no longer meet."

- From the song "Threads", Carole & Tuesday, sung by Nai & Celeina Ann

There was a time in his life when Donatello could still recognize Raphael. A time when his sharp eyes expelled unabashed laughter and his broad green shoulders allowed hugs. He hadn't yet created the Nightwatcher as a bitter silent rebuttal to the world. There was a time when he still wanted to be a part of what remained of the family.

Donnie knows that it's his fault that Raphael is like this in the first place, and the guilt still weighs down on him like iron.

It's been a while since the fight. Words flew like rogue flames between the two of them, and then Raph left. That was 2 years, 5 months, and 13 days ago.

The Nightwatcher appeared shortly after that, and Donnie wasn't stupid. April was the reporter covering him, and as her cameraman, Casey got just the right shots, both working to promote this mysterious new defender of the city. Within a few days, Donnie confronted their human friends about it and immediately, April and Casey conceded.

"I didn't want to ask Raph, but something happened between the two of you, right?" April had asked, observant as ever.

Donnie doesn't know the right formulas for people, much less for Raphael. He doesn't even know who he is, now that everything has changed so much about their family. So maybe that's why during this conversation, all he had said was, "Something, I guess."

Casey, for once, hadn't had his hands shoved in his pockets to slouch away from the world. Instead, he'd looked worried. "You tell 'im to book it or somethin'?"

"No," Donnie said, his voice rising. "He chose to go."

Since then Donnie started keeping tabs on his vigilante brother. Every so often Donnie will help Raphael with a lead on a new mission by sending word to April, who'll tell Casey, who'll subtly give the tip to Raph in the least suspicious way possible. Donnie knows to be careful. If Raphael ever learns of this system, he'll surely be upset that Donnie is trying to have something to do with him and his business. Knowing him, Raphael's retaliation will be to confront him - or worse, just disappear.

Donnie doesn't recognize Raphael anymore, his brother who is the Nightwatcher: cold and hard and distant. But he still clings to him, holding on with everything he's got, because if he doesn't, he'll drown.

Donnie knocks on Mikey's door twice before promptly sliding it open with his foot. The inside of Mikey's bedroom is spotless, which wouldn't have set such a pit of emptiness in Donnie's stomach three and a half years ago - 3 years, 6 months, and 2 days ago, to be exact. Donnie longs for the version of Mikey whose room was wild and messy and bold and unafraid to live.

Bishop only had held Mikey hostage for a few days that time three and a half years ago, but when Donnie and Raphael had gotten him back - something about their youngest had already shriveled and died.

Mikey's eyes are glazed, his circles under them dark and pronounced, and he's staring at nothing in particular when Donnie sets the breakfast tray on the nightstand.

"Good morning, Mikey," Donnie starts gently.

Mikey shrieks at the sound of his voice. Donnie barely has time to think, This is another episode - before Mikey is kicking back, jumping away and crashing his shell against the wall behind him.

From the violent motion, the tray tips, and falls off the nightstand. Two slices of toast and one dash of strawberry jam hit the floor. Donnie stands there, wondering why he didn't catch it. He could have easily, and yet, his body feels like not his own as he stares at the fallen breakfast. He was supposed to feel remorse, he supposes. Maybe an urge to gasp as the food fell. But he feels nothing. It's not dissimilar to how he feels when he's sitting at his desk, working his job as an IT tech support and there's a customer on the other end who is freaking out about their computer not turning on. He doesn't feel annoyed, or sad, or anything. He doesn't allow himself to, because the moment the gates are opened, he'll feel everything at once. Is this what not having a family does to a person - or turtle?

Donnie turns to Mikey, who is curled into a corner, staring up at him blankly. Now he feels like a real piece of work for scaring his brother, so there's that. Gently, Donnie reaches out towards him.

From the corner of his room, Mikey flinches.

Donnie tries to imagine what Mikey is seeing. He knows that in Mikey's brain, in place of Donnie, there's someone or something completely different. Something that scares him. Donnie remembers researching and explaining it to Raph three and a half years ago, that Mikey's mind is still wherever Bishop sent him with the augmented reality machine they'd found him tangled up in before they saved him.

