Originally posted on ao3

There's no reason to stay at the hospital now that Spenser has been airlifted out, so Blackburn sends them all back to the hotel with orders to clean up and get some rest so they can regroup in the morning.

Easier said than done.

Jason knows he won't be able to fall asleep anytime soon. He tells Ray he'll be upstairs in a bit, figuring his friend will want to call Naima and wanting to give him some privacy to have that heavy conversation.

Instead of heading inside, Jason takes a walk around the block, not ready to be cooped up just yet.

It's remarkably quiet.

Peaceful.

It's hard to believe that just a few hours ago, and only about a mile away, their world exploded.

Jason's having a hard time wrapping his head around it.

He expects the danger when they're on a mission. Or training. Or hell, even traveling.

But this night? This night should have been safe.

Relatively speaking, the whole deployment should have been.

And Jason needed safe right now. Craved it. He had welcomed the easy deployment. Even looked forward to it.

His life for the last couple years has felt like one of those roundabouts he remembers from the playground when he was a kid. It spins faster and faster and you run as fast as you can to jump on but can't ever quite catch up, afraid you're going to get hurt trying to jump or that you'll just be left behind completely.

He just needs time to slow down so he can make sense of things again.

And things were starting to look a bit better.

Sure, there's the money-for-college issue and the troubles with command and whatever the hell's been going on with Ray.

But there's been a lot of good too.

While he has a hard time articulating it, Jason is damn proud of Emma – how she's handled herself the last year, picked up the slack at home. That she set a goal and achieved it. He feels the same about Davis going off to OCS and likes to think her time with Bravo gave her the confidence to pursue that dream.

And then there's the team. They've been more operationally cohesive as a unit recently than he can remember them being in a long time. He knows they're the best; would put them up against any other team to prove it.

But it's more than their ability. It's the respect they have for each other, the friendship.

This deployment should have been a time for them to relax a bit, take a break from the shit show that has been the last couple years.

Instead, they managed to find themselves in yet another nightmare.

But this time? They had no armor, no weapons, no enemy to fight, no way to stop the devastation.

They were vulnerable civilians. That isn't something any of them are used to, and it's deeply unsettling.

Jason's just about to head inside when he sees a familiar figure sitting on the hotel patio.

He approaches the Texan slowly, gives Sonny's shoulder a squeeze and hears the man inhale a deep breath. He takes a seat across from him at the round table.

They're alone and it's quiet, but Jason's ears are still ringing from the blasts, like he's just gotten home from a concert that was too loud.

Sonny won't look up at him. He's gnawing on his ever-present toothpick and intently picking at his fingernail. But he doesn't seem bothered by the company, so Jason waits.

Sonny doesn't really do well on his own. He can drink too much, get into trouble. He's definitely better off when he's focused, with his brothers. He thrives when they're on deployment. Seems kind of lost when they're home.

But there's been a change in Sonny recently. Jason hasn't been able to peg what it is, but it's definitely real. The Texan seems less brash, more centered. Like he's matured.

"He has the key," Sonny finally breaks the silence, quiet enough that Jason struggles to hear him.

"What?" He asks, leaning forward in his chair.

"The key card for our room," Sonny replies shakily. "Clay has it. I didn't bother bringing mine since I knew we'd be coming back together."

Well, shit. If that isn't a punch to the gut.

Jason swallows, steadies his voice. "Sonny, we can get you a key."

The other man is shaking his head before Jason can even finish the sentence.

"I don't think I can go in. His stuff is in there," Sonny finally looks up at Jason with red-rimmed eyes before continuing. "His cheesy motivational t-shirts and his stupid girly shampoo. His protein power shakes or whatever the fuck he calls them. Shit, I'm pretty sure there's a book on the nightstand. A book!" he chokes out on a sad laugh.

"There's too much of him in that room," he continues softly. "I don't think he made his bed..."

Sonny trails off, and Jason doesn't know what to say. He knows the two men have become close friends. Hard to believe really, considering the contentious relationship they had when Spenser first joined the team.

"Fuck, Jace. How did this happen?" Sonny asks brokenly.

"I don't know. But we're going to figure it out. And we're gonna make it right."

Sonny sniffs, nods.

"I was talking to him right before it happened," Jason says. "He was talking about you. How nearly losing you put things in perspective for him. Solidified his dedication to this life. He said something about us all being one beating heart. That we're better than brothers."

Sonny smiles sadly.

"Sonny, whatever happens – whether he comes back to Bravo or not, whether he can operate again or not – he'll always be our brother. And we are better together. And he's gonna need us."

Sonny wipes his eyes, nods emphatically. "Whatever he needs," he says. "Anything."

A bark pulls their attention to the hotel entrance, where they see the rest of the team heading their way.

Life is still spinning too fast, and Jason still feels like he's barely holding on for the ride.

But tonight, he's going to turn it all off to focus on the four men in front of him.

His brothers.

And tomorrow?

Tomorrow, they'll get payback for the one who's missing.