A/N: If you have read this universe in full before, only about 20% of this fic is going to be new material, and the rest is from the old two chapters of "the world may be tiny but the heart's enormous" which now I have renamed "Memories Sing From Your Dreams". "Memories Sing From Your Dreams" now has a new epilogue that isn't that new, but just a lot shorter than the previous two Coda chapters. I decided to split the Coda chapters from that fic, and put it together with some new scenes in this new fic which covers the events leading to Yong Qi ascending the throne.

To make it easier for people who might have read this before:

Chapter 1: Zhi Hua and Mian Yi. No new material

Chapter 2: Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi meeting Zhu Ying. No new material

Chapter 3: Yu Fei returns to the palace. Also posted as "Preparations" under "Kaleidoscope"

Chapter 4: Zhu Ying. There is a couple of scenes at the beginning of the chapter that is new.

Chapter 5: Except the first section, everything else is new.

Chapter 6: Most of it is new.

Chapter 1: Zhi Hua

It did not take long for An Ran to feel at home at Hui Bin Lou and even less time for Liu Qing, Jin Suo and Liu Hong to insist that she made it her permanent home.

When Hui Bin Lou reopened and Huang Shang unexpectedly showed up, An Ran was glad she had been paying enough attention to the surroundings to glimpse him before everyone else did, and even more fortunately, before he saw her, and slipped away in time. Later, Yong Qi came up and knocked at her door.

"I suppose he had left?" she asked.

Yong Qi gave a small smile and didn't ask who she meant. "Did you see him arrive before?"

"Yes."

"You didn't have to leave."

"Oh, but I did. No matter how…forgiving he may be about my being here, it would still have made things awkward and ruined the mood."

"E'niang – "

"No, Yong Qi, you must not worry about me. Thinking about your father no longer hurts. But that does not mean it would be comfortable for us to meet. It is not how I would feel that I fear. I would just rather not put you in that position, not now."

Yong Qi gave her a searching look. "Are you sure?"

"Of course. Though I am surprised at his being here."

"I think even Huang Ah Ma needs to get away from the palace sometimes."

She smiled while lost in thoughts for a while. "He seemed a lot more laid back than I remembered."

"I think you can attribute that to Xiao Yan Zi as well," Yong Qi replied.

An Ran nodded, and could not help marvel at how extraordinary it was that someone like Xiao Yan Zi could blunder into the palace and not lose her head in the process, but only managed mostly positive effects on people she came in contact with.

"I must go," Yong Qi said.

She patted his cheek. "Yes, it is late, you should go, and do not think too much about it, all right? I know you are good to me and that's all that I need right now."

He squeezed her hand tightly. "Good night, E'niang."

Before and after the wedding, Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi performed simplified versions of the ceremonies privately to An Ran, which meant that those times were actually the least chaotic moments of the few days that surrounded their wedding.

A few months later, An Ran noticed very telling signs when Xiao Yan Zi nonchalantly and steadily made her way through two mandarin oranges in a batch that everyone at Hui Bin Lou had collectively decided were much to sour to eat.

After some attempts at covert questioning which apparently did not alert Xiao Yan Zi to anything, An Ran did not press any further. In some things, the girl could be so incredibly clueless, An Ran thought, more fondly now than she could have imagined six months ago.

She did, however, have a quiet word with Yong Qi before they left.

"Have a physician come and take her pulse when you get back."

"Why?" Yong Qi asked, alarmed. "What's wrong?"

"I strongly suspect nothing is much wrong, but just have a physician look over her in any case."

"E'niang, you're worrying me."

"Don't worry, I don't think it's anything serious, but still worth having a physician come in."

Yong Qi gave her a bewildered look, but she would not elaborate. She was pretty much sure what she suspected was correct, but she would rather Yong Qi had the information from a firmer source.

The next day, Yong Qi came to see her, grinning. An Ran didn't think she had ever seen him so happy.

"Well?"