Stacks of books on neuroscience and post traumatic stress disorders and anything that had anything to do with whatever was wrong with Mikey had filled Donnie's room, and he remembered the last time Raph stood in his room to talk to him was around that time.

"What are you saying, Don?" Raph had hissed at him during one of his all-nighters. "That Mikey's broken or something?"

Donnie couldn't look into the distraught eyes of his big brother. This was what Donnie is supposed to be good at. At fixing things. But this was something that wasn't in any of the books, and he couldn't figure it out, because nothing was helping Mikey. Broken? Maybe Donnie was the one who was broken. He didn't have an answer back then, and he still doesn't now.

Keeping his voice soft, Donnie gets on his hands and knees and crawls towards his brother. "Mikey, it's me. Donnie, remember?"

Slowly, Mikey blinks, and the clouds clear up a little from his eyes. When he speaks, it's low, as if he's afraid to provoke the air he breathes.

"Donnie. Right. Sorry, dude. Thought you were... I was dreaming..."

Donnie reaches out and touches Mikey's hand. Mikey focuses on it, then looks up at Donnie, blinking hard, like he can't figure him out.

"Dude, are you really here?"

"Yes, Mikey."

"But Bishop… has me. He has me, Donnie. You and Raph and Leo and Dad aren't real. Nothing he shows me is real."

"Yeah, but," Donnie swallows hard. "We saved you, remember? You haven't seen Bishop in years. Yesterday you sat in the living room watching TV. Remember?"

Mikey frowns, like he's trying to remember. "Was Dad there?"

"No, Dad… died a long time ago, remember?" Donnie's voice is still soft, but it shakes at the reminder that everyone is gone. All Mikey has is him, and while Donnie knows a lot about a lot of things, he doesn't know how to keep a family together or how to be a good brother or how to be a leader or how to fix anything anymore. He's selfish and prideful and always thinks about himself first, even if it's not about him. Even now, he's plagued by his own insecurities while Mikey is the one dealing with a lot more. Focus, Donnie. "Did you sleep at all?"

Mikey's guilty expression reveals all. He scratches the back of his head, his orange mask missing and reminding Donnie a lot of their childhood days, when everything was warm and good, a smile from any one of his brothers just around the corner, free of charge and one hundred percent genuine.

Donnie pulls Mikey up to his feet and steps back. "Try to get some shut-eye, Mikey."

"I kept dreaming... about something awful," Mikey explains dejectedly, and climbs back to his bed, pulling the covers up to his shoulders.

"Again?" Donnie asks, and kneels down to clean up the breakfast mess.

"It's never really the same," Mikey mutters, and his eyes flutter shut. "This one had Leo's katanas."

Leo's… katanas. That's.. oddly specific. Donnie dreams about Leo too, sometimes. He dreams about the day that Leo left - 3 years, 9 months, and 23 days ago - and in Donnie's dreams, in his imagination, instead of making him the leader, he makes Raph the leader. That's what should have happened instead, and Donnie dreams of an alternate path where Raph isn't so angry and Donnie doesn't sit patrol out that night to work on his day job stuff so Mikey never gets taken by Bishop.

But things didn't happen that way. Leo had made Donnie the leader, and Leo had left. Donnie and Raph had fallen out. That had been the problem. Donnie had been the problem. Some leader he turned out to be. Not only was there not a team, but there was no family, either.

Maybe Donnie is desperate to bring back the past, or maybe he's just plain cruel, but he has a question for his sleepy little brother.

"Do you want to go to the surface later today and help me find some cool stuff in the junkyard? Like when we were kids?"

Donnie isn't sure what to expect, but when Mikey's eyes open in a frenzied panic, stiffening at the suggestion like Donnie's disowning him, it's clear that it wasn't the right move. His baby blue eyes shine with tears, and Donnie wishes he could stuff his stupid question back into his mouth and into his stupid brain where it had spawned.

"I - I'm, I - Donnie, you know that I can't - I can't go, go back up there - " Donnie shushes him immediately, regretful for asking.

