Problems With Dating the RWBY Girls

Chapter 1: Blake, or: Daddy's Cummies UwU

It had taken a few weeks, but Jaune had eventually developed a sixth sense that enabled him to know when his scroll was lighting up with activity. At first it had been useful, as he hadn't wanted to miss whatever was being shown to him on it. Now, though, it was more annoying than anything. But as much as he wanted to ignore it, he knew better than to try. With a small groan, he cracked both eyes open, then sleepily reached for it, checking Pyrrha's clock as he did so.

3:28 AM

Definitely too early to be doing this. Why Blake insisted, he didn't know. Apparently housecats had nocturnal tendencies, but bringing that up around her was always a recipe for disaster, and he would rather not sleep in the doghouse, both proverbially and literally – the only doghouse on campus was the one Zwei slept in, and the corgi did not like to share.

Why was he checking his scroll, anyway? He knew what it was going to consist of. It wasn't like she sent him any other messages these days.

Rubbing the sleep from his eyes, he checked to make sure the rest of his team was asleep, then opened her message. It was a photo message, because of course it was. He clicked on it, then sighed as he watched it load.

One-in-three chance, Jaune. Place your bets: which will it be?

Loading… loading… loading… and, it's ass this time.

A lot of ass, too. By his estimation, approximately 8.7 megabytes worth. Once, he would have been ecstatic about receiving steamy pictures from his hot catgirl girlfriend, but that was before he knew she was going to max out his data plan.

And then there was the attached message.

Come spank me, Daddy. I've been a bad, bad girl. UwU.

She actually wrote UwU. Jaune sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose and casting a glance over at Pyrrha's clock once more.

3:29 AM.

He was tempted to ask who on Remnant got horny at three in the morning, but if he did that, he'd be a hypocrite.

Seriously, an ass like that had to be illegal somewhere. You could bounce a quarter off that thing. It was so firm, so round, so perfectly-sized to fit in his hands… what was the problem with this arrangement, again?

His scroll lit up again, indicating another message.

Let's do it on Weiss' bed this time.

Oh, yeah. Right.

Honestly, he couldn't be mad at Blake; the fault wasn't entirely her own. Rather, she was a victim of her own poor taste in literature, and the only reason he knew that was because pretty much as soon as they had started dating, she had dumped her entire collection of porn onto him and told him to start taking notes.

Oh, whoops – he used the 'P' word. Had to be careful about that; he didn't want a repeat of the first time he had accidentally used it.

"It is not porn, Jaune! It's called erotic literature, and it's art!"

How she could make that assertion with a straight face when the page she was holding in her hand depicted two people doing the dirty, he had no idea.

His scroll chimed again. He debated pretending to be asleep before deciding against it; as much as the rational side of his brain was screaming at him to get some sleep lest he suffer in the morning, his trouser leviathan was making a compelling counter-argument.

And yes, that was her term for it, not his. Flattering, sure, even if it wasn't actually much bigger than average (yes, he had measured; what guy hasn't?) but the fact that she used purple prose even when complimenting his frank and beans was more than a little irritating.

I know you're awake, Daddy, the message read. Come over here and treat me like the naughty girl I've been.

Honestly, one day, they were going to have to have words about this.

But not today, because she had accompanied the last message with another ass pic, and as much as the daddy talk weirded him right the hell out, he was still a man with a working boner.

And as long as his boner worked, whenever his girlfriend managed to entice him, Jaune Arc was struck with a need – a need to seed.

Even if that need meant that Blake was basically going to be taking a sledgehammer to his hips for the next hour or so.

Yeah, apparently her erotic literature didn't teach her much in the way of being gentle, either. That or she just got really into it and forgot that there was a person attached to the thing inside her. Not that he was complaining too much, though – death by snu snu was hardly the worst way to go.

Forgive me, pelvis, Jaune thought to himself as he crept out of his room and over towards Team RWBY's dorm.