"How did you know?"

"There were signs. I suppose I should not have expected Xiao Yan Zi to be able to recognise them on her own. Everything is well?"

"Oh yes, very well."

"I am glad for you, my dear."

Despite Xiao Yan Zi's preference for sour things, the baby was not a boy, but a darling little girl with her mother's eyes.

Even before An Ran finally got to meet her a month later, from the way Yong Qi spoke of Zhuang Nan, it was clear that he didn't mind for a moment that the first child was a girl. Then again, they could not yet be desperate for a boy so early.

When the truth that Xiao Jian, Er Kang and Zi Wei have so clearly kept from him and Xiao Yan Zi finally came to light, and confronted with the marriage to Zhi Hua, Yong Qi's enormous reluctance was not just due to his feelings for Xiao Yan Zi, but in great part also due to his mother.

How could he marry Zhi Hua when he knew that by agreeing, all he was doing was putting her in his mother's misery all those years ago?

Yet with Xiao Jian's life in danger, what other choice did he have?

It felt so very painfully hypocritical how much he ended up echoing his father's actions and sympathising with his father's side of his parents' marriage in his own relationship with Zhi Hua.

At the start of it all, he did not intend to worry his mother with the entire mess about the truth behind Xiao Yan Zi's family, and had told Liu Qing and Jin Suo as such, and asked them not to mention anything to her either. He knew he would have to tell her something at some point, but he always imagined it would be when he could get a grasp on the situation himself (whenever that would be).

In the end though, he could not stop himself telling his mother everything mere days after his wedding to Zhi Hua. The truth was, he needed to talk to someone, someone who was not so caught up in everything, someone who would give a clear perspective, someone who, most importantly, would never judge him for what he had or hadn't done. Yet at the same time, there was a dread, because he feared that his mother would sympathise far more with Zhi Hua in this matter.

"You are taking too much on yourself," she told him. "As you said, you clearly did not have a choice in the matter, and you must admit it is not something you ever thought you could have realistically avoided."

"Perhaps, but I also didn't think I needed to be blackmailed into marrying someone either."

For a moment, he wondered if his mother would reproach him for such turn of phrase regarding a decision from Lao Fo Ye, even if in the end, that was what the truth boiled down to.

She didn't, however, and just gave him a small smile. "Would you ever have agreed to marry her or anyone else for any other reason?"

He didn't answer, but they both knew.

Instead, he said, "Even now, I can just see the path in front of me and Zhi Hua so clearly. I feel pain for the way Huang Ah Ma treated you, and resented him for it, but I cannot see a future where I will act very different from that with Zhi Hua. Yet the fact that I know this, and would do it anyway scares me. At the same time, I cannot lie to Zhi Hua about my feelings, because even if I give her hopes once today, she will always be disappointed tomorrow. Either way it will hurt her. I wish it could be avoided but I can't see how. And I am afraid that you will be disappointed at me for it, that after everything I've seen and said and after all that you've been through, I would knowingly put someone else through it all again. You would have every right to feel all of that."

His mother seemed to take a long time considering before she would answer him at all.

"Yong Qi." Her voice was much softer and more tender than he could have expected. He had said all he did while faced away from her, and now, she would not go on until he had turned around to look at her. "You are my son, and I will always be on your side, I will always defend you and support you in all that you do. It is irrational perhaps, contrary perhaps, but I will do it because I love you, I always have and always will."

To An Ran, the look he gave her was so full of feelings that it shouldn't be right. He let out a shaky gasp that denoted just how very close he must be to an emotional breakdown. The fact that he let her see it at all showed just how bad things were.

"I cannot tell you what you should do about Zhi Hua. I will not tell you what you should do. I will tell you, however, you should stop comparing it to your father and me. The fact that you let it bother you this much, the fact that you agonise over it and worry about it, already shows how different you are from your father. Because of that, your decisions will have very different results from how your father ever treated me. Perhaps to you it is the same, perhaps it is the same, on the surface, but the consequences will be different."