Terror lives in Mikey's eyes. Despite how many times Donnie has asked, Mikey seems to have an inexplicable fear of the surface. What he's scared of up there, Donnie has no clue.

"It's fine, it's fine, I'm sorry, Mikey. You don't have to."

"I'm sorry, Donnie," Mikey says in a small, dull voice, and Donnie stands up quickly, turning around with the tray really fast because he's feeling like he has his bo staff lodged in his throat.

Donnie's hands shake as he carries the tray back to the kitchen. He can feel a headache incoming, something he developed from spending hours on a computer screen, talking to customers. As he fixes himself some tea over the stove, he glances up to see the news channel from the television in the living room replaying the latest story of Manhattan's mysterious midnight serial killer. The Slasher. A few days ago, April and Casey told Donnie that Raphael was searching for the killer.

Donnie makes a mental note to find a lead for Raphael to pass on to April. Maybe the Slasher is part of a larger organization. The tea kettle whistles, so Donnie goes about finding his mug. But when he turns, he freezes.

"Donatello," Raphael says, and Donnie tries to not flinch.

There was a time in his life when Donnie could still recognize Raphael. Not to say that his brother has stopped being a turtle in the past two years. But now Donnie is faced with an emotionless stance and bitter eyes. His presence is like ice, where it used to exist like fire.

Donnie isn't sure what is scarier: the coldness Raphael has come to represent, or the fact that Donnie is the reason he's become this way.

Raphael doesn't usually come to the lair though - only to visit Mikey - and even then, barely ever talks to Donnie. The surprise stills Donnie from even using his tongue. Raphael's figure has changed a little since he last saw him, and his slightly more muscular build takes up the majority of the path through the kitchen, his eyes dark and cold.

"Raphael," Donnie finally says. "Hi. What are you - what're you doing here?"

"Relax," Raph grunted, a layer of indignation coating his voice. "I'm not staying long."

"I wasn't trying to - !" Donnie sharply cuts himself off as he hears his voice rising. "Look, Raphael. I'm sorry. You're always welcome here."

Raph snorts at that, rolling his eyes, and Donnie takes note of how many small fresh cuts litter the red-clan turtle's face. Donnie stares at them, wondering how in the hell his brother let himself get scraped up in the face. He resists the urge to grab the first-aid box and order Raphael to sit. Raphael is not one to be ordered. He'll push back, and then he'll push away.

Donnie forces his hands to stay at his sides before they start reaching for Raphael.

"Where's Mikey?" Raphael asks. "How is he?"

"In his room. He's sleeping. Had a rough night last night," Donnie replies, and then adds, "I'm still searching, you know."

Raphael just looks at him sideways. Like there's not this big elephant in the room.

"I just wanted to let you know," says Donnie. "I haven't given up. I won't, ever."

Raphael nods, but it's only once, as if its sole purpose is to recognize that Donnie's words are meaningless. It's a blow to Donnie's pride, or whatever's left of it. Their fight two years ago knocked Donnie down, but he's done most of the damage on his self esteem since then himself.

Pathetic, Donnie thinks. I'm pathetic. I couldn't save Father from his heart attack, I couldn't convince Leo to take all of us with him, I couldn't save Mikey -

Donnie is so lost in his own poisonous thoughts and emotional floundering that he doesn't hear what Raphael is saying until his brother drops the words "April" and "finding leads" and "the Slasher."

It's enough to pull Donnie back, and he searches Raphael's eyes in panic. He hasn't figured out that Donnie's been helping him, has he?

"Wh-what?"

Raphael glares at him with a hardness that makes Donnie see the Nightwatcher and not his brother. His headache pulses through his temples. Raphael's eyes soften a fraction, and there's a sliver of confused concern in his voice when he speaks next.

"Are you feeling okay?"

"It's nothing, it's just a headache," Donnie says. "You said something about the Slasher?"

"I could use a lead on him," Raphael replies, setting a hand on one of his sais that sit at the ready on his belt. "April refused to ask for me."

Donnie stares at him. "You… want my help?"

Raphael growls at Donnie. "Forget it, then."

