A/N (June 18, 2020): Hey, I'm not dead. I'm just… undead?

Beta: Path of a Writer

ARG

Have you ever woken up to a nice new day, stared at the ceiling and thought 'Oh shit, I'm screwed'?

Jaune stared at the ceiling of his room.

"Oh shit, I'm screwed."

Alright, stay calm, Jaune. Either there was a god forcing him to spend his money in a video game in his dreams, or there were hackers that had gotten access to his account - and somehow also his dreams. Or maybe his dreams told prophecies, and this case, of his wallet.

Jaune winced. He didn't like any of those options.

And that's not even forgetting to mention…

That a major essay was due tomorrow, followed by three midterms which all within a week!

He twisted around and screamed into his pillow. He had about a week of material to catch up on for two of his midterms, and three weeks of material for the last one. As for the essay, he had started it at least.

He had written 'the'.

It wasn't even capitalized.

Taking a deep breath, he got up from the bed and stumbled to his desk. He searched through his drawers for the calendar his father got him at the start of the semester. Taking it out, he then flipped to today's date and wrote out his plans.

Call the police.

Begin essay for real.

Start studying.

Clean room.

Quick and simple. There was no point in writing more, right? Now, all he had to do was follow it.

...like he had tried a week ago. And a month before that. And a year before that.

Hey, at least he'd tried!

He decided to stop thinking about the past and picked up his phone instead. He dialed 911 and brought his smartphone to his ear.

"Hi? Yes. Name is Jaune Arc. Uh huh. Yes, I would like to report a crime. Yesterday - "

He suddenly felt his hand lighten as he realized it was empty. He brought it before his eyes in incomprehension. Confused, he looked up, and saw that he was also in a totally different, blank, room with mate white walls. He instantly knew what had happened. "I guess it wasn't prophetic dreams…"

"They are more like memo - "

"Pickle boy!" A familiar aged voice interrupted the first. Jaune winced. "Your pickle mistake just got you into a bigger pickle!" Jaune hesitantly turned around, dread in his heart.

It was the old man from the restaurant again, but this time… he was only wearing a bed sheet and sandals?! The moment Jaune finished his thought, he heard the sound of someone's palm hitting their face. It had come from the other old man, standing behind the first, who was wearing some kind of medieval looking peasant clothing, as if he was following some retro fad or something.

"It's a toga you death-impaired cretin! You hearing this travesty, Dark?"

The other old man snorted.

Jaune twitched. What did 'death-impaired cretin' even mean?! "Sir, if you would please calm down…" His customer service training kicked in automatically, though none of it was ever meant to be used against a crazy god.

The first man, to Jaune's surprise, did take a calming breath. "Trivial matters aside, I'm here to warn you against trying to seek help."

"What? Why?"

The god looked annoyed again. "Why do you think?!"

The other god winced for some reason. "Light, please."

One's reasonable, but the other's a -

Jaune stopped himself from thinking the word, suddenly remembering about the whole mind reading thing. "Nevermind… Again, why are you doing this to me?"

The man hummed for a second, thinking. "No reason."

"Just thought you have godly things to do, you know… Like arguing, talking, walking, and other stuff gods do, " He winced, but kept going, "...with other people who are just as godly as you and aren't just ants under your feet?" He offered with an awkward smile.

The response was strangely positive. "You are telling me to pick on someone my own size?"

Jaune nodded, latching onto this strangely good mood the god was suddenly in to resolve the situation. "Yes, like, shouldn't the onion and pickle situation be a very small deal for someone as mighty you?"

The old man gave a loud chuckle, much to Jaune's confusion. "Ha! That's a good one."

A good what?!

"Alright, I'll tone down the punishment this time since it's your first infraction."

"Of the no-help rule?" Jaune asked indignantly. "I didn't even know it was one!" He didn't question the sudden jovial tone, though.

"I was very insulted by the lack of precision in your craftsmanship."

"It was a MacDough burger for god's sake!"

"Are you daft? Does it look like I have sake?"

The other old man who had been mostly silent till now sighed. "It's pronounced sa-keh… Light, that's enough wasting time. Could you please do what you wanted to do, Brother?"

"Right." 'Light', the first old man agreed. He glanced out the window. "We'll miss our show if we keep talking."

"The show's at eight pm…"

"We have tasks to finish before then." Light shrugged. He turned back to Jaune. "I was going to give you just a warning before you make everyone else think you are insane, but you know what? I'm in a good mood. If you succeed at a challenge that I'll give you, I'll even give you all your money back, plus another one hundred."

Jaune stared. This was the same god who effectively had begun trolling him because Jaune forgot to put onions in his burger. The offer sounded too good to be true. No, too nice to be true. "What's the catch?"

"The catch is that it is a challenge, youngster." He rolled his eyes. "It won't be easy. I will summon the… the… last person you battle at the end of games and you'll just have to fight him or her. What's that called, Dark?"

"The endgame boss?"

"Yes, that!"

"You want me to fight the endgame boss?" Jaune sputtered. "With a sword and shield?! In a shooter?!"

"It's actually an RPG." Dark said helpfully.

"That's actually worse!" Jaune had not forgotten about the other weapons back in the weapon slot machine. The sniper rifle scythe thing did over two hundred thousand damage, when his melee weapon only did damage in the thousands! If this was an RPG, then he had basically zero dps!

The grumpy god tapped his foot impatiently. "You don't want your money back, then?"

Jaune twitched. He did. He very much did. He was a penniless university student, every cent counted. Two hundred dollars, on the other hand, was not just a cent. It was basically a whole day's work! "I won't die permanently if I die in the challenge, right?"

"Don't worry, I convinced him permadeath was a bad idea..."