"Except that in both cases neither set of consequences are good."

"She knew what she was getting into, didn't she? It was partly her choice."

"She's seventeen," he said bitterly, "she has no idea what she's getting into."

"I suppose not," his mother replied wryly.

The truth was, there was little advice she could offer on the subject. She could see the similarities he spoke of, but she didn't want to think that the only way for him and Zhi Hua was misery either. Perhaps there would never be bliss, but she had to at least hope for some kind of gentler solution. She only hoped one day Zhi Hua would understand the wisdom in not chasing things that would never be hers, even if right now it didn't seem like that was the case. Then again, little girls blind in destructive love rarely saw the world before them in any sensible light.

An Ran could only allow Yong Qi to talk – of his dreads, his fears, of all the things he would not tell Xiao Yan Zi. It gave her no comfort, but what did that matter? She wished she could wrap him up in a bubble and hide him from the world's hurts but the days when that would be appropriate were long gone. This would only be the beginning of the difficulties he would have to face, being in the position that he was. She could not protect him from life, she could only make sure that he knew she would always be there.

"Better?" she asked finally, when it seemed like Yong Qi had poured his heart out all he could.

"Not really," he said. "Maybe just a little bit."

"You are afraid of yourself, of what you would do, but dearest, the fact that you let it bother you so much shows that you will not mistreat her."

"Not physically, perhaps. Maybe emotional neglect is the far worse thing to do. Do you blame me?"

"For things outside your control?"

"For knowing the emotional burdens I am putting on Zhi Hua and will always put on her in the future, for knowing how much she suffers because I see it in you for so long, and not doing anything about it."

She sighed. "It is so easy to assign blame in the game of the hearts, yet also so very useless. It achieves nothing. I have learnt this, and the fact that even with blame, you cannot make other people feel what their heart was not willing. Perhaps Zhi Hua needs to learn it as well."

He stayed quiet, and An Ran let him get lost in thoughts, even if she was sure the thoughts cannot be comforting.

"I suppose you will want to meet her," he finally said later.

"You can at least try to sound like you want me to meet her."

He didn't exactly answer, but just sighed.

"I won't demand it, Yong Qi, not when clearly you have not come to terms with the entire situation, when you clearly are not ready. I know this is a very different situation to Xiao Yan Zi. I don't suppose she knows about me?"

Yong Qi gave a terse laugh. "That would imply that I have actually had a conversation with her doesn't involve this secret that we now must keep. I don't think Lao Fo Ye told her anything either. Then again, with the swiftness that Lao Fo Ye managed everything, I doubt there was time."

"Be careful, Yong Qi, that savours of bitterness."

"The thing is," he said wearily, "I don't understand why Zhi Hua thinks this is a good idea to begin with and why she agreed to this. If the only thing she is after is the position and power then I can never be comfortable with her holding that power above Xiao Yan Zi. But if that is not what she is after, and if she is after some emotional gratification then the future will be a thousand times more complicated. When I can't understand what exactly she wants, I am so very wary of letting her know about you."

"You are wary for me? Oh dearest, what can hurt me now?"

"I don't know," he said, running a hand over his face. "That's the thing. I just feel like I can't trust her entirely for some reason. I have this nagging feeling like I should be on my guards with her, and yet at the same time, she's a seventeen-year-old girl, how much damage could she do? It's all very confusing. Until I can see things clearly and not feel like I'm just stumbling through everything, I don't feel like I can speak to her about you."

An Ran ran a soothing hand down his back and decided to change the subject. "How is Xiao Yan Zi taking it all?"

Yong Qi gave her a pained, forced smile. "As could be expected."

"Poor thing," An Ran lamented. When it rained, it really poured for them, and An Ran wished she could do something to stop it, not just for Yong Qi's sake, but for Xiao Yan Zi's and Nan Er's as well.

