A/N: Here it is, the final part of this story… I hope you like it! Thanks for everyone who left a review. As always, a big thank you to Cassie_Ether (Follow-ur-Shadow) for the support. Go read Delusions of Grandeur. It's amazing.

Happy New Year!

Part IV

Christmas Day 2007 - Boston, MA

HARVEY LISTENED to Donna's footstep fading into the night as the wind's chill cut against his skin, lost staring at the letters spelling out his dad's name. When he blinked again, the letters blurred as tears filled his eyes and a stray tear made its way down his cheek, the icy wind scorching the wet path it had traveled on his face.

There were so many things he wished he'd said to his dad, feeling the regret tear at the edges of his sanity. How could he ever move on knowing he would never get to talk to his father again? There were still so many things he wanted to get his opinion on; things he wanted to share.

He already missed the nights in the club when he would sneak in and watch his dad play, or the Sundays on the couch watching the game, drinking beers, feeling safe and secure in the notion his dad would always be there for him.

And now he was all alone, his family close yet so far, out of his reach and if he kept it up, out of his life eventually, too. He had no real friends to speak of, the only contacts in his phone business associates. If someone would ever ask him who his best friend was, they would probably have him committed for acknowledging it was his secretary and laugh in his face for him being a grade-A pussy.

But it was the truth.

Donna was one of the very few people he trusted and who he could rely on and he would do anything for her in return. However, spending Sunday nights with her, eating pizza and watching some stupid reality TV show he had gotten hooked on were out of the question. She wasn't that kind of friend.

As a result, he told himself he was fine on his own.

Wiping the moisture from his face, he murmured, "Merry Christmas, Dad," feeling his voice waver as soon as he spoke. Harvey swallowed against the lump in his throat, making it difficult to speak. "I miss you. It's been so hard without you. God…" He huffed, looking up at the cloudy sky as if the universe held all the answers, instead a desperation hit him in the chest like a freight train. What if this deep sense of despondency would remain forever and he would always feel like this? Harvey was positive he wouldn't be able to live.

Shifting his weight, he stared at his feet. "I'm struggling. And Donna's helping me through it when it's not even her responsibility. And all I do is snap at her," he said, remembering their spat from earlier. Donna entered an emotional minefield every time she was near him and he felt like an asshole for it. She didn't deserve any of his venom and yet she was still here, supporting him in his hour of darkness. Didn't they say you only hurt the ones you love? Right. Love. He was sure he loved her, in a way. However, his ability to love had been tainted; the only person he'd loved and who hadn't betrayed him now resting in peace six feet below where he stood. Love was a risk he wasn't willing to take. The stakes were always too high, even for a gambler like himself.

If only his father was there to guide him along.

From now on, Harvey would have to navigate this world by himself and the dawning realization unleashed a new set of tears. He surrendered, letting the misery engulf him. "I wish you were still here. I could kinda use your advice right now. I miss you, Dad." A sob escaped his throat and he let himself cry, feeling lost for the first time in years.

Minutes passed and the winds grew colder, a hint of snow teasing the biting air. Somewhere in the distance he heard tentative footsteps approach and Donna slipped her arm through his once more, her body cold against his side. She didn't say a word and he was happy with the silence, letting his final tears find their way into the soil beneath his feet.

Although, being here in Boston for the first time since the funeral was proving harder than expected, having Donna here as a beacon of strength for his so often wavering resolve was the best gift anybody could have given him this Christmas.

He turned to face her, unlinked their arms, and wrapped himself around her in a grateful embrace, hoping her nearness would transfer some of her vigor onto him. God knew he could use some of it right about now. But it seemed to work. The longer he held her, the braver he felt. Maybe he wouldn't always feel like shit. Maybe, someday, he might feel joy again. A sliver of hope weaved itself across his heart and he let the feeling settle, enjoying the comforting touch Donna freely provided.

When he finally managed to pull himself away, he gave her a rueful smile. "Thank you," he whispered, trying not to get his gloved hand tangled in her hair. For everything.

Donna's merciful eyes met his. "You okay?"

"I will be," he told her, because for the first time in six months, he felt like something had shifted inside of him. Perhaps it was time to start healing and him coming here had been the first step.

They spent the walk back to parking lot in silence, his heart still heavy with grief, though a weight had been lifted from his shoulders.