Jaune felt suddenly very kindly towards Dark.

However, he wasn't finished. "...nevertheless, the compromise wasn't that great either." He muttered apologically.

"What… what do you mean?" Jaune didn't like the sound of that. He really didn't like the sound of that.

Light ran out of patience. "Don't worry about that, the penalty for death won't be applied for this challenge. Now are you going in or not? I shouldn't have given you that choice, I don't even know why you are hesitating for this one in a lifetime opportunity!"

If there was no penalty for death, then there shouldn't be an issue, right? But what if… Jaune watched the god start tapping his foot in impatience. Did Jaune really want to know how the god would troll him if he kept being indecisive? Probably not.

"Ok. I accept. I think."

"Finally! I'm sending you in." He snapped his fingers and Jaune poofed away. "I don't even know why I asked you. The penalty for death isn't applied for this challenge anyways."

Dark sighed, before suddenly remembering something and frowning. "Hey, Light?"

"Yes?"

"You never even played a video game before this whole situation. Do you have any idea how a boss works?"

"What do you mean? It can't be that hard. I'll just throw someone strong in there for him to fight. What do you think about Megatron?"

"Megatron... the building-sized alien robot, Megatron?" Dark slowly asked.

"Yes, that guy! What do you think?"

Dark stared at his brother.

"Dark?"

The god of darkness planted his face into his hands.

"We could do that other movie, with that huge blue guy with the six gemstones. What's that young man's name... Timmy?"

Dark lifted his head and locked eyes with his brother. He slowly walked up to him and put a hand onto his shoulder, still staring at him in the eye.

"You need my help again."

"...I do?"

"Ask for my help."

"Why - "

"Ask for my help for the love of all creation!"

Ancient Rotten Graveyards

Jaune found himself running on a desolate landscape. Scattered purple crystals sprouted from the broken earth, and above, dark clouds floating beyond the raining ash. Far off in the distance stood a lone tower, behind a strange organic mass of black and white that stretched into the horizon.

He tried to turn his head to look behind him, but found himself unable to. In fact, his legs were moving by themselves. His whole body was moving by itself! What the hell?!

A great number of beasts roared, turning Jaune's attention from his strange automatic movement to the black and white mass a good distance away from him. No, now that he was closer, he could see what they were.

In front were packs and packs of werewolf-like creatures, each on all fours and snarling. Behind them were strange bears, bigger than even a two story building. Mixed in were various other animals, each oversized and seemingly angry. What was strange, was that all of them had their fur and skin dyed so black that it seemed to suck out the light, and bone-like armor lay on their heads and arms.

This was clearly an army of monsters. And his body was charging at it.

Stop! Stop! Go the other way, idiot!

His body had other ideas, however. "Go! Go! After that Nevermore! For Remnant!" It roared, and to his surprise, behind him others joined, creating a chorus of cheering voices. In fact, he could hear the sound of a thousand footsteps marching in unison, the industrial rhythmic thumping of robotics, and the screaming of engines. Behind him, there must have also been an army of men and machines. The ground trembled from their footsteps and he could almost taste the griminess of the dust kicked up by their charge.

The swarm of monsters, as if in response, did a charge of their own. Many of them took to the skies, heading to fight the aircraft on his side. Jaune watched as his body fearlessly headed towards this onslaught of claws and muscle, blade in hand and shield in the other. He noted they were similar to the ones he had received in the god's game, but modified.

For a strange second though, his eyes broke eye-contact with the monsters and flicked above, where a huge dark bird flew into the swarm of monsters. Something metallic glinted in its talons. Jaune couldn't decipher what it was before the monster holding it disappeared into the endless wave of its own brethren. Then, his eyes snapped back to the werewolf-like creature that had reached him first.

With practiced ease and great skill, his body twisted by the bare minimum required to dodge a rabid swipe from the monster before his sword cleaved through its head and the heads of the two others behind it. Red matter, almost like blood but much more solid, splattered on the surrounding ground. Then, he weaved in and out of the giant muscular limbs of bigger monsters cutting down more of the wolf-like creatures, before coming face to face with a mutated elephant. This one bellowed at him in challenge. He felt himself grin, before his body launched at it.

A single twirl was all it took to get around the tusks and under it. As if his body had fought this creature before, it deftly climbed up its hind legs to then plant his blade into the mutated elephant's back.

Jaune felt every bit of resistance as his blade carved mortal wounds into the monster. He felt the give of flesh, smelled the coppery scent of the air, and felt the eager burn in his muscles. The young man had no idea what was going on, but kept silently watching his body do these incredible feats.

The monster finally went down with a dying rumble, and Jaune's body hopped off it. Its corpse disintegrated into nothingness behind him. As his body landed, his head didn't turn to take a second to look at the chaos around him, filled with the clashing of steel, the rhythmic fire of guns, and both man and monster falling left and right.

Jaune's mind tried, however. Because out of the corner of his eye, he swore that there was an older version of Nora, one of his friends from uni. She had her usual ginger hair and the facial structure and eyes were exactly the same. The strange melancholic seriousness and hammer - grenade launcher hammer, on the other hand, was not.

There were others fighting with them, but he did not recognize them.

"Mr. Arc!" His body looked at the person who called for him, a teenage boy with freckles on his face and a staff in hand. Wasn't he a bit young to be in this battle? "You need Nora to launch you up the tower, the Nevermore has nearly reached its goal!"

His body glanced up and focused on a black bird, the one he'd seen carrying something earlier and had lost track in the swarm. Now that the two sides had engaged in combat, it was more difficult for the monsters to hide it. It had nearly reached the tower.

"Nora, Ren!" His body called.

Jaune was quite confused. Ren was here too?

