Author's Note: *points finger squarely at Vladimir's Angel* It's her fault this chapter exists. There's no denying it – I have witnesses!
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Time has turned on Nosgoth since last we looked in on the Black Leather-Wearing Women From Earth©™ (action figures and form-fitting catsuits with optional emulsion splatter detail available from Seedydeedee's Bargain Basement and Emporium - located behind Hire-A-Vamp inc, Gwynt Street, Aberwristwatch. Free Car Parking!). Battles have been fought, lives have been lost, romances have bloomed and faded (and that's just the latest episodes of Nosgoth-Enders!). Anyway, tonight sees the latest recruits dining alongside the Fanfic veterans in the Sanctuary of the Clans. Takeaway pizza is on the menu, and has been ever since a rather unfortunate Italian restaurateur stumbled through an inter-dimensional gateway while looking for a legendary sweet shop in Sussex. The Black Leather-Wearing Women From Earth©™ have consequently eaten nothing but pizza in three months.
The chamber that used to be Kain's throne room is now the 'communal lounge-cum-dining/plotting world domination room', and boasts a number of large levers and red buttons with no obvious function, with labels such as 'FIRE!' and 'Only pull in case of Emergency', and 'Do Not Push, and 'EXECUTE!'. Most are buried under layers of empty takeaway boxes. Tonight, various members of the Black Leather-Wearing Women From Earth©™ (hereafter referred to as the BLWWFEs - pronounced 'bloofies') are lounging around on throw rugs and bean bags. The throne itself became a contentious issue almost immediately after moving in, and is now used primarily as a receptacle for empty pizza boxes sporting the local brand name: 'Rafael's International Pizza Delivery: Napoli-Nuneaton-Nosgoth.
Having ousted Emperor Kain from his rightful home, beaten the local Sarafan into submission with Kitchen Utensils of Mass Destruction, and cowed the various Lieutenants with their formidable custard-wrestling prowess, the BLWWFEs have taken to resting on their laurels somewhat: the atmosphere in the lounge tonight is one that could redefine the word 'chilled'.
Silmuen: Pass me some more of that … *waggles hand vaguely as she tries to remember the word …* Stuff!
AmuseMe: *stretches comically towards pizza box* Oof! No, it's like – too far. You'll have to wait until the maid comes and get her to pass you some.
Vladimir's Angel: *flicks sweetcorn at the throne* Y'know, I never thought I could get tired of pizza, but these last 34 slices or so just haven't excited me like they used to.
Shadowrayne: Me neither. Then again, I never thought I could get tired of living on Nosgoth – but this place is getting really dull. God, what I wouldn't give for something to happen!
Random Reader: *buries head in hands* Oh, no! Why'd she have to go and say a silly thing like that?
Just then, the doorbell rings. Actually, the doorbell howls, because it's the deluxe enchanted wolf's head version (available from Seedydeedee's Bargain Basement and Emporium for £4.99 – batteries not included).
MikotoZoku: I'll get it! *bounds to her feet and races for the front door*
Spectral Sereda: *shakes her head at Mikoto's boundless energy* I always did think that girl was one can short of a sixpack…
HealerAriel: Did someone say sixpack?
MikotoZoku: *opens door* OH! Hello! *stage-whispers loudly to the rest of the room* It's a GUY!
Dragonseer: Does he have pizza?
MikotoZoku: NO!
Various BLWWFEs: *exchange puzzled glances and start hauling themselves to their feet. The floor creaks ominously.*
Silmuen: *jumps up and down trying to see past the crowd* Who is it? What's he want?
Syvia: Never mind that! Is he cute?
MikotoZoku: *shushes everyone and puts on a helpful, customer-friendly smile* Can I help you?
Hooded Stranger: Why yes, I have some items discerning ladies like yourselves might be interested in.
Vladimir's Angel: Ooh! Ooh! Ask him if he's an Ann Summers rep!
Various BLWWFEs: *jump up and down excitedly trying to see what's going on* What's he got? What's he got? (there's quite an echo in the Sanctuary of the Clans…)
Hooded Stranger: *smiles and pulls out a variety of pastry treats, filled variously with cheese, corned beef, and chicken*
A change from pizza!
Various BLWWFEs: *Awed chorus of 'OOOH's*
MikotoZoku: (suddenly suspicious) Hold on! How much are they?
Hooded Stranger: Well, normally they'd be quite expensive, but you see, I've just travelled all the way here from Smoke Stack County, and the Warp Gates are down again (engineering works, apparently), so I had to walk, and so I really could do with a place to stay tonight…
Dragonseer: (helpfully) The Nosgothshire Arms is only a few miles that way.
Hooded Stranger: *leans against doorframe and flashes a brilliant, if slightly snaggle-toothed smile from within the confines of his hood* Well I was hoping not to have to trek all the way back down there, and I notice your roof needs fixing – I'm quite handy with a hammer and saw… *flexes muscles*. I could repair that for you in return for a night's bed and board…
The room is silent while the penny teeters on the edge of the abyss. Tumbleweed blows across the Sanctuary forecourt.
Silmuen: OH! He could stay here!
The penny launches itself off the cliff.
Penny: Aieeeeeee! I'm too young to die!
Vladimir's Angel: There's plenty of room – as long as you don't mind a few pizza crumbs in your bed …
Hooded Stranger: Oh, I usually manage to make my bed … comfortable. *a roguish smile glints again from inside the hood. Several people in catsuits start melting*
MikotoZoku: Well, I spose it's OK then. *stands back to let him pass*
Hooded Stranger: *shifts uncomfortably and looks embarrassed* Aren't you going to ask me in?