–

"I just don't understand," Weiss said irritably. "That's the third night in a week I've woken up on the floor, and I have no idea what's going on! And none of you have seen anything?"

Obviously, none of them had. Well, two of them had, but neither of them were saying anything, one because she was a degenerate, and the other because Weiss had accidentally knocked his toothbrush into the toilet the other day and he was going to take his revenge however he could get it.

And if that involved spritzing everybody in the room with a container of ether his girlfriend had nabbed from the nurse's office, then crashing her pink castle on Weiss' bed, so be it.

They were going to have words about that too, of course. At some point. Maybe.

"Jaune, what do you think of this position?"

A book was shoved in front of his face, pushing his tray of breakfast away. Jaune paused, his fork midway towards his half-eaten waffle, then sighed before putting it down and taking the book.

"Very imaginative."

"I know, right?! I didn't even know humans could bend that way!"

A few weeks ago, everybody would have been disgusted. Now, they had all settled into a routine. Yang had covered Ruby's ears as soon as they all sat down, much to the younger girl's chagrin. Pyrrha was red-faced and catatonic, though she sometimes sent Blake some of the nastiest death glares Jaune had ever seen outside of Goodwitch's class, for reasons that were unknown to him. Nora was too obsessed with her breakfast to care about anything else. Ren… was Ren. At this point, the only one who still cared was Weiss.

And boy, did she care.

"Must you two read and discuss such filth in public?"

No, they mustn't. Jaune was tempted to vocalize his agreement with her, even though it risked earning his girlfriend's ire.

Then he remembered his toothbrush, and that temptation died.

Blake, meanwhile, glared at Weiss. "You just don't understand the needs of a woman."

"I am a woman!"

The cat Faunus' gaze drifted down to Weiss' chest. "Sometimes I wonder."

Oh yeah, this was a thing. Apparently, Weiss didn't take too kindly to public displays of affection, which had naturally caused a lot of tension between her and his insatiable pervert of a girlfriend.

Then again, when you walk in on two of your friends batter-dipping the corn dog in a hall closet between classes, you tended to have a very low tolerance level for these kinds of things.

As the two began their daily verbal spar, Jaune simply sat back and sighed. He could have jumped in and broken it up, but he was too tired to do much of anything today. That, and he was pretty sure his pelvis was now dislocated. Was that possible? Honestly, he wouldn't be surprised if he was the first one to ever have such an injury. He was tempted to go to the nurse's office, but that would require that he tell everyone where he was going, and then they would ask why he needed to see the nurse, and then he would tell them that he was pretty sure his pelvis was dislocated, and then Blake would suggest knocking it back into place the only way she knew how.

So, rather than do anything like that, Jaune instead sat back and pondered life's important questions, such as whether it was possible to nut so much that it lost all meaning. He was pretty sure he was getting close to that threshold. The thought made him frown. Maybe he should ask Blake if they could take a break from bringing the al dente noodle to her spaghetti house for a bit and instead do other romantic things? Of course, she probably wouldn't take such a suggestion well. Plus, there was always his mom's advice.

"Remember, Jaune: the way to a woman's heart is through her uterus."

Then again, Mama Arc had experienced the miracle of childbirth eight times, and he wasn't sure if he was ready for that level of commitment yet, especially because Papa Arc still walked with a limp to this day, even after getting those screws in his hip.

So instead, Jaune silently pulled his tray of breakfast back over to himself, then sat back and watched the fireworks.

Better Weiss than him, after all.

Ah, Port's class. A chance to learn about Grimm, about the heroes who fought them, and how best to defend oneself against them.

Or, if you were everybody besides Weiss, a chance to catch up on some sleep.

Jaune was no exception to this phenomenon. Honestly, Port had nobody but himself to blame; the man was so boring that it was impossible to pay attention, and he was so caught up in telling his stories that he missed students napping literally five feet in front of him.

Times like these, Jaune often wondered about the quality of Beacon's staff. One of the professors was a glory hound who preferred telling stories rather than lecturing, one was a caffeine addict who spoke like an auctioneer and was impossible to understand, one was never around, and one was a sadist who enjoyed making people suffer.