Climbing into the car, Donna blew hot air into her hands, rubbing them ruthlessly. "Can you turn up the heat?" Her nose was red and Harvey realized that while he had been having a heart to heart with his deceased father, she had been waiting for him out in the cold, her dress nowhere near warm enough to keep her comfortable, even with the thick winter coat she had on.

"Of course, I'm so sorry I kept you waiting," he said, starting the engine straight away and fumbling with some of the dials.

"Don't be. I'm glad we went," she said through chattering teeth.

He looked at the woman slowly thawing beside him and a sense of gratitude filled his heart. Not only for what she had done tonight, but everything she had done for him since the night she had barged into his life all those years ago. "You're amazing. You know that?" he stated in awe.

The compliment must have caught her off guard, because her eyes lit up and the smile that turned up her lips increased the temperature in the car by several degrees.

"I do," she said, still shivering. Harvey imagined her physical reaction stemming from his words as much as the cold. "But it's nice to hear every once in a while."

He made a mental note to remind her more often.

Thanks to Donna, this had been one Christmas he wouldn't soon forget.

When Harvey pulled out of the parking lot, a desire to end this trip properly struck him. After all, Christmas wasn't over yet.

"Would you mind if we made one more stop?"

•

DONNA LOOKED out the window, tapping her knee. The heated seat was comfortable on her back and by now she had morphed from a human popsicle back to a woman who'd thought wearing only a dress and coat, with bare legs and no gloves, in late December, on the east coast, was a good idea. And yet, there wasn't a hint of regret in her body. Seeing Harvey's face after their embrace was all she needed this Christmas.

They had been driving for about fifteen minutes and although Harvey wouldn't tell her where they were going; she knew. He was on his way to see his brother, to make sure they were still okay.

Soon after, the car slowed down and pulled up into a driveway. "I'm really proud of you," she smiled, trying hard to fight the urge to show him how proud she was.

Turning the ignition off, Harvey turned to her. "Thanks," he replied with a hint of self-consciousness. "I figured I needed to at least say 'hi' while I was in town."

Smiling broadly, Donna's heart grew exponentially. Still, there was a heaviness in his tone telling her this was no easy feat for him. "I'll wait here."

With a nod, Harvey left the car and on his way to the front door, she thought she saw him glance over his shoulder, like he needed to check she was still there; as if her presence fed his courage.

The exchange between the Specters didn't last long. Somewhere halfway through their conversation, both men looked in her direction and Marcus waved his hand, a gesture she returned, before the brothers embraced warmly and parted ways.

When Harvey resumed his position behind the wheel, there was a smile on his face she hadn't seen in a while. Nothing over the top, just there, simmering around the joy he was experiencing. "I'm guessing that went well?"

"It did. He said to say 'thank you' and to bring you in next time."

"No need to thank me, Harvey. You did all the work." A new sense of delight made her reach out and give the arm closest to her a squeeze. "But I am happy you worked things out." And she had the hungry hope there would be a next time.

Donna found herself getting increasingly comfortable with the physical affection for Harvey and she warned herself not to get too used to it, knowing how addictive such intimacy could be, especially with someone whose touch she so desperately coveted. Still, she leaned into the realization for the first time in a long time. Although it was dangerous territory and would most likely end with her heart shattered, denying her feelings was also taking its toll and she hadn't decided yet which hurt least.

The less than two-hour drive back to Hartford rushed by with conversation flowing from work to family and even some stories of Harvey's time at Harvard and Donna's time in college, both reminiscing about happy memories of life at home when they didn't have a care in the world.

Harvey seemed relieved; lighter, somehow.

Donna loved this version of her boss, the casual, relaxed Harvey who would make her laugh and crack up at her jokes. Being with him was the most natural thing in the world; they were like the moon and tide; like yin and yang. But there was always a line neither one of them dared to cross. Yet, on nights like tonight, she wanted to cross it more than anything in the world. Screw her rule. Her heart was far more important than any job would ever be.

But how could she go back on a rule that had defined their relationship for the past four years? She had a hard time imagining his reaction, her mind-reading capabilities falling her short when it came to her own life. Sometimes, she would picture him pulling her in her arms and kissing her like there was no tomorrow, professing his love for her as they rode off into the sunset together and other times he got so mad he fired her, and then there was pretty much any scenario in between. However, tonight she leaned more towards the sunset option, with him being so lively. Now all she needed was the audacity to bring it up. Somehow.

