Oh boy, this is a weird story. So, I got the idea for this while scrolling through Reddit and reading one of the many, many "Qrow is Ruby's Father" threads. It got me thinking, could he be Ruby's dad? And then it got me thinking harder. Does anybody in the series actually know the answer to that question? Rated M just to be safe.

Is Qrow Ruby's Dad? – Yang's Theory

Ruby was incredibly nervous to start this discussion. But still, she knew she had to.

"Qrow? Are you my father?"

Qrow grumbled and sat down, patting the seat next to him. "I thought we might have this conversation eventually," he said in his raspy voice. "Ruby, your mother and I had always been close. When Raven and Tai got together, the two of us ended up closer as well."

"Oh," Ruby sighed. She knew where this was going.

"And we banged. Oh brothers, did we bang. There's a reason Tai and Raven moved to Patch instead of our shared four-bedroom apartment. And trust me, it wasn't because 'there was no AC'. Well, we did bang on the AC and broke it a few times. The walls were just super thin. And Ruby, if there is one thing you need to know about your mother, is that she was a screamer. Never been with a louder chick in my life. They still can't get the stains out of the floor and walls. Nobody goes in that apartment with a ultraviolet light, trust me. Yeesh, we banged on everything. She was a wild one-"

"Qrow-"

"And then there was after we found out about Yang and Summer just got these MILF eyes. There was nothing sexier-"

"Qrow-"

"I never thought it was possible to be lead on for forty-eight hours, but boy was she talented-"

"Qrow!"

Qrow turned to the furiously blushing redhead who may or may not be his daughter. "I really did not need to know about your… sex life with my mom. Does that mean you're my dad?"

"Ha, no."

"But, all that stuff with… with…" Ruby blushed harder. She couldn't bring herself to think it, let alone say it out loud.

"Nah, Tai joined us for Summer's annual birthday three-way. Condom broke, you know how it is-"

"Ew!"

Is Qrow Ruby's Dad? – Winter's Theory

"Geepers, Mr. Branwen sir," Ruby said, blushing like a schoolgirl. "Are you my daddy?"

"Well C'mere girly girl," Qrow fell onto his ass, clearly drunk beyond belief and slapped his knee for Ruby to sit on it.

And as any childish dolt would, she ran up to him and hopped on his leg, staring up at the terrible father figure.

"Hic- Y'see. I'm clearly a drunken buffoon. And Summer Rose was a world-class huntress. There is- there's no way. No way that she even gave me a second look. -burp- Ruby, Ruby, Ruby. I'm clearly too drunk, can you drive to the store and pick up a six-pack for me?"

"I'm thirteen, Uncle Qrow."

"S'okay, I-I'll give-ya mah keys. S'all good."

Is Qrow Ruby's Dad? – Blake's Theory

"Let me stop you right there, Kitty cat. I know what books you read. You are NOT sharing your theory about what did or did not happen between Summer and Qrow." Yang interrupted. Before Blake even had a chance to begin.

"Do you even remember your theory?!"

"It was mainly to make Ruby embarrassed. Yours would be way worse."

"I was just going to say-"

Yang covered Blake's mouth, even as she continued talking into her hand. Slowly she lifted it up,

"-and then she stuck the cucumber-"

The hand slammed down back on her mouth. A few minutes later, Yang tried again. She lifted up her hand,

"Qrow was crying in joy, seeing Summer's stomach bulging from his multiple loads of-"

And the hand slammed back down.

This was going to be a long day. Damn you Ninjas of Love for giving Blake all those... topics of interest.

Is Qrow Ruby's Dad? – Weiss's Theory

Ruby skipped up to Qrow, a beautiful smile on her face and sweetness and joy sparkling in her incredibly silver eyes.

"Uncle Qrow, are you my father?" She asked, seeing him shuffle around and look nervous, Ruby of course did all she could to ease his nervousness. Ruby was amazing that way, always caring about the feeling of others instead of herself. "Not that it would be bad if you were my father, but I'm eighteen and if I'm legally allowed to have sexual relations and get married, especially to that one super pretty white-haired beauty who I love with all my heart, on my team, then you can tell me the truth."