Okay, that last one was a little harsh, but Goodbitch deserved it for those comments about him being gobbled up by a Beowolf.

Heh, Goodbitch. Honestly, he impressed himself sometimes. No way anyone else had ever thought of that one before. Definitely not low-hanging fruit.

Casting a glance around at his team, Jaune's gaze settled on Pyrrha, and his expression softened. She was such a good friend, and had been so supportive of him and Blake when they had first started dating. She had even gone so far as to give Blake a present in the form of some fancy pine-scented body wash. Unfortunately, it had to be explained to her that cats hated the scent of pine. And then it had to be explained to her that cats also hated the scent of citrus. And then it had to be explained to her that cats also hated the scent of banana. And then it had to be explained to her that while not all cats disliked dogs, Blake did, and her prank of locking Zwei and Blake together in a closet and then bending the lock out of shape with her semblance, while funny, was going a bit too far.

Honestly, Pyrrha could be so silly sometimes, like that time where she raided all the ice cream shops in Vale, even getting into a fistfight with a multicolored mute midget over the last tub of neapolitan ice cream in the city. Nobody was quite sure why she had done that, only that it had happened about ten seconds after Jaune announced him and Blake were dating.

Frankly, Jaune had just figured it was that time of the month, and had decided that it would be better off to just let it go.

The blonde yawned widely, then closed his eyes. Time for a nap.

His scroll vibrated in his pocket, causing his eyes to immediately shoot open.

Here we go again.

He considered not opening it… considered because the instant the thought crossed his mind, Blake turned around and glared at him, as if daring him to ignore it. Now, Jaune may have been the first person in the world to admit that he sometimes acted like a dumbass, but he wasn't stupid, and he also didn't fancy sleeping with Zwei. With a sigh of resignation, he fished his scroll out of his pocket and opened it.

And then immediately shut it and slammed it down on his desk when the picture loaded, his face turning bright red.

Blake, meanwhile, turned back around, acting as if nothing had happened. But there was no hiding what she had just done.

How could you, Blake? What would your father think?

Jaune regretted that thought the instant it crossed his mind, because it reminded him of the previous night.

"Clean my litter box, Daddy!"

Well, at least he now had a way to instantly kill any awkward boner he ever got, such as the one he had just a few seconds ago. It was honestly a miracle, that phrase; the last time he had encountered boner repellent that strong was when he accidentally walked in on Cardin taking a shower in the men's locker room.

Honestly, he had to feel bad for Cardin; it was like a headache pill seated atop two miniature cotton balls. No wonder the boy felt the need to bully people. If Jaune ever woke up and found that between his legs, he would probably just run towards the nearest living thing and kill it. In that regard, Cardin should have been praised for his restraint.

Someone cleared their throat in front of him, and Jaune shook himself out of his stupor to find Professor Port staring at him, arms crossed.

"Nice of you to join us, Mister Arc," Port said accusingly. "Is there anything you'd like to share with the class?"

Okay Jaune, think. You've been caught red-handed receiving images of your girlfriend with her weapon's hilt in her cooch in the middle of class. If you don't think of something now, you're going to be in deep trouble, both from the professor and from your girlfriend.

Act. Natural.

"Uh, no, sir," Jaune replied. "Nope, nothing at all."

Port raised an eyebrow. "Are you sure?"

"Yes, sir. Very sure. Never been more sure of anything in my life, no sir."

"Really? Because I can see your scroll sitting on your desk-"

"Uh, hey, why don't you tell that story about the time you killed the Alpha Beowolf on Patch? That was a good one."

"Indeed, it was," Port said, stroking his mustache. "Unfortunately, we are not talking about Beowolves today, which you would know if you were paying attention. Suddenly, I'm inclined to believe that you're trying to distract me."

Crap baskets. "What makes you say that, sir?"

Port chuckled. "My boy, I would have to be pretty oblivious to not notice someone trying to trick me in my own class."

