New Jersey, 2015

It's the week before Christmas and New Jersey is as gloomy and gray as it is expected to be this time of year. Even though it's already late in the morning, it's still not really light and Danny knows it won't be getting any better all day. He hasn't seen a ray of sunshine ever since his plane touched down in Newark four days ago.

It's snowing, and Danny is stuck in traffic on the New Jersey turnpike. He had spent the previous day visiting his sister Bridget and her family, including spending the night and Bridget cooking him a delicious breakfast this morning. Now though, he's drumming his thumbs on the steering wheel of his rental car impatiently. He's been driving over an hour already and should be back at his parents' place by now. Instead he has managed hardly half the way.

Danny watches the big, wet snow flakes fall to the ground where they dissolve immediately, turning into huge heaps of gray slush on the road. He's so bored that he briefly considers calling Steve, but it's the middle of the night at home and while the sole reason of his call would be to annoy Steve, waking him up for nothing would be—

Wait a minute! At home? Since when does he call Hawaii at home?

Danny shakes his head at himself and takes a deliberate look outside the windows. There, it's New Jersey, this is his home! He has to admit it doesn't look very appealing today.

For lack of anything better to do, he switches the radio on, expecting Christmas songs and he's not disappointed. He starts humming along absentmindedly, and maybe it's because he's just thought of Hawaii and of Steve that it takes him a minute to recognize the song—it's Bing Crosby playing.

That's the island greeting that we send to you from the land where palm trees sway
Here we know that Christmas will be green and bright
The sun to shine by day and all the stars at night

His mind immediately supplies the proper images: The Christmas lights on the palm trees in Steve's backyard that seem so out of place and that still make the place very cozy at night. The not-so-small installation of Santa in a canoe pulled by dolphins that Steve puts up on his beach each year especially for Grace. Last year's Christmas Eve in his living room, with the whole Five-0 ohana and a stolen Christmas tree. The look of disappointment he'd caught in Steve's eyes when he'd realized Danny would be missing their traditional Christmas party this year while in New Jersey.

Danny closes his eyes and lets his forehead thunk onto the steering wheel in exasperation. What the hell is the matter with him?

It's Christmas! He's in New Jersey! He'll be back in Hawaii in time to celebrate Christmas Day with his kids—that's as good as it can get!

Only obviously, for some reason, it isn't.

For years, the holiday season had been the hardest time to be away from home. For years, the holidays had amplified the feeling of missing out, missing home, missing his family. Never had the distance between New Jersey and Hawaii felt larger than at Christmas, never had the differences been more obvious: Palm trees instead of Christmas trees, the beach instead of snow, surf boards instead of sleds. Bright sunshine instead of gloomy weather. Cold beer with Steve instead of hot chocolate with Grace.

And when the hell have his priorities changed without him noticing? Because he could really do with that beer right now, and if someone made him choose where he'd rather be, it would definitely be Steve's backyard and not the jammed up turnpike. He imagines Grace and Charlie playing in the surf, Steve wearing a stupid Santa hat and his goofy smile—

Someone honks and Danny jerks his head back up, becoming aware that traffic has moved on and he hurries to catch up. It feels like pulling himself out of a sunshine-filled dream back into the harsh, gray reality.

For years, he suddenly realizes, he had chased the memory of Christmas as he had known it all his life. As it once had been and as he thought it always should be. He had tried to keep the familiar traditions alive, to stick to how things had always been done in his family and he had stubbornly tried to recreate the things he had lost.

And all the while he hadn't noticed that he had built something completely new, that together with Steve, with Five-0, they have created their own traditions. They are different, they are a bit crazy, but they are their own way of celebrating Christmas. They are a mix of what everyone brought with them and—

Oh!

Oh no!

It suddenly dawns on him why Steve had been so disappointed by Danny's travel plans and it makes his heart hurt badly. Because Steve hadn't had a proper Christmas probably since he'd been sixteen. As far as Danny knew, Steve had hardly ever been home to Hawaii in all those years before they'd met, and he had certainly not been home to celebrate Christmas with his cold-hearted father.