Yong Qi sighed heavily. "Her vision of Huang Ah Ma wasn't so rose-tinted as it once was, but this truth just shattered everything she thought she knew. Then losing the – "

His voice cracked with pain as he could not talk about the greatest loss of all. An Ran could only grip his arm in comfort, feeling the pain with him.

"Anyway, I think Nan Er is the only thing keeping her somewhat held together at this point," Yong Qi finished in a choked, gravelly voice.

"I am sure you do, as well."

Yong Qi shook his head tiredly. "I force her to think far more of Zhi Hua and Huang Ah Ma now than of myself."

"How is she dealing with the truth about her father?"

Yong Qi opened his mouth to speak, did a slight double take, then he started again. "I was going to say something horribly ironic about how you could imagine how she feels, but then I realised you probably can."

"Yes," An Ran answered softly.

"The answer is probably no, but did you ever want to blame Huang Ah Ma for – "

"If I did, it was a long time ago. What Xiao Yan Zi goes through now is not the same, though."

There was a devastated look on his face that broke her heart. "I don't know how to make it better for her, E'niang," he admitted.

An Ran considered her reply before speaking slowly, "Sometimes, despite all your best intentions, you can't. There are things she will have to face on her own and trust that she would seek your comfort if she wishes for it. You can assure her that you will be there for her, but there are obstacles you can't clear for her and it will always hurt to realise this, but you won't be able to change that. It hurts but it is something you must accept."

Yong Qi looked at her for a long time. Then, "You are not just talking about Xiao Yan Zi and me, are you? You are also talking about the two of us."

She gave him a small, sad smile. "Yes, I suppose I am."

After dealing with a few tension-filled months with Zhi Hua in their lives, to Yong Qi, it seemed almost a relief to go off to war, where at least he would actually know who the enemy was.

To An Ran, it was the worst news she had heard in a long time.

"How could your father do this?"

"I asked to go, E'niang."

He looked at her apologetically, but she already knew that it was all settled, and he had only come to tell her, not to be talked out of it. Even if he could be talked out of it, it was likely that orders and arrangements have already been made and would never be taken back.

Still, she could not help saying, "Yong Qi, even if you would not think for yourself, did you not even consider me, Zhuang Nan, Xiao Yan Zi and – "

"I did. E'niang, if there is a reason for me to hesitate, it would be you more than anyone," he said earnestly. "But E'niang, it is also my duty to do this. I can't just hide away when I could do something to protect my country."

So that was that. The day he went away, after seeing him off, Xiao Yan Zi didn't return to the palace right away, but came to see her.

The two of them sat staring at the brazier that glowed with coal, keeping away only the misty chill of the late winter day but not the chill of the dread in their hearts. The fear couldn't be expressed because saying it out loud may be tempting it to come true.

Days later, Xiao Yan Zi came to see her again, this time looking slightly dazed, and told An Ran that she was expecting another child.

"Xiao Yan Zi, that's wonderful news. Why don't you look more happy?"

"I am! I was happy when I wrote him about it but – "

"But?"

Her reply was fearful and high-pitched. "I – I can't do this alone, E'niang, I can't - "

"I doubt you will ever truly be alone, Xiao Yan Zi."

"No, but without Yong Qi – what if – what if he doesn't – "

"Don't say it!" An Ran exclaimed, sharper than she intended.

Xiao Yan Zi, as An Ran found out that day, was prone to moments of self-doubt that apparently turned her normally optimistic self into someone who was quite bleak. It took some time, therefore, to sooth Xiao Yan Zi's agitated state, even then it was only with the help of Zi Wei and Liu Hong.

Left alone, An Ran tried not to think too much of her own worries that could not be alleviated even by letters as frequent as Yong Qi could manage at the war front.

So there was no word to describe her relief when one day, Zi Wei stumbled breathlessly into her room.

"Yi Niang!" Zi Wei only managed so much before she had to stop and catch her breath.