Harvey followed her inside and Donna quickly checked the time; it was nearly eleven. Moving into the kitchen, she started making him some coffee for the road, something she had promised she'd do, to make sure he wouldn't fall asleep behind the wheel.

"Are you driving back tonight?" he asked, taking a seat on one of the stools around the kitchen island.

"I don't know. I really love being here and I was planning on staying. Would be nice to have breakfast with my mom, regardless of the hangover she will most likely be sporting."

Besides, her empty apartment was the last place she wanted to be tonight.

Harvey laughed at her remark and Donna studied his handsome face. Catching her wandering thoughts again, she decided now was the time to broach the subject, because she might never have the chance again. Bundling every strand of bravery she could find in her being, she uttered, "Don't you ever hate being alone?"

Filling the pot with water as if her heart wasn't pounding too fast and too hard, she relied on every last acting skill she had to mask her disquiet.

Harvey looked at her cautiously, but she was too afraid to meet his gaze and have him see right through her faltering facade. "Not really. I guess. Sometimes," he stammered.

Busying herself with the task at hand, she prayed he would follow his reply up with a query of his own, not sure she would ever dare bring this topic up again.

"Do you?" Harvey asked, having found a piece of holly to occupy his hands with. The tension in his voice reminded her this was not a subject they discussed. Period.

"I do." She glanced at the man sitting at her mom's kitchen counter; the man she had been with; the man she denied herself to want but whom she wanted more than anything. As a rush of adrenaline shot through her veins, she mumbled, "Especially on nights like tonight. It's so nice to spend time together, just talk, have fun."

She hesitated for a moment, gauging his demeanor. Then took the plunge. "With you."

His face strained, forming an expression that never took. Her little disclosure must have short-circuited something, because his shoulders squared and his brows furrowed. "What are you saying?"

Donna sighed, scrambling to find a way to contain this. Now. Before it was too late. "I'm saying that I had a really nice time with you tonight. That's all." She shrugged her shoulders, feigning indifference, as if her declaration didn't possess the power to change their status quo.

"No it's not," he said, alarm seeping through the words as they left his lips too fast and with too much conviction. She hoped to God he wasn't angry, because he would shut down and her attempt would have been in vain.

"Harvey, forget I–"

"Are you saying you want a relationship? Because I don't do relationships. All I'm good for is a great lay. But you know that," he spit out.

Now it was her turn to be offended. "Don't you dare say that to me. I didn't use you for sex."

"No? Then why did you sleep with me?"

"Because…" she trailed off, knowing the answer, but not ready to hear it out loud.

"Because you knew it would be good. And you also knew it would only be a onetime thing," he finished for her, throwing the crumpled leaf between them.

"No, I didn't." He stared at her incredulously and Donna waited, wondering if he might put two and two together on his own. But Harvey being Harvey didn't seem to catch on. "I didn't know it would be a onetime thing. Maybe I–"

"Maybe what?"

She watched his eyes grow bigger; his mouth contorted before his lips parted, the truth starting to pierce his thick skull.

Donna waited, searching for courage to say the next words out loud, facing them herself for the first time in years. "Did it ever cross your mind that maybe I didn't want it to be a onetime thing? Huh? If anybody was using anybody, it was you using me," she bit back. Her last statement was irrational and untrue, but she felt exposed, vulnerable, and needed him to back off.

If she had dared to look at him, she would have seen the horror on his face. A dagger to his heart would have been less painful. "You think I used you?" he asked softly, as if the answer could break him in two.

She heaved a sigh, too embarrassed to meet his gaze. "No, I don't." Staring at her hands, she finally confessed, "Maybe I hoped that once we slept together, perhaps we…" She paused, a shiver running down her spine. It was possible she had made a huge mistake in raising this subject in the first place, but there was no way out now. "… we could become more," she whispered.

"Donna."

Donna studied the crushed holly leaf between them; twisted and broken. Like them. "It's stupid, I know."

A silence filled the surrounding air, the sound of the coffee maker the only disturbance in the room. Harvey's voice was barely above a whisper when he asked, "Do you have feelings for me?"

Looking up to meet his gaze, Donna thought she saw a glimmer of hope shine behind his tormented eyes, but the bewilderment they carried threw her off track, trapping her into her own well-crafted version of reality. "I don't know, Harvey. I care about you. A lot. But I'm not in love with you, if that's what you're asking." But she could fall head over heels in a second, if he would only give her permission.