The other-Nora jokingly saluted him and then sat on her hammer, much to Jaune's confusion. A confusion that lasted until she detonated a grenade straight under herself, sending her flying through the air. Nevermind, confusion continued. What the hell?! How - She rained explosives onto the monsters thorough her arc in the air, before landing in what could only be called a superhero landing beside him.

"Nora reporting for duty!" She cheerily said, jumping to her feet, though to Jaune's ears it sounded like there was something off about the usually bubbly girl.

"And Ren."

Jaune would have jumped if he had control over his body. Was Ren beside them the whole time?! Ren, just like Nora, was also dressed very differently. In his hands were also a pair of strange pistols with blades attached to them.

"Give me and Ren a boost, Nora! I need to be launched right at the tower! Ren, use your semblance to hide us so that we can get through the murder of flying Grimm!"

"Aye, aye, Captain!" Nora then pulled and smashed Ren and him together in a tight group hug.

"Nora?!"

"Nora…"

"Hug each other tight!"

"What - "

And then she smashed her hammer into them and detonated some grenades on impact.

"NORAaaaaa!" They cried as they were sent flying into the clouds.

What kind of grenades are these?!

He didn't get to question it much as he and Ren blasted through the cover of monster birds like a cannonball. Several of the creatures were eviscerated by the sudden projectile, torn into several pieces.

"Brace for impact!" His body called. "Er- second impact?"

Their journey through the open air would be shortened as they smashed through the tower wall with a thunderous boom, sending concrete and dust everywhere. Ever on their toes, they quickly disentangled themselves and readied their weapons. Or at least his body did. Jaune, on the other hand…

Holy shit! That was epic as hell!

His body spotted the lone, giant monster bird they had seen before and rushed towards it. It was not able to even squawk before it was cut in half by his blade.

A metallic item fell out of its lifeless talons and rolled on the dirty polished granite. A… crown? His body picked it up.

"Don't touch what isn't yours."

His gaze snapped up. On the other side of this large circular room, a woman in a long dark dress sat on a throne of obsidian. A strange woman with deathly pale skin and glowing red veins all over her body, that is.

Suddenly, his body zoomed towards her at incredulous speeds, before stopping in front of her face… as she made a pose and smirked evilly. Then, in front of him, gigantic styled words popped up.

SALEM

Followed by… boss music?

Something clicked for Jaune.

My body didn't move, the camera did! The camera zoomed in, and then the boss intro played! This whole thing was a cutscene!

He felt stupid for not realizing.

The camera reset back to where his body was. His body pointed his sword at her. "Salem!" It roared. Much to Jaune's surprise, it was clearly a sound filled with pain and grief. "You won't take anyone else away from me!"

The woman rolled her eyes. "Then come and try to stop me, little boy." She yawned. In fact, it was the same expression she would have made if she had been watching water dripping down from a faucet for a few hours.

"You'll regret underestimating me." His body growled, attached the crown to its belt, and readied its blade and shield.

...and promptly fell flat onto its face.

Jaune stared at the dusty floor in incomprehension. And in pain. "What…?" He could talk now? "Oh. Ooooooh!" He 'oh'-ed in realization.

He picked himself up from the ground. "I'm back in control! Ow… cutscene over, I guess." At the bottom of his field of view, a red bar faded into existence with the name 'Salem' marked over it. Obviously, it was the boss's health.

Looking downwards also revealed his attire. It was strangely similar to his usual one, with the same hoodie and jeans, but his chest covered by a white chestplate with gold trims.

He looked up, only to see the boss laugh.

"Boy, you might want to learn to walk first. This... is where the big kids play."

His cheeks burned with embarrassment. It was not exactly what he'd call a fitting segway from that scene. "Well… uhhhh…" He couldn't think of a comeback. "Uhh… Erm…" Jaune glanced at Ren for help. The Ren from this world, that is.

The Ren he knew was the one friend who was super reliable and always finishes his work crazy early. He's the guy who you ask 'Hey, you know if this is the right way to do it?' and he's like 'Yeah, I checked my answers with the prof last week during office hours.' and you nod, before realizing that it meant that he had finished the whole month long project a week before you had even started. Then, you can only sit down and rethink your life while quietly sipping a teacup full of depression.

This Ren, on the other hand, just stood awkwardly still.

"Ren?"

Ren walked forward, then stopped.

Jaune and Salem both stared at the young man.

Ren crouched, un-crouched, then re-crouched.

Jaune and Salem tilted their heads.

Ren put away his weapons, spun around, then rolled into the wall.

Salem pointed at him with a well manicured finger. "Is he… alright?" The boss hesitantly asked.

Jaune decided that perhaps he wasn't the one who needed help, this time anyway...

In unison, both player and boss turned away from the scene and focused on each other instead. Salem leapt from her throne, and as she soared through the air her arms were engulfed in magical flames.

Jaune may have screamed a little. A little. His instincts screamed at him to move, and so he did. Salem landed where he was standing, blasting the floor appart. Somehow, it still held her weight even while fractured.

She stood up. On her face, was an expression of pure confusion. "What are you attempting?" She asked slowly.

"What - do - you - mean?" He asked as he tactically rolled away. Each word was partially cut off a bit whenever he got to the curling up part of the roll.

Salem watched him roll around her like an utter idiot. She shook her head. "I - nevermind. Just die." She raised her arms.

"Ha! You are open!" He cried.

"...I am?"

He got up, charged at her and swung out his sword with all his might. Then, he figured out why swordsmen normally don't swing at things with all their might. His sword bounced straight off her dress as if he had hit steel. His grip on his sword, being incorrect, easily loosened and the sword flew out.

Salem and Jaune watched it as it flew in a beautiful arc out of the hole in the wall.

They then turned to each other.