"What is it? Is something – " An Ran asked, standing up.

"No, no," Zi Wei answered, smiling widely. "They're coming home! Er Kang and Yong Qi! Everything is over, they're really coming home!"

An Ran grabbed Zi Wei's hand and resisted the urge to shake her. "Really? It's over? They are returning?"

"Yes! I had to promise Xiao Yan Zi I would let you know. She was all for coming to tell you herself, as if anyone would let her out at this stage."

"Oh, thank Heaven!"

Grinning, Zi Wei said, "I shan't stay, I need to return to Xue Shi Fu and let them know, but we wanted you to know as well so you don't worry anymore – "

"Yes, of course, thank you for telling me. Now, go home, Zi Wei."

An Ran would have been relived and thankful enough to see Yong Qi again, safe and sound. Any other rewards seemed superfluous. That didn't mean, however, that she could help feeling enormous pride to hear (not from Yong Qi) that Huang Shang had bestowed on him the title of Rong Qin Wang and he was the first of the emperor's sons to receive the title.

The title also meant the move to Rong Wang Fu. It had to be said that both Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi more or less rejoiced in this new residence. For Xiao Yan Zi, it put her and Zhi Hua in totally different buildings with several courtyards, a pond with a bridge and a garden between them, which would mean that it would be easier for all involved to breathe.

Yong Qi's one attempt so far to persuade his mother to come live with them at Rong Wang Fu had been unsuccessful. His mother seemed unable to contemplate the idea when there was still the smallest, slightest chance that she could run into the emperor at Rong Wang Fu. Yong Qi was also not as much his own master in his own residence as he wished to imagine, since all the stewards who oversaw the running of princely manors still reported directly to the emperor, so if his mother had moved in as he wished, it would not be half a day before the emperor knew. This in itself wasn't a deterrent for Yong Qi, who felt that by now, he had somewhat earned the right to be publicly filial to his mother. Still, his mother had been firmly against it, afraid of drawing unnecessary trouble for him. If she were living with anyone he trusted less than Liu Qing, he might have pressed the issue further. As she was at Hui Bin Lou, he allowed himself to take comfort for the fact that she would undoubtedly be safe and cared for.

Still, moving to Rong Wang Fu mean that it was easier for Yong Qi to visit his mother and allowed her to see Zhuang Nan on a more regular basis. It also led way to the very strange and possibly (again) very overdue meeting between An Ran and Zhi Hua.

It sufficed to say that Zhi Hua was appropriately shocked when Yong Qi finally told her about his mother and the fact that she still lived. How she felt about this deliberate attempt withhold this information from her could only be speculated. Yong Qi, for his part, imparted as much warning as it was possible about how imperative it was that Huang Shang was to be left to his continued made-up reality that Yu Fei was dead, without getting into too much of the details that he had enough trouble talking to Xiao Yan Zi about, let alone Zhi Hua.

He was slightly surprised that after all this time, Lao Fo Ye never made any mention of his mother to Zhi Hua, though she must know that Yong Qi still saw her as often as he could, and that Xiao Yan Zi was aware of it all. He supposed, however fond Lao Fo Ye was of his mother, she had the emperor's face to protect first and foremost. It was one of the few things Lao Fo Ye did in connection to Zhi Hua that Yong Qi could appreciate.

If Yong Qi was totally honest with himself, telling Zhi Hua about his mother had not been so much for Zhi Hua's sake, but for the wish that his mother would then feel freer to come to Rong Wang Fu, where there would be no one she would have to hide from.

For An Ran, the meeting with Zhi Hua was a lot less…life-threatening than with Xiao Yan Zi. There was no other word to describe it than "calm". Perhaps it was representative of each of her daughter-in-law's nature. Yong Qi had left her alone to talk with Zhi Hua, but she suspected it was for a very different reason that he left her alone with Xiao Yan Zi before.