"The truth is…" Qrow sighed, "Weiss is perfect for you and you will be the perfect couple, just like I knew you always would be. You both love each other so much. I am even cutting back on my drinking and getting along better with Winter so you two can have an easier relationship."

"Thanks Qrow, you are the best. I already chose the ring and I'm going to take her last name. I've also been practicing walking in high-heels so that I can dance with Weiss all the time, because we love each other and love dancing with each other. But I need to buy super tall heels because Weiss is definitely, totally so much taller than I am-"

As Weiss continued the story of her theory, Yang leaned over to Blake, "you think she even knows what she's saying anymore?"

The two looked at Ruby. Who was engaged fully in Weiss's story, blushing profusely. Blake looked back at Yang, "not at all. But something tell me that your sister and Weiss are going to be having a very long talk when Weiss is done."

"And when I- I mean, Weiss came into the room, Ruby took her in her arms and gave her the most perfect kiss, with her amazingly soft lips. Because there is no doubt in my mind that Ruby's lips are the softest and as sweet as all the sugar she eats every day- "

Yang chuckled, using Blake's shoulder as a means to hide her laughter. Even Blake was losing her battle at holding back her grin. "It will be a long time before she comes out of her fantasy."

Is Qrow Ruby's Dad? – Clover's Theory

"Uncle Qrow, are you my dad?" Ruby asked. Ruby's the little redhead with the hammer right? Oh, that's Nora? Which one's Ruby then?

"No," Qrow replied. "Because I'm gay. Super gay. Like, almost as gay as that hot Clover guy."

And then the conversation was over and Ruby went back to playing with ribbon katana thing. Oh, that's Blake? Then which one's Ruby?!

Is Qrow Ruby's Dad? – Raven's Theory

Ha! Ha ha ha. Oh boy, that's a stupid question. Qrow! (wheeze) With Summer, oh that's a good one. Summer. Summer 'I may look innocent and sweet but have every fetish in the world, as long as it is with a woman' Rose, with Qrow? My brother Qrow?

Girl, I had a better chance at sleeping with your mom than my idiot of a brother did.

Ha! That's a good one. I don't think I've ever laughed so hard in my entire life. I needed that. Hoo.

No, Ruby is obviously a clone.

Is Qrow Ruby's Dad? – Tai's Theory

"Uncle Qrow, are you my dad?"

Qrow shook his head, "no. I could never be your father. A father is someone who raises you, takes care of you when you were sick, brings you to your first day of school and puts you to bed with a kiss and a story every night. It doesn't matter if I was or wasn't involved with Summer, but Tai will always be your father."

Ruby groaned at Tai. "That didn't answer the question at all! Is Qrow my father?!"

"Nope, not even a little. Summer's been pining after me since our second night at Beacon. We don't discuss the first day..."

Is Qrow Ruby's Dad? – Qrow's Theory

"Qrow, are you my dad?"

"Who are you again?"

Is Qrow Ruby's Dad? – The "True" Untold Story

Summer fixed her large circular spectacles and readjusted her lab coat. The bright lights of her lab flickered, and the machines buzzed and whirred with activity.

She double checked the numbers, making sure everything was going as planned. She lifted a vial of fluid and gave it a shake, smiling at the result before placing it back down.

As she pressed the large red button, the machine in front of her beeped like mad and shook. It was starting!

The four vials mixed together. It would still be a few hours before everything was fully mixed and she could proceed to phase two of her plan.

She smiled devilishly, "The charm of Tai. My personality and looks. Qrow's ferocity and height. Raven's incredibly sexy figure. She shall be my ultimate creation! An absolutely perfect daughter! I shall make the ultimate human female! Completely irresistible in every way!"

Summer Rose laughed maniacally as thunder boomed and lightning flashed in the background. No way did Tai ever have a chance at winning the 'sleep with the entire team challenge' before she did. How else could she have gotten the necessary materials for such an experiment?