"...don't you want to keep that relic by your belt away from me? Why are you approaching me?" Salem asked slowly. "Instead of running away, you're coming right to me?"

"Well, I can't beat you up without getting closer…? I had a sword and I wasn't going to throw it."

They both took a moment to glance out in unison at the open hole in the tower through which the sword had gone flying out. "...wasn't trying to, at least." He amended.

"You do know I am immortal, right?"

Jaune blinked in surprise. "Like, living forever, but can die from getting hurt?"

Salem raised a stylishly evil eyebrow. "I jumped into a pool of liquid destruction and still couldn't kill myself."

He glanced at the health bar at the bottom of his vision. His blow at least did some damage… yes. So she was lying! It did twenty damage! He glanced at her remaining health. So now, he had to only do an infinite amount of damage to kill her - oooooh.

Something else stood out in what she said, though. "What do you mean by killing yourself?"

"Child, did Ozpin never mention that I'm doing all this to kill myself?"

So, he was here… to stop her from acquiring a crown… to stop the big bad that his body, during the cutscene, clearly hated… from killing herself?

This must be what it feels like to skip every cutscene in game and then arrive at the ending. He smacked his face with his palm. "Damn you, god. Why did you make this so confusing?"

"God?" Salem asked curiously.

He lowered his arm. "Nevermind."

"I didn't think there were many who still pray to the God of Light or the God of Darkness anymore."

The two gods did call each other 'Light' and 'Dark' during their previous conversation, Jaune recalled. So, that god of Light put both himself and his brother into his game? As expected of that annoying god!

"I don't. It wouldn't help anyways, he's kind of an ass." He winced at his mistake. Jaune had not forgotten what the god had said the last time Jaune said something unpleasant about him. Nothing happened, however.

Salem, during his moment of waiting, was analyzing him. Finally having come to a conclusion, she surprised Jaune with her following words. "You want some tea?"

"...What?"

"You want some tea?" She offered again.

"Uh, sure?" Is this a trap?

Salem didn't leave to get a tray. All she did was wave her hands a bit and a tray with a teapot, cups, and cookies flew from the open doorway of the throne room. It landed between them and Salem sat down by it. "Please." She motioned.

Is she british or something?

He took a few careful steps forward. Salem didn't do anything except stare at him expectantly. Still wary, he sat down cautiously on the side opposing her. She poured them both some tea elegantly. What's this tea thing about, and why was she personally pouring it? She had a throne and all, wouldn't she also have servants for such things?

"Thank you…?" Jaune held up his cup by the rim. It didn't have handles for some reason. He took a sip. It was perfect, hotter than warm, but not so hot it burned.

Salem smirked, amused. "You didn't even check for poisons."

"Ack!" Jaune had completely forgotten. He had been caught up with all the crazy events that he honestly hadn't processed a lot of things yet.

She chuckled lightly. "Don't worry, it isn't poisoned."

They took a minute sitting there, sipping tea, and watching each other, against the nice and soothing background of Ren shooting aimlessly at the ceiling.

"Did the god of light send you here?" She finally started off with the big question.

He almost spat his tea out. How'd she guess?!

"It was strange seeing you suddenly switch personalities like that. And… your friend." She didn't have to say more about Ren. "This could be a great plot to distract me, but then, why come near me with the relic? It doesn't add up." She took a sip. "Am I right?"

Jaune couldn't do anything but nod. Relic? That was the crown thing, right?

She sighed. "The gods have always done whatever they wanted."

"You sound like you have lots of experience with them."

She smiled bitterly. "Yes." was all she said to that. She took another sip. "How did you get their attention?"

Jaune sighed. "I forgot to put pickles and onions in his burger."

The silence between them stretched as the immortal tried to process that. "...truly? They must have gotten even pettier over the years. And what was your punishment?"

"Well, that's a long story..." He wasn't sure if she even knew what a video game was, with all the archaic magic and swords… and grenades… " Their most recent punishment is for me to fight you."

She raised an eyebrow. "Are you a warrior?"

"I've never even seen a real sword before today."

"Hmmm… sounds about right."

Jaune grabbed one of the cookies. He took a bite, realizing it was actually more of a tea biscuit. "How about you?"

"I was punished for turning them against each other."

"You turned gods against each other?" Jaune repeated incredulously. "That's pretty awesome, not going to lie. How did you do that?"

Salem's eyes widened in mild surprise, a reaction small enough that Jaune didn't catch it. "There are two things that you should know about the gods, and the first is that they are fallible. They have great power, but they are not all knowing. Even if the god of light believes he is. The second piece of information is more specific. The god of light greatly values his rules. In fact, I don't think I've ever remembered him breaking them. As for how I tricked them… The story started long ago…" Over the next dozen or so minutes she recalled a long past tale to him.. She told him about Ozma and about her grief, even about how her trickery led to the decimation of the human race. All the while, Jaune listened quietly, only speaking up to ask for clarifications.

"You don't sound that evil in this story. So, you are grabbing the four infinity relics in order to snap yourself out of existence?"

"Maybe in a thousand years."

"Not right now?"

She smiled at him. It was full of teeth.

"Er…"

"I called immortality a curse before. Now, I'm just having fun."

Jaune blinked. "Like skydiving without a parachute?"

"Yes, I've done that. Very painful, I suggest for you not to try it."

"Jumped to the bottom of the ocean and explored it?"

"I'll put that down on my list. Good idea." She took out a notepad from a pocket in her dress and wrote down 'ocean exploration' underneath 'world domination'.

"Sledding on the back of a penguin?"

"Doesn't work."

Jaune looked especially disappointed. "Damn, Avatar was a lie. How about making your own video game company that isn't evil?"

"A what company?"

"What about riding a lion without a harness?"