So these new Christmas traditions they share, they are the only Christmas traditions Steve has. And Danny had turned his back on him! How could he be so selfish and not see this? He had left Steve alone just to be in New Jersey, he had abandoned him like he doesn't care and the guilty feeling that is creeping up settles in his stomach uncomfortably.

Steve always does everything to make life in Hawaii as pleasant and compelling as possible for Danny—and he always went out of his way to make Christmas in Hawaii more bearable. He even stole a Christmas tree for him! Danny smiles at the memory. As much as he had berated Steve for it, he had actually been flattered by Steve's determination to get him a decent Christmas tree. And instead of showing gratitude, he'd behaved like an ass. Talk about cold-hearted.

Traffic is rolling slowly now, no longer the annoying stop and go, and when he catches the sign for the exit to Newark airport, it's a knee-jerk reaction. It's very unlike him to do something rash like this, but he sets the indicator and changes onto the far right lane. He's sure he can handle his parents' disappointment more easily than Steve's and it feels like the right thing to do. Just imagining Steve's surprise when he will show up to the party is almost worth it.

Danny calls his parents' house once he's en route to the airport, and his Ma picks up after the second ring.

"Danny, hi," she says, surprise clearly audible over the phone. "I was expecting you back home by now. Are you still with Bridget?"

"Hi, Ma," Danny says, amazed as always by her unerring sixth sense. How could she possibly know something was up?

"No, I'm on my way back already. Bridge told me to say hi to you, by the way. The kids, too."

"Thank you, sweetheart. So when do you think you'll be back?"

"That's why I'm calling, there's a change of plans," he says, stifling a groan when he hits the end of another traffic jam. He doesn't want to imagine how crowded the airport will be. "I, uh, I won't stay until Christmas, I'm headed for the airport right now—"

"What? Why? What is the matter?" his Ma interrupts him, her voice a familiar mix of curiosity and concern. "Is it the kids? Is it work?

"Ma, just let me finish, please!" Danny rolls his eyes at her impatience even though he knows he's exactly the same as her. "Nothing's the matter. The kids are fine and work is fine. I just— I gotta— uh—"

Suddenly, for a short moment, he's not so sure anymore if this is a good idea. He doesn't quite know how to explain his reasoning, and if he can't explain it to his mother, what in the world will he tell Steve when he gets there?

"Come on, just tell me," his Ma says, "you know you can tell me anything." As if he still was a kid. Or a lovesick teenager.

He's not lovesick, of course he isn't, but right now he feels a little awkward. Danny rubs a hand over his face as if that can help in his attempt to sort out his thoughts; then he takes a deep breath and hopes his Ma won't take this the wrong way.

"Okay. Okay, please don't be mad," he says cautiously. "I'm flying home because I have realized that my life is in Hawaii now. Most of it. The kids are there of course, but I have a family there, too, you know. And I might need to apologize to Steve. Or something like that."

"But you planned to go back on Christmas Eve, can't it wait until then?"

"No, Ma, it can't and I'm sorry—"

"Wait! Danny!" She interrupts him again. "Are you saying Steve is your family? Are you implying—"

"No! Ma!" Danny says quickly, because this is headed into a dangerous direction. It's forbidden territory, something he hasn't allowed himself to consider, something he hadn't dared think about. Yet. "You know what, now is not the right time. I'll explain it, I promise."

"I cannot say I'm not disappointed, Danny," his Ma says and he hates to do let her down like this. But because she is an amazing mother, she continues, "but you gotta do what you gotta do. I want every detail, you hear me?"

"Thank you!" Danny says with a huge grin and he hopes that she can hear the relief in his voice.

"Take care, honey. I love you. Have a safe flight and say hi to everyone, will you? Give Grace and Charlie a hug and a kiss from Grandma, please."

"I will, I promise. I love you, too."

"Merry Christmas, Danny."

"Mele Kalikimaka, Ma."