Jaune looked around class, raising an eyebrow when he saw that most of them were still asleep. He nodded. "Yes, sir. Pretty oblivious indeed."

"Quite. Now, if you could just hand over your scroll so I could see what was so important that you had to ignore my lesson for it, that would be great."

Uh oh. "Uh, sure. Right away. Just, uh, come and get it; I think my leg's asleep."

Port raised an eyebrow, but otherwise didn't react. Instead, he began the march towards Jaune's desk. Frantically, Jaune looked around for something, anything he could use. After a moment, his gaze settled on the one thing he knew could help him in this situation. Unfortunately, it would cost him his scroll, but desperate times called for desperate measures.

He turned towards the still-sleeping Pyrrha, and after muttering a soft apology, stomped on her left foot as hard as he could. The redhead let out a loud yell as she sat bolt upright, in the process letting loose with her semblance for a moment. Jaune wasted no time in swiping his scroll over the black aura surrounding her body, praying to whatever gods existed that this worked.

He managed to place his scroll on his desk just as Port reached him. The rotund professor picked up the scroll and attempted to turn it on, only for nothing to happen. Perplexed, he mashed on the power button a few times before finally shrugging.

"Your scroll appears to be broken, my boy," he announced.

Jaune breathed a sigh of relief. "That's too bad. Guess I'll just have to get another one."

"So it would seem. Anyway, where was I? Ah, yes; the story about the Sea Feilong..."

Jaune exhaled through his nose, then sank down into his seat as far as he could go. A new scroll was going to cost him a pretty penny, but it was worth it. He looked over to Blake, who was acting as though nothing was wrong, and frowned.

I think it's about time we have words.

With a burst of strength, Blake shoved him against the wall of the closet, smashing her lips against his. Jaune tried in vain to escape, but it was no use; Blake was much stronger than she looked, and she had more leverage than he did.

Also, the brain in his head was fighting a losing battle against the brain in his pants, but that was neither here nor there.

"Blake..." he managed to gasp out between kisses.

Blake gave him one last kiss before pulling away, a thin trail of saliva hanging between their mouths. "Yes, my love?"

"Can we talk?"

"We were talking."

"...I meant besides moaning out my name and telling me how horny and wet you are."

That request was actually multifaceted; he wanted it both because he had important things to discuss, and because Blake Belladonna, hot as she was, was somehow terrible at talking dirty despite all the po- erotic literature she read.

He wasn't sure how someone who consumed that much filth could be so bad at talking dirty, but dammit if Blake wasn't absolutely terrible at it.

"I need it real bad, Jaune! I'm overflowing down there! The dam has sprung a leak!"

Gross.

"Oh." She looked disappointed. "Sure. I guess."

"Thank you." He wiped the trail of saliva from his mouth. Honestly, that was much more disgusting than the Mistralian cartoons she forced him to watch made it out to be.

Oh, whoops – he used the 'C' word. Had to be careful about that; he didn't want a repeat of the first time he had accidentally used it.

"It is not a cartoon, Jaune! It's called hentai and it's art!"

"So, what did you want to talk about?" Blake asked.

She sounded almost innocent, as if she had no idea what the problem was.

Bitch, you know what you did, Jaune thought.

"Oh, you know. Stuff," Jaune said.

"What kind of stuff? Have I been a bad girl?" Her face lit up, growing downright lecherous. "Is Daddy going to punish me?!"

"Okay, you know what? That. That's what we're going to be talking about first."

"What?"

"The daddy talk."

"You don't like it?" Blake asked, sounding disappointed.

"Well, it's-" He paused. For a moment, he considered putting it lightly; Blake clearly enjoyed it, and he didn't want to hurt her feelings.

"Unclog my plumbing, Daddy! I need your cummies in my tummy!"

Actually, screw that. "No, I don't like it," he declared.

Blake pouted. "Why not?"