"The faunus exist, don't they?" She shrugged.

What? What's a faunus? What does that have to do with anything? "It really sounds like you've made the most out of your punishment."

"That's the thing, child. There is much that is immutable in life, but there are just as many things under your control. Like your current punishment, for example."

Jaune tilted his head. "You can help me win this challenge?" How could he defeat an immortal boss?

"I already have, I believe."

Everything turned to white for him.

Alcohol Research Group

Jaune found himself in the same white room as before, in front of the gods.

"That… was not fighting." Light stated with a dangerous undertone. "I come back from washing the dishes to this?!" His brother stayed silent beside him, fiddling with a PlaySystem 4 controller. "What do you have to say, young man? Are you even trying?"

"I can explain!" He yelped.

"You can, right? You are not saying that just because that's something people say in these situations, right?" Dark's voice came muffled from behind one palm that was firmly planted against his face, other hand still on the gaming device. "Tea with Salem herself, now that's a thing I haven't seen for a few thousand years."

Jaune sweated. "No, really, I can totally explain! Just give me a moment, it was a really… realllllly complicated series of events!"

Light glared at him. "You have a single minute to explain your 'fighting', young man."

"After the… uh… physical battle… where I fought very valiantly and so incredibly well… that she was impressed by my skills! So impressed in fact, she decided that we should… uh… not just fight physically, but also in other ways! Like… like a battle… a battle of wisdom!"

Dark snorted. "Hence the tea party."

"Hence the tea party." Jaune quickly agreed.

Light was very not impressed. "I said a fight! Do you not know what a fight is?"

Jaune raised a meek finger. "Technically, I did fight her…" His eyes widened. He finally had realized what Salem had meant. "Hey, you never did say I had to defeat her! You said to fight the final boss, but you never said I had to defeat her as part of the challenge!"

Light's right eye twitched.

Jaune suddenly felt a lot less confident.

"YOOOuuu…!" He roared.

Did I get Salem's hint wrong?

The god stomped over to him. Even though he was an old man, white beard and all, he had all the strength of a man in his prime. In fact, his approach looked just as scary as it would have been if he had been the Terminator himself in all his Schwarzenegger glory. Jaune hurriedly stepped backwards, until his back hit the wall. "Have mercy!"

The god smooshed a finger against Jaune's nose. "...are completely right!" And then he started laughing. "The results were expected, but not the process! Clearly, we should have chosen you instead of Ozpin!" He then stepped back, giving the poor almost-hyperventilating Jaune some room, and held out an old-fashioned sack that fit nicely in his palm. "Here, take it! You've earned it."

Bewildered, Jaune took the bag. He eyed it warily. "This isn't going to explode, is it?"

Light rolled his eyes. "Go ahead, open it!"

Jaune felt through the bag to attempt to determine the identity of the contents. It felt like… a bunch of coins? "This isn't the three hundred dollars in nickels, is it?"

"It's worse."

Jaune looked at the other god, who had gone back to fiddling with his PS4 controller after saying his thoughts. Then, he looked back at the innocent brown bag in his hands, clearly filled with coins. His cautious side was slowly overpowered by a sense of morbid curiosity.

He opened it.

Inside, was a bunch of clearly fake coins. Chocolate coins.

Jaune's expression turned very expressionless.

"See you next time, mortal!"

Jaune found himself back in his room, now with an additional bag of chocolate coins.

"The fuck."

Aerial Respondence Group

"Hey Jaune!"

Jaune collapsed into his seat beside one of his friends, right at the edge of a row. "Hi Nora," he forced out, replying to the girl seated two seats away to his left. In between them, sat a boy with a streak of magenta in his black hair. "Hi Ren." He greeted him as well.

"You look more tired than usual. Mondays, huh?" Ren noted.

Jaune felt himself melt into his seat. "Yup."

Nora, on the other hand, noted the important details. "I smell chocolate." Somehow she was able to tell from a full seat away. "...and fresh… strong… minty... coal?"

"Nora... " Ren sighed. "That's just my deodorant, though I'm not sure how you can smell it from that far."

"What?"

"The mint. Not the chocolate- Why are you disappointed?"

Jaune slapped his hands to his face and ignored the pair of together-but-not-together-togethers. "An… acquaintance… A very distant acquaintance gave me a whole bunch of chocolate coins. Want some?"

"Do I!"

Jaune opened his bag, removed his laptop, lifted his lunch box, reached under some binders, and finally retrieved his sack full of sweets from behind his books - how the hell did she smell it?! He threw some at Nora, who easily and very eagerly caught them.

Ren received one too. "A very distant acquaintance gave you this much chocolate coins?" He curiously asked. He peeled the gold leaf from the chocolate carefully, making sure not to damage the wrapping. Classic Ren.

"Yup…"

"Ehhh…" They both turned to Nora, who was suddenly making a face. "'here's 'ome'hing 'in'ide!"

"Nora, you alright?" Ren asked, worried. He put his half-unwrapped coin onto his lap.

"'e wight 'ack!" She got up from her chair and sprinted out of the lecture auditorium.

Ren and Jaune looked at each other.

"Nora?"

"Nora."

Five minutes later, she came back with a big smile. "Hey, Jaune, you must have really charmed that super distant acquaintance of yours, cause look at this!" She held up a single dollar coin. A real one this time, freshly washed.

Ren put two and two together. "It was in the chocolate?"

"Yup! I checked the other ones too!" She held up three more. "They all had a real one inside! Isn't that great, Jaune? ...Jaune?"

Jaune slammed his head against the table arm of his chair. "Wake me up when things make sense again…"

Aspenridge Ratscha Gamers

The God of Light and the God of Darkness pushed a cart through the aisles. They were dressed like old retirees, with their tucked in checkered shirts and cargo shorts.

