Tuesday 9:15 am

Today it rains too… but when does it not?

My desk has been next to the window for as long as I can remember and it's something, I've always been grateful for.

I see the puddles beginning to form in the grass and the soccer field, and close my eyes for a moment, imagining how wonderful it would be to be outside. For a second, I listen to the harmony created by the sound of falling drops on pavement and feel the so-called uncomfortable feeling of the humidity when there is no wind, but for me, it feels like being hugged by thin, warm air.

I think about calmness and safety, which curiously are feelings mostly felt when you are accompanied by people you love, such as family and friend. But for me it is the opposite; it is when I am accompanied when I feel the loneliest.

"Good morning, Sakura", says a voice beside me, pulling me out of my thoughts. I look up to the dark eyes and kind smile of my best friend, Tomoyo Daidouji. I smile back, and respond with Good morning, too.

"I see that you are watching the rain fall, again" she says. I simply laugh and continue smiling. I wonder why the happiness I so desperately try to convey twenty-four hours a day feels more and more false. All I feel is the numbness of my heart… if that makes sense.

I talk trivialities with Tomoyo; how the boy she likes – Eriol Hiragizawa – sooner than later would ask her out, how the third exercise of today's homework was really difficult, or how there was a great possibility that Yamazaki would end up asking Chiharu. But we don't talk about me. Ever. Sometimes I think that Tomoyo knows how I try to keep my inner sadness from showing, but she has never mentioned it. Sometimes she asks a short and indifferent "Are you ok?" when I occasionally find myself sunk deep in though and simply answer with a chaste "Sure" and a smile hopefully convincing enough for her to stop prying.

"Look, it's Li and Eriol" she says, taking me completely out of my thoughts. I have to remind myself to keep my composure every time someone mentions your name.

I see you entering with Hiragizawa, talking about things that I can't hear from here. I'm glad you can't tell how my eyes follow you sideways, and I continue trying to still my heart from your sole presence.

I envy you Shaoran Li.

I envy your ability to be transparent but mysterious at the same time. I envy your capacity of showing what really is on your mind, and most importantly, what really is on your heart.

Yes, I envy you. But I have followed you with enough furtive glances and curious looks to also realize that I have always admired you, too. Such crystal-clear honesty I'm too coward to admit I'm attracted to

But I'm also scared of you. I have evaded your presence since we were Ten-years old; from the moment I first felt your eyes on me I knew I had to avoid you at all costs.

I knew you would be the only one who could not be deceived by my lying smiles.

I still find it a little funny how my friend looked at me curiously and asked me why I was evading the oh-so-perfect Shaoran Li, but I never told them the reason: I feel – I know – your eyes are the only ones capable of seeing the true Sakura Kinomoto, with a broken smile and a broken heart.

How is It possible that those dark brown eyes, as infinite and mysterious as the universe itself, are capable of discovering my true self? I'm not sure I want to solve that mystery.

I hear your laugh as you walk pass me to you desk, and I try to avoid your eyes. Ironically, your desk has always been behind me since you moved to the city seven years ago, which is why I have tried to maintain as much distance as being desk partners and having dating best friends, can give.

I am careful with my fooling mask of perfect smiles I try to show anyone I interact with. But I can't show you my mask; I can't show you my lies. I can't fool you.

I look back at the window and my mind drifts to yesterday afternoon. I can confidently say that the memory will haunt me with its mysticism and ironic nature; Was it a coincidence that, at the time I felt to most vulnerable, you were the one to find me in keep me company? You, the only person to see the real me. Because minutes before you had come running to cover yourself from the rain, I was already there under the shed, watching as the raindrops took away my sorrows.

To this moment I still don't know what I was looking for within the billion drops crashing on pavement. What was it that I wished with all my heart while searching for a ray of light in that gray sky? I wished for my father to smile again; for my brother to come home after having run away with Yukito a year ago; for someone to keep me company; for the almost forgotten memory of my mother.

None of these were granted to me.

Well, except one, of course. Company.

Minutes later, you arrived Shaoran Li, soaked from head toe and breathing fast from running so much. You looked at me for a few seconds with what I identified as surprise, and just like that you turned your eyes to the sky and watched the pouring rain do its thing.

I do not dare to admit how my heart stopped for a moment to think that we were under the same roof, or how your presence made me feel complete. For the first time in a long time, I had hope.

Hope that my brother would return, that my father would finally smile, and that we would be a happy family at last; that I would have the opportunity again to live the most remotely mundane situation, in which I would greet my mother's portrait in the morning, and have breakfast with my father and my brother at the same table.

What magnificent minutes were those in which I felt I could smile again with real joy. But of course, it was only minutes.

I sigh and take my eyes off the window to see Tomoyo an Hiragizawa flirting. I try to act nonchalantly as I feel your scrutinizing gaze behind me.

Part of me wants to run away, shout at you to stop looking at me so you can't see everything I have hoped to hide so desperately for so long. Another part of me wats to turn around and hold your gaze; wants to be discovered and saved from the despair that has slowly been consuming me over the years.

"Kinomoto", I hear you say and I turn around a little surprised to hear you pronounce my name. I see in your eyes how you debate something within your mind; as if you calling my name had taken an massive amount of courage. "How did it go yesterday with the rain? Did you get wet after I left?"

I Blink. "Not much, really", I answer, "I left minutes after you left and it was only drizzling". I feel like I should leave our conversation like this but for some reason I am not able to stop. I want to talk to you more. "And you? Did you get sick?"

"Nope", you said emphasizing the "p" at the end, which, for some reason, I found extremely cute. "As soon as I got home, I changed into something warm and prepared some tea."

"Good", I replied while holding your gaze. You smile, satisfied with my answer and I immediately return it. Another fake smile to add to the day.

But of course, whenever I try my hardest to fool you with my lies, I can't ever deceive you. The moment you saw me smile, I saw how your brown eyes grew darker and darker, as if you were trying to understand me.

I have so many questions for you; what are you looking to decipher Shaoran Li? What do you expect to find?

But instead none of us speaks and we only share an intimate game of challenging looks; I find within you something I wasn't looking for, and you look within me something you can't find.