Just like that, the Nightwatcher turns, as if this conversation is like holding his breath underwater and he couldn't wait to get to the surface and leave. Donnie is met with the full sight of Raphael's shell as he walks away, and the desperation surges.

Don't go.

"Wait - what? Where are you going?" Donnie cries.

Please stay.

Raphael doesn't respond, continuing to walk. But Donnie is every bit a ninja as his brothers, and suddenly he's in front of Raphael, blocking the Nightwatcher's path, and puts a hand on his plastron.

"You can't just come here and then leave, Raphael. I haven't talked to you in forever. You left on bad terms - "

"Oh, not this. I don't have anything to talk about with you."

Shoving him aside, Raphael reaches the tunnels.

"Raphael, don't - " Donnie's breath hitches on the words, but he pushes through. "Don't leave me. I need you here."

Raphael's laugh is dry. "Leo left you in charge. You're the new leader."

"And I feel that was a bad call too, because I'm going insane with trying to figure out what's wrong with Mikey. Be my guest to bring it up with Leo when he gets back and - "

"Leo's gone, Donnie," Raphael snaps back harshly. "He left us, for good. He doesn't want anything to do with us anymore."

"But - "

"I looked all over for him, and when I found him, Donnie? He wasn't even recognizable. Do you know what that's like?"

All the emotions then cloud over Raphael's face, years of pain coming into the light. Donnie closes the gap between him and his brother, and doesn't stop himself from reaching out to cup the side of Raphael's head to see that pain up close, to take some of its burden away from his brother. It may be his imagination, but Raphael leans into the touch. At least he doesn't pull away.

"You saw Leo recently?" Donnie asks.

Raphael nods. "Last year. He was in the middle of some - I don't even know what kind of mission. But he didn't want to come home. Barely wanted to talk to me. He… he attacked me. I don't… if I didn't know any better, I'd say he wasn't our brother."

"That can't be right," Donnie says. "He'd want to come home. He's Leo."

"I don't know what he is."

"We should bring him back home. Talk to him."

Raphael pushes Donnie's hand away. "You can go and try that. I'm not going to."

Donnie knows that Raphael resents him for being named leader and blames him for Mikey's delusioned mental state. But he can't watch his family rip apart anymore than it already has.

"Raphael, please cooperate with me. We're stronger with Leo, and we never leave each other behind. Do you really think Leo would do that to us?"

"You don't know what he's like now. And you don't want to know, trust me."

"But, Raphael!"

"And you know what? Maybe this is for the best. After all, we've lived in Leo's shadow our whole lives!"

"No, we haven't. That's ridiculous."

"Maybe you haven't noticed, but I have. Maybe that's why you don't get it."

Donnie frowns. "Yeah, I don't get the Nightwatcher thing. I don't get how it's become your whole life and me and Mikey are basically your old pair of socks."

If the comment bothers Raphael, he doesn't let it show on his face. "The point of the Nightwatcher is to protect. To help. Unlike you, who just sits around on his tail all day to do some crummy IT job."

"We need money!" Donnie exclaims.

"Look, if that helps you sleep at night? Fine. I don't want to argue with you all day about how I live my life. I didn't even want to come here. Just tell me if you get a lead on the whole Slasher thing."

Raphael's eyes are full of irritation and his mouth zips itself into a straight line. This conversation is over, and he steps away from Donnie, putting on his cold Nightwatcher face, the one devoid of any emotion, the one Donnie hates so much. Donnie knows that he's the reason Raphael left two years ago. He knows fighting isn't going to solve anything. But he's angry, and nothing he says will get Raphael to stay. So he shoves against Raphael's plastron, barely pushing him back at all.

"Fine! Go, then! Be the Nightwatcher! Keep brooding and sulking, but just know that you're doing the same thing as Leo, you - you asinine - hotheaded - infuriating - "

Something shatters in distance, and it sounds like Mikey's waking up, scared of something, maybe the noise. Raphael's eyes move up with a twinge of concern, past Donnie. Donnie, for his part, doesn't budge. Three years of Mikey's condition has normalized a few things that shouldn't be normal at all.