"Brother, that scenario with her… Why that one?"

"What scenario?" Light replied absentmindedly, picking a box of cereal off the shelves. A bug buzzed above them and landed on the top of the shelf.

"You know which one I'm talking about."

"Ah." Light put the box back. "That moment I chose? Merely a whim." He picked another up. "What do you think of Lieutenant Crunch? Not like we can afford much, after that loss of three hundred dollars."

Dark watched his brother, unconvinced. A moment later, he sighed and gave up trying to figure him out. "I am not against it, but we should get Chocolatie Crunch."

"Vanilla's always the superior flavour."

"The chocolate one has a more refined taste."

They glared at each other for a long minute, neither willing to give an inch.

Bzzzz…

Light's eyes snapped upwards to lock onto the fly that unexpectedly landed on his forehead. He snorted, his shaking dislodging the bug. Dark kept his gaze steady, but the stalemate was broken.

"You were a lot quieter before, Dark." Light commented. "I think this experience has been good for you."

Dark leaned on the cart. "But not for you?"

Light sighed. "I don't know yet."

Angry Raging Gamers

"Wow!"

Jaune blinked.

A girl in a red hood stood in front of him, running her hands along a sheathed sword in awe.

After discovering that the god had kept his word, class had started. However, due to the endless droning of his professor, he must have fallen asleep and woken back up in the game world.

"Can I?" She whispered, one hand on the handle and the other on the scabbard.

He nodded on reflex, still a bit disoriented from the sudden scene change. It looks like he had reappeared exactly where he had left off the night before. That might get a bit confusing if he ever teleported away mid-conversation.

...what was the girl's name again? Red? Pyrrha? No… maybe… Cinder?

What were they even talking about? Something about bullets?

Is that a custom rifle on her back?!

...Oh no, he had teleported away mid-conversation!

Jaune shook his head and brought his focus back to the girl in front of him. Not an issue. Just have to somehow get her to say her name again.

"This is so cool!" The girl squeaked out. "Very strongly built, feels like it can take a lot of damage! What can it do?"

What can it do…? Jaune finally realized it was the sword he got from the lottery system yesterday night. "It can…" It's a sword and shield the gacha said… so where is the shield? Did I only get the sword?! Is it a set item? Was it supposed to do something more? What, can it do magic?! "...it can cut things good?"

Oh god...

Luckily, he was saved by the announcer. "Now arriving at Beacon."

"Ah!" She handed his weapons back. "I should go find my sister now! See yah, Jaune!" She waved goodbye at him, before sprinting away. "Yang, where are you?"

[Relationships]: +100 reputation with Ruby Rose.

[Relationships]: Ruby Rose rank up! Now, status is: Friend.

Ah! That's her name!

[Echoes]: Yang Xiao-Long UNLOCKED

[Main Quest]: Completed Introduction

Reward: 1000 XP

Unlocked: Relationship Menu, Status Menu, Skills Menu, Menu Menu

[Main Quest]: Started Initiation

Level up!

(20 potential stat points to distribute)

He eyed the floating text suspiciously, having not forgotten how tricky the god could be. It sounded normal though… Not seeing an issue, he decided to bring up the status menu in order to distribute his stat points.

…

Ah, so that's the catch. "How do I open the status menu?" He mumbled to himself. To his surprise, it was just that easy. Time stopped around him and a screen popped up.

[Stats]:

Offense: 100

Defense: 50

Dexterity: 25

Stamina: 100

HP: 0

PP: 20

Other stats hidden due to low intelligence.

"Ah, at least it isn't hard to open this menu."

Time restarted and the screen disappeared.

Jaune felt the most exasperated he has been yet. "Menu." A different menu popped up.

[Back]

[Status Menu]

[Skills Menu]

[Relationship Menu]

[Memories Menu]

"Status menu." The right one reopened. Jaune rubbed the rim of his nose and sighed. "Now, let's see…" A few of the stats were familiar to him, but quite a few confused him. Offense was most likely a variation of strength or attack power, and defense seemed obvious enough. Dexterity was also a usual stat, same thing with stamina. The last two, on the other hand… he was clearly still alive, so why was his HP zero? And PP was twenty, so Jaune wondered if it had anything to do with his potential stat points since the number matched up- What do you mean low intelligence?! "Now the menu is insulting me too. Great." The menu disappeared.

Oops. "Status menu."

He felt like Ren at that time when Nora decided to try to be more independent and cooked her own meals, only for him to realize that Nora ended up eating pancakes for all three meals of the day. And the way she cooked the pancakes… well, neither Ren nor Jaune could fathom how electric sockets could be used in such a way without setting a house on fire.

Jaune paused. He took a moment to contemplate if perhaps that was how she did it, only to stop that train of thought before he could get any further derailed.

Carefully, he looked at the menu for a hint of a way to add points. Unlike the slot machine for his starter weapon, there were no buttons on this screen, nor any other symbols than just what was required for the basic communication of his stats. It was extremely barebone.

Thinking that maybe the points were supposed to be spent in the skills menu, he decided to open that now. "Menu. Skills menu."

[Skills] (Prestigeable at Lv. 10):

Sugar Addiction - Rank 3/10

Video Game Addiction - Rank 2/10

Advanced Burger Flipping - Rank 2/10

Novice Customer Service - Rank 6/10

Bachelor of Arts - English - Rank 3/4

He stared at his stats. "Thanks, God. You suck."

[Administrator]: The truth hurts, I hear.

"No, it's the fact that you listed burger flipping as a god damn skill, and listed it as advanced! Plus, addicted to sugar - are you calling me fat?"

[Administrator]: Shrug. Deal with it, mortal.