"Because it's weird, okay? It weirds me out. You're turning our sex lives into some strange incest fetish thing, and I don't like it. Especially because, from the sound of things, your dad is actually a pretty stand-up guy who always supported you."

"Oh..." She looked away, clearly ashamed. "...Sorry."

"Hey," Jaune said, pulling her into a hug. "I'm sure there are other things you can try that won't weird me out."

"...How do you feel about bondage?"

Uh oh. "...Who's getting tied up?"

Her only response was to smirk. Jaune sighed. Still better than the daddy talk, I guess.

"Alright, fine," he relented. "But if we're doing that, you're going to have to learn how to talk dirty."

"But I already talk dirty."

You're horrible at it, he thought.

"You could be better at it," he said.

Blake pouted, then shrugged. "...Okay, fine."

"Also, can you please stop sending me nudes all the time? I mean, I like receiving them – you're like the hottest girl in school, plus you're my girlfriend and I love you – but you're sending them every hour of the day, and that's a bit too much, especially when we're in class or with our friends."

"...Fine. I'll only do it every now and then, and only when I know you're alone."

Jaune paused, surprised. Wow, who knew that addressing problems in a relationship was as easy as talking to your partner about them? And here he was, thinking that this sort of thing could only be accomplished after several chapters of melodrama and angst.

Eat your heart out, crappy erotica.

Blake suddenly smirked, then threw her arms around him to pull him close and whisper in his ear. "I just realized, I've been doing those things for a while. You've probably been putting up with them for a long time, yet you didn't say anything because you wanted me to enjoy myself."

Actually, it was because he had an unhealthy idea of how to address grievances with his significant other and figured that the only way to do so was to wait until things hit a boiling point and they both blew up at each other, then had passionate room-destroying sex once they finished screaming out their problems together. Still, if that was what she wanted to believe, then she was free to.

He nodded. "Yup, that's why."

She grinned. It was a sultry grin, of someone who was about to do something dirty. Jaune swallowed apprehensively. "I just realized: in all the time we've been dating, I've never given you oral."

That… was true, actually. Why was that, again? He felt like there was a reason for it, but he couldn't remember what it was. Still, if it wasn't important enough for her to remember it, then it was probably okay.

Also, the brain between his legs was currently threatening to burst out of his jeans, so he couldn't exactly be bothered to think too hard at the moment.

"How unfortunate for you; my erotic literature makes it sound like it's quite nice," Blake continued. "Well, let me make up for lost time, and for all that I've put you through~"

She kissed him, then sank down to waist level and yanked his pants down to his ankles. Blake licked her lips, then opened her mouth and leaned in.

It was at that moment that Jaune remembered what they had both forgotten: cat tongues aren't built like human tongues. In fact, they actually have a very rough consistency similar to sandpaper. His eyes widening, Jaune opened his mouth to warn Blake off, to remind her of why they hadn't ever tried oral sex before, to try and tell her to stop before it was too late.

But then, before he could say anything, he felt her take him into her mouth. For a moment, everything was fine. But only for a moment.

Half a second later, Jaune's scream broke every window in Beacon.

I should probably warn all of you that I'm not planning on doing a ton of super-raunchy chapters like this one – Blake is just a natural fit for this sort of thing, so I took that and went with it. She will probably not be the last person I do something like this for, but I'd rather mix things up a bit and tailor the comedy to the character rather than just have constant R-rated humor all the time, since I feel like that could get a bit stale. The next chapter, for example, will not be raunchy at all, both because it wouldn't fit the character unless I made her really OOC, and because variety is the spice of life and I want to try something different.

Next update: Saturday, December 14.

Oh, and before I go: If you're looking for a fanfic that's the exact opposite of this one – namely, a fic that's actually serious, has gone through a substantial amount of planning and revision rather than being primarily stream-of-consciousness, and is about Ruby rather than Jaune – you should check out my other fic, The Seventh Circle. It's about Ruby being taken from her family, being trained to be a killer, and then trying to get over the guilt and trauma that comes with it.

Besides that, I've got nothing else.