If Xiao Yan Zi was a force of nature and in every way unpredictable, Zhi Hua everything An Ran could have expected in woman that Lao Fo Ye would choose for Yong Qi. She could see clearly why Lao Fo Ye went through such lengths to get Yong Qi to marry her, yet at the same, she could see why, after Xiao Yan Zi, she would be rather uninteresting to Yong Qi. There was not anything wrong with her, surely. She knew to say all the right things, do all the right things, and could, as far as An Ran could tell, be pleasant enough. An Ran would probably not find it hard to like her, on her own. Then again, she didn't have to live with Zhi Hua, so how easy it was for her to like Zhi Hua didn't mean much.

An Ran didn't think Zhi Hua was being deliberately calculating in her pleasantness to her. If her every word was obviously considered and weighted before they were spoken, that was most likely just how she had been brought up. To Yong Qi, however, it was obvious that such deliberation could be off-putting, especially considering how she came to be in his life. Yong Qi clearly judged Zhi Hua in every way in terms of comparison to Xiao Yan Zi, and the two were so very different in what they expected from a marriage that An Ran wasn't surprised that he found it hard to relate to Zhi Hua at all.

The strange thing was, she understood what it was like, to be both Xiao Yan Zi and Zhi Hua. Each had their own source of woe, and in some ways, she could not help but pity Zhi Hua more, because Yong Qi had been right. No matter how Zhi Hua walked into this marriage with open eyes, she really had no idea what she got herself into. To hear her speak, An Ran could tell she still believed that Yong Qi's heart could be persuaded to be shared between her and Xiao Yan Zi.

Perhaps it was just as well that his life was still a distant away from her, so that she was not in a position to interfere even if she wanted to. If she was in the palace again, perhaps she would be pressured by Lao Fo Ye to take a side, but she couldn't see how that would help Yong Qi at all. To take a side would stir up even more conflict between Xiao Yan Zi and Zhi Hua – it wasn't as if they needed more – and make life even more difficult for Yong Qi. However much she sympathised with either of them, to make Yong Qi feel guilty about it was not her intention. If she was to take a side, she would take Yong Qi's side first and foremost. She might learn to like his wives both for their own merits, but he was still her son.

Xiao Yan Zi was necessary for his happiness, but at the same time she was so unsuited to numerous other roles that would be expected of his wife. An Ran could, unfortunately, see the need for someone like Zhi Hua, though she could not help but think that Lao Fo Ye's way of putting Zhi Hua in his life was a rather great lapse in judgement and a fundamental inability to understand how Yong Qi's mind and heart worked. He could never learn to be happy with someone forced on him not on his own terms.

So An Ran watched as the three of them stumbled through the life which probably none of them would have chosen for themselves. She watched as Zhi Hua tried to hide her disappointment when Mian Zhang was born and offered what both she and Xiao Yan Zi knew were insincere well-wishes. If situations were reversed, Xiao Yan Zi probably would not even attempt to be subtle about it.

If Yong Qi ever came to An Ran to talk about any of this, she knew it was not ever to ask for her advice, but more because he needed to talk to someone and there were things he could not say even to Xiao Yan Zi. Perhaps that was for the best, because she didn't think ever she could give unbiased opinions and perhaps he received enough expectations from every side already as it was, and didn't need it from her as well.

When Mian Yi was born and Xiao Yan Zi's heart broke, she had expected to seek comfort in Zi Wei. However, even as she was ready to go to Xue Shi Fu, she eventually found herself at Hui Bin Lou and in An Ran's rooms instead. She didn't even know why this even seemed like a good idea, but regardless, here she was.

An Ran took one look at Xiao Yan Zi's tearful face and seemed to understand. Never before had Xiao Yan Zi been more relieved for her soothing presence. She knew An Ran had every right then to act happy at the birth of a healthy grandson, but instead, she just drew Xiao Yan Zi into an embrace and helped her wipe the tears away from her face.