"Did you just say shrug?!"

Just like the stats menu, this one was also simple and straightforward. There were still no buttons nor any other hints at how he could use his newly acquired points, nor were there explanations on what each skill does. Classic God of Light.

For the next five minutes, he would try multiple things like saying different variations of "allocating a stat point" and clicking random things on the screens. None of them worked. Annoyed, he decided to leave the issue aside for now, and instead investigate the other two menus. "Menu. Relationship Menu."

[Relationships]:

Ruby Rose: Friend (+100) [Details]

Name, rank with the person, amount of reputation points. That's pretty clear, for once. It matched up with the game messages he had received after the girl had left. And a button! He clicked on it, happy to have some explanations for once.

[Ruby Rose Relationship Status]:

Reputation: +100

Bestest Friend[*]

Best Friend[*]

Friend[*]

Acquaintance

Frenemy

Probably evil?

Cookie-hater

Reward for rank Friend pending.

He snorted. Now that's a new way of being friendzoned.

Beside each of the three positive ranks, 'Friend', 'Best Friend', and 'Bestest Friend', there was a little symbol. From what he could tell, it was a little present box with a bow on top. This theory of his was further validated when he read the last line on the screen. Once again, though, there were no hints towards how he was supposed to receive this gift.

Generally though, he was just happy that this system was easily understandable and seemingly straightforward. Satisfied, he flipped to the last menu by verbal command.

This 'memories' menu was more like a codex, wiki, or almanac. It listed every 'Echoes' he had unlocked through the game as buttons, allowing him to most likely view whatever 'Echoes' they were.

Jaune stared at them thoughtfully. Now, wasn't that a mystery? Why call them echoes?

His eyes widened in surprise. There was even one of himself! Curious, he clicked on it.

[Echoes of Jaune Arc]:

If you must break the law, do it to seize power: in all other cases observe it.

Caesar 21

Njhzodhzn, D rjiyzm da ocdn rjpgy cvqz wzzi wzoozm da njhzjiz zgnz ojjf ht kgvxz.

Njhzjiz rcj ydyi'o bzo czmz wzxvpnz cz avfzy cdn rvt di.

A random quote from Caesar… and what looked like the result of an old man having a seizure on the keyboard. Seriously? Was the god too lazy to write some lore?! Jaune opened up another 'Echoes'.

[Echoes of Ruby Rose]:

D bmvnkzy ocz mjnz wt czm nzqzmzy nozh

Ocz hzhjmdzn ja czm nxvmgzo kvnndji avyz

Jpm bjjy odhzn ymjrizy di xmdhnji

Ajm, ijr, D xvi jigt ocdif ocvo

Do'n czm wgjjy ocvo'n mzy gdfz mjnzn

Wow.

What incredible writing.

Jaune wanted to sarcastically clap.

He closed the menu, returning to the current world. Only to see everyone giving him a wide berth as they were filing out of the vehicle. The young man heard them whisper things about him.

"...is he ok?"

"You think he hit his head when he went down and broke something?"

"...think that's the sound a sloth makes?"

Jaune looked around. The other students all generally looked either concerned or annoyed, much to his confusion. It didn't look like much time had passed at all since Ruby had left and he was certain that time was stopped while he was in the menus. So why was everyone…?

Two girls passed him by, one with bunny ears of all things and the second wearing a black beret.

"You think 'Meh-noo' is a girl's name? Like, a bad breakup, leaving him stunned?" The bunny girl whispered not as quietly as she thought she was.

"Who knows? Sounds like it's private and I ain't that big of a busy body. Ignore him, Bun."

A girl's name? Meh-noo… Wait, Menu?

Jaune finally realized what had happened. Time only stops after I say menu! For everyone else, he's been standing there, calling out 'menu' like some kind of crazed idiot for the last minute!

"Curse you, God of Light- Gah!" From somewhere, a pinecone had smacked him on his head. "The hell? We're inside a goddamned ship!"

The bunny girl glanced at him worriedly from afar. "You sure we don't need to call a teacher?"

Avid Renaissance Gallery

Jaune ended up following everyone else past the landing sites and onto a bridge that led past a courtyard.

In the distance stood the 'Beacon Academy' Ruby had mentioned. With its sweeping arcs and tower-themed architecture, Jaune thought it reminded him of the cathedrals he had seen back in Europe, being painted just as white. However, unlike the buildings he was comparing this to, arch bridges extended from Beacon and held its courtyard in a protective embrace.

Before he reached the courtyard, a towering statue in the middle of a fountain caught his eye. On a rock stood heroically a man and a woman, both wielding weapons. Below, one of the werewolf monsters he had seen in the cutscene was depicted snarling at them.

The scene itself wasn't what caught his eye. What interested him was the sword the man wielded. Jaune unsheathed his own sword and held it up. It was very similar. In fact, he couldn't even see a difference, though the statue was a good distance away so perhaps the details were different.

He quickly sheathed his sword upon having remembered that waving it in public would probably get him jailed. A look around told him that no one cared, however. This really did look like a school trained for fighters.

Curious, he stepped forward to read the engraved plate in front of the fountain.

"In honor of the huntsmen and huntresses who dedicate their lives to protect us. Through their valor, humanity shall stand eternal." he read. He hummed in thought. Interesting. Reminds me of Hollow Knight.

Jaune continued around the fountain to the courtyard, where red deciduous trees and ponds tastefully accented the elaborate concrete path. He appreciated the efforts that the god put into the place, since it was clear that he didn't put effort elsewhere. It was there, in this pretty mix of modern infrastructure and nature, that a girl exploded.