Dragonseer: What for?
Certain BLWWFEs start to get suspicious, while the rest are too busy ogling to notice that the visitor is having trouble with the magical ward that now guards the entrance to the Sanctuary.
Hooded Stranger: Well, it's just that my mother - may she rest in peace - brought me up to be polite, and I like to know I'm welcome. *tilts hood back slightly and smiles wistfully* I guess I'm just an old-fashioned kind of guy at heart.
Various BLWWFEs are by now standing with their heads on one side, grinning vacantly at the stranger.
HealerAriel: Oh, just let him in!
Seedydeedee: *wanders in from the kitchen-cum-inexplicable vampire swimming pool (now filled with custard), carrying blueprints and plans for the Blue Box Toys takeover.
Random Reader: Hey – wasn't your name Lilith?
Random Reader2: AND Notcturnally_Damned!
Seedydeedee: I rationalised my nomenclatures.
Everyone: *stares blankly*
Seedydeedee: *puts away Star Trek Dictionary of Technobabble* I had too many names! Who's at the door?
Spectral Sereda: A pasty salesman.
Seedydeedee: Pale, is he?
Spectral Sereda: *giggles* Very!
Seedydeedee: *makes her way to the door to find Mikoto half-way through saying 'come on in'*
Seedydeedee: * closes door in Hooded Stranger's face, snatching pasty basket before the door shuts* Thanks! Bye!
Genesis Idiocy: OI! He had pastry treats!
Seedydeedee: *waggles basket under her nose* Now WE have pastry treats! *stares around at crowd in disbelief* You were going to let him in, weren't you?
MikotoZoku: *starts edging towards her room*
Seedydeedee: You stay there, missie! You're supposed to be guarding the door! Right. Everyone into the lecture theatre.
Vladimir's Angel: The what now? Do we even have one of those?
Seedydeedee: Well not exactly, but Kain's torture chamber is almost the same thing…
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The scene is Kain's old torture chamber, which has, since his forced departure, been sandblasted, fumigated and fitted out with a number of school desks; the main rack has been replaced with a blackboard, and the whips and chains with rulers and pencils - but the atmosphere remains much the same.
Shadowrayne: *groans and bangs her head on the desk* If I wanted to go to school I'd have stayed on Earth!
Spectral Sereda: And I'm sure I'm not supposed to be here!
Seedydeedee: *wanders in wearing full university Don robes and a mortarboard*
BLWWFEs: *snigger uncontrollably*
AmuseMe: Hey, Deedee, you forgot the Darth Vader helmet!
Seedydeedee: *scowls and sits at the front of the class*
Right. It has come to my attention that we are in need of a refresher course on Survival. We'll be studying several modules this semester, which include: 'How to recognise the bad guy through rose-tinted specs', 'Sadistic does not equal sane', and 'Anyone with less than four fingers is your enemy'…
Dragonseer: That's digital discrimination!
Vladimir's Angel: But what about spods?
AmuseMe: And amputees!
MikotoZoku: And animals?
Vladimir's Angel: And spods!
Seedydeedee: It's safer if you just think of them ALL as your enemies. *cuts across the next comment* Including spods!
Let's take a recent case in point, shall we. Take a look at this picture: *puts up an action scene from her recent fanfic where Althea is just about to lead a bunch of villagers up a drainpipe to kill Turel*
Lessons? When the enemy asks you to take the town drunks and storm the evil overlord's castle – ask him what HE's getting out of it.
Genesis Idiocy: *makes a loud 'Ahhhhh' of understanding and scribbles a note in her exercise book*
Seedydeedee: *puts up another picture from a little later on in her story, where the humans are defeated and 'Farsight' is revealed in his true colours (green)*
See? Now she's going to die horribly. Lessons? Just because he's pretty, doesn't mean he's not intending to pull out your intestines and use them for bungee-jumping.
Healer Ariel: OH! I see. So the pretty ones are evil?
Seedydeedee: Yes.
Silmuen: Sometimes the evil ones are ugly.
Seedydeedee: Don't confuse the issue…
Syvia: And the good ones are pretty.
Seedydeedee: That's not the point…
Vladimir's Angel: *giggles* And some are good, bad and ugly!
Seedydeedee: *rubs temples* Yes, but my point is…
Upstairs, the wolf's head howls.
MikotoTribal: Doorbell! There's somebody at the door! *leaps to her feet and races up the stairs*
Seedydeedee: *shouts after her* When you open the door, remember what I just said!
Mikototribal: Er… if it's the good the bad and the ugly, tell them to go bungee-jumping?
Seedydeedee: *takes off mortarboard* I don't know why I bother…
Spectral Sereda: Nor me – we're obviously past saving!
MikotoTribal: *shouts from upstairs* Did you say if they were pretty to let them in or not?
Various BLWWFEs: Shout random pieces of advice, which include' yes',' no' and 'five o'clock'.
Seedydeedee: *thinks hard and shushes the class* Er…not!
MikotoTribal: Oops…
To be continued…
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Apologies to anyone in this fic who was misrepresented, underrepresented, vilified, mollified, or otherwise made an ass of. Pizza will be sent in reparation.
Star Trek Dictionaires of Technobabble are available from Vladimir's Angel.