"You going to get that?"

Donnie steps back. "I hate you," he says before he can really stop and think about his words. He regrets it the moment he says it. Maybe he wants to feel like he's the one pushing Raphael away, because it'll hurt less when Raphael does the same to them. Raphael's eyes reveal nothing. Donnie knows he should apologize profusely, but he's still clinging to his pride, even now.

He doesn't apologize, but he amends his statement, in a smaller voice. "I hate that you're leaving."

It's not good, but at the moment it's something. Raphael leaves without a word, leaving Donnie alone.

The next few days, Mikey stays below the surface, Raphael stays above it, and Donnie weaves his way between the two worlds. The Slasher kills a few more people, and its all over the news like before. Witnesses who have seen a glimpse of the Slasher describe him as a monster, not human at all. Donnie notes the serial killer's strange habit of destroying anything between him and his target with his weapons. The cameras can never get footage of the Slasher, but from his work it is apparent that he uses swords to slash through his obstacles.

Donnie accidentally finds a lead for Raphael on the Slasher while on a stealth mission of his own.

Bishop's secret lab is not hard to find, especially with Donnie's smarts and deductive reasoning. Donnie's infiltrates Bishop's lab - which is stationed in an old TCRI facility a few miles away - with ease and finds what he's looking for: a flash drive of information on Bishop's illegal projects of psychological experimentation on live animals… and mutants. It's disgusting, but Donnie doesn't see any more test subjects when he sneaks around the lab once more, and decides to head home.

It feels like someone is following him as he runs through the night, on the rooftops of the city, but the feeling disperses soon. Donnie's too busy thinking about what he knows, his mind already fitting the pieces together.

The Slasher uses weapons like Leo's katanas. Mikey noticed it first, from the news, and it was incorporated into his dreams. Bishop's lab, not having any test subjects. Why? Is he hiding them somewhere else? Has he given up? The way Raphael described Leo as unrecognizable, hostile towards family, even after years… something's up.

Donnie plugs in the flash drive into his computer in the lair, settling down in the living room. He opens it and immediately finds files upon files of research and experiments - all related to hypnotics.

Donnie sits back, surprise overcoming him. He expected to see something on drugs or something. Hypnotism, though?

Why would Bishop want to hypnotize anyone? Suddenly what's wrong with Mikey and why nothing's been able to cure him makes sense now. Bishop placed something in Mikey's head, some kind of mental imaging trick - Donnie's breath catches in his throat. Of course. The Slasher, whose actions appear jolted and odd - maybe he's one of Bishop's test subjects.

Crazier things have happened.

The mystery almost solved, Donnie picks up his phone to call Raphael, but when he turns around, someone is already behind him, and has been standing there for who knows how long. Donnie sees the stranger's face and feels his own grow stony and cold.

The Slasher is Leo.

There's not a lot that Donnie can do to block Leo's hits, to dodge his motions. Leo's in for the kill, unaware of anything himself, shrouded by whatever monster he sees instead of Donnie. The hypnotism is different in Leo, much more intentional and runs deep, not as random as Mikey's. There's a shout - Donnie doesn't remember what he says to Leo - but it's all done too fast, and Donnie sees the blood before he really feels the pain of their father's katanas going through his plastron, through skin.

Donnie hits the floor and can only stare up at Leo, who he hasn't seen in years.

He's really missed him. It's not much of a reunion, though.

Leo leaves, and for that Donnie is grateful, because he's not sure he can get up to protect Mikey. Mikey's safe. The flash drive is still in the computer - clearly Leo's hypnotic instructions aren't specific enough to get him to take it back. There's some level of a victory like this, even if it hurts and Donnie's going to die like this.

Years of memories - Raph's teenage sarcasm, Leo's exasperated sighs, Mikey's shrieks of joy - echo through the lair, heard only through Donnie's mind.

Coldness creeps into his arms, each passing second taking a bit of his body heat with it.

As Donnie lies on the floor, his blood sinking into the carpet, he thinks of Raph, and how he's never going to get the chance to tell him that he's sorry.