"But you want more?"

"I don't know what I want." For this conversation to be over. "Can you honestly say you've never thought about it?"

Now it was his turn to look away. "I don't know," he finally replied. "All I know is, I'm not looking for a relationship right now."

Donna swallowed a snort. He was such a bad liar. She knew he was only saying it to persuade himself. Yet, how could she argue with his reasoning? If he had convinced himself he didn't want a relationship, nothing she said or did would change his mind. Pushing him would only drive him away and that was the last thing she wanted.

But the rejection still stung. Her face fell, unable, and unwilling to hide the disappointment that had woven itself into her features, knowing Harvey's stare was hot on her skin. She dropped her eyes to the countertop separating them, momentarily unsure how to respond, trying to make sense of a wave of different emotions crashing into her.

"And because I don't want to lose what we have," Harvey added.

And there it was. his fear of losing her. Donna had had her suspicions about this particular aspect of their relationship, knowing he depended on her for more than just her secretarial duties. Still, he had never said it out loud.

It was also his way of saying he cared about her, too, the frailty in his voice enticing her to look at him.

"Those things are not mutually exclusive."

"To me they are."

"Harvey." Why couldn't he trust her enough to love him and not leave him? Instead, she watched him shake his head, unable to look her in the eye.

"I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong idea."

"You didn't," she lied. Because he had. All the flirting confused her; the jealousy he tried to hide whenever she told him about a new boyfriend; the fear of losing her he had just confirmed he had, knowing his issues with abandonment. If that wasn't love, what was?

"Because I like where I am. We make a good team. I wouldn't be the lawyer I am today if it weren't for you. And right now, my focus is on my career."

"I get it," she uttered, faking a smile. Bullshit is what she got, but she swallowed the desire to call him on it. He wasn't ready and it was now up to her to decide if he was worth waiting for, fooling herself into thinking she didn't already know the answer to that question.

•

LYING THROUGH his teeth, Harvey felt his insides constrict with every untrue word leaving his lips. Not that he disliked being a bachelor; it definitely had its perks. Relationships were just not his strong suit. He'd had one serious relationship, back in college, but Scottie had left him when he'd been unable to commit, his anxiety standing in the way of him truly opening up, even though she had been madly in love with him and he had been crazy about her, too. Their mutual affection hadn't been enough.

Scottie was great, but she couldn't hold a candle to Donna. How would he even begin to love a woman like her? She deserved to be with a man who already was everything he longed to be someday, instead of wasting her time with someone like him.

He was broken. And until the day he decided he didn't want to be broken anymore, this was the price he had to pay.

Getting up from the counter, he put his jacket on. "I should go."

"Wait, let me get you a thermos." Donna darted away, rummaging through one of the drawers.

"Donna."

Her eyes met his, a hint of vigilance around the edges.

"Are we okay?"

"We are." The smile she forced didn't seem honest, but he took it. With her back turned to him, she poured him his coffee and he let his eyes wander over her body, wishing things were different, hoping to one day be different. For now, he'd settle for having her in his life and admiring her from a distance, because he'd be damned if he ever let her go.

Taking the drink from her, he made his way to the front door, a million thoughts running through his mind. Nothing had changed and somehow things were no longer the same. However, he needed them to be the same as he searched for reassurance they were still them.

"So," he said, waiting to meet her eyes, a grin teasing his lips. "You love me."

He watched her eyes grow wide as the tension left the air around them and a genuine smile tugged at her lips. "I never said that," she flirted back.

"No way. You can't take it back now," he smirked, relief washing over him.

"You're an idiot."

Harvey stepped over the threshold and turned around, nodding slightly. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"I'll be there. Maybe not at seven-thirty..." She winked at him. "Drive safe."

There was no embrace, no stolen touch, just a new divide between them.

Walking down the driveway, Harvey waited for the sound of a closing door, which never came. When he reached the car, he peered over his shoulder one last time, returning the small wave Donna gave him. The look they shared lingered and he had to tear his gaze away, afraid he might get pulled in and not leave at all.

Yeah, he really was an idiot. Because he had just lied to her and shut the door on them, possibly forever.

A/N: And that's what I imagine happened when I hear Harvey say 'Donna, about that time, you once told me...' :D I might still write an epilogue... Not sure yet. But please let me know your thoughts!