He took off his non-existent glasses, rubbed his eyes, and put his glasses back on. Nope. Still the same. Smoke dissipated from a pair of girls, both covered in soot. The white one - and no, he wasn't being racist - she was literally all white from her hair to her clothing - was standing over the red one that he recognized as Ruby and was in the middle of giving said girl a lecture. Then, a third girl came in, this one themed around darker colors, who said a few words causing the white one to leave seemingly exasperated, before disappearing herself. It left Ruby to fall backwards onto the ground.

Jaune looked around. No one seemed to be concerned that someone had just exploded. Maybe it was normal for people to explode here?

Still a little worried for the little girl, he headed towards her.

Agricultural Reassembly Groundwork

"Ruby! Oh my god are you alright?"

[Relationships] +5 reputation with Ruby Rose

"Jaune! Hey… I'm ok! I'm ok!"

"What happened to you?!"

"Ah… You won't believe what happened to me! I met this crabby girl, and she made me explode - I know right? - and it was really scary when she started yelling…!"

"She made you explode?"

[Relationships] +1 reputation with Ruby Rose

"I know, right? I don't think explosions are a good way to make friends."

"Cutscene Nora might disagree..."

"Huh? Cutscene who?"

"Nevermind…"

"..."

"...So, what's that on your back?"

"Well… it's a little thing. Here, see."

"Lit- That's a giant scythe!"

"A sniper scythe."

"You wield a sniper scythe. A transforming sniper scythe. That's crazy cool!"

[Relationships] +10 reputation with Ruby Rose

"Heh… my baby is pretty cool. I can even say that - Erm..."

"What?"

"Do you know where we are going?"

"I was following you."

"...How did we get on a cliff?"

"Good view of a beautiful forest, though."

[Relationships] +5 reputation with Ruby Rose (gained opinion trait with Ruby: Just as Bad with Directions)

Assembling Resource Guide

After his reunion with Ruby, they had parted ways again at the auditorium. A bit lost, he then had come across another nice redhead girl who told him about the plans for the next two days. Today, they would get introduced to their school facilities and all sleep together in the auditorium. Then, tomorrow, they would have 'initiation' and also decide their teams. Interrupting their conversation, the headmaster, a man perhaps in his late forties with silver hair, then gave a speech about the Grimm.

A simple premise. Evil monsters of darkness, and us, people who fight them. Simple, straightforward, I guess, boring, really. I wonder when Salem comes into play.

He said goodbye to the nice girl so that he could go pick up his luggage from the aircraft - they were called Bullheads by the way - and then headed back towards the auditorium to set up camp for the night.

That was when he finally woke up.

Activating Reality Gyros

He woke up in the real world with a jolt, his face laying on his desk. Someone was poking him obnoxiously. He didn't need to open his eyes to know it was Nora.

"Stop it… Nora… hmmm…" It was too early in the afternoon to wake up…

"Uh… Jaune…" Nora responded hesitantly.

"...hmm… lemme sleep…" He swatted at her to shoo her away, but accidentally landed a blow on something soft.

Someone else coughed loudly. Someone that wasn't Ren or Nora. He opened an eye.

A white haired girl was glaring at him, her face peeking out partially from beneath his desk and promising eternal suffering in the coldest circle of hell, and that made sense because - oh my god - his organs were snap freezing, like a slowly spreading chill that froze him solid starting from his very core - she was promising death.

There was also a red handprint on her pale cheek.

Fuck this.

He closed his eyes.

"Yes, please. I'm so sorry to have disturbed you. Go back to sleep, I can wait." her voice sent further chills down his spine. He could almost hear her fragile smile. "Oh yes, I can wait."

He squeezed his eyelids tighter together. I am not dealing with this!

"Jaune. Listen to me." Ren whispered to him from his other side. My good man! "Lift up your left foot." Upon him mentioning Jaune's foot, Jaune only then noticed that it was firmly stepping on something. The pressure he was applying had only increased due to his stress. He quickly snapped his leg up as if it was burning. Jaune heard clothing shuffling as the girl's hand was finally released.

Now that the situation had resolved itself, he awkwardly sat up and reopened his eyes. The girl gave him another cold glare and patted the dust off the dirty sleeve of her snow white jacket, her formerly dropped pencil in hand. The hand mark on her face was blatantly visible.

"...I'm sorry? Very, very, very sorry?"

"Leave your apologies for someone who cares." She turned up her nose and left without another word, going back to her desk behind him. Then, she gathered up her things and went to a desk further away from his.

"Smooth." Nora chirped.

Ren patted his back. "Hey, at least you didn't use one of your 'roll off the tongue' lines." At the mention of that, Nora winced beside him.

Jaune tilted his head, looking between the two of them. "What's the problem with what I usually say? What? ...Why are you all looking at me like that?"

Alternate Reality Gamers

Jaune collapsed onto his bed the moment he got home that evening.

Believe it or not, that girl he had accidentally stepped on, then slapped, was in all three of his classes that day, which were also coincidentally his smallest ones.

Awkward…

It wasn't even his fault! It's not like he can control himself in his sleep.

What an exhausting day. First, the gods gave me an insane challenge, followed by a terribly unfunny joke, and then I woke up to that thing with the girl. In fact, the time spent in that awfully made game might have been the highlight of today!

Still, he should probably get up and shower. He took a whiff of his shirt and grimaced. With great effort, he removed himself from the comforting embrace of his blankets and headed to the bathroom.

I feel like I'm forgetting something though…

Ancestral Ritualistic Geomancy

His eyes snapped open. He twisted his freshly showered body so that he could look at his alarm clock beside his bed. 10:17 PM, it said in glowing letters.

The fucking essay!

ARG

A/N (June 18, 2020): Well, two updates a year. Is that ok? Yes? Well, that'll be great then.

...I swear it should be better next time.