The Cheesy Musical
Episode One, Satire Season Seven
By blackore
Dire Warnings:
1) Spoilers alert for anything and everything in the
Xena: Warrior Princess series to date.
2) This satirical script involves
maintext-subtext, filked songs and bad jokes.
3) It takes place a month after
A Friend In Need II.
Scene 1: Another Sunny Day in the Desert
EXT. DESERT. DAY.
It is a sunny day in the Egyptian desert. Naturally. Gabrielle, skimpily dressed in her bikini/mini skirt 'fighting costume' of choice is skipping across sand dunes while twirling her sais. Suddenly, the ghost of Xena appears before her and gazes at her reproachfully. Close-up on the incredible blueness of those reproachfully gazing blue eyes.
XENA (reproachfully)
Gabrielle!
GABRIELLE
Hi Xena! Whatcha doin' here?
XENA
I'm dead, Gabrielle, consigned to eternity as a ghost, which you seem to have forgotten. Where else do you expect me to go?
GABRIELLE
Ah yes. It's all coming back to me now... She runs to the top of the nearest sand dune, whirls around while a passing helicopter does an overhead shot, much like the effect at the beginning of The Sound of Music and bursts into song to the tune of Celine Dion's power ballad, It's All Coming Back To Me.
GABRIELLE SINGING
All those nights when I have slept alone
And my body froze
because
My warrior pillow was away
in death's dimension
XENA (aghast)
A Celine Dion power ballad? Is that really necessary?
GABRIELLE SINGING
All those days when the sun burned me red
'cause I just can't reach
to put
tan-lotion on my back 'cause
Xena is in 'heaven'
XENA
You know I hate power ballads when I don't get to sing them. Can't we just talk your issues out?
GABRIELLE SINGING
I finished crying when the sun went down that day
'cause the credits
rolled and our series was cut
and I can't believe you up and died
without a better plan!
XENA (uncomfortably)
Well, the one hundred and sixty billion lost souls and all that, Gabrielle. C'mon, cut me some slack.
Xena gives the bard/warrior/blond/redhead an intense/pleading/puppy-dog stare which the camera does a close up of. Gabrielle opens her mouth to sing the chorus and…
* * *
...Cut to opening theme song as we hear Xena's relived, "thank the gods!"
in the background. The footage and voiceover have changed slightly.
"In a time of ancient gods"
A picture of a god-shaped silhouette with a question mark
superimposed over it fills the tv screen.
"ex-warlords"
Evil Xena leers evilly while licking the blood off her handy
breast dagger.
"and emperors"
Caesar is brutally stabbed by Brutas and Co.
"a whole lot of lands in turmoil cried out for a hero"
Quick shifting footage of Xena and Gabrielle in various national
costumes: Greek, Indian, British, Danish, Chinese, Japanese etc.
"she was Xena"
Evil Xena leers evilly as she makes a come hither gesture while
staring directly into the camera.
"a formidable seductress"
Xena slithers forward dressed only in gold chains as per
fashionable Egyptian slave-wear.
"forged in the heat of battle"
Evil Xena runs her hand suggestively up and down her sword
blade.
"the power"
Xena flexes her bicep and Gabrille runs her hand over it
admiringly.
"the passion"
Quick shifting footage of Xena and Gabrielle in their many 'we
are kissing but you can explain it away if you try really hard' scenes.
"the danger"
Crazy Xena spins her chakram on her finger as though it's a
basketball.
"her carnage will maim the world"
Xena slices off the body parts of various 'bad guys'. Ends with
Xena twirling her sword impressively only to be shoved out of the way by
Gabrielle, twirling her sais impressively. An irate Xena bearhugs Gabrielle
from behind and the footage freezeframes while the title, Xena:
Formidable Seductress superimposes over the top.
* * *
XENA (looks appropriately shocked)
Small changes they said. Spice up the series they said. I'm not a hero, they're making me out to be a har…
GABRIELLE (interrupts)
I can't believe it's still all about you. I'm your light, your source, your friggin' salvation and all I get is to be in on some gratuitous subtext scenes and to run my hand over your bicep. It's like I'm only your sidekick!
XENA
You are only…er, you are my only sidekick. Honest to ex-gods. Gabrielle comes down from her sand dune to stand nose to breastplate with Xena. Glaring up at the warrior she pokes her in said breastplate.
GABRIELLE
Don't humour me, Xena. Either I'm the air your breath or I'm just easy on the eyes. Pick carefully, oh formidable seductress!
XENA
So I'm guessing you still have sidekick issues. Can't we deal with the whole 'I'm dead and still haven't come back' thing first? I need to sing a reciprocal song.
GABRIELLe (starting to rant)
And that's another thing! How come you get to sing and I get to be dubbed? Huh?
XENA
My great voice is one of my many skills whereas yours…
GABRIELLe (warningly)
Don't say it.
XENA
Fine. I'll sing it.
She whistles for Argo who magically runs out from behind the sand dune. Xena mounts, offers Gabrielle a hand up, ignores the bard's proffered finger and hauls her up. As they ride along with the wind machines streaming Xena's long and lustrous hair out behind her she begins to sing to the tune of Divinyls', I Touch Myself.XENA SINGING
I have a show
I want you to see it
I need a sidekick
I want
you to be it
I fight for good
I want you beside me
And in all the ads
I
want you to ride me
GABRIELLE
This isn't helping, Xena. This is making it worse.
XENA
Hang on, you haven't heard the chorus.
XENA SINGING
I don't want any of this fame
All I want is Gabby to scream my
name
I don't want…
GABRIELLE
Enough! I can't listen to this. All I ask is for a little credit, a little romance and a live soulmate instead of a dead one and what do I get? She jumps off Argo's back and is miraculously uninjured. Xena reigns in Argo on a pin, which is one of her many skills.
XENA
Aha! I knew we hadn't dealt with the little issue of me being dead yet! Gabrielle bursts into tears and runs into a conveniently located city.
XENA
Where'd that damned set come from? Gab-bri-elllle!