Disclaimer: I don't own the Marvel Cinematic Universe, Marvel Comics or any of its characters.
I've never tried to do a one-shot all in texts and emails before, but I wanted to try something different and hopefully it turned out ok.
To: Nick Fury; Phil Coulson; Maria Hill
From: Black Widow
Subject: Tony Stark mission
No, no, no, no, no.
Just no.
To: Black Widow
cc: Phil Coulson; Maria Hill
From: Nick Fury
Subject: Re: Tony Stark mission
Yes.
Darcy: I didn't know you'd modelled in Tokyo. When did that happen?
Unknown: As of two days ago.
Darcy: Right … Well you look great.
Darcy: What are you up to?
Unknown: Babysitting.
Darcy: So why do you need …
Darcy: Never mind, I probably don't want to know.
Tony: Do you think I can hire Rushman for my next party?
Tony: Send all the guests I don't like into the boxing ring with her, then sit back and watch the show.
Pep: No.
Tony: Pleeeeeaaaaassssssseeeeee.
Pep: Still no.
Pep: And you have a board meeting in five minutes – where are you?
Tony: I'm sorry, Tony Stark cannot respond to your message right now. Please try again later.
Pep: Don't even try that, Tony. This meeting has been in your diary for months.
Tony: I'm sorry, Tony Stark cannot respond to your message right now. Please try again later.
Pep: I know you're in there, Tony. I can hear the AC/DC blasting out of the room.
Pep: I will activate JARVIS' protocol Tony's in the doghouse if you do not appear at this meeting in two minutes.
Pep: Wearing clothes that aren't grease-stained.
Tony: Spoilsport.
Tony: I'll be there.
Tony: But don't let anyone hand me things.
To: Pepper Potts
From: Tony Stark
Subject: Sexual Harassment Incident (NOT ME!)
Pep,
Jason Roland from R&D tried to grope Rushman.
HR are going to talk to him after he gets out of hospital.
Accidents don't just happen. They must be carelessly planned.
To: Tony Stark
From: Pepper Potts
Subject: Re: Sexual Harassment Incident (NOT ME!)
Tony!
Is Natalie alright? Jason never seemed like the type.
Why is he in hospital?
Pepper Potts
CEO, Stark Industries
To: Pepper Potts
From: Tony Stark
Subject: Re: Re: Sexual Harassment Incident (NOT ME!)
Pep,
Ninja Natalie is fine.
Mr Roland is recovering from severe groin injuries in hospital.
Karma gets them all in the end.
Accidents don't just happen. They must be carelessly planned.
To: Stark Tower
From: Tony Stark
Subject: Sexual Harassment Seminar
In lieu of the usual bi-annual sexual harassment seminar, please find attached footage from this morning's incident.
You have been warned.
Tony Stark
Genius, Billionaire, Playboy, Philanthropist
Accidents don't just happen. They must be carelessly planned.
To: Stark Tower
From: Pepper Potts
Subject: Self-Defence Lunchtime Seminar
Miss Rushman has kindly agreed to host a one hour lunchtime session on self-defence for all those who wish to attend.
This will take place tomorrow at 12.30pm.
Pepper Potts
CEO, Stark Industries
Darcy: Thanks for the postcard.
Darcy: What are you doing in Monaco?
Unknown: Classified.
Darcy: Anything to do with those drug traffickers that were tied up and left in the middle of Monte Carlo.
Unknown: My mission has nothing to do with that.
Darcy: They were apparently ranting and raving about, and I quote, "a red-haired demon woman with killer curves".
Unknown: I had some free time on my hands.
Nat: I talked to Stark at his party earlier.
Nat: I think he may not be entirely "The Worst".
Clint: ?
Clint: What has he done to you?
Clint: Is this Stockholm Syndrome?
Clint: Or has he been involved in mind control research without us finding out about it?
Clint: Blink twice if you need help.
Nat: …
Nat: This is a text conversation, Clint.
Clint: Then prove you're still you.
Nat: You're a hyper-competent spy and assassin, but also a human disaster.
Nat: You have a ridiculous obsession with Dog Cops and you love shitty beer.
Nat: Every time you tell the story about our Vegas mission last year, you add an extra three gunmen and two showgirls to the tale.
Nat: And when we were in Budapest you …
Clint: Ok, stop. I'm convinced.
Clint: No mind control going on.
Clint: But Dog Cops is awesome. And so is my beer.
Clint: And I'm reserving judgement on the Stockholm Syndrome situation.
To: Phil Coulson
From: Hawkeye
Subject: Stockholm Protocol
Sir,
I'm worried about Nat.
Yesterday she made a comment about Stark that could be construed as almost nice, for her at least.
I'm sure you will agree that this behaviour is out of character.
Sometimes being an adult is exactly what you imagined it would be when you were five: staying up late and eating Lucky Charms for dinner.
To: Hawkeye
From: Phil Coulson
Subject: Stockholm Protocol
I think you may be overreacting a bit.
Agent Romanov is more than capable of looking after herself. After what she has endured, this mission should be more irritating than dangerous.
She survived Budapest without killing you – she can survive this.
Besides, Mr Stark does have a few redeeming qualities – though they are mostly connected to his relationship with Ms Potts.
Needless to say, if I hear about any unauthorised recon missions near Stark Tower, I will put you on the most tedious month-long observation post I can find.
I will also tell Natasha.
Darcy: Clint told me you're working at Stark Industries !
Unknown: Clint need to keep his mouth shut about covert operations.
Unknown: And I didn't peg you as a Stark fangirl.
Darcy: Meh. His technology is cool.
Darcy: But PEPPER POTTS !
Darcy: She is my idol. I totally want to be her when I grow up.
Darcy: I know Stark is the tech genius, but Pepper Potts is pretty much the only person he listens to. She is the amazing CEO of a billion dollar company and a total role model.
Darcy: Can you get me her autograph?
Unknown: I'll see what I can do.
Darcy: !
Nat: Stop telling Darcy about SHIELD operations.
Clint: She used the puppy-dog eyes.
Clint: And when that didn't work she just starting asking loads of other questions.
Clint: Normal stuff like what I'd had for breakfast, how many dogs I'd seen at the park, whether I'd broken another coffee mug.
Clint: She lulled me into a false sense of security and then went for the throat.
Nat: It astounds me how well she knows how to play you.
Nat: Phil's thinking about trying to recruit her when she's older.
Nat: Fury was … unenthusiastic about the idea.
Clint: I don't know whether to be proud or terrified or worried.
Clint: Probably all of the above.
Darcy: Thank you for the autograph
Darcy: I am totally framing it.
Darcy: And the Louboutins are beautiful. Even if I can't walk more than two steps in them without falling over.
Unknown: I'll teach you when I next visit.
Unknown: They make excellent weapons, even though it's a pain to get blood off them.
Darcy: Or maybe I'll just, you know, wear them to fancy dinners.
Unknown: They're good for that too.
To: Nick Fury
cc: Phil Coulson; Maria Hill
From: Black Widow
Subject: Tony Stark
I attach my report on Tony Stark's suitability for the Avengers Initiative.
The man is a mess, and a bit too much of a liability.
Still, there's something there, deep down.
There's more to him than I previously thought.
Thanks for reading. Hope you enjoyed it.