If asked, neither of them could possibly say when it had become such a natural thing that Xiao Yan Zi would seek out An Ran's comfort so automatically and for An Ran to provide it like this.

"My dear Xiao Yan Zi," – it was the first time she had called Xiao Yan Zi that, and Xiao Yan Zi wasn't even sure whether it helped – "Yong Qi does love you so very much."

In her broken state, Xiao Yan Zi asked, "Does he?"

She wondered, for a brief moment, whether there would be reproach for her lack of faith. She seemed to be pulled in a thousand different directions now that she couldn't bring herself to be rational, to force herself to admit that she didn't doubt his love as much as she wanted to.

Her mother-in-law's reply, however, only was to sit down beside her on the bed, where she had drew her knees up to her chest and rested her head down, wishing the world to disappear. An Ran stroked her hair gently.

"You know he does," she said softly but firmly. "Even if, right now, it doesn't feel like it helps numb the pain."

"The stupid thing is, I pushed him to her. I owe her too much and he had put it off for long enough. But still, it hurts."

"I know," An Ran said gently.

"I suppose you will send me back," Xiao Yan Zi sniffled.

"No, not if you do not want to go back."

"I will have to," Xiao Yan Zi said with a sigh. "Nan Er and Mian Zhang..."

"Yong Qi could take care of them for a couple of days without you if you wish to stay away for a while. Perhaps it is better."

An Ran wondered whether part of the reason Xiao Yan Zi apparently made Yong Qi settle things with Zhi Hua was partly because she saw that Zhi Hua's patience was running out and feared she would eventually reveal the secret if Yong Qi continued not keeping his end of the bargain. Perhaps Xiao Yan Zi's sacrifice had succeeded in Zhi Hua keeping the secret truth of Xiao Yan Zi's family for a few more months, but still, eventually, when she clearly thought that Yong Qi was not sufficiently excited about their child together, she had gone and revealed the secret to Huang Shang anyway. Though in the end, the matter was resolved with minimal calamity and without anyone thrown into jail or with lives threatened (much), it was clear that any hope for more than the pretence of good will between Zhi Hua, and Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi, took a nose-dive turn after that.

Now, the birth of the child would only serve to make things even more sour between Zhi Hua and Xiao Yan Zi. As much as it would be easy to wag fingers at Xiao Yan Zi for being discourteous, An Ran didn't think any woman in her position could honestly ever say they could be sincerely glad for their rival. Even as separated as they were in Rong Wang Fu, perhaps it would be better for all involved if Xiao Yan Zi was to not be around for a few days.

Xiao Yan Zi did not answer for a long time. When she did, it wasn't on the subject of returning to Rong Wang Fu.

"I am sorry," she mumbled.

"For what?"

"I know you ought to be able to rejoice…the child is your grandson. I should not have brought my gloom to you."

An Ran sighed. "I am grateful for the child's healthy birth, certainly, but don't think I don't know how you feel either, Xiao Yan Zi. I know there are feelings that you can try to repress, that may not be polite to feel but your heart makes you feel regardless…"

Later in the day, when Yong Qi came and asked to see Xiao Yan Zi, An Ran did not allow him to.

"E'niang! I need to see her."

But An Ran would not budge.

Yong Qi gave a frustrated exclamation and paced the room, occasionally staring longingly at the wall that separated them from Xiao Yan Zi. Finally, when An Ran thought she had given him enough time to brood, she pushed him down into a seat and pressed a cup of tea into his hand.

Then, sitting down beside him and placing a hand on his arm, she said gently, "Give her time, Yong Qi, to cry a bit and get used to the situation, before she needs to face you."

Yong Qi closed his eyes and set the tea down, undrunk, more forcefully than necessary.

"She won't be able to stay away long. The children will bring her back to you soon," An Ran said.

He raised his eyes to look at her, and she winced to see how much pain was in his expression. "Is that all the reason that brings her back to me? If she only comes back for the children and not because she wants to, then I would rather - "

He didn't finish, but it was enough. She wished she could make this entire situation better for the both of them, to give them the happiness and optimism they so had at the beginning of their marriage.

"Oh dearest, if she didn't love you so much, she would not be in such pain now," An Ran said gently. "Go home, spend some time with the baby as he deserves. Xiao Yan Zi will be all right here."

Yong Qi let out a shaky laugh. "I should be happy. And yet the only thing I feel is glad that it's over…and not even the right kind of glad. And yet…I do love him."

"Of course," was her soft reply.

He picked up the teacup again and stared into the dark liquid, as if contemplating drowning himself in it. "Is this how Huang Ah Ma felt when I was born?"

The sudden pain that assaulted her took An Ran by surprise, so that she couldn't answer right away. She was glad, however, that Yong Qi was preoccupied enough to not notice her expression, which she quickly hid away.

"Oh Yong Qi, you do not think it is the same thing."

Perhaps circumstances shared some details, but An Ran knew her relationship with Huang Shang was never quite as turbulent as Yong Qi's was with Zhi Hua.

"It is similar enough."

As much as Zhi Hua had put Xiao Yan Zi in danger when she revealed the secret to Huang Ah Ma, and as angry as Yong Qi had been with her, he could still never quite blame her completely without placing some of the blame on himself. He could not deny that he partially pushed her to such desperation. He never exactly kept his end of their bargain in good faith, and so could not expect her to do the same. Still, the whole incident showed the malicious side of Zhi Hua that she worked so meticulously to hide before. It sufficed to say that if before, Yong Qi felt himself on his guard around her, he felt it even more now. Anything that resembled trust he had once before for her was gone now, and he could no longer assume that she would not resort to hurting Xiao Yan Zi in another way to gain the upper hand.

Despite that, he could still not bring himself to ignoring her completely like he wished and half-expected of himself, if not for her sake then for that of Mian Yi. One day his son would, as he did once, have to realise the truth that there was little love between his parents. Even if Yong Qi could not help that, he could at least try to not make Mian Yi feel the ice so bitterly, to not make it so very obvious…

There could not be love for Zhi Hua, but Yong Qi still hoped, now that all secrets were out in the open, and they had all laid their cards out, and there was no longer any debt, nothing more owing to be repaid, that somehow they could reach some sort of peaceful co-existence. Perhaps friendliness between Zhi Hua and Xiao Yan Zi would always be too much to ask for, but he knew that by now, even Xiao Yan Zi only wished for a calm, live-and-let-live attitude between her and Zhi Hua as well. Being at odds with Zhi Hua was about as exhausting for Xiao Yan Zi as it was for him, for all the ways Xiao Yan Zi wouldn't otherwise shy away from conflict.

How much Zhi Hua understood all this, how much she appreciated it and how much she could be capable of accepting it, Yong Qi wasn't sure. He supposed, for all her ambitions, it was too much to hope right away. He could only hope, as the years pass, for Mian Yi's sake, she would learn to be more cautious, not the other way around.

In many ways, Yong Qi could never regret Mian Yi's existence even if it was never exactly planned and he dreaded some of the things his son would have to go through. If anything, the child was good for Zhi Hua, in that now she at least might feel like she had some form of protection. Without Mian Yi, Zhi Hua would perhaps be even more desperate, and Yong Qi did not think that a desperate Zhi Hua was easy or nice to deal with.

Yong Qi hoped, too, that over time, Zhi Hua would understand that regardless of the circumstances, he could not love Mian Yi less than Zhuang Nan or Mian Zhang even if he wished to. He had seen far too much of how his father's blatant favouritism of his children caused his wives to resort to reckless acts taken in the name of competing for the emperor's attention for her child, where the child would often be reduced to an object, regardless of the mother's best intentions. He did not think he could bear to see his children pushed to the same battle, especially when